Religious Love (5 page)

Chapter 10: Year Two

              I remember it just like it was yesterday. I sat at the computer booking my first flight. I was afraid as shit to get up in the air period! I made reservations at the Courtyard Marriott. It was set for the weekend; I made my request and was very excited to see Lee.

              I made plans for my children to be alright while I was on my mini vacation. The night before I was like a kid on Christmas day, excited and sleepless. I made sure that I dolled myself up for Lee.

              At 6: 00am; I was on my way to the airport; 9: 30am March 7
th,
of 2012.  I had touched down in my hometown. You should’ve seen me kiss the ground; I prayed the whole time asking God to cover the pilots.

              I called my home-girl; she came and got me from the airport. We rode around, visited my grandmother and I went to check into the hotel. I was anxious but ready to be with my lover, so ready to be intimate with him.

              That evening he came to me. I opened the door, and it was all she wrote. I knew. I was about to have another great experience with Lee. I treasured every moment because of the distance our visits were few, far and in between.

              We did not hesitate, we went right into our grove, and an unexpected visitor had appeared before our eyes. I thought I was just extra wet because my hormones went through the roof.  My nipples were hard and my body was sensitive to his touch.

              He entered inside of me, took a couple of long deep strokes and he yelled, “Are you on your period!”

              I jumped up, “No my period is scheduled for next week.”

              I looked up under me and it looked as if I was gutted, bleeding for my life. I was so embarrassed because I always knew when my cycle was due.  Unfortunately, I was caught off guard by Mother Nature.

              The embarrassment grew even deeper when I heard my lover in the bathroom beating himself up, I’m already pro-midget but that made me feel two inches tall. Deep within, Lee felt like I knew my cycle was on so he went on-and-on about it for a spell. I expressed that I was sorry; I had no knowledge or cramps.  After his disbelief, I sat in that poke-a-dot chair balled up with shame.

              I was silent. There was not anything more at that moment. I turned my phone on and checked on my children, called my grandmother and my mother. I sat the phone down and it rung. I ignored it the first time, but it kept ringing. It was Paul trying to express how much of a mistake that he had made. I told him, now was not a good time. He inquired if I was with someone and I told him yes.  He gave me his blessings and promised to never contact me again.

              The stupid part was that I never should have answered the phone anyway. I did and what happened next was totally my fault. It put a wedge between Lee and me. Niko called next, and we got into a spat about all the money that we were doing for the T-Shirt fundraiser for N.O.W. No Obstacles Withstanding, an organization for women who had been abused as I had been in my life.

              I was mad. Because she failed to do what she was supposed to with the money from the bake sell. I grew livid and Mother Nature put the extra stank on my attitude. To keep from showing Lee that side of me, I went to the bathroom this particular call. The second time, I got up and walked to the store. I had a very strong anger problem that he didn’t need to see.

              When I came back from the store the crisp air calmed me down. I took a shower because my flow was almost uncontrollable; the truth is that I stayed in the shower because I felt dirty. At this time Lee and I was just friends with benefits even though I always wanted more since day 1. He asked me if I wanted to talk about things, I declined.  What more is there left to say, is how I was feeling in my thoughts.

              In his mind he felt some type of way and so did I, but, for two totally different reasons. I turned the hot water on, dropped a few tears, took a shit and hopped in the shower. I started to sing in the shower because it always helped me.

              I remember dropping the soap and hearing a distinct sound of a door closing. I jumped out of the shower soapy and all; walking into an empty room; his bags were gone. The scent of peach mango body wash released from the door as I tried to catch Lee; it was too late.

              I walked back into the room and cleaned myself up. I looked on the table and there it was; a dear Jane letter that read:

Dear Denien,

              I shouldn’t have come to see you and it’s for my better interest that I leave. It was good seeing you enjoy the rest of your trip.

Lee

       
I called him numerous amounts of time trying to get him to come back. He refused to do so; Lee was gone out of my life.

************

              I got back home and text him a couple of times. The last text I remember getting from his was him telling me that he was about to get some real R&R. I knew then that someone would entertain his company.

              I couldn’t be mad but as delusional as this may sound, I was hurt that another woman was having sex with my husband; according to God. It’s hard seeing someone else with the person that you’re supposed to be with.

              I ended up allowing my cuddle buddy to perform oral sex on me months after our departure. I still felt like crap, like I was cheating on Lee.  My cuddle buddy was just that; someone who I could cuddle with and hang out from time to time. Not a day went by that, I didn’t think of Lee. It was the first time I questioned God deeming; he had made a mistake and a fool of me. That’s exactly how I was felt on the inside.

              The truth of the matter, I was rushing his promise. I didn’t take the time to get to know who Lee was as a man nor who I was as a woman. So much time had passed us by and we grew into maturity so much greater than the wisdom we had 10 years ago. What I did know, I was greatly missing my friend.

Chapter 10: Year 3

              Lee and I hand not spoken in a little over four or five months. It took me about two of those months to get over my mistake and the fact that it was no more him. I stopped beating myself up, realizing the great manner in which I had fucked up. I was accountable and moved on with the course of my life.

              I met a gentleman and started to go on a couple of dates with him. The bad part about it is that I wanted him to be Lee. I made it plain, I didn’t want anything sexual with him; only a friendship. He agreed. We seemed to be getting along with those established rules.

              I told him about Lee. He understood my vulnerability and respected my feelings. We went on our last date. Our last date ended with a conversation of him being tired of putting in the work and not getting what he felt was his just due; some pussy. With all due respect for his wishes; I declined ending of a quick chapter. It was in that chapter that I saw my growth. I was finally okay with being alone.

              I focused on God with all of my heart, mind, body and soul. The connection was stronger than it had ever been in my whole walk with Christ. I started back doing those heavy prayer meetings, dancing and daily devotion. I needed all of that balance for direction, to know and follow his order. I wanted out of my situation, I wanted peace, I wanted a home for me and my daughters and soon to come into the world; my grandchild.

              I did what I had to do, hit the pavement hard like my life depended on it and at this point, it did. I was homeless and the lack of financial provision had me feeling worthless when I’d look at Ruby and Sapphire. I had landed me a job at the courtyard to carry my weight until I could get my own spot.

    I went to sleep that night, and I saw Lee. He was running from his own shadow as if he were tormented by it. I was calling out to him in the dream. I wanted to protect him from the shadow. I chased it and spoke in a heavenly language until it dispersed into the air. Lee couldn’t see me but I saw him and the weights fell off his shoulders. I looked at him until I knew that he was okay, he sat on a bench that sat on old bricks like streets horses would ride on before our time. Then my alarm clock went off.

              I got up and prayed for him like I never before. I asked God to cover and keep him as I always did in the past. I woke up wondering if he thought about me in the same manner that I thought about him.

***********

              A month later at the Library, I was on a submitting my school work. I was doing fairly well. I had ended up moving twice until I found something that was livable for Harmony whom had arrived into the world. Still it was a struggle because the hotel money was enough to get by. I hadn’t been in public housing since back home. To catch a breather, I signed up, was approved for Section 8 and found a place right across the city line.

              It may have been the month of August and I got me a car. I drove to the library again, got on the site where I met my lover. I went into my in-box and my heart sunk. There was a message notification from Lee apologizing about how things went down. I forgave him a long time ago; nothing else mattered I just wanted my friend back.

              You ladies don’t understand, I don’t think that no one ever will; not even Lee. We went back and forth for a couple of days; shortly after we had a very cool and copasetic conversation. It was well worth the time spent apart.

              Absence makes the heart grow founder; my heart and emotions were all over the place. I tried to hold it all together but seemed to spill them all over the place. The more we would talk all of those heartfelt and loving emotions would come out. I had no control over the way I handled myself.

              I knew this time, not to jump right in and throw my heart at him. I had to discipline myself enough to allow God do his job as I did mine. It was and will always be the grace of God, and prayer that keeps our connection freely activated with favor.

************

              Taxes had dropped for the 2013 season. It had been awhile since my mother had seen my grandma. I made the suggestion before Lee and I connected that we should do that. She was becoming of age and it was a lot of mending that needed to take place.

              My grandmother was thrilled. The ironic thing about it was that the date and time always aligned around Easter. It never failed. I put my request in, reserved a rental so she could see her great-granddaughter for the very first time. I could have stayed, but I knew that Lee and I had some making up to do.

              I had let him know that we would be up that way. And that I would love to see him. He agreed to come and hangout. It made all of the origins of my body open up into a place of bliss and peace.

              On April 12, 2013, I and the family were on the road to see the old lady with plenty of children, which derived from one man and woman. The drive was wonderful as we enjoyed the look of the mountains' beauty more than the popping and ringing ears cause by the high altitude. As usual I handed out some chewing gum, and we made it safe and sound to our destination.

              When we got to grandma’s house, nothing’s changed but the time that had passed us by. We picked up where we left off. I ran and gave my brother one of the biggest hugs. My auntie had seen her sister for the first time in over two decades. The reunion was emotional and had determined that no matter what; it was a dysfunctional family, but the love was always real.

              My brother and I had gone shopping to get granny a good birthday gift; leaving the ladies to bond and gossip on the well-being of the family. Our plans to go to Toledo to see granddaddy had been postponed until the next visit.

              We made it back to granny’s house, cooked and celebrated her 71
st
birthday. She was gifted with many gifts but none was more priceless as all of her immediate family that surrounded her while she blew out the candles. We clapped, and she made her wish. We ate, and I went to go check in to the Wyndham Hotel to prepare for Lee.

              I called him and he told me that he was not going to be able to come until the following day. I was disappointed but all the same was okay as long as he could make it before I left. I just relaxed that night, got some rest from that 10 ½ hr. drive.

              The next day Lee and I talked for a while as he was on the road already taking care of family matters.That was fine because it gave me enough time to get myself together. I got up and pulled out my romance.

              I sat candles all over the studio loft, dimmed the lights and put on some soft music. I went and shaved my beard again making sure there was no real stubble, just in case he wanted to kiss on my neck. I got myself all dolled up and awaited my lover.

              We have a thing that we do and that’s intimate pictures, he requested some to see what he had waiting for him.

              I remember it as though it was yesterday; I had on a red lingerie that had ruffles going down the middle. My red stilettoes with silver studs on the front and back complimented my skin tone.

              He knocked on room 913 and it was all over with; he had all of me as he gave me all of him.

              “Oh hell no,” Olivia interrupted, “How are you not going to give us the goods? I know damn well it was more than you and Lee just passing out each other in a flesh to flesh exchange of bodily fluids! If you’re going to be like Usher and confess at least play by the rules and tell it all chic.”

              Her and my bridle party went on badgering me about our encounter. Now I will admit; we shared stories about lovers we had but Lee was not my lover. He was everything our bedroom needed no physical or verbal audience. As they badgered my secretive behind; I smiled while traveling back in time mentally to that day and moment with my bae.

              He came in the room and looked at my thickness. I knew that he loved what his eye’s had the pleasure to see. I caught an eyeful at his sexy chocolate self. Then I saw him through the window of his beautiful brown eyes and I was open like a can of paint ready to create with him.

              He was on his phone and I was anxious to get a hug from him.  When he got done he took off his black hat and gave me a hug.

              “Wow,” You look amazing Denien.

              “Thank You Lee; I have missed you.”

              “Turn around and let me see you,” Lee requested.

              I put on my diva strut and did a 360 until our eye’s touched and spoke sweet nothings to one another, thinking just take me now. He heard me; I walked over to the bed seductively as I loosen the straps on my heels for his protection as well as mine.

              I lay back on the bed and watched Lee peel off his grey short sweat suit like breaking the skin of a ripe banana. I licked my lips. I was ready to take subtle nibbles of his flesh with my teeth and gently pull and lick that milk chocolate until it evaporated into my mouth. My eyes were over taken with so much lust, the room was filled with a red sexual substance that had captivated our minds and had its way with us.

              He is walking to me with the bright smile. I smile back as he crawls on top of me. He is rubbing his cock on my panties. They are left with wetness; his bell-head imprint with my cream was perfectly filled in the seat of my thongs like a red velvet cupcake. I was sticky; I pulled one leg up and swung it back and forth.

              “Excuse me. I love and appreciate the sexy apparel. Take it off for me please.” Lee said gently. He wanted it skin- to- skin with nothing in the way; not even the white sheets.

              I chuckled as nervously as though it was the very first time. The difference is, this time I was ready to go to another level with Lee. This was the fourth time we were intimate and all, unlike other times nothing went wrong. I remember things shifting in the right direction; something happened, and it had a lot more to do with sex.