Religious Love (4 page)

              Ten years had flown by just that fast. I still hadn’t heard from Lee. I thought of him off and on every now and again. There were moments that I could feel him and what he would be going through at certain points in his journey. All I could do was pray for him asking for a hedge of protection around him.

              It was in 2005; I was awakening out of a deep sleep to go use the potty. Lee popped up in my head. I saw him battling with something serious, I begun to pray, went back to sleep and woke up with him on my mind. There were times that he would pass through my thoughts very lightly; then there were those times where my love sat heavily in my spirit.

              In 2007; I had a dream about him. He was sitting on this brown raggedy couch. It looked like a beat up let out sofa that cat’s took advantage of by tearing up the fabric. He had despair all over his face. I could see the words confusion, danger, hurt, betrayal going in one ear out of another simultaneously as his hands were over his eyes with tears falling through the cracks of his fingers.

              I jumped up immediately and fought hard in prayer for his sanity. The devil wanted to give him a nervous breakdown, but I started to pull those strongholds down in the name of Jesus. When I felt the turmoil and torment in his mind cease; I anointed my head for protection and went back to sleep.

              During this time I was celibate for the most part. I would go several months or years without having sex. I had occasional lovers if I really needed to get off my funk. I could have had some real relationships; shoot I tried it with one. But he said I was too sweet whatever the hell that was supposed to mean.

              A woman of my caliber was hard to be understood by the male species. I had too many guarded walls on my heart. I didn’t want to be vulnerable with anyone and show any signs of weakness by loving even though loving someone was a desire of my heart. But not more than I wanted to get love back in return.

              Rosetta raised her hand, “Denien why did you have so many walls covering your heart?”

              “One simple answer; I was tired of being hurt by every man that would come through my life. I always knew that I was wife material. Look at it I had been raising my sisters since I was six. I was accustoming to what it took to be a homemaker regardless of what my past had been showcasing throughout my life. No matter if I was dating, having a friend with benefits; I always treated it like it was more than what it was subconsciously.”

              When you get hurt by someone that you have feelings for it always takes something from you. It may take your trust, ability to love, the way you feel about men in general. That’s when I learned to just live life without expecting anything in return. In doing so; it took away many unnecessary disappointments.

              Rosetta shook her head in deep agreement. She knew exactly where I was coming from as if she was going through it as we speak.

*************

              In 2010; I moved to Portland Oregon. Ruby’s father had got in contact with me as well as Sapphires. They wanted me to move back Portland so that they could be back active in our children’s lives.

              I was working a pretty decent job; making good money and finally had my feet on dry land the right way. I took into heavy consideration and asked of them to both sit down; get a plan and we’d go from there.

              Needless to say, I once again sacrificed my life to make sure that my two children would have their fathers back in their lives. The conditions were they would put their monies together, get a place for me and mine.

              When I got to Portland they had not found a place they paid for one of those motels that looked like a studio for a months’ time. The money that I had from selling all my belongings was enough for proper clothing and the essential needs. The rest I was compelled to put up to furnish my home.

              After those thirty day’s they were nowhere to be found. One of them got married and the other; I heard from him no more. I felt like such a fool. My intentions were for my children. The execution was devastating not to me but Ruby and Sapphire suffered more behind the fatal disappearing acts.

              Sapphire took it hard she wanted to be loved by her father so bad. That straight a student took a turn for the worst but that another story for a different day.

************

              I ended up moving in with my sister for two years; the worst two years of my life. The economy sucked and I couldn’t find any work. That didn’t stop me from looking under every rock and crevice. I walked every day from one side of town to another looking for employment.

              In the midst of that I met a dude named Paul. He was the same age as I though he acted fresh out of his mother’s womb. The only reason that I talked to Paul was for no other reason; something to do.

              My sister called herself playing match maker. I was leery after my first sister tried the same thing and they ended up together. I didn’t trip then because even he was just something to do.

              Paul was childish and when he didn’t get his way; he would disappear. The woman that I am tried to understand why was he that way. I found no answer to what I was seeking, so I threw up the deuces and walked away. One thing about me; I have been through enough bullshit to recognize game.

              He stopped responding, I stopped calling and life went on without Paul. And I lost no sleep. Until he came back three months later thinking it would be that simple; talking about he was going through some things.

              He was going through some things alright; I bet my bottom dollar that thing was a female with a name. When he was done going through Paul figured, he could come to me and get healed. The devil is a lie.

*************

I tried to go to bed that night. I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned because Lee was heavy on my mind again. Whatever he was wrestling with, I could feel it in my spirit. I don’t know if I was dreaming or having a premonition. I drifted in the spiritual realm of where he was being held captive in the battle of his mind.

              Life was being sucked out of him like a cat taking a baby’s soul. I could hear the oppression crying out from his soul like a man trying to escape hell and couldn’t; he was domed.

              My heart went into deep beats that shot panic through my mind. There was a woman’s ugly hand. She was his puppet master as she dangled him from her unhuman looking claws. Those were some ugly hands which are demonstrating unruly, demonic powers by an evil witch on a mission. Her eyes had no life in them; they were charcoal black including the whites as well as pupil. Her laugh was one that screeched out like a banshee happily satisfied with her manipulation. She felt like she couldn’t be destroyed. I appeared in the dream pleading the blood of Jesus. That devil left but Lee was very weak. I took the sword of fire that appeared in my right hand, boldly went and cut the stings off of him. When I went to help him, I woke up.

              That dream was so real. I could still smell her cheap perfume in my nostrils. This time was different instead of moving on with my day. I took a fast for Lee. I fought two day’s for him.  I knew that I was on the right track because all hell started to break loose in my own life.

**************

              We clashed badly in my sister’s home. What was expected to be a couple weeks turned into 2yrs of no work and it sucked, I was always used to working my butt off for my children. They were frustrated because they weren’t use to living the way we were; crowded in filth. I was living with bunch of grown folks; too many Chiefs and not enough Indians.

              My demons started to embrace me all over again. The way I survived all those years ago my demons wanted me to revert, entertain and reintroduce myself to the game. A game I fought hard to retire from. I meant wasn’t going back to that horrid place.

                I wanted out of that damn house. I had two options sell some drugs or do something strange for a piece of change. For the first time it was a battle that I won. I had escaped jail and can say that the couple of unprotected stupid choices, I live free of a deadly disease that could have trapped me.

              I was honestly proud and confident.  I mastered of keeping my pussy to myself. Even though once-upon-a-time, I loved to share. I was always yearning for something very meaningful and precious, like real love while passing out coochie coupons in my younger days.

              Like I stated before, Lee was on my mind for several days. It was nonstop. The more I thought about him; the more there was an urge to seek him. It was compelling like watching a butterfly emerge from its stifling cocoon.

              I was looking for work at the library on this particular day. I sat at the computer and Lee hit my spirit so strong it was like seeing him, feeling him and wanted to know if he was okay. It was so bad that I could smell him and his situation; it stunk reeking of disgust and unhappiness.

              It’s funny the same tool that brought us together in the first place; was the same mechanism to connect us again, only it was the internet instead of the telephone. I took a deep breath shaking the anxiety that I was pulling from his location.

              I got on a site that was very popular. I had created my account in 2009. I really didn’t get on it that much; it was like My-space, not very appeasing to me maybe for young children. I typed in Lee McPherson.

              When his profile popped up it scared me. He had on blue jeans, white T-Shirt, blue collar shirt that was not buttoned, some brown flip flops and he was holding what looked like a Cuban cigar. I was frightened at what I saw on the inside, with my third eye that can never be fooled. My discernment was real.

              The feelings came back stronger and more powerful. I touched the screen like he was a loved one lost; supernatural he was, and I found him. I did what came naturally and prayed for him silently in the Library.

              My question was answered, Lee might have looked good on the outside, and if the inside could talk it would tell you another story. I sat there not knowing what to do next. Should I text, friend request, poke or just leave well enough alone?

              I couldn’t leave well enough alone; God already told me that I could have him 10 years ago. If I’m not mistaken I sent Lee a friend request. I waited for an hour and with no response I walked back home.

              My thoughts were all over the place. I wondered if he was well. How was his family? Did he remarry someone else? I just wanted to catch up if nothing else could transpire at this moment but a deep friendship.

              I went home and pulled my weight around the house, took a long hot shower, pulled out my green journal and begun to self-rehabilitate. In the short amount of time that I was there; it seemed like a lifetime of pure hell. After my writings, I went to bed with Lee on my mind. This time, he was in a black T-shirt swinging from side to side looking at his computer. I went to sleep peacefully knowing that when would arrive at the library, we would connect.

              I woke up the next morning anxious to see if he would respond. He did! It was the basic propaganda so forth and so on, catching up with a couple of back and forth via-texts. I was very excited though he paid me no never mind for the most part, and I was cool.              

              In my panic of losing him again, I went and got his telephone number. I can’t recall if I called or text. But I did make myself known with Lee.  I left him my number, and we started talking on a common basis.

              The first and only time that I did a two for one trip, was traveling home to see my grandmother. I would include him if he would accept the invitation of seeing an old friend. He did, and I made arrangements, planned, reserved and in the spring of 2011; I was in the presence of a man, that my heart would always beat for since April of 2001.Then those roles reversed, I would want to see him instead; seeing my grandmother became a bonus. Here we are again; is what I was thinking to myself.  He knocked on the door. I approached the brown room door that said 207 at the Red Roof Inn. I was nervous because so much time had passed. I didn’t know if he would be attracted to me, “Well here goes nothing,” I said as I gazed out of the peephole.

              I opened the door, and I smiled deeply; it was Lee. He hadn’t changed much at all except for the maturity that was imprinted on his face.

              “Get your-self in here,” I said as I let him in while checking him out in his black sweat suit.

              He sat his black duffle bag on the luggage cart in the room. He gave me a hug, “Look at you, beautiful,” is what he said.

              “Thank you.” I responded.

              We sat down on the couch and I gave him the remote control out of hospitality. We talked for a little while until what we came there for and what I wanted started to play out.  I can’t say what it was for him; for me it felt like we were picking up where we left off which was casual sex but it was deeper for me.  I always knew who Lee would eventually be to me so I rolled with the situation.

              I watched Lee get undressed, and I decided to do the same. I was ready for him in more ways than one.  I lay on the bed in my panties only, Lee got on top of me and we started to foreplay a bit. Then he stood up on the side of the bed, taking my panties off of me very slow.

              His cock was dangling in my face and I couldn’t help myself. I wasn’t invited, so I took it upon myself to suck his dick until he told me to stop. I gulped his manhood jacking him off at the same time. I remember the way his eye’s rolled up in his head. I recall looking down at his feet admiring the way his socks contoured them perfectly; my foot fetish made me choke his chicken a bit more aggressively like we had beef.

              He pulled me off and threw me on my back. He entered on the inside of me and we got down like we needed a touch; sexual fix to say the least. I didn’t mind being that for him. I knew what it was so he could have me any way that he wanted too.

              The freak in me had come out in those two hours. I hadn’t been touched in a while and his touch captivated me. Not like a dick whipped captivated; but it was more of a chemistry that was supernatural. One of those things when you can’t get enough of a person, the pussy gets dry, the dick gets soft and you keep pushing creating sex scars of greedy lust.

              This was our second time together, so the sex was silent although our bodies were saying, “Shit, damn and fuck yeah.”

              We had sex for about two hours. I could have used four more of those well needed hours of satisfaction. We didn’t cuddle at all this first time. We didn’t even say much. I grew a bit sad because I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring other than Lee not being in my world. What I prayed for is that it would not be another 10 years before I saw him again.

              We got up, got dressed, and he took me to the Greyhound bus station. I remember giving him a picture of me. The thing about it was I hate goodbyes. The time was approaching; he waited with me at the gate. I kissed him on the cheek, he kissed me on the forehead and we parted ways until next time.

              When I got back home Paul was trying to get back in the picture. What Paul didn’t know was that there was not a place for him in my portrait.  I sat him down after the many arguments on the internet, telephone and my sisters trying to convince me to give him another chance.

              2
nd
chances with men, I don’t think so; I didn’t have time to raise someone else’s son. He got the picture, and I never heard from him again unless he popped up at my sister’s house to see her husband; his best friend since childhood. It was still the end of Paul.

              My days back home were good after I got over the sadness of Lee being in one part of the USA.  While I was in another part; we created a long distance love affair.

              The truth is I knew that someone was there before me. It was a little hard for me to cope. But I had to except the fact that there was a woman before me. I couldn’t change the fact that someone would be making love, taking up space with my husband; even though marriage was the furthest thing from his mind at least not with me.

              Ladies can you imagine loving someone; secretly loving someone who has no clue?It does something to you on the inside; you feel flutters. You even want to convey the emotional part of you. I wanted to I fought the longest time with my feeling for him before I told him.

              When I did that spontaneous expression of my heart; all he could do was say, “infinity.” I knew right then; there was no love, not for real. Maybe a like attached with a smudge of care towards me.

              I battled with the rejection and I thought to myself. “Why he would love me?”

              Ten years ago, with a one night stand and some meaningful words. He was just being a gentleman; however the raunchy situation may have gone down between us. What would make him believe that the love-word coming from my mouth was one of fact and not a concocted piece of fiction?

              At that point, I really didn’t know anything about him, couldn’t even tell you his favorite color. It didn’t matter. Because I was still holding on to the promise of God, the feeling in my heart was real. I was dealing with a love at first sight dilemma, in a one-sided confession within myself although I had spoken it into the ear of my lover.

***********

              Time went by and we started to develop a knowing of one another. I did something that I never did in my entire life. I opened up to Lee about my past. I told him the low down and even those things that I’m not proud of, that took place in my life.

              I knew that there was so much betrayal that went on with my family and certain friends. I was protecting myself and him; if my skeletons would somehow creep out of the closet. At least he could tell my accusers that he already knew.

              I didn’t want any secrets; I wanted our friendship to be solely based on honesty. If he couldn’t accept my past, then there would be no need to ask for anything other than where we were at that present time; a good lay in the middle of the barn.

              We text more than we would talk; I assumed it was better that way since he was busy trying to steak claim on the totem pole of success. I didn’t want to interfere with his hectic life. Also like I said, I didn’t know if he was involved with another woman.

              One day he came out and told me about a woman he had relations with; I got jealous. But I knew that it came with the territory. I shook it off the best way that I knew how, and that was to accept the fact that it happened.

              Like I said it’s hard to love someone; knowing that you and another woman shared his body around the same time. I respected the fact that he told me; he could have kept it to himself and took it to the grave.

***********

              Lee and I opened up to each other by putting all the cards on the table, which needed to be front and center at the time. Right there; lying smack dead in the middle of the release table. There was a man and a woman, who had been through hell and high water concerning the opposite sex. His mindset was trust no female and mine was all niggas aren’t shit.

              Trust factors were heavily breached by the time we connected making it hard for him to see that he could in fact trust me. My perceptions were no matter what, I’m going to love him with everything that I have. My faith was stronger than anything on this earth.

              It was almost spring time again, and it was time for Lee and I too meet up again for another encounter of sweet bliss. This time it went totally left field and I just knew that I had lost him forever.

              Love will make you do things that you would never think or see yourself doing in a billion years. It will make you face your fears. It will make you commit to a cause even if there is no reciprocation from the other party. You can’t help who you fall in love with; it’s impossible because love is not a water faucet that you just can turn on or off at any given moment. Because of love I did the unthinkable and faced a fear to be with my lover yet again.