Relativity (10 page)

I scoop out some sweet and sour chicken and fried rice and hand Dad his plate. I’m wondering if tonight will be the night we finally use the dining room table when Dad starts shoveling food robotically into his mouth as he leans against the counter. I scoop out a small portion for myself then hop onto the countertop and balance the plate in my lap.

Silence fills the space between us as we force ourselves to eat.

“I didn’t even have to tell them what we wanted,” Dad says, breaking the silence.

“Mom always said Double Happy was the only restaurant that wouldn’t screw up your order,” I say. My mom was pretty laid-back but nothing could set her off like getting screwed in the drive-thru. She once drove fifteen miles out of her way just to get the Big Mac they forgot to give her. The memory makes me chuckle but I quickly cork it up.

“It’s okay to laugh, sweetie,” Dad assures me.

“I just can’t believe she’s gone. None of this feels real.”

Could I be dreaming? Will I suddenly wake up and Mom be alive and Knox be nothing more than Natalie’s brother?

“I wish I could tell you that we would both wake up, but I’m afraid this is our new reality,” Dad mumbles, staring down at the three fortune cookies in his palm.

******

The next morning, I drive Mom’s mini-van to school and manage to get out and walk into the building. My body is screaming to take a detour to Knox’s house but my head knows that I can’t take anymore stupid chances. Besides, I have to start living my life again, even if I don’t want to.

“Hi, Ripley,” a hundred voices say softly as I make my way to my locker. I nod and smile, praying that the new motherless vibe wears off soon and everyone goes back to being normal. I spin my lock a few times, coming up blank on my combination, then automatic pilot takes over spinning it left and right to the correct numbers, finally popping the lock open. I grab a notebook and pen, knowing it’s pointless but needing something to clutch to my chest like a security blanket on my trip back down the hall.

“You make grieving look good,” Natalie says, sidling up beside me.

“What can I say, I’m starting to be an old pro.”

“Seriously though, you look different. Like more mature or something,” she says, squinting her eyes at me like focusing better will help her figure out what is different about me. I pray that my guilt over having my way with her brother isn’t smeared all over my face like cheap lipstick. And if she tells me I’m glowing, I might lose it.

I’ve barely allowed myself to think about the fact that Knox didn’t use a condom the last time we were together. Everything happened so fast and was so intense that we just forgot. As if this whole situation wasn’t complicated enough, now I have to spend the next few weeks worrying if I’m pregnant with Natalie’s niece or nephew.

Sweat beads on my forehead at the thought. I fan myself with my notebook but it doesn’t seem to help.

“Are you okay?” Natalie asks, genuine concern lacing her voice, multiplying my guilt quotient.

“I’m fine. I just want to get these next two weeks over. Do you think your parents would mind if I waited until next week to start at Mozzarella?” I ask, starting to slowly make my way down the hall.

Nat places her hand gently on my shoulder and stops me, “Whenever you’re ready, Rip. And if you’re never ready, that’s okay.”

It is such an uncharacteristically sweet gesture from my always-keep-the-mood-light best friend that I’m sincerely touched. Guilt floods through me knowing that the real reason I can’t bear to start waitressing yet isn’t Mom’s death but facing Knox.

“This is me,” Nat says, stopping in an open doorway. “Love ya, girly.” She disappears before I can reciprocate. I meander down the crowded hallway and realize that for the first time in four years the crowd moves to the side in my wake. I recognize it as a small gesture of respect but I think I would feel better getting crashed into, like usual. Somehow, I make it down the hall and into my AP classroom. I slink down into my seat and try not to notice how the air in the classroom seemed to change at my very presence.

At lunchtime, I grab a bag of chips and a carton of chocolate milk from the ala’ carte line and head outside to sit under a tree, alone. I lean my head back against the trunk of the tree and close my eyes. A memory of Knox kissing my neck and running his hands down my body flashes behind my closed eyes. I haven’t allowed myself to think of him all day but this time I let myself go. I’m gripping his strong arms as his mouth makes it way to my left nipple.

“Is this a bad time?” a voice says, ripping me out of my fantasy.

I jerk my head up and my eyes open to see Tate standing in front of me. “Oh, Tate, hi,” I stutter, trying to wipe Knox from my mind.

“Can I sit?” he asks politely. I nod and watch him attempt to lower his daddy long legs pretzel style to the ground. We both laugh as he lands semi-awkwardly on the ground next to me. “That went a lot smoother in my head.”

“I’m so sorry about yesterday,” I start. “I just…just..,” I trail off.
Just what? Couldn’t get Knox’s cock in me fast enough and forgot all about you? Jeez
.

“Don’t even sweat it. I don’t know how you’re even here. You’re so strong,” Tate compliments me.

I feel like the biggest fucking fraud. Everyone thinks that I’m handling everything so well and really keeping it together when I’m actually fucking my best friend’s brother, or was, and really haven’t even thought about my mother since Knox invaded my brain. Yeah, I’m a real poster child for grief. More like a poster child for most horrible and dysfunctional human being.

“I’m really not that strong,” I counter, realizing that it hasn’t even been twenty-four hours since I was with Knox and I was already fantasizing about him touching me again.

“I really like you, Ripley,” Tate says, startling me.

“I like you, too, Tate,” I say, wishing I could get back what I felt for him just a few weeks ago. We could start dating, I’d forget all about Knox, and life would get back to normal except for the fact that my perfect mother is six feet under.

“Maybe we could go out some time,” he offers nervously.

“I start working at Mozzarella tonight so I’m going to be really busy.”

“Oh, okay,” he says, sounding dejected.

Jesus, I’ve lost all social etiquette. I just basically blew off the guy I’ve been drooling over forever. “I didn’t mean it like that, Tate. I would like to go out with you, I just know I’m going to be busy.”

He perks up as I try to half-way redeem myself. “I could always come in and see you,” he offers.

Oh, yes, because that’s exactly what I need
. I think I’ve kept it together pretty well the last few weeks but putting Knox and Tate together might just ignite the powder keg fuse I feel like I’ve been dragging around since Mom died. “Why don’t you let me get my bearings first? I don’t want to dump a pitcher of pop in your lap or anything.”

“Okay,” he agrees, but doesn’t look happy. “But you promise we’ll do something together soon?”

I nod to appease him even though I know I’ll probably just end up blowing him off.

It’s almost like he really likes me. At first, I just thought it was pity but now I get the feeling that he truly does want to be with me. Nothing like feast or famine.

******

“In our down time, we bundle silverware. It isn’t rocket science, just roll a knife and a fork into a paper napkin and drop it in this tub.” Natalie gestures to an overflowing tub of paper napkin-wrapped silverware.

“Our menu is pretty basic; just breadsticks, cheese breadsticks, thin-crust pizza, salad, and soda. You just need to memorize the salad dressings, the sodas, and the pizza ingredients and you’re golden. You’ll know it all by the end of the day,” she says matter-of-factly.

I wish I could feel half the confidence that she seems to have in me. My stomach is in knots, terrified I’ll screw up. “Are Tuesday’s busy?” I ask, timidly.

“Just carryout, but Knox is off tonight so we’ll mostly be prepping pizzas. Dine-in should be chill so I’ll probably let you handle it and just shadow you. You’ll be fine, I swear,” she says, her phone buzzing insistently. She winks at me then disappears down the hallway to the restroom.

I know I should be more focused on the fact that Knox isn’t here. I know this is probably a good thing so I can focus on learning what I’m supposed to be doing but the disappointment settling over me is overwhelming. I almost cry realizing that I won’t see him tonight. How in the world did I think I would ever be able to just think of him as a friend after everything we’ve been through?

I try as hard as I can to push him out of my mind. I concentrate on balancing the empty tray on my palm, trying to figure out how in the world I’m going to manage it with a pitcher of pop and glasses full of ice when I can barely balance it empty. Hopefully this is one of those acquired skills that you just have to practice a lot.

I glance around the pizza place while trying to balance the tray on my palm. I’ve always loved it here. The adorable red-and-white-checkered tablecloth covered bistro tables and matching chairs. The vintage arcade games in the back corner next to the jukebox that doesn’t play any music newer than 1990.

But my favorite thing of all time is the chalkboard wall. The entire east wall used to be an exposed brick wall that gave Mozzarella a very hip, chic look. The problem was that kids used their silverware to carve their initials into the aging brick and mortar, causing a mess. No matter what the Parson’s did to try and discourage the graffiti artists, they would always end the night cleaning up mortar dust. Defeated, they had someone drywall over the brick then paint the entire wall with chalkboard paint. Boxes of colored chalk are scattered around the room and the pastime that was once taboo is now the thing that Mozzarella is famous for.

They’ve had proposals, pregnancy announcements, makeups, breakups, and some insanely incredible artwork splashed across this wall. Right now, our school mascot, the trout, is swimming around in a chalk-created lake planked by lyrics to a popular song on one side, and someone’s phone number on the other. A tiny heart near the bottom of the wall catches my eye. I grip my tray to my side and walk over toward the wall.

I bend down to get a closer look, wondering why someone would hide this all the way down by people’s feet when I see the initials inside the heart. K + R. Adrenaline shoots through my body as I glance around to make sure Natalie isn’t back. I can hear her laughing from a safe distance so I pull out my cell phone and take a picture of the heart. Then, I spit on my hand and wipe it away, not willing to search around for an eraser.

Only when I’m sure that our secret is safe do I allow myself to smile, knowing that Knox put that there for my eyes only and that I’ll be able to look at the picture of it later when I’m snuggled in my bed. I know secrets are supposed to be bad but carrying this one makes my insides glow.

I manage to make it through my first night without dumping anything on anyone. I did serve two tables the wrong pizza a few times but it all got worked out and everyone was understanding. I have a feeling people are cutting me some slack because of Mom. Normally, I’d be pissed about the special treatment but this time I’ll take it.

All night, I kept thinking that Knox might pop in, just to see me, but he was a no show. I guess it is for the best. At least one of us is keeping up our end of the bargain with the exception of the chalkboard wall PDA.

“You did really great tonight, Ripley,” Mr. Parsons says, wiping up a table next to the one I’m cleaning.

“Thank you, Mr. Parsons. I really appreciate you giving me a job here.”

“Sweetie, call me Chad. And we love having you. You’ve always been such a good influence on our Natalie,” he says, smiling sweetly. I’ve always loved Natalie’s dad. He reminds me of a giant teddy bear.

“I hope you know if you need anything, anything at all,” he trails off, meeting my eyes. He rushes back to the kitchen but I could swear I almost saw tears in his eyes before he fled.

I smile and go back to cleaning my tables and wonder if anyone will ever look at me without feeling pity again. Maybe that is one of the reasons I feel so alive with Knox because I know when he looks at me he isn’t just seeing some girl who lost her mother.

I shake off the self-pity and help Natalie close up as best I can. I see Mr. Parsons watching me with a funny look on his face and I worry that I screwed something up after all.

“Is everything okay, Dad?” Natalie asks, noticing him staring at me.

He finishes tying up the trash and mumbles something about me doing a good job then disappears out the back door.

“See how weird he’s being?” she whispers. “I think his girlfriend broke up with him.”

I elbow Natalie in the arm. There is no way her dad would cheat on her mom, even if I don’t understand how they ever got together in the first place.

Natalie gives the restaurant a once-over and declares us finished for the night.

“Sweet,” Natalie says, tossing her apron on a nearby hook. She already has her keys in her hand and is halfway out the door before I can even grab my purse. I try to catch up with her to see if she wants to catch a late movie or something but she is already zooming out of the parking lot when I come out the back door. She toots her horn and I watch her as she speeds off like a crazy woman. A knot forms in my stomach, wondering what my best friend is up to.

Mr. Parson’s didn’t want to overwhelm me so I haven’t worked since my first day. I’m on the schedule for tonight though, which is Saturday. So, not only will I be working on a day when it is super busy, but I’ll also be working with Knox for the first time. I haven’t seen or talked to him since the day I stood Tate up. I thought it would get easier to forget about him as more time went by. I was wrong. I can’t seem to get into my bed at night without fantasizing about him gently gripping my hair, kissing my neck, and slowly undressing me. We’ve had sex in my mind so many times it isn’t even funny.