Relative Happiness (30 page)

Lexie wiped Josh's face with his bib. It was a mess. He held up his plate to his face and licked it off. She was sure if she ordered caviar, he'd polish that off as well. The kid ate everything. He took after Sophie.

They sat at the table and drank their ever-present cup of tea. Josh sat in his high chair with a small bunch of grapes and peeled the skin off each one before he ate it.

“So Susie, how's married life?”

“It's wonderful.”

Lexie drew a circle in the fortune cookie crumbs. “What's so wonderful about it?”

“Everything.”

“Be more specific.”

“Well, let's see. I wake up in the morning, turn over and Ernie's lying beside me. That's nice. I make supper and he sits beside me. That's nice. I go for groceries and he stands beside me in the checkout line, and—”

“Let me guess…that's nice.”

“Very.”

“And if you worked in the garden, I imagine he'd kneel beside you. Is that it?”

She hit Lexie's arm. “Stop making fun of me.”

“I'm not. I'm envious.”

Lexie looked at her crumbs. Susie finally said, “You must find it hard to be alone all the time. Why don't you go out with some guys? I've had two fellows who bowl with us on Friday nights ask about you. They wondered if you were seeing anyone. You'll always be alone if you don't step out the door.”

“I can't.”

“Why not, for heaven's sake?”

“I don't want to.”

“What on earth are you waiting for?”

“Adrian.”

Susie looked at her as if she was insane. “The guy who left over two years ago? The guy who took off with your sister? What's wrong with you? He only lived here for two months. He was your lodger. He wasn't your boyfriend. You never even kissed him.”

“He kissed me once.”

Susie crossed her arms. “Well that's enough of a commitment for most women to throw the rest of their lives away.”

Lexie didn't answer.

“Lexie, I love you, but you're nuts. This is a waste. Has he come back to you? Has he written? Has he phoned? I take it he must have broken up with your sister?”

It sounded horrible when she said it out loud.

“Gabby said he loved me.”

“Then where is he?”

“She said he had to go away and figure out why he leaves the people he loves.”

“I guess he hasn't figured it out yet.”

Beth opened the pantry door to get Josh a cookie when she stopped dead. She looked startled.

“Girls, come down here this minute.”

Josh looked at Lexie. He recognized the tone, if not the words. Lexie didn't know what she could be mad at.

The girls entered the kitchen reluctantly. They stood as a group, looking guilty. Lexie tried not to grin.

“Who did it?” Beth asked.

“Not me.”

“Not me.”

“Not me.”

“No.”

Beth opened the pantry door wider. She gestured for the girls to look inside.

“Well?”

They kept quiet. Lexie had no idea what she was annoyed about. Josh gave her the first clue.

“Elmo!”

She got up from the chair and leaned over the table to take a look. She had to keep her lips glued together so she wouldn't laugh. Beth looked at her and winked.

“Who put Elmo in the cereal box?”

Elmo was fast asleep inside a jumbo box of Alpha Bits. She wore a baby bonnet and her paws had socks on them. Alpha Bits covered the floor of the pantry.

“Well, if no one will admit it, I guess you'll have to go to your rooms until I tell you to come down.” Beth pointed her arm in the direction of the stairs. “Now.”

They were a sorry lot as they trooped upstairs. Beth closed the pantry door a little, after she retrieved the cookies and gave Josh two, one for each hand.

“Might as well let the poor thing sleep. Looks like the girls wore her out.”

“Oh, my God, they're so cute.”

“They are sweet, aren't they? I know how lucky I am.”

Lexie thought to herself how Beth had come such a long way, being able to be grateful for what she had, instead of what she'd lost.

“How do you think Mom's doing?”

“She's sad a lot of the time,” Lexie said. “Josh takes her mind off it during the day. I think that's why she likes him over. She doesn't have to think.”

Beth put her elbows on the table and held her cheeks with palms of her hands. She looked like her girls, just a little kid. “I miss Dad.”

Lexie did the same thing. “So do I.”

“Lex, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“Do you think they had a happy marriage?”

“I guess so.”

“Oh.”

She was curious. “Why? Don't you think so?”

“I don't know. I suppose. It was something Rory said one day. It just made me wonder.”

“What did he say?”

“He wasn't trying to be mean, it was more an observation. That he felt sorry for Dad sometimes, always locked away in his study, like he was shoved aside by all the estrogen whirling about.”

“He might be right.”

Beth didn't look at her. “Have you heard rumours about Dad?”

Her mouth was dry. “What kind of rumours?”

She still didn't look at her. “The kind Mom insinuated the day of the wake.”

Lexie was stuck. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn't. She wanted so badly to be able to share this awful thing with her sister. Beth waited for her to tell her how she should feel. Should she believe the rumours or not?

Lexie took a deep breath.

“Beth. Dad may have been lonely from time to time, and maybe it was difficult for them to be together a lot, because of his job and her commitments. But I know one thing for certain. Dad didn't cheat on Mom, if that's the rumour you are referring too. I mean, this is Dad, for heaven's sake.”

Beth let out a deep sigh and gave her a big smile. The look of relief was obvious.

“I knew it. God, I feel stupid. Want a cup of tea?”

“Are you on one of those newfangled diets?” Marlene asked.

Lexie tried to type her orders into the computer but it rejected her. A blue screen screamed at her to say she made a fatal error. She certainly did…horrible hunk of junk. She hit the top of the computer with the side of her fist.

“I can tell you for sure. That doesn't make one bit of difference,” Marlene told her.

“I know that.”

“You have to hit it on the side and jiggle the bejesus out of the mouse.”

Lexie tried it. It worked.

“I told ya.” Marlene cracked her gum even faster. She loved being right.

“You're so clever.”

“I know.”

Lexie looked at the screen to try and find the right link for the department she wanted. “What did you say?”

“I said,” Marlene cracked again, “are you on one of them newfangled diets?”

“No. I have a peanut butter and banana sandwich for lunch.”

“Oh. Well, it's four o'clock and ya haven't eaten it yet. No wonder ya look thinner.”

After Lexie got ready for bed that night, she went in and gave Josh his goodnight kiss. He'd been asleep for hours. She looked in his crib and as always her heart melted when she saw his sweet face. His hair was damp, so she took off his blanket. She rubbed her hand over his head. His hair was long now, and it curled at the bottom.

He looked so much like Joss. What have I done little boy, to bring you up without your father? She wanted a child to keep her from being lonely yet she hadn't even thought about what it would be like for him. How would her life be now, if she'd grown up without her Dad? She couldn't bear thinking about it.

She went into the bathroom to wash her face and looked at herself in the mirror. She did look a lot thinner, but she wasn't happy about it. She looked worn out.

Lexie went to bed and thought about what she should do. Adrian wasn't coming back. Should she try to find Joss and let him know about his son?

She rolled over and looked out the window. The full moon shone down on her. She rubbed her thumb back and forth gently over her lips, then cried her heart out.

Many, many miles away, Joss stood by his living room window with a can of beer in his hand. He was there so long, his date came looking for him. She stood in the doorway, wearing his bathrobe.

“Are you alright, Joss?”

He turned. “Sorry?”

She came over and peered out the window. “What are you looking at?”

“There's a full moon tonight.”

“That's nice. Are you coming back to bed?”

Joss smiled an empty smile and nodded. She took his hand and led him away from the window.

Lexie went to ask Dad what she should do. It was a damp, bone-chilling day that matched her mood. She drove out to Black Brook cemetery, whose huge trees were as old as the cemetery itself. White stones spoke of old sorrows. In the summer, the nearby sandbar would be filled with herons and ducks of all kinds. It was a beautiful place and Lexie was glad her father was at rest here.

She drove up the lane and turned the corner. A car was parked near her father's grave. Darn. She'd hoped to be alone. It was awful to be so selfish that you didn't want other people to visit their own loved ones, but she really needed to speak to her dad.

Leaving Betsy parked farther back than she would have liked, Lexie started to walk toward her father's grave. That's when she realized it was Lillian Holmes.

Oh no, you bloody don't.

“Get out of here.”

Lillian whipped around.

Lexie started to run towards her. “Leave my father alone. Get away from him. Get away from us and never come back here. Go away. Go away!”

Lillian looked at her as if she was crazy. Maybe she was. Maybe she'd gone mad. She didn't know anything anymore. Lexie tried to shout again but she couldn't. Everything became small, like looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

She stopped and started to sway. “Oh no. Oh no.”

All her energy left her. This was too much. She couldn't stand anymore. Lexie fell on her knees and started to sob. She had nothing else she could say. Her heart was broken and she couldn't stand up.

Lillian hurried over to her. “Lexie, let me help you.”

“I don't want your help. I don't need your help,” Lexie cried. But she couldn't move. Her knees and her hands froze to the cold ground.

“Please, Lexie,” she pleaded with her. “You need help. You have to let me help you.” Lillian held out her hand.

“No.”

But she was so cold. Finally, Lexie didn't care anymore. She didn't care about Lillian Holmes. She didn't care about anything. She just needed to get up. Her stomach heaved and her head ached. Her nose ran as she choked on her tears.