Relative Happiness (26 page)

Was she? She thought about Joss often, but always had to stop herself. It was too big to think of. It blotted out everything.

“No.”

Beth looked exasperated. Lexie needed an explanation.

“Beth, I fell in love with Joss's body, if you must know the truth. The package. I really didn't know him. I mean we were only together for seven days. I'll love him for the rest of my life for giving me Joshua, but it's over.”

“I think you hope Adrian will come back.”

Lexie didn't say anything.

No one at home knew she'd seen Adrian. She had sworn Kate and Daphne to secrecy. She wasn't sure why, maybe humiliation. Afraid to spoil her happiness, she never even told Susan.

If he'd only shouted her name, she would have stayed glued to that platform, and waited for him to come down to her side. But he didn't. He looked as though he was asking himself why he'd want to get involved with her again.

He knew where she lived. He never sent her a postcard. I mean, how many clues did she need before she got it through her head. He only used her. And her sister.

She went to Mom's to pick Josh up after work and was invited to stay for supper. While Mom put the potatoes on, Josh played on the floor with a strainer and wooden spoon. She sought out her dad.

She knocked on the door of his study.

“Come.”

She poked her head around so he could see it was her.

“Hi Princess, come on in.”

“Hi Daddy. Whatcha doin'?” Her old question.

“Staying out of your mother's way.” They laughed at their old joke.

Lexie thought he looked tired. “How are you?”

“Tired.” He put his hand through his hair, and gave the top of his head a little scratch. He smoothed his hair back down again.

“Dad, why don't you retire? You could have done it long ago.”

“I suppose so, but I still feel useful. I don't like to throw in the towel and leave these younger men in the lurch. They have young families they don't see enough of as it is.”

“But you've certainly done your fair share. You've delivered half the people in this town.”

He started to swivel in his chair.

“You know Lex, it's been a rewarding life. Seeing newborns come into the world, so much hope and expectation. And so much heartache when things go wrong. We know that as a family, far too well.”

They sat in silence for awhile.

“Life never comes out the way you think,” she said finally. “I had it in my head I'd be like Beth now, with a husband and a bunch of kids and a normal life. That's all I ever wanted.”

“There's no such thing as a normal life, Lexie. Things don't always come out the way we expect, no matter how hard we try.”

“Have you tried hard, Dad?”

“What do you mean?”

Lexie chewed her thumbnail. “I don't know. Have things in your life turned out the way you wanted them to?”

His chair stopped. They looked at each other.

“Not exactly. But I don't think anyone lives without regret.” He paused. “We've all travelled on roads that may have been better left unexplored. I know I have.”

Lexie nodded and continued to bite her nail. She waited, but he said nothing else.

Finally she gave a big sigh. “I feel like the tortoise of the family, while all my sisters are hares.”

Dad clasped his hands together, leaned forward and put them on his desk, as if to explain something to one of his worried patients.

“Honey, don't compare yourself to your sisters. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to them. Everyone has dreams that don't come true. Would you really want Beth's life? Would you want to lose your son? Would you want the struggles Kate has faced in her life?”

Lexie looked at him.

“Yes, I know about Kate, and I admire how she gets on with things in spite of everything. Or, my dear girl, would you really want to be like Gabby, who feels she can't come home because she's so ashamed?”

Lexie got upset. “All I wanted was to love someone, and he went away and never came back. How do I live with that? Or more importantly, how do I forget him?”

She thought of two men when she said that, though Dad thought she meant Adrian.

“Maybe Lexie,” Dad said kindly, “it wasn't about you at all. Maybe it was about him, something he wanted to forget, or run away from.”

She looked at her father.

“Lexie, I met Adrian once, but once was enough. He was a man in serious trouble. No matter what kind of public face he put on.”

Dad paused. “Think about it. He spent his time here wandering the shoreline by himself. A man doesn't walk alone, for months at a time, unless he has a pain so big he has to keep moving, to keep it at arm's length.”

She didn't say anything at first.

“How did you get so smart, Dad?”

“If you live long enough Lexie, you learn a thing or two.”

Later, as they dried the dishes, she asked Mom a question she hadn't wanted to ask before.

“Mom, did Adrian leave Gabby, or did Gabby leave him?”

“He left her.”

“Then I wish she'd come home.”

Chapter Thirteen

She got the call as she got ready for bed.

“Lexie.” Her mother's voice was so faint she could hardly hear her. She knew something was very wrong.

“Mom, what is it?”

“It's your father. Please come.”

Her voice trembled. “Where are you?”

“At the hospital.”

“Mom, I'll be right there.” She hung up and dialled the phone.

“Susan, you need to come and take care of Joshua. It's my dad. I have to go.”

She ran into outpatients. She could see nurses and doctors. They all looked at her. Crying. No.

She saw Lillian. She sat on a chair, in a corner of the hall, away from everything, her head in her hands. Lexie ran past her. She ran until she saw someone. Her father's old friend, Dr. Smith, waited for her. That's good. Smitty would know what to do.

He grabbed her arm before she could go in the room. Her mother stood by a hospital bed. She could see her father's feet.

“Lexie, please.”

Her lower jaw was numb. “He'll be alright, won't he?”

“Lexie, your father died. I'm so sorry. We did everything we could.”

Her mother turned around. They reached for each other. They were drowning in sorrow. From the corridor came the sound of people running. She could hear Beth's voice, then Rory's. They reached for them too.

Beth fainted. Rory and Mom went with the doctor to lay her on a bed, while Lexie stayed by her father's side. She looked at his wonderful face and wondered where he went. How could he just go and not be here? She didn't even kiss him when she said goodbye last night, she was in such a rush to get home. How would they live without him? How did this work? She didn't know what to do. She put her hand out to touch his but she was afraid. It would be cold and her father had never been anything but warm.

She felt an arm go around her shoulder. She turned to see the head nurse beside her. Lexie knew her face, but forgot her name. She steadied her.

“Oh Daddy,” Lexie moaned. “You need to come back. I'm never going to see you again.”

“Yes, you will Lexie.”

She didn't understand. She turned towards her.

“Just look in the mirror.”

She didn't know who drove them home. It was the middle of the night, and the lights were on. Mom's good friends Eleanor and Jeanne waited inside the door. Kind Smitty had called them before they left the hospital. They took hold of her mother and cried in each others' arms before they led her inside and took off her coat. They made her sit with a hot cup of tea laced with brandy. The three of them, friends since they were young, huddled together.

Lexie and Beth sat at the kitchen table and held hands. Rory was on the phone. He called home to tell their next-door neighbour the bad news and to check on the girls.

Lexie had to call her sisters. Mom was in no shape to talk to anyone. How could she tell them? Rory wondered if they should wait until morning to tell Kate, so she wouldn't drive through the night. Lexie said no, she'd want to be with them as soon as she could. She knew Daphne would drive the five hours home.

How do you tell your baby sister her dad is dead? Their father was their rock. He was the one who was steady and sure, as the women in his family swirled around him in constant chaos. They could go to him for anything, and nothing they ever did would make him stop loving them. And now there was a big gaping hole.

Lexie told Daphne first because she answered the phone. Daphne would be there to hold Kate. It was her only consolation.

“I'm coming, Lexie. I'm coming,” Kate cried. “Oh my God. I'll be there as soon as I can. Tell Mommy I love her. Oh God.” The phone went dead. She was coming.

Her mother sobbed from the other room. “Lexie, I want Gabby. I want Gabby home. Tell her to come home.”

Lexie went upstairs to find her mother's address book on her bedside table and searched for Gabby's number. There were five different ones, all for her. One was circled with the word ‘new' beside it.

Gabby picked up on the first ring. Lexie didn't even know what time zone she was in.

“Hello?”

Lexie started to cry. It was so good to hear her voice.

“Gabby, it's Lexie.”

“Lexie? Oh my God, what's wrong?”

“It's Daddy.”

“Is he sick? What's going on? What's happened?” She was frantic.

“I don't know how to tell you this.”

“He's dead, isn't he? Is he dead?”

“I'm so sorry, Gabby. I'm so sorry.” She cried so hard she couldn't breathe.

Gabby dropped the phone. She wailed, howled. Lexie couldn't help her. She was too far away.

The wake was delayed a day, to give Gabby a chance to get home from England. She was distraught. A friend, a female voice anyway, called and said she needed a little time to compose herself before she flew over the Atlantic. The friend said not to worry—she would take her to the airport herself.

For two days, it was an endless nightmare. Lexie wasn't sure where she was, or what she was supposed to do. Susan dropped everything and took care of Josh and Sophie. Lexie would go home to get changed and hug Josh. She'd cry with Susan, then head back to the house. Beth and Rory spent more time at home. The girls were very upset, and it made Beth feel better to be home with them.

Kate and Daphne stayed with Mom. Lexie ended up going to the door to thank their neighbours and friends for their gifts of food. They had too much, and still they existed on ice water from the fridge dispenser.

Rory left for the airport to get Gabby, but when Lexie heard the back door open, she thought it was yet another friend with ham or cabbage rolls. She went to meet them.

Gabby stood there with Rory behind her, the suitcases in his hands. She dropped her purse and sagged against the door.

“Lexie, help me.”

She caught Gabby in her arms before she fell.

Mom gathered the four of them in her bedroom before the wake.

“Please sit, girls.”

They looked at each other and did as she asked. Mom stood by the window in her black suit and held a handkerchief in her hand. She dabbed her eyes before she threw her shoulders back and composed herself.

“We need all our strength, girls, to get through this day and the funeral tomorrow. I want you to make your father proud, by acting like ladies and holding your heads up high. There will be no crying or carrying on. That's behaviour for behind closed doors.”

They rushed to tell her she could count on them.

“We have wonderful friends who will help us through this. That's what makes living in a small town so wonderful. But small towns thrive on gossip, especially gossip about those who were well known, like your father.”

She took a moment. They waited.

“You might hear rumours that your dad was over at Lillian Holmes' house for something other than hospital business.”

Lexie's sisters were indignant that anyone would say such a thing. They all started to speak at once. Mom held up her hand and made them listen.

“I'm the only authority that matters. I want you to know that your dad would never do such a thing. I know…knew him better than anyone else, and so do you. He was, in fact, over at Lillian's because she had a patient in crisis and needed his opinion. The man had a sudden seizure. Lillian dialled 911 immediately, and went to the hospital with him. Smitty was on call and phoned me right away. End of story.”