Reggie & Me (7 page)

Mum said that we’ll know when we’ve settled here because the beeping will start again. I hoped that would happen soon. The only thing I’d been using my phone for is playing games in lunch breaks when I would rather have been talking to people.

‘I’m thinking about trying out for the sports teams if you don’t mind. If I get selected it might mean some after school practice, so Reggie wouldn’t get a walk until a bit later.’

Mum was really pleased and ironically decided to celebrate this decision by ordering us a pudding! She said, ‘That sounds like a brilliant idea, you used to love all that team stuff and I’m
sure Reggie will cope for an extra hour or so. Does this mean you’re feeling a bit happier about school?’ I said that we’d need to wait and see. I didn’t want to lie and tell her that things were getting better but I also didn’t want to worry her.

It was a gorgeous day so it would have been rude not to get home and take Reggie on an adventure. It’s not like we had any exciting social plans! We set off to a local park that Mum had been told about by someone at work. At least she had found someone to talk to!

The park was brilliant as it had a little lake that Reggie could swim in. It was the first time we had seen him in water and it was very entertaining. He didn’t seem to understand that coming out onto the grassy area and shaking all seven stone of waterlogged pooch wasn’t going to win us any friends though. He did completely drench a small child and Mum told me off for laughing! The parent wasn’t impressed and the kid wouldn’t stop crying. Mum told Reggie off too, but he clearly had no idea what he’d done wrong as he did exactly the same thing again two minutes later! In an attempt to prevent any more small children getting soaked we headed into the dry part of the park!

I was still laughing when we were greeted by a very cute Labrador. Reggie was ecstatic that he’d found a friend and they proceeded to chase each other around the park. We were really pleased as this was by far the best way to tire him out! We found out that the Labrador was called Bailey when his owner came running up apologising that he was chasing Reggie. We very quickly explained that this was not a problem and it was really nice for Reggie to play! Bailey’s owner seemed relieved that she wasn’t the only one with a naughty pooch as we told her about Reggie’s water related incidents. She introduced herself as Jenny and said that she had a daughter, Katie.

We introduced ourselves and Mum launched into the prepared speech. ‘We’re new to the area as I was offered a job up here that was too good to pass up so poor Danielle has had to
move schools too. We’re living on the new development near the school, which is nice, but very quiet compared to what we were used to.’ She was flawless. I nodded along and smiled in the right places as it turned out that I went to the same school as her daughter and we were in the same year.

Jenny seemed really nice and said she wished her daughter would join her on walks with Bailey. Mum was in full flow and they were talking for ages while I wandered off and entertained myself with the dogs. Reggie was in his element and it was so nice to see him playing. I looked over at Mum talking so easily to Jenny that I couldn’t help feeling a bit jealous.

On the way home, Mum said that it was really nice to just talk to someone about normal things. She said that Jenny and Katie also lived on their own and she had a similar background with Katie’s Dad. I didn’t understand how Mum could just talk so easily about something so personal! The fear started to rise and Mum must have known what I was thinking. She assured me that would never tell anyone what had happened without my permission. The speed with which the fear rose in me really took me by surprise, but I knew that Mum would never say anything. Maybe it was just nice that there are other people out there in a similar situation to us! There’s hope yet that we can make friends and build a life here. I could see that meeting Jenny had really given Mum a boost. It has to be my turn next! For now though, it’s back to reality and time to get ready for school tomorrow.

Today did not go quite as well as I had hoped.

When I talked to Mum about decided to sign up for the sports teams trials I had a real hope that it would be the start of something positive for me. In my old school I was on all of the teams and, looking back, I think I took it for granted. I didn’t just love the sport, I loved being around people and having a good time in the process. We did have a lot of fun and even though I did quite a lot of moaning about training in the cold or the rain, we always found something to laugh about. I was the reason for a lot of the laughter in hockey as I was very good at sprinting and then falling over as I went for the ball, I would quite often manage to find the muddiest part of the field to do this in, and end up looking like I’d had some sort of weird mud massage just without the posh spa. While I was walking to the sports building I couldn’t help smiling to myself thinking that maybe this would be the turning point.

That optimism was short lived! The guys were on one side of the room fighting to get their names on the sign-up sheet and making more noise than necessary just to write their names on a piece of paper. It was as if this was the test in itself. The first people to get their names on the board would be picked! If it was that simple I’d have got here earlier! Looking over to the other side of the room I could see a gaggle of girls doing much the same thing.

I wandered towards the back of the gaggle and waited. I couldn’t see the point in trying to push my way to the front and hoped that eventually they would start to move away. I knew that I had to sign up before the end of the lunch break so if the bell went for class I could just come back later. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I’d missed something though. What was the gaggle about and why the desperate urge to sign up?

As I hung back I could hear what they were saying. They were talking about the PE teachers. I haven’t met any of the PE teachers but apparently,

‘Miss King is all right.’

‘Mr Bray is a perv.’

‘Mr Jacks is gorgeous.’

‘Miss Jones is a lezzer.’

GREAT!

It’s not that I’m a huge fan of teachers, but I do know what it is like to be talked about. It just made me a bit uncomfortable, so maybe I am growing up after all. I certainly can’t take the moral high ground and say that I’ve never talked about a teacher. We were always hearing gossip about teachers in my old school, in fact with the names changed I’m sure we had the exact same conversations. It just sounded different today. Unnecessary and cruel.

I think that I was talked about a lot at school. I don’t know for sure but I am almost certain that if this had happened to someone else, I would have been talking about it. I still wonder about what people would have said, but I try not to dwell on it or it drives me insane. I think that I would have felt sorry for the person it had happened to. I would like to think that I would have been concerned about them, but I’m not sure I would have known what to say. Yet, when I think of other people feeling sorry for me it makes me uncomfortable. Especially when those people don’t know me and don’t really know what happened or how I feel. I do, however, wish that more people had just talked to me. Not about what happened or anything like that but just talked normally to me like they did before. I wish that would happen now too though! I’m being ignored here for different reasons but it’s a similar feeling of isolation and it’s no fun at all.

Hearing what the gaggle of girls were saying about the teachers made me wonder if I really did want to get back into doing things at school. I don’t want to be the person that talks
about people I don’t know. I don’t want to make anyone feel the way that I felt.

There was a level of aggression in their voices when they talked about Mr Bray and Miss Jones. It was horrible to hear. From what they were saying, it turns out the Miss Jones is the hockey coach and they were making jokes about the people who’d signed up for the hockey trials. As far as the gaggle were concerned, they all just wanted to spend time with Miss Jones or vice-versa. I’m writing the polite version here too! They were talking about the people who had signed up already and listing other girls who they thought would sign up. I think they even added a couple of names for their own entertainment. On the plus side, I hoped that meant none of these girls wanted to play hockey!

I actually considered not signing up. I was ready to walk away and had come up with all the reasons (excuses!) I needed. These included needing to concentrate on catching up on work, passing my exams, walking Reggie and even time to spend with friends! The irony! It did hit me at that moment that without signing up I am reducing my chances of making any friends, so I changed my mind back again. I waited as the gaggle started to move away from the board and I signed up for the hockey trials. They didn’t even notice I was there which was a blessing as they also didn’t comment on the fact I’d signed up for hockey!

I am in the hockey trials.

I know that it’s not much to be excited about as I’m sure that everyone on that list has been accepted for the trials, but I’m still excited that there’s something to break up the monotony of school. I’m doing okay, getting my work done and not getting any hassle, but there has to be more to school life than this. I know that there is more to school life than this; I just need to figure out how to get it.

I took Reggie out into the garden for some hockey practice last night. He was no help at all as he kept running off with the ball and trying to bite the stick! It kept Mum and me entertained though and Mum even grabbed my old stick and tried to tackle me. Apparently she was quite a good player when she was at school, hmmm…I’m not so sure! Still, I feel like I can at least remember how to hit the ball; I just know that I’m nowhere near as fit as I used to be. With Reggie’s help I’ll be amazing at tackling by next week. Keeping the ball away from his mouth is great training.

I had to go back to the dreaded board to find out if I’d been picked for the trials or not. The gaggle of girls were there again, but this time they were much quieter. They’re not quite so brave in sharing their opinions when they are surrounded by all the hockey players that they were happily badmouthing the other day! That made me smile, I was really intimidated by them before and now I’m not sure what I was scared of. There were so many people there all checking whether or not they had been given a spot in the trials for their chosen sport. Everyone just wanted to see if their name was on that board.

There was one strange moment. I heard my name mentioned and my blood ran cold. I thought that someone was talking about me and I strained my ears to hear more. It was only someone
asking who I was! There were a couple of girls at the front looking at the hockey list and they didn’t recognise my name. All they said was,

Random girl A: ‘Who’s Dani Moore, I don’t know anyone called Dani Moore?’

Random girl B: ‘No idea…Maybe she’s one of the new girls that started this year?

Random girl A: ‘Oh yeah, could be. I wonder if she’s any good!

That was it. I suppose I could have just gone up to them and said ‘hi’ and told them I was Dani. That would probably have been easier than panicking and straining to listen. It was a positive and pain free mention of my name. What a relief.

Trials aren’t until next week so I have some more time to practise the basic skills in the garden. It’s not ideal training ground, but it’s better than nothing. Reggie had better tackling skills than Mum, but I won’t mention that to her! When I think about the trials I feel quite scared; my stomach starts its gymnastics routine, but I’m not completely sure what I’m scared of. I have a cycle of questions going around my head: What if I don’t make the team? What if I do make the team? What if I’m rubbish at hockey here? What if I fall flat on my face? I have a feeling that if I do fall flat on my face the girls here won’t find it quite as funny as my old friends did. What if the gaggle of girls are all trying out for hockey despite what they said? There are so many things that scare me about this. It’s just hockey! When I try and be logical I know that it’s just a game of hockey. I have all the kit I need, I know the rules, have played lots of times before and more often than not, I enjoyed it. I have to tell myself that approximately 500 times a day.

I’ve certainly survived worse than a game of hockey so really, there’s nothing to worry about. Really, there’s not. If only I could be this logical all of the time. I seem to have days where I feel invincible and then days where I just feel terrified. I am stronger
than I thought though. If someone had told me a couple of years ago that I’d be here now, having experienced the rape, the court case, moving house and moving school, and all I was worried about was a game of hockey, it wouldn’t have made any sense at all! What’s the worst that can happen? Ha ha…My friends and I used to jokingly ask each other that question a lot. They stopped asking me after I was raped. But what’s the worst that can happen now? If I don’t make the team then at least I know I tried. If I do make the team it’ll be a chance to make some friends. I know that I’m not rubbish at hockey; I just have to play to the best of my ability and show them what I can do. So what if I fall over, at least I’ll be putting in 100 per cent effort. If the gaggle of girls are in the trials too then it will just be funny as they won’t have any idea that I heard what they were saying. There. All I need to do now is remember the logical answers to the questions going around my head.

There’s a lot to do before the dreaded trials though…I shouldn’t call them that really as that’s not helping! There’s a lot to do before THE TRIALS! That’s better! Top of the list is the homework that I’ve been avoiding while writing this!

I feel totally ashamed of myself and that’s a pretty horrible feeling. I know that I could have acted differently too, I know that I could have made a difference, but I just didn’t have the courage to do something about it. I know that I’m better than that. I know that I’m not a coward. That’s why I feel so ashamed.