Reggie & Me (10 page)

What I didn’t realise was that I’d have to make that decision time and time again. It’s not like you can wave a magic wand and say, ‘Today I am taking responsibility’ then everything is okay. I really wish it was that easy. Almost every day I needed to say that; sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. All that mattered was that I got into the habit of trying to take responsibility for the way I reacted to things every day. I feel like I have to make that decision every minute of every day at the moment. It’s not just the stuff that happens to you that you need to respond positively to. It’s also the stuff that’s going on in your head!

I’m not doing a very good job of it at the moment. I have been hiding away, avoiding everything and everyone. I’m not sure I’ve even spoken to anyone other than Mum in the last two weeks and that’s pretty sad. Apart from answering ‘yes’ to registers and the occasional chat if I’ve been forced into group work in class I haven’t actually spoken to anyone. I had a text from Katie asking where I’d been and if I wanted to join them for lunch. They must think I’m really rude as I haven’t seen them since that one lunch break. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like me right now.

Mum told me this evening that’s she’s worried about how
quiet I’ve been around the house recently. I said that I was just stressed about the amount of work I had to do, that at some point soon I’d need to start thinking about sixth form and just that I was tired. She said that she’d take Reggie in the mornings if I wanted to get some extra sleep but I really didn’t want her to do that. For a start, it would mean her getting up even earlier than she does already as she has to be at work for eight. It would also take away the one thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. She asked if she could help with any of my homework, but unless she wanted to start writing essays for me there’s not much she can do. I know that she’s only trying her best but it really is only me who can sort this out.

It’s like I’m letting the whole hockey experience stop me from making any friends at all. Seeing that girl getting bullied hasn’t helped either I don’t think. Why should those girls stop me having friends? To be fair, they haven’t stopped me. It’s only me stopping me and that’s just stupid. They’ve made it perfectly clear that they don’t want to include me in their world, but it doesn’t mean that nobody wants to include me. I’ve made it impossible for anyone to include me in anything. It’s not like some random person is going to come knocking on the toilet door begging me to be their friend! If they did, I think it would be okay to be frightened of that!

Looking back over the last few weeks things have started to get even worse since I shut myself away. I started to feel isolated and lonely because I isolated myself. That seems pretty silly when you think about it. The best thing that happened at school was having lunch with Katie, Maya and Callie. So, when I made an effort, things got better. Since I stopped making an effort, things have got worse. Maybe it is simpler than I thought. Meeting Katie was the best thing that happened to me and she made an effort to make me feel welcome. I haven’t really taken her up on the offer properly, so tomorrow I will text her and ask her if she would be okay with me having lunch with them again.
As it’s been a while since I heard from her I don’t want to just assume. I really hope she says ‘yes’ though or I really will be back to square one but worse. Now I am worried about it. What if they say ‘no’?

I won’t be able to sleep now because I’ll be worrying about it. Sod it, I’ll text her now!

‘Hey, r u ok if I join u all 4 lunch tomo? X’

What if she doesn’t reply? What if she thinks I’m a complete idiot for asking about lunch when it’s a whole day away? They probably do just think I’m a bitch who couldn’t care less about people. I do care though! I just haven’t really been showing it!

SHE REPLIED! She just said, ‘Sure, bring a pic of R 4 Callie x.’

How easy was that? Now I will be able to sleep and at least I know that tomorrow won’t be too bad at school because I have lunch to look forward to. Maybe they don’t think I’m a bitch after all? I bet she has absolutely no idea how much that message meant to me. I just replied saying, ‘Thanx, will do x,’ and now I need to find a couple of good pictures of Reggie. That should keep me occupied for a while!

If this had happened last week I think it would have pushed me over the edge. I feel stronger today. True to their word, Katie, Maya and Callie were okay with me having lunch with them again today. Callie has said that she’ll do a picture of Reggie based on the photos I gave her. I couldn’t pick just one so she’s got plenty to choose from!

Maya wasn’t so quiet today. ‘I only joined this school a year ago,’ she said, ‘so I know it’s pretty horrible. I don’t envy you as I guess it’s even worse when we’re half way through all the exam stuff. I found it hard enough and I haven’t had to do all the work in one year. I lost touch with most of the people from my old school because stuff just gets in the way. It’s not the same when you’re all in different parts of the country. I’m grateful for these two or I’d still be on my own having lunch and playing on my phone.’

That gave me the opportunity to say that I was sorry I hadn’t been around for a while but I’d had the hockey trials and then was catching up with work. It was a lie but at least I had apologised! They didn’t mind and when I said that I didn’t make it onto the team, apparently I should be relieved. I didn’t dare ask what they meant as I had a feeling it wouldn’t help with my fear! I just smiled and agreed with them.

Maya was on a role with her story of moving. ‘I moved for the same reasons as you but it was a lot more traumatic.’ If only she knew. Katie had told her that we’d moved for my mum’s job so she’d had the cover story. ‘We moved because my mum had got a new job too, but the only reason she went for that job in the first place was because she’d hooked up with this guy on the internet. She packed me and my brother up, left my dad and we all moved in with this random guy.’

That did sound quite traumatic to be honest and I suddenly
felt very grateful that Mum hadn’t tried to move a man into our house. I tried not to look too shocked and asked ‘are you happy up here’?

‘He’s okay to be fair and Mum seems happy, but I do miss my old life sometimes.’

We shared a moment of understanding that didn’t need words. We just looked at each other and I nodded in agreement. Katie broke the silence by announcing how lucky we both were to have met her! I can’t disagree with that.

So lunch was great and I am so pleased that I sent that text last night. From then on the afternoon got worse and I actually ran home. Not only did I have a horrible afternoon, I realised how unfit I was too. As I was leaving the main hall after lunch I stopped to try and find my timetable as I had totally forgotten what room I needed to go to. Because Katie, Maya and Callie are in different classes I couldn’t follow them. As I was checking the timetable I heard a voice say, ‘She must be desperate if she’s having lunch with them.

I looked up and there was the hockey girl that had tripped me up. She had a small group of girls with her and I recognised most of them from the trials day even though I’ve been trying to block it out. She just looked straight at me and I didn’t know what she was going to do next. I was frozen to the spot and didn’t know what to do. I knew that I needed to get out of the main hall so I put my timetable back in my bag and hoped that she wouldn’t see my hand shaking.

I went to walk away and as I did she just laughed. She said, ‘Girls like her aren’t welcome on my team.’ All the others laughed too and thankfully I got out of the main hall without any more comments.

What did she mean ‘girls like me?’ I was still shaking as I realised I had no idea where I was walking. I hadn’t actually looked at which class I had next and now I would be late. I just needed to get to the classroom. I was so scared that they would
find me and start saying stuff again. If I had been thinking logically then I would have guessed that they were already in their classroom as I was the only one standing in the playground at that point! I was grateful I couldn’t see them, quickly checked the timetable and ran to class. I have done way too much running today. It’s a good job I only played 20 minutes of hockey as any more might have killed me.

I apologised for being late and thankfully the teacher didn’t question me about it. I just took my seat and kept my head down. When the bell went I was checking every direction to see whether I could see them, but I made it to the next class without any trouble. At the end of the day I didn’t know what to do. There is only one exit so I had to go that way. I was terrified that I might see them. When I heard that bell I practically sprinted out of class, out of the building and through the exit. I ran home. I didn’t look back. I am sure they didn’t see me but what if they did? What did she mean by ‘girls like me’? I have never been so pleased to see Reggie. I wasn’t nervous taking him out for a walk, I knew that they wouldn’t be heading to the park as they had hockey practice and I’ve never seen them there before! I never feel nervous with Reggie by my side. But what did they mean by ‘girls like me’?

The little comments and digs have been going on for a few days now. It’s like I’m constantly waiting for something, but I’m not sure what. I know it’s not good though. They don’t do anything major. It’s just comments as I walk past. Most of the time I can’t make out what they’re saying. They just whisper to each other while they are looking at me. It’s such a horrible feeling and yet I have no idea what to do about it. I almost wish that I knew what they were saying so that I knew what I was dealing with. Yesterday I’m pretty sure I heard one of them say, ‘I wonder why she left her last school’ and that scared me. I don’t know if they could find out the truth, it wouldn’t be that hard if they wanted to find out badly enough. What if they are trying to find out and what would they do if they did find out?

The thing is, I’m dreading going to school. The ache in the pit of my stomach is almost permanent now. At home I spend as much time as possible with Reggie and concentrate on getting my homework done. I have spent a lot of time this week dissecting
Silas Marner
for my English homework and haven’t had the space in my brain to think about much else. Apparently there’s a moral edge to the way the story is concluded and I have been finding 1000 words to explain how. Mum and I are getting on well, which is helping too. We had a rule when we first moved here that Reggie wouldn’t be allowed in my room and that he’d learn that his space was downstairs. Every time she comes up to my room she overlooks the fact that Reggie is ‘helping’ with my homework! She never comes up empty handed either, tonight she brought a cuppa and some homemade banana cake, which is almost worth reading
Silas Marner
for. Apart from a half-hearted attempt to steal some cake, Reggie just lies there until it’s time for him to go back downstairs to his own bed.

I don’t feel unsafe at home; it’s not like I think that all the
hockey girls are going to show up at my front door. I just feel safer with Reggie with me! I think Mum’s just relieved I’m getting on with my homework and if having Reggie up here makes that happen then it’s a small price to pay. She sometimes makes little comments about needing to get the carpets cleaned but considering she has already spilt hair dye all over the bathroom carpet, Reggie should be the least of her carpet cleaning worries!

So, the evenings are okay. It’s when it’s time to go to bed that I start worrying about the next day. I plan the route around school, trying to work out where I could bump into them and figure out the best way to get to classes. Staying where there are lots of people has worked well so far. They can’t all get around me like they did in the hall that day. It’s a whisper as they walk past me. As I see them coming I can feel my heart beating faster and my hands go sweaty and cold. I keep saying to myself ‘just keep walking, just keep walking’ and it’s over in seconds. It feels like a lifetime. I dread leaving lessons and I dread walking around the school. I feel sick as I’m starting to know when I’ll have to walk past them.

Lunch breaks with Katie, Maya and Callie are brilliant but I hate leaving the main hall. I’ve started leaving a little bit early, telling them that I need the loo before my lesson. They probably think I have a weird stomach problem now! All of a sudden I’m disappearing off to the loo at the same time every day. I haven’t told them about what is happening because I didn’t want to tell them what was said when it all started. I don’t think they’d care that much but I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to stir anything up or making a drama out of nothing. I can’t stop thinking about it though. I still don’t know what they meant by ‘girls like me’ and I feel like I’ll never hear the end of it. I have found out the name of the girl who seems to be leading the little pack. I saw her with the captain’s arm band on after lunch yesterday, which means she’s Nina Devlin.

I have no idea why she has decided that I’m worthy of all this
attention. She must be really bored. I don’t know what I have done to make her hate me this much. She doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know anything about me other than I wanted to play hockey. So that means it can’t really be about me! If it’s not about me then it must be about her. I wonder why she is so full of anger and hate. It’s easy to think all this when I’m safely at home with my canine protector. It’s not so easy when I’m at school trying to negotiate my way around the building like a secret agent who mustn’t be spotted by the enemy. I think I’ve been watching too much TV!

I thought that I’d finished with having to overcome crappy times. I honestly thought that the worst thing that could ever happen had happened so surely everything else would be plain sailing. I don’t know why these things are happening to me. I don’t think I deserve it but I don’t think anyone deserves it. It seems that life isn’t that logical and sometimes crappy things can just happen. I didn’t think there’s be this many crappy things though! I know that if I can survive the rape then I can survive anything. I have survived so that makes me feel stronger. I just wish it wasn’t about surviving any more. I wish it was just about having fun, enjoying life and being a ‘normal’ teenager. Whatever that is!