Reggie & Me (19 page)

I remembered that lesson; everyone giving their opinions and talking about the reasons why a woman might choose to have an abortion. They were talking about rape as the obvious reason why a woman might choose to have an abortion. I then had to sit and write about it in an exam.

I took a deep breath and looked around. Most people were scribbling away. It was just another question to them, just another opinion that they would try and make sound smart to pick up extra marks. Nobody could see how hard this as for me. As I looked up, I realised that I might not be the only one finding this hard. Nina was taking this exam too. There could be other people who were struggling. I had no idea.

I had the bracelet on that Jane gave me, my happy trigger. I looked at the letter ‘B’ and remembered that Jane believed in me. All I had to do was answer the question and move on to the next one. I asked myself,
If I was Callie or Maya, what would I think?
I started writing the answer as if I was one of them. There wasn’t anything personal about it at all. As soon as I started doing that I could think of lots of other reasons why a woman might choose to have an abortion and all the reasons why some people might disagree. Once I started writing it was easier to just get it over and done with and move on to the next question.

I was so relieved when I turned the page and there was a picture of The Star of David! I had revised that and happily started a brain dump on everything I knew about Judaism! I could not get out of that exam hall quickly enough once it had finished. I saw Nina as I was leaving and she asked me if I was okay! I was more shocked than anything and I was also shocked that when I said ‘yes’, it was the truth. I really was okay.

Part of me feels like I shouldn’t feel okay if that makes sense! If I sit and think about it for long enough I could make myself feel really crap but I’m okay, I did the best I could and I’m about to get ready for Taekwondo!

This is why I’m working so hard…so I can achieve something!

My goals:

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

Mum had a call from Angie this morning saying that Amie had been rushed into hospital this morning because she tried to kill herself. I thought she was doing okay. Obviously not.

Mum didn’t want to tell me because of the exams and she was worried that it might really upset me. And it has. Luckily she’s recovering and Mum told me once she knew that Amie would be okay. Part of me doesn’t blame Amie. I know how awful it is to start with when you really don’t know how you’re going to get through it. I wouldn’t blame anyone for wondering if it was worth it. I often thought that it might be easier if I just wasn’t around anymore. I have thought that since being here too thanks to Nina and her gang. I still wish none of it had happened but I am so glad I am here and there is so much going on in my life that I wouldn’t ever want to change.

I know that Amie won’t be able to see that yet. I wish I knew what to say to make a difference. I wish I could do something to show her that it really will be okay if she stays strong. Looking back though, I’m not sure I would have believed it. I had to figure it out for myself. I had a lot of help from Jane and from Mum but something in my own head had to want it to get better. It wasn’t going to get better just because other people said it would. Maybe that’s what I should write in a book! It would be a very short book!

It’s horrible to think of Amie in hospital. At least she’s safe there and she can get help. Mum said that we can go and see her tomorrow. I’m not really in the mood to write any more but thinking about Amie has made me want to try and help people more. Maybe that’s linked to my goal of figuring out what I want to do with my life!

I have finished my last exam and I have stuck to my plan every day.

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

‘My life is over,’ Amie said as she fought back tears. ‘Totally destroyed.’

‘That’s not true,’ I said, reaching out to take her hand in my mind.

I was trying to explain to her that she had support, she had a loving family and that as hard as it was right now, she could get through it. Nothing I said made any difference. She said that she was sorry but she wasn’t as strong as me.

That was rubbish.

We’re both just human beings who have had something horrible happen to us. She is strong enough to figure this out, but I don’t know how to get her to see that. She just kept saying that she couldn’t deal with it. As we were about to leave she said that she was even too scared to leave the house. I remembered that feeling. I was terrified at the thought of leaving the house. I hadn’t felt that in a while. I asked her how she’d feel about coming out with me and Reggie! I had showed her pictures of him but she hadn’t met him before. I promised her that she would feel safe with Reggie! I knew that she liked dogs because she had talked about them before. Mum and Angie had overheard and said that they’d come too. We’d all be together. Amie didn’t look completely convinced but agreed to come. I don’t think Angie is going to let Amie out of her sight for ages, but I don’t blame her! We agreed that we’d bring Reggie over and pick them up on Saturday morning. Mum suggested that we go to a nice big Country Park about an hour away so we can have lunch and get away from the local area. I am looking forward to introducing Amie to Reggie. He’s made me feel safe again so I hope he can help her too. Now, I need to revise though or I’ll never achieve these goals!

If I wasn’t writing these down I probably wouldn’t be this focused!

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

Yesterday’s exam went well thankfully! I concentrated and wasn’t too distracted. It was a PE exam so it’s not like it took too much brainpower! I actually quite liked one of the questions as it was about intrinsic motivation. I know a lot about that now! Using your own feelings to motivate yourself isn’t always the easiest thing in the world to do but it feels bloody good when you do it.

Getting everything out of my head and into this journal has really helped too. I was telling Amie about it this morning. She couldn’t believe how much I write and that I still write down my goals and stuff!

We were out for ages today. We picked Amie and Angie up at about ten this morning. Nina was staying at home to revise and even though she’s polite to me now, I was still relieved that she wasn’t coming. We introduced Reggie to them both so that he wouldn’t bark as they got into ‘his’ car and Amie fell in love with him straight away. Angie laughed and said she could understand why we felt safe with him around! She was also very quick to tell Amie that she couldn’t have a dog! It was a really good day to be out as the sun was shining and the park wasn’t too busy. That was a bonus as we could let Reggie off the lead to run around.

I could see that Amie was nervous to begin with. She kept looking around and checking behind her. It didn’t take long for her to relax though and soon she was running after Reggie’s ball so she could throw it for him. She was laughing which made Mum and Angie stop in their tracks. Angie was holding back tears but trying not to let Amie see it. We sat outside with Reggie, had our lunch and it was really good fun. Nobody was talking about what had happened or about the hospital. We were just having a day out! We were mainly talking about Reggie and laughing about how embarrassing he can be. Amie thought that
Reggie had completely fallen in love with her and was a bit disappointed when she found he’d actually fallen in love with the ham sandwich she was eating! As soon as she’d finished eating he moved over to where Angie was sitting! Lunch lasted for ages and it was really nice to just forget about everything and have fun. I’m not sure that it would have been that easy to do if Reggie wasn’t there! He is such a great distraction and he always makes people happy. Well, most people!

After lunch we carried on walking around the park. Amie and I were ahead of Mum and Angie as we were throwing the ball for Reggie. I accidently threw it in the direction of another dog so Reggie went running off to say ‘hello’ like he does. We quickly followed and by the time we got there Reggie was licking the other dog’s face! He does that quite a lot too! The owner of the other dog was a young guy and obviously wasn’t happy that Reggie had come over! As I was about to apologise and call Reggie back, Amie laughed and said, ‘Look, they’re kissing!’

The guy snapped straight back and said, ‘Don’t be disgusting, they’re both boys…that’s so gay.’

Amy just snapped back, ‘So what’s wrong with that?’

I didn’t even notice that the guy had walked away. I was staring at Amie in awe. She looked at me like I had gone nuts and asked me what I was staring at! I told her that I’d been called names at school and had never had the guts to stand up to them. I said that it had stopped now and obviously I didn’t tell her that her sister was the ringleader! I told her that I was so impressed that she had just stood up to someone and hadn’t been afraid to do it.

She said that she hated it when someone said or did something that wasn’t fair, and said that she doesn’t care what that guy thinks of her because what he said was wrong. She then said that she was surprised I didn’t stand up to the bullies because I was the bravest person she knew.

Me? Brave? I don’t feel brave!

I remembered what that ex-pupil said to me a while ago. I looked at Amie and told her that if she could see bravery in me it was only because it was in her too. She had just proven it!

I could see that she was thinking about what I’d said. I know that she has a long way to go before she’s feeling properly happy again but I really think that today has made a difference to her. I know that Reggie has made a difference and it’s because of Reggie that she’s proven to herself how brave she can be. It feels amazing to be a part of that.

I wish that I had Amie’s courage. If I’d been on my own and that guy had said that about Reggie, I probably would just have apologised and tried to get Reggie away from his dog as soon as possible. She’s right though…who cares what people think? Especially when they’re wrong!

I told Amie that Jane had said writing a book would be a good idea! Amie said it would be amazing and she’d read it! I said to Amie that when she’s feeling ready, we could write one together. It’s a deal! We might make our millions and help other people at the same time!

I need to add writing the book to my list of goals!

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I had my last two exams today.

Finally.

I stuck to my plan and apart from the near miss in the RE exam, everything has gone well. I can’t believe it’s all over. I only have to go back to that place to get my results (not thinking about that yet!) and then I never have to go there again. The thing is, I’m not so bothered now and the thought of going back doesn’t scare me. I’m definitely ready for the next steps though, whatever they might be!

The best thing about today was that I went out to celebrate with Katie, Maya and Callie. We had been talking about it for ages, saying that we’d meet in town and go for pizza after the last exam. I thought the day would never come!

I raced home after that final paper was collected. I could not get out of that exam hall fast enough. I had an amazing sense of relief more than anything. I wasn’t worrying about whether I had done okay or what I could have done better, I was just so excited it was all finished. No more revision and no more 45 minute blocks of trying to concentrate. I am happy to say that I have done my best! Whatever happens now, I don’t have any regrets and that feels great.

I got home and Jane called; I swear she has a sixth sense! Congratulations on finishing the exams. What are you doing later?’ She seemed more excited than me that I was going out and celebrating. She’s coming to stay soon and I can’t wait to see her. Being able to show her that I really am okay and that everything that has happened this year has turned out okay is amazing. I know that she’s been really worried about me and to be able to say honestly that I’m happy will hopefully mean she worries a lot less! That goes for Mum too! Jane gets a double dose of worry because she talks to me and then gets Mum calling her to talk
about me too! She really does put up with a lot! She asked if I’d thought any more about what I want to do next…I know that I want to be like Jane! I want to help people and really understand the best way that I can help people. I told her that I wanted to be a psychologist like her! She told me that I could go one better and be a psychologist like ME! She said that I would be brilliant and that made me feel incredible…Dr Danielle has a nice ring to it! I am going to spend some time figuring out what I need to do next so that I can become a psychologist. More importantly today though, I am going to celebrate!