Reggie & Me (18 page)

I suppose she’s right, but I feel a bit selfish concentrating on that stuff when I know how hard it is for Amie. It’s not long until I go for my second belt and the exam countdown is getting closer too. I need to make sure that I pass or all of this has been for nothing. Then what would Amie think of me? I wouldn’t be a very good role model if I turned around and told her I didn’t get my belt and I’d failed my exams!

When we were over at Amie’s this evening, there was a reporter from the local press talking to Angie. She was being interviewed and Amie was upstairs as she didn’t want to hear what was being said. I thought that was a good decision! I came
down from Amie’s room to get us a drink and heard Angie say to the reporter, ‘My daughter’s life is ruined.’ It stopped me in my tracks. What if Amie had heard that? I am sure that right now, she’s convinced that her life is ruined but what if she heard her mum say that? I’m not saying that her life won’t be changed by this, or that things won’t be difficult…but ruined? Her life doesn’t have to be ruined. That’s a pretty scary message to be giving someone.

If I had heard that back when I was still wanting to stay under the duvet I’m not sure I’d ever have left my bed. What would have been the point? My life hasn’t been easy, but this year that hasn’t all been to do with the fact I’m a rape survivor. My life hasn’t been ruined either. Changed? Yes. Ruined? No.

If the rape hadn’t happened I’d still be at my old school, I’d probably still be quite naïve and worried about what to wear for parties more than anything else. I’d still be on the hockey team and I’d never have met Nina! That all sounds quite good! But…I wouldn’t have Reggie, I wouldn’t have started Taekwondo, I wouldn’t have met Katie, Maya and Callie, and I wouldn’t have been able to help Amie. I still would delete that day from my life if I could, but not everything that has happened since has been bad. Amie needs to know that this doesn’t mean her whole life is ruined.

Like Jane said, I still need to focus on the things I want to do. If I don’t work on these things then I’m ruining my own chances:

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I’m surprised that I’m not more affected by talking with Amie about stuff. I thought it might bring back loads of old feelings and memories. In a way, I think she’s helping me too. It feels good to be doing something good for someone else!

I got my second belt in Taekwondo.

I’m so pleased and now can’t wait to start working on the next one.

Every time I learn something new and especially when I pass my grading to get the belt I know I’m getting closer and closer to getting the black belt. I was really nervous before I left the house and felt like I hadn’t done enough. I’ve been concentrating on getting ready for the exams and spending a bit of time with Amie, so I was worried that I hadn’t put enough effort into training. I think that carrying on with training has helped with everything else though. Having that little bit of time just to think about something I want to do and work hard physically at the same time always makes me feel much better. It paid off yesterday and it was the best feeling ever to be told I had passed and to be presented with my new belt. I’d worked for it and I’d achieved something. That feels much better than just sitting in front of the TV and feeling sorry for myself like I was doing.

I think that if I wasn’t doing Taekwondo I’d be finding it difficult to help Amie. Sometimes when I talk with her it does bring back memories and feelings that I’ve worked hard to move on from. If I just came home and didn’t have anything else to concentrate on I think I’d be turning to the biscuits again. I have been tempted to miss training and just sit at home, but that’s when it’s even more important that I make the effort to get up and leave the house. It would be so easy to give up completely, but I’d be the only one losing out! That doesn’t sound like the best idea I’ve ever had!

Mum is still seeing Angie too. I think she’s feeling the same as me. She is pleased that she can try and offer a little bit of help but at the same time it’s hard when it brings back all the memories. We were talking the other day about the little happy triggers we
had. I still have mine and they still make me smile. We told Amie and Angie about them too and I realised that nobody was really talking to Nina. When we go over to their house, Nina usually stays in her room. I don’t mind that at all, but I guess it’s a pretty lonely time for her. I said to Amie that she could tell her sister about the happy triggers as it might help her too. Before I knew it, Amie had called Nina into the room with us and started telling her all about it. I had a horrible feeling that Nina would start laughing at the idea or would make a fool of me like she did at school. The fear started to rise in me and I was dreading Nina’s reaction. Nina just left the room and returned a couple of minutes later carrying a wooden box about the size of a shoebox. She said that she already had happy triggers and said we could look inside. Amie opened it carefully and found pictures of her and Nina. There was the first picture of them together soon after Amie had been born right though to a photo that had been taken just days before Amie was attacked. There were little pictures that Amie had drawn as a young child and a bracelet that she had made for Nina years ago.

Nina said that her memory box was something she looked at to remember the good times and she knew that there would be good times again. I couldn’t believe someone who had been such a bitch could be so lovely! I did my best not to look shocked and agreed with her that there would definitely be good times again. It was nice to be able to say that and really believe it.

I was telling Jane about what happened and said that I really didn’t mind that people knew about what happened to me now. It had gone from being my biggest fear to something that really didn’t matter. I was pleased I could help someone else and that felt more important. Jane asked me how I could carry on feeling like that as she said there are hundreds more Amies out there who would love to know that things really can get better. She said it’s not just about Amie either but there are loads of people being bullied, moving house and having so many other things to
deal with that it might feel good to help them too. I laughed saying that I don’t have any more time in the day to talk to more people! She asked me what I could do to help them and I jokingly said I could write a book. Jane didn’t think it was a joke and thought it was a great idea. How crazy is that? I’m just a kid! I can’t write an essay without getting bored so I can’t write a book!

This is what I am going to do though! I’ve reached the goal to get my second belt ahead of schedule so it’s time for number three!

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

I spent yesterday revising but I can’t really remember anything I read about. I was just reading and then worrying about the exams. That meant that nothing was really sticking in my brain. I couldn’t decide what to revise so was reading bits of everything in the hope that something would stick. I can’t keep doing that as it’s never going to work and I really want to do well. I need a plan. That’s how we do it in Taekwondo. We have little things to learn each time, we keep going over it until we know it inside out and then when we put it all together it looks brilliant. That’s what I need to do here. I need to make sure I’m concentrating on a little bit at a time and I need to make sure it is all in my head in time for the exam.

I have spent the last two hours drawing out a complete plan of how I am going to revise for each exam, fit in training, walk Reggie and see Amie. I also have a study day booked with Katie, Maya and Callie, but I’m not sure we’ll actually get much work done.

The plan is brilliant. It’s on a massive piece of paper, its colour coded and all the exams are written in too. I’ve planned out my revision in order of the exams that are coming up and I’m never studying for more than 45 minutes without a break as I know I’d go insane if I tried that. I’ve actually got more time than I thought and that includes doing all the other things I want to do. I just need to stop thinking of study leave as ‘free’ time!

I put the most important things into the plan first – walking Reggie and Taekwondo. Then I put the exams in as they can’t be moved. It didn’t look quite as bad when I actually wrote them on the plan as I could see how spaced out they were and that I had days free in-between them. When I was just looking at them on the list the school had printed out for me it looked really scary! So, I filled in the subjects I was going to revise each day to fit in
with the exams and put my break times in too. I still had time to see Amie and to chill out in the evenings with Mum on the nights I’m not going to Taekwondo. It was quite easy to sort out what I needed to do and when I needed to do it when I just sat down and drew it out. It looks good too as Reggie and Taekwondo have their own colours and then each exam is colour coded with the revision sessions in the same colour! Maybe I should have taken art instead of PE?!

I actually do think that it has been a good use of time even though I probably could have been revising in those two hours! If I stick to the plan then I know that I can walk into every exam feeling prepared. All I need to do now is actually stick to the plan! I’ll add it to the list of goals!

I’m not seeing Amie today and it’s quite nice to have a day just to focus on my own stuff. I keep getting the comment about writing a book popping into my head too! It would be so cool to see a book that I’d written on the shelf in a bookshop, but I have no idea how I could do that! How would I even start and what would I write?! I’d love to be able to help loads of people but I still think its way out of my league!

According to my plan for the day it’s nearly lunchtime so I can definitely stick to that! Then I can get stuck in to some exciting Geography revision! It seems so much easier knowing that I only have to do 45 minutes at a time and I know exactly what I’m looking at in that time! I wouldn’t say I’m looking forward to it as who would get excited about plate tectonics but very soon I will never have to think about geography again!

I have an extra goal now for the next few weeks:

The successes I have had today:

The things I am grateful for today:

Today was the first day of exams.

Two in one day.

Geography first and then RE, that was never going to be fun, was it?! Mum said she’d take Reggie this morning so I could have more time but I didn’t want her to. Going out with Reggie is the best way to start the day. When we got home she had prepared an energy filled breakfast to help me through the morning, and a packed lunch that would apparently keep me full of energy all through the afternoon! If only they also contained the questions and the answers.

When the doors opened to the exam hall, everyone went quiet and then filed in. We were told where to sit and before I could find my favourite pen the exam paper was dropped onto my desk and the clock had started ticking. Literally. It was really annoying! Geography went okay I think. It wasn’t that hard and luckily I had revised almost all of the topics that came up. I had a go at answering all of the questions and felt quite pleased with myself as I had finished about two minutes before we were told to put our pens down. I walked out of the exam hall hoping that all the exams would be like that!

‘Mum, that NRG brekki worked. My tum didn’t rumble. Yay! X.’

I settled down in the corner of the sports field to eat my lunch and read through my RE revision notes. I wasn’t feeling that nervous as I’d stuck to my plan and all I really did in RE was listen to other people rant on about their opinions and argue over what they thought was right and wrong! The best thing about RE was that our teacher would sometimes use motivational videos, usually about sport, to show how people could overcome barriers in their lives. I loved those! Not sure they’ll help me right now though!

I was back in the exam hall and this time had my favourite pen in hand. I still use the red ones that Jane gave me when I was told I couldn’t wear my bracelet. Nobody had noticed that I’d been wearing it since Christmas. The first question was nice and easy about Christianity and the Sacraments. I had revised that and I felt like I was on a roll! I turned the page and there was a question I had not prepared for.

‘Abortion is right in certain circumstances’.