Red Sun (48 page)

I nodded again.

“What Jolon did was wrong.  I’m not making light of it.  He wasn’t raised to carry on like this.  But…I know him.  I know him well, and for him to have crossed his own brother…..well…..that must be some kind of love he’s got for you.”

When he finished speaking, he looked straight ahead, still deep in thought.  So was I.  While I wasn’t sure how Mrs. Cordero felt about me at this point, I was positive that Big John at least didn’t hate me.  He may have even understood me a little.  Perhaps over time she would too. 

With a grunt, he stood from his chair and stretched.  “I wouldn’t stand around here waiting for them, hun.  They might not be back anytime soon.”  He paused.  “And if they are…..you might not want to be around for that anyway.”  He turned the corner and a few seconds later I heard the door to his bedroom close and I imagined he was trying to comfort his wife after the breakdown.  Must be nice.  I was left standing there in the dining room alone, waiting for some sort of direction from this point.  I wasn’t sure what to do.  Part of me considered calling my father to come get me, but he’d have too many questions and I wouldn’t be able to lie my way out of all of them. 

Eventually, I got tired of waiting and took Big John’s advice. 
I closed the door to the guestroom and lay there across the bed in the dark.  A good three hours passed and there wasn’t a sound all throughout the house which meant that the guys hadn’t come back yet.  Wasn’t that a bad sign?  I mean, if they were in fact together wasn’t there a chance that they could fight and hurt one another?  Just as I started to panic, I heard a commotion – a loud bang and then the sound of someone collapsing in the front hall.  The door to Liz and Big John’s room flew open and I stood with my ear to the door to listen from where I was.

“What the…..” John’s voice called out.  “Are you drunk
, boy?”  There was a scuffling sound.  “Get him back to his feet and I’ll help you carry him to the couch.

“By the time I found him he was already passed out on the bar. 
Skitch was trying to find your number to have someone come get him when I showed up.”  I recognized Jolon’s voice above the groaning that had to be Elan.

“Is he ok?”  Liz asked, seemingly exasperated. 
“Why’s he sound like he’s in pain?”

“Calm down,
Lizzy.  Nothing’s wrong with him that a good night’s sleep won’t fix,” he assured her.  “That and about half a bottle of Aspirin once the headache kicks in in the morning.”  I heard him grunt, probably as he was helping Jolon stand Elan up.  “Lift with your legs, kid!”  He yelled.  “What’s he weigh – a good three hundred pounds?  Jeez!”  John exaggerated.

“Got him?”  Jolon asked.

“Yep.  Ready.”

There was another
heaving sound and the noise faded back toward the living room.  They were with Elan for about ten minutes and then they returned to the front hall where I could hear them more clearly.

“Was there any liquor left for anyone else?”  Big John asked
jokingly.  “He must’ve had a glass in each hand to be this far gone that fast.”

Jolon didn’t respond.
  I wondered what his expression was.  I pictured him standing there staring at nothing with a bewildered look on his face.

“
Lizzy,” Big John said evenly.

“I know, I know,” she said, sounding annoyed. 
“To the room.”

“Thanks, dear.  Be there in just a few,” he assured her.

Once I heard her door close, I heard Big John sigh loudly.  “Ok, what’s on your mind?  It’s just me and you.  Talk to me.”

There was a long enough pause that I honestly didn’t think Jolon was go
ing to respond.  “I messed up, Pop.  I really messed up.”

“Ah…..it’s not as bad as you think it is, son,” Big John assured him.  “Your brother’s just gonna need a little time.  That’s all.  You’ll see.  He’ll come around.”

Another pause.

“No…..not after this.  It’s not like I stole his bike or used his razor or something.  You don’t get it,” Jolon explained.  “I
knew
he loved her.  Even though he did what he did with Joanna, I know he
still
loves Solei.  That probably sounds stupid to say, but he does.  And I went after her anyway.  What does that say about me?”

I heard footsteps.  “Son, all that says about you is that you love this girl. 
Nothing more than that.  You’re not the bad guy, even though you probably feel that way right about now.  There
is
no bad guy.  Not in situations like this.  All you did was let your heart lead you instead of your head for once.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It wasn’t
like I just loved her from a distance though – that would’ve been bad enough.  But…..I let it go too far.”  Jolon paused.  “I should’ve never touched her. 
That’s
where I messed up.”

Messed up?  It hurt to hear him speak of our intimate moments in that way.

Big John sighed.  “Son, you’re a man – flesh and blood just like the rest of us.  Unfortunately, we all do stupid things sometimes when our flesh screams at us loud enough, but you slipped up once.  It happens.”

“Not once.  Twice,” Jolon admitted.

“Well…..twice.  Still not so bad.  You’re human, Jo.  We were hardwired to make mistakes, so don’t be so hard on yourself when you do.  Even though you feel like this particular thing is big – you and your brother can get through this.  It could take a while to make it up to him…..but you will.  I know you.”

Jolon was silent while he thought to himself.  “Make it up to him,” he repeated.  “But what if that takes more than I’m willing to give?”  He asked his father.

Big John took another big breath and let it out.  “Well…..son…..all I can say is, he’s your brother.  The only one you’ve got.  And long after me and your momma are dead and gone he’ll
still
be your brother.  So…..with that said….there shouldn’t be much of anything that you’re not willing to give if it means making things right between the two of you.”

I listened.  I waited.  But neither of them said another word.  I didn’t even hear them walk away.  There was only silence.  What did that mean?  What was it that Jolon
wasn’t willing to give to make things right with his brother?  Was he talking about giving
me
up?  Was that it?  Was everything we’d been through, everything we’d fought for, all in vain?  He promised me he’d never do this again, but it sounded like after tonight he was thinking about going back on his word.

I felt sick to my stomach.  All those old feelings were coming right back to the surface and I was frozen in shock.  I lay there for what must’ve been hours, never moving a muscle.  All I could think about was the fact that I was probably about to lose Jolon before I ever really g
ot to have him.  In so many ways, I deserved this.  But I couldn’t help but to feel like after this all blew up in my face tonight at dinner, I’d paid some of my dues and should be shown a little mercy.  Wouldn’t that seem fair?

I never ended up falling asleep.  I couldn’t.  Going to sleep would’ve solidified everything – made it all seem real and I couldn’t handle that.  The sun came up and I didn’t even move to blink.  All I could do was lie there.  Someone knocked.

“You up?”  Big John called out.

I tried to speak, but my throat was dry.  No sound came out at first.  I swallowed and
finally replied, “Yes,” hoarsely.

“Not rushing you, but we should really be on the road soon so we don’t get stuck in traffic.  Can you be ready in twenty minutes?”  He asked.

“Sure,” I replied, still not moving.  When he walked away, I felt my nerves kicking in at the thought of the awkward drive home.  This meant that it was time to face Elan and Jolon both at the same time.  What should I expect?  I eventually got my things together and set my bag by the bed.  Nothing I could think of was going to make this ride any better, so I took in a breath of air and sighed as I opened the door. 

The house was qu
iet aside from the low murmur of Big John and Liz talking in their bedroom.  I stood there in the hall waiting with my bag in hand.  I jumped when I heard someone coming down the hall.  It didn’t matter which brother it was – at this point I was uncomfortable seeing either of one of them.  When I realized it was Elan, I stiffened and quickly looked down at the ground.  He stopped midstride and stared.  I could smell the alcohol on him even from where I stood.  I imagined him drowning his sorrows in the deepest bottle he could find and then submerging them in two to three more just to make sure that they stayed gone – at least for the night.  What was the first thing he thought of this morning?  Was it how badly he wanted to hurt me the night before?  Was it disbelief that I’d been capable of something like this?  There were so many things that I couldn’t settle on just one.

He still hadn’t moved.  I began to feel a little threat
ened, but just then he continued on to the kitchen.  I could see him standing at the freezer, searching for something.  He came across a bag of frozen peas that he pressed to his head and then shut the freezer door.  I watched him discreetly as he walked back toward me, meeting my gaze with hatred still fresh in his eyes as he passed.  When he was gone, I finally breathed again.

I jumped when Big John came out
, surprisingly carrying a bag of his own.  When he saw the look of confusion on my face, he explained.  “Thought I’d stay with the boys a couple days.  You know…..to mediate if need be.”

I nodded, agreeing that that was a good idea. 

“Looks like you’re all set to go.  Let me take your suitcase and load it while we wait.”  I handed it over and folded my arms over my chest.  When he returned, I was standing at the door, more eager to leave than he expected judging by the look of surprise on his face.  He smiled reassuringly, but it was too late for that.  My nerves were already frazzled.

“You can go on and get in
, hun.  We’ll be out in a sec.”

I smiled at him and just about ran out the door.  I stood there, wondering which seat was best.  If I sat in the front with Big John where I felt most comfortable, the guys
would be in the back together which wasn’t good.  But if I sat in the back, I’d have to sit beside one of them and I wasn’t happy about that either.  It would be awkward beside Jolon not knowing what he was thinking at this point and also because it’d be insensitive to Elan.  It would be equally as uncomfortable beside Elan seeing as how he was not exactly happy with me right now.  I continued to stand there in the valley of decision.  Finally I decided to take one for the team and sat behind the driver’s seat.  It was the least selfish choice and I suppose it was the right one.

The front door flung open and the three men came out in a straight line. 
Elan, with his bag over his shoulder and a scowl on his face.  Big John with the calm and collected expression I expected.  And Jolon with a completely unreadable blank look that made me even more nervous.  Cautiously, I watched to see who was sitting where.  Jolon didn’t even consider sitting in the back, he immediately got in front beside his father.  That hurt.  Granted, it would’ve been awkward, but he didn’t even give it any thought which probably meant he’d done all the thinking he needed to do the night before.  I was taking note.

Elan opened the door to the back seat and stood there.  I didn’t look away quickly enough and got caught in his glare.  He didn’t move.  It looked like he was considering just staying behind if the only way to get home was sitting beside me. 

“Get in, boy.  We don’t have all day.  Freeway’s gonna get crowded before you know it.  So unless you plan on dusting off your skates and rolling solo, you’d better come on,” Big John called out.

Elan looked away, shaking his head and mumbling something to
himself as he climbed in.  The sound of the engine roaring to life was a welcomed addition to the otherwise silent atmosphere.  I sat there with my hands in my lap and my eyes fixed out the window while we drove.  Each mile that passed carried me closer to freedom from this torture.  It seemed to take twice as long to get to Ruthann’s than it did to get to Laurel Bay in the first place, but I was eternally grateful when I saw my small car in her driveway.

“Think this is your stop,”
Big John said cheerfully, almost as if nothing was amiss.  “Great having you out this weekend, hun.”

I smiled, unsure whether
to believe him or not.  “Thank you, sir.  I appreciate your hospitality.”  I climbed out of the car and then walked around to the back to grab my suitcase.  When I closed it, I had to pass right by Jolon’s door to get to the house.  I looked in to find him staring straight ahead, decidedly avoiding me.  I nodded to myself as I began to realize how this was going to go.  So, without another word I walked into Ruthann’s and didn’t bother looking back.  There was nothing to look back at.  In one weekend, I’d lost them both.  The brother’s I’d been warring with my own feelings about for months were no longer warring with their feelings about me.  They were done, which didn’t leave me any choice but to do the same.  I stood there in the front hall, just staring at the mirror in disbelief.  I’d lost him.  I could feel it.

“How was it?”  Ruthann greeted me with a smile. When she saw my face, her smile fade
d.  “What happened?”  She asked quickly moving in closer to console me.