Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (12 page)

A little wave of guilt washed over her. Could she abandon
the colleagues who invited her? She knew they’d understand and cheer her on.
“Maybe for a while?”

At her hesitation, he added, “I won’t bite.”

“I… ah… I suppose. Sure.” She tilted her head. “I’ll just
let them know. What table?”

“Thirty-one. Just there.” He pointed, standing close to
her so she could share his line of sight, and she inhaled deeply the fresh,
crisp masculine scent of his hair and skin, a hint of his citrusy cologne,
vaguely familiar, making her head spin. “I’ll be waiting.” He strolled slowly
away from her toward the table, and stood by his chair watching her across the
room.

She felt awkward explaining Simon to her friends,
especially since a couple of them had met Jay. “He’s just an old friend,” she
said, shaking her head, trying to convince herself as much as them. Several of
them turned to check him out, and then gave her approving mischievous glances
and nods. “I’ll catch you later.” She bent to retrieve her auction ticket.
Blushing, she gave a little wave to her colleagues, and turned back in his
direction.

The older lawyers at his table were bold and lewd. As
Simon introduced her to the partners from the firm where he’d articled years
ago, they stood, bowing and fawning over her like schoolboys. But she was more
than used to holding her own among professional men, even younger and more
aggressive ones. And their interest was more avuncular, in truth, than real.
One old guy had a face like a shriveled apple doll.

As dinner was served, Simon watched her silently. Her
efforts at conversation felt forced, and she squirmed under his gaze.
What is he doing?
They ate in
shy silence, she attempting small talk, and he staring and smiling, with heat
in his eyes.

As the dinner plates were being cleared, and the live
auction was wrapping up, he leaned toward her and whispered, “If I leave you
alone with these old lechers for a minute, will you manage?” She simply
laughed, and cocked an eyebrow. He sauntered away slowly.

Between bids and banter, the older men at her table
eventually turned their attentions away. It allowed her a chance to return to
her table of friends and chat awhile, though she had to rebuff their questions
about the mystery man. “We’re working together on a case, that’s all.” Simon’s
temporary absence also gave her a little space to contemplate the strange
evening, especially now that her was not staring at her so relentlessly.

She still was stunned to have found him here. But more
than that, his demeanor left her in a coil. He was behaving like a besotted
lover, staring at her and (
gasp
)
reciting poetry, inviting her to join him for dinner. But then, he just sat
there, aloof, observing her with that infuriating half-smile on his handsome
face and a question in his hooded eyes, barely saying two words together. She
imagined his busy brain brooding, questioning who she was, how she’d changed,
just as she was. She’d felt obliged to fill the silence with empty chatter, which
made her feel vapid and awkward. His attentions both warmed and worried her.
Is he still shy? Is he toying with me? What
on earth is he thinking about?
Her mind bounced to Jay again.
Why am I even thinking these thoughts?

Discretely, she kept one restless eye on his progress
across the room. He strode with a polished and confident air, and struck a
dashing figure in his black tuxedo, with his height, broad shoulders and
slender hips. He moved with elfin grace, the candlelight glinting off his
golden hair. She had assumed he went to the men’s room, but he stopped abruptly
and exchanged words with a stunning beauty in an elegant navy blue sheath. Her
gleaming chestnut hair streamed down her back like a racehorse’s mane, and she
had a sleek, sinewy model’s physique to match.

They made a striking couple. Standing close together—she
was almost as tall as Simon—their degree of intimacy was obvious from the
nearness of their faces and their steady eye contact. Kate’s forte was reading
non-verbal behavior and it was clear they knew each other well. Simon stood
rigidly with his back to her, arms at his sides, his hands clenched in fists,
but the woman’s expression was sultry and seductive, and Kate couldn’t help
wondering who she was, and what claim she had on Simon’s attention.

But
,
Kate caught herself,
what claim do
I have on it?
She was being ridiculous, just because of some
innocent flirtation and a little superficial flattery. It was dangerous to
entertain such thoughts. She fell instantly to imagining Simon as he was all
those years ago– when he was hers. Though then he was not so polished and
worldly, he was both romantic and passionate. Why did he make her feel such
strong emotions, when in truth she hardly knew him? She’d become enthralled by
him again, so easily. It was too easy to imagine herself the object of his
desire, too.

It frightened her to allow the thoughts playtime, and she
quelled them with ruthless reminders of how he’d rejected her, and how she’d
fallen to pieces. A shiver skittered over her bare skin, and she tugged at the
edges of her thin shawl. She couldn’t trust herself to judge her true feelings,
even though it felt wonderful to imagine that kind of infatuation and desire
overtaking her. Surely he was only playing, and meant nothing by his
flirtation. The room tilted as dizziness invaded her head, her stomach squeezed
and surged. She sat upright, stiffening, and closed her eyes, trying to breath
through it. It was best to put a stop to this before it went any further. She
would turn away both eyes and heart from his encounters with other women. It
was none of her business.

When she saw him returning to their table, she excused
herself and made her way back. But when he arrived, he was altered, and she
found she no longer had to withstand his heated regard. She tried not to care;
though he spoke no more or less than before, he was tense, fidgety, more
reserved, and looked not at her but at his utensils. He made desultory
conversation with the man to his right, ignoring her for long periods, as
dessert was laid before them, and coffee and tea served. What happened to him?
Abruptly, she felt cold and unwelcome.
I should say goodnight and rejoin my friends.

Kate’s appetite for sweets was gone, and although she
told herself she didn’t mind, she couldn’t help feeling dejected. She felt heat
in her head building. She missed his eyes on her, though they made her
tremulous and queasy, as if she were an amateur on stage, her lines forgotten.
After another empty exchange with the lawyer to her left ended, she could no
longer pretend she hadn’t notice Simon’s mood.

“You’ve gone quiet,” she observed.

There was a long pause as he sipped and set down his
teacup. “I often am.” Now he was curt. Not the charming romantic from an hour
earlier. He seemed to regret his harsh words, and relenting, said, “I bumped
into Sharon on my way back.” He pressed his three middle fingers to his creased
brow, rubbing with an abstracted air.

“Oh? She’s here too?” The conversation felt forced, with
long awkward pauses, and she was certain he would rather be anywhere than
sitting here with her. He must be embarrassed that Sharon would see them
together. “I can’t picture her at an event like this.”

“She’s actually quite civic-minded. She got me the
ticket, insisted I come,” he replied, glancing at her chin. His jaw was
working, dimpling as he clenched his teeth, thin-lipped.

Kate remembered their exchange on Tuesday. “You seem
upset. Did she say something?”

His eyes closed slowly and opened again, flicking
skyward. “Almost everything she says annoys me. It appears she’s figured out
that we…” he flicked a finger back and forth between them to indicate which
‘we’ he meant, “…were much more than acquaintances back in university. I hope
she doesn’t make trouble. I wouldn’t put it past her.”

“Ooh. Oh! I worried that we should have disclosed more.
Now what?” Kate pondered aloud, nibbling the inside of her cheek. This could
get sticky, especially if Sharon decided to press the issue publicly. “I mean…
not that anything–”

“Now? Nothing. We’ll be certain to give them nothing
further to talk about.” There was a cold distance in the tarn blue of his eyes,
a flatness she hadn’t encountered for a long, long time. It made her shudder to
remember that other side of him. He could be ruthless when enraged; as hard and
cold as a steel blade. The message was clear enough, though.

Nothing for
whom
to talk about? Her stomach clenched. “I wonder how she figured it out?” Kate
mused, poking indifferently at her mousse. She didn’t want those glacial eyes
aimed at her anymore.

He sneered. “Some women make it their business to poke
into other people’s concerns and use whatever they find out against them.
Sharon’s a pretty typical professional, clawing and scratching her way to the
top, stepping on people as she goes.” Simon’s jaw was set like granite, and his
eyes did not meet hers while he delivered his verdict.

She could hardly believe her ears. Where did that come
from? Kate felt a hard jolt of rage slam through her, and gripped her fork with
white knuckled fingers, pointing it at him. “Professional
woman
, I suppose you mean? I
can’t believe you would make such a blatantly sexist and petty comment. You
sound like a misogynist, when I know you’re not. Maybe it’s you who has issues
about competition in the workplace, not Sharon.”

He tongued his cheek and shot a wary glance at her
hostile fork, his nostrils flaring, and replied, “There’s truth in what I said
and you know it. It wasn’t my intention to offend you.”

“Too late, I’m afraid.” She glared at him for a long
moment, assessing, while her buzzing nerves made her tremble so hard she could
hardly draw breath. Her chest ached with tension. Inside she was in turmoil.
Perhaps he wasn’t the enlightened male she took him for, or that he pretended
to be. Maybe it was all an act, to get rid of her, so he could return to the
company of that goddess in the blue dress. Or maybe she’d only imagined his
charm and insight, dredged up from the years of fantasies she’d conjured. She
turned her head from side to side, gnawing her upper lip. Either way, she’d had
enough. Infuriating man. “I think I’ll head over and visit with my friends from
the hospital. Excuse me.” She stood up. “Good night.”

Alexa
scowled. “I’m worried about you
Kate.”

“I’m okay. Really. It’s just so weird. I don’t know what
to think.”

“You should have stayed away from him. It’s probably a
careless act he’s been perfecting for years to impress and snare women.” Alexa
concluded, stabbing a broccoli floret with venom.

“Well, it’s more in keeping with his hot and cold
behavior back… then,” Kate reassured herself. She crunched thoughtfully on a
mouthful of salad. Thankfully Alexa was here to share her tumult of conflicted
feelings after her disturbing encounter with Simon last night.

“He hasn’t changed, after all. He’s just more polished.
Maybe he’s not even conscious of flicking his charm on and off like a switch.”
Last night’s abrupt about-face was probably meant to dismiss her, or let her
know he was only playing with her, since he was obviously flirting with that
gorgeous redhead as well. “He seemed really embarrassed that Sharon found out
about us. I know I am.” Kate felt a painful knot twist in her stomach, and
suppressed a belch. She pushed aside a bright red tomato wedge, examining the
remains of her salad. “Are you sure this feta is okay?”

“Well, I wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt,”
Alexa said. “Men like that know exactly what they’re doing. I’ve known a few. I
wouldn’t trust him, or take his flirting seriously.” She stood to clear away
their plates and tossed them on the pile of unwashed dishes in her kitchen
sink. Turning, she pointed at Kate. “Which would be fine, if you weren’t so
vulnerable. Why wasn’t Jay with you, anyway?”

“Wouldn’t come.” Kate shook her head. “I wish I weren’t
so gullible.”

“It’s only because it’s
him
,
you know. If you had a thicker skin, and just wanted to play and move on, I
wouldn’t worry so much about you. It’s this naive obsession with happily ever
after that gets you in trouble.”

Alexa set two cups of steaming coffee in front of her and
sat down again.

“Maybe.” It was a relief to finally peg him and move on
with a clear head and a calm heart. But she didn’t feel calm. “Still, there was
no reason for him to become so nasty last night. We have to work together,
after all, and it seems less than politic to offend me.” Something didn’t fit.

“It would be easier for you to work if he weren’t there
at all. You need to forget about guys and focus on your career.” Their eyes
met, Alexa’s criticism implicit. “So why wouldn’t Jay go with you?”

Kate rolled her gaze to the ceiling. “Because I couldn’t
give him an answer, and he’s miffed with me.”

“And why is that?”

Kate shrugged. She took a sip of coffee and cringed at
the bitter taste. “Don’t know. Not ready, I guess.”

“Why aren’t you ready? You were expecting him to propose.
You told me so. Why can’t you decide?”

Kate slumped in her chair. “I’m not sure it’s the right
thing. It feels like settling.”

“Well, you said that, too. But it’s what you want.
Stability. Security. A family.”

“But… something’s missing. I just don’t have strong
enough feelings about Jay.”

“As opposed to Simon.”

Kate looked up.

Alexa had correctly deduced that Kate was flattered and
disconcerted by Simon’s attention last night, and was worried that it would go
to her head. Kate had not let on how deeply disturbed she was, neither by the
flirtation, nor by his sudden indifference.

“He does shake me up.”

She told herself it didn’t matter, but his words had hurt
her. Again.

We’ll be
certain to give them nothing further to talk about.

Well, what did she expect? Just because she still went
weak in the knees at the sight of him, didn’t mean he was eager to jump back
into a relationship with her. It ripped her apart, exposing raw wounds she had
thought long healed, and undermined her confidence as nothing had in years. The
feeling of betrayal was too familiar. She didn’t know herself, she was so
confused; desire, anxiety, anger and insecurity mixing in a toxic brew despite
her rationalizations.

Alexa said nothing, just sat drinking her coffee and
gazing thoughtfully at Kate.

“I know it’s irrational! And it’s probably unfair to Jay.
I feel horrible. It’s not his fault. But shouldn’t I have strong feelings for
the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with?”

~*~

A
walk on the beach was just the
thing to sooth Kate and help her think. Last night’s drizzle had left
everything glistening with wet, but the sky had cleared, and she looked forward
to some time outdoors in the fresh washed air. She cut diagonally across the
waterfront park toward Kits beach. As she walked, the spring returned to her
step. Maybe she would even continue on to Granville Island so she could pick up
some groceries from the farmers’ market and take a water taxi home.

Autumn in Vancouver was never what it was out east where
cold dry weather provided spectacular colour. But still, there were moments,
and being by the water on a cool, sunny day was a treat she wouldn’t have
traded for anything. Though the leaves on the maples and elms in the park were
a subdued mix of russet, green-gold and brown, and the trampled wet grass was
slick with rotten fuscous leaves, the afternoon sun glinted off the water in
English Bay and the indigo North Shore mountains rose above the water.
Everything shimmered, the blue and green vivid and alive. She had a great life,
she concluded, her spirits lifting. She had her health, work she loved, a
beautiful home, good friends and supportive family. What more could anyone want
out of life? If she chose it, she could even have marriage and a family. She
could still have it all.

Jay had sent over some roses this morning with a sweet
note:
I’m sorry. That was the most unromantic proposal in history. I take it
back. I can do better. I felt you slipping away and I panicked. I love you.
Was
that really a retraction? Was he having second thoughts? Even though she didn’t
feel what she knew she ought for him right now, he was very sweet. It’s only
that he’d moved too fast. Maybe in time, love would grow.

On the other hand, part of her wondered if her extreme
reaction to Simon wasn’t just her head telling her she needed to take a break
from Jay.

She wouldn’t let this episode with Simon get to her. His
appearance had triggered something in her, some echo of the trouble she’d once
suffered, and her old anxieties and obsessions had raised their ugly little
heads. She was hyper-sensitive, where Simon was concerned. She just had to sort
out her feelings and everything would be back to normal. What she’d perceived
as flattery and flirtation were just his natural charm, and likely he meant nothing
by it.

Just as well, given their professional relationship and
Sharon’s unwelcome scrutiny. It was a relief to know that there were no further
barriers to a successful resolution to the case. It was too important to her to
mess it up with second-guessing and neurotic romantic fantasies.

She drew in a deep lungful of clean, cool, moist air and,
face tilted to the sun, continued on her way past the nearly empty playground.
She might have walked right by but for the delighted squeal of a tiny girl on the
monkey bars piercing the tranquil atmosphere.

“Daddy! Look at me, Daddy!”

Kate looked just in time to see Simon smile and wave at
the child and reply, “I’m watching, honey. I see you.”

Oh God!
She halted in her tracks, frozen to the spot, her stomach dropping like a
stone.
How could this keep
happening?
She hadn’t seen him in fifteen years and suddenly she was
tripping over him everywhere she went. Had he been there all along, on the
fringes of her world, and she’d never noticed? Was it one of those three-degrees-of-separation
kind of things?

Kate looked left and right, swallowing the wedge of dread
that thrust its way into her throat. She was in plain sight of them if he
should turn around, no place to hide in the open field. Uncertain what to do,
she stood at the edge of the playground gawking at them for a few moments. If
she carried on her route, he was sure to see her. But she could hardly snub
him, despite his rudeness the night before. Yet, she found herself unable to
step forward and call out a greeting.

Rooted there, unseen, on the periphery of his life, an
unwelcome spectator, she felt a wave of nausea overtake her. She was sweating,
trembling, and felt strangely faint. Images of achingly similar incidents in
long ago times and different places flashed in her mind, and she felt a
powerful urge to run despite the consequences.

The little girl stopped, perched atop the structure, and
stared at her.

“Hi,” she called out, waving. Kate was trapped, holding
her breath. Simon slowly turned toward her, curious, unsuspecting.

She looked at him, answering his daughter and greeting
him in one self-conscious gesture; flicking a hand, she croaked, “Hi.” His face
was a cinematic parade of emotions projected plainly one after the other —
shock, pleasure, embarrassment, chagrin, and confusion.

“Kate?” His voice was surprised though subdued. She
approached tentatively. “I won’t bite, you know,” he said, one corner of his
mouth quirking upward.

“Really,” she deadpanned, suppressing a smile; his
discomfiture was so obvious and good-humored. Or was it? She pumped her fists
uncertainly.
Why am I so incapable
of objectivity around him?
She stopped beside him, her hands thrust
into her pockets, and gazed at the girl who was struggling to get down the
ladder, curious about the stranger who had intruded. She had a tousled mop of
light cocoa curls, and was wearing little green quilted coat.

“Daddy, help me down,” she called out. Simon strode over
and lifted her down as though weightless, carrying her back to where Kate stood.

“Madison, this is Kate. Kate, meet my daughter Maddie.”
He beamed at Madison with pride and affection.

“It’s nice to meet you, Madison,” said Kate, her heart
squeezing at he sight of the beautiful little girl.

“Hi.” Madison said, studying Kate intently, her light
green eyes framed by long brown lashes and her round little cheeks apple red.
She frowned. “Are you Daddy’s girlfriend?”

Kate’s mouth fell open. “Uh. No, honey. We… we work
together.”

“Oh.” Maddie squirmed and kicked until Simon set her down
again, clearly uninterested in work colleagues, and ran off. “Watch me climb,”
she demanded.

Simon stood shoulder to shoulder with Kate watching
Madison struggle up the rope ladder. “I owe you an apology.”

No, don’t
say that!
I just got
you figured out.
“Not me,” she said, trying to keep her cool.

His soft laugh held a cynical note. “Perhaps I do owe all
professional women an apology. But it’s you I offended last night, so I’m
apologizing to you. I tend to generalize when I’m upset.”

“Yes, rather.” Kate shuffled her boots over the damp bark
mulch, releasing its musty cedar scent.

He was silent a moment, then he turned toward her. “I
feel rotten about spoiling the evening like that. We were having a nice time. I
really would like to explain, if you’ll let me.”

She could not avoid turning toward him and meeting his
eyes, though with trepidation. They were translucent and sincere, and her heart
melted with her resolve. “I can hardly deny you that.” Her eyes slid away,
afraid of the persistent tug of attraction that snaked through her.

“Where are you headed? Can you come have a cup of tea
with us? We stopped here on our way home, and we’ve been here a while; Maddie
needs to eat.”

“Um. Okay.” She smiled and shook her head, torn.
Oh, crap.
She fingered her
pendant nervously.
Is this a test?

“C’mon, Maddie. Let’s go get a snack,” he called out, and
Maddie came running immediately, a fact that Kate noted with some amazement.
Weren’t preschoolers supposed to be whiny and defiant?

They walked back the way she had come, over to a strip of
cafes and shops on Cornwall Street. On the way, he explained that he’d just
picked up Madison from her mother’s in Richmond where she’d been all weekend
and that his house was not far away. Close enough to Alexa’s apartment that
Kate wondered they hadn’t run into each other before today. He led them to a
small coffee shop on the corner with a banged up bright orange door and a
hand-painted wooden sign that announced they’d arrived at
Aster’s Cafe
. “It’s kind of an
old hippy hangout, but they make great home-made muffins, and they have toys,”
he said, lifting his brows significantly. They sat by the window in a wide beam
of sunshine that slanted across the mosaic-tiled tabletops, setting shards of
red, yellow and cobalt blue ceramic glaze afire. Settling Maddie on a chair, he
went up to the counter to order and returned shortly with tea, muffins and a
pink plastic cup of milk.

“I want juice,” Maddie pouted.

“I know. But it’s time for milk,” he replied serenely,
smiling at Kate. Maddie protested no further, but drank her milk and ate the
half muffin Simon distractedly set on a napkin in front of her. She was
oblivious to the mustache of milk and crumbs that clung to her sweet cheeks,
and her sulking lasted only a couple of minutes. Kate, on the other hand, was
mesmerized by Simon in the role of father and could hardly concentrate. Soon,
Maddie was twisting around on her chair and watching a large golden retriever
tied up on the sidewalk.

“I was more upset than I let on last night for a couple
of reasons,” Simon said. Kate looked up, questioning. He continued. “Before I
met Sharon, I saw my wife.”

Aha! So that’s who she was. “I noticed you stop to talk
with someone,” she offered in a neutral tone, glancing at Maddie and the dog.
“Your wife is very beautiful.”