Reconcilable Differences: A 'Having It All' Novel (4 page)

"Well, then," Kate chirped, barely holding on,
speaking in a quick staccato. "We'll start at ten a.m., on Tuesdays.
Emotions can run high if people are hungry. We'll run the sessions for two
hours, more or less. If we need to go overtime, we'll get some sandwiches or
take a short break." She wanted to get on with the real work today, but
she desperately needed air. With a trembling hand, she dabbed drops of
perspiration from her brow and glanced at her watch. "Speaking of which,
why don't we take a short break for coffee and return here in fifteen?"
She stood up, pushing her chair back with her knees. "Excuse me," she
muttered as she rushed out the door to the ladies room.

~*~

This
can't be happening! It felt like a bad dream. How many times had she naively
imagined– no
fantasized
about– Simon Sharpe suddenly reappearing in her life? It was the principal
scene that had replayed over and over in her obsessive mind. She wanted him so
badly. Oh, not anymore, but during the worst years of her depression. She was
always, in her mind, overcome with joy and hope.

Now look at
me!
Under fluorescent lighting, her image in the bathroom mirror
wasn't flattering. Her face was green and mottled, her hair hung in lank, ratty
strands pasted to her damp brow and cheeks. Her eyes... she could hardly stand
the darkness she saw there. Seeing Simon again– she was coming apart,
experiencing some kind of relapse– a freak anxiety attack. She still felt weak,
sweaty and chilled. Actually physically sick, despite having already emptied
the contents of her stomach. This was no dream. And instead of thrills what she
felt was sheer terror.

Her cell phone vibrated in her bag on the vanity. Pulling
it out, she confirmed that it was Jay again. Suddenly he seemed comforting.
"Hello, Jay." Her voice was weak and watery.

"Hi, Beautiful. Have you been avoiding my calls?”

“You know I can’t talk when I’m working.”

"You haven't been answering my calls in the evenings
either," he said.

"I've been... really busy."

"I need to see you. I miss you. How about dinner
Saturday?"

That’s because she was avoiding him. She suffered a
twinge of conscience.

“Um... I don’t know.“ She tutted. " I can’t decide
right now." And wasn’t that an understatement. How could she think about
Jay when her mind was full of Simon?

“Come on sweetheart. You can’t torture me like this. I’ve
got a surprise for you." He laughed, warming and confusing her. He was
awfully charming.

She rubbed the dampness at the back of her neck, fluffing
her hair. "Maybe. I'll let you know later.”

He remained silent for a moment, the line quiet.

“How about now?” Kate heard the smile in his voice.

“Ja-ay.”

"Please."

Her laugh was feeble and she looked at herself in the
mirror again, mopping her brow with a wadded tissue. "I don't know."
Quit waffling
.

“I didn't get your answer about that dinner."

“I don’t think so. I need a little me time right now.”

"Please, Katie."

She sighed. Was this what everyone went through when
faced with a lifelong commitment? "We’ll get together soon, I promise.”

"Whatever’s going on with you I know I can fix it. I
have ways.” His warm sexy, laughter filled her head. “I’ll make you laugh and
you’ll feel better. We’ll have a good time like we always do.”

An image of Simon flashed in her agitated mind, and she
pushed it away.

“Maybe I’m not in the mood to laugh right now.”

“All the more reason for us to spend time together.” He
laughed. "Saturday?"

It
was
comforting to hear his voice. But now he wanted forever, and she had to decide
whether that was something she could do. Could she face the question? “No. I
don't know. Maybe." Her voice shook. What she really needed was to talk to
Alexa.

“Are you okay? You don't sound well."

“I’m feeling a bit nauseated. Might be coming down with
something. Call me tonight?"

“Sure. Okay. Later.” He paused. “Love you, angel.”

Yes. Coming down with something. Something like a nervous
freaking breakdown! But she could pass it off as a stomach virus. That's it.
She'd wrap up today's session early. She needed time to think about her
reaction to Simon, and come up with a strategy. She had to get control of
herself. She had to deal with Jay’s imminent proposal. Her clients needed her.
And she needed them.

After
the movie, she was even more subdued than she had been during dinner at Flying
Wedge Pizza. The evening air was mild and fresh, and they strolled to a
Starbuck's nearby.

"Well. That was okay, I guess. But I would have
rather seen
the action flick.
"
Jay shuffled along beside her, hands shoved deep in the pockets of his
overcoat.

She didn't respond. He was cute, but dense sometimes. It
was comforting to be with him, but her mind was elsewhere.

"I hear Harrison Ford is excellent. I bet you would
have liked it better."

She walked on in silence. Such a boy. She wished she knew
what to do about him. It was times like these she found it hard to imagine
spending the rest of her life with Jay. They just weren’t on the same page.

He slung an arm over her shoulders and squeezed.
"Are you sure you're feeling okay, honey?" Jay asked, eyes quizzical,
concern in his voice. "You're so quiet."

She put on an agreeable face. "I'm fine.” She forced
a smile. "I liked the movie, didn't you?"

He shrugged. "I guess. For a chick flick."

“I think they’re called rom-coms.”

“Huh?”

"Never mind. You didn't get anything out of
it?"

He pulled a long face, casting his eyes upward.
"Um." His eyes circled, searching. "Gay guys are more style
conscious?" He shook his head at her deadpan expression. "They make
better girlfriends than girls?" He was trying to make her laugh. She gave
him a weak smile.

Kate sighed. She did like that he was lighthearted and
funny, but it'd be nice to have a serious discussion with him, for once.
"Didn't it make you wonder, even a teensy bit, how you know when you
should spend the rest of your life with someone?”

He flashed her a sly grin, and she blinked hard. She
didn’t mean to lead him on, she really didn’t. But the closer he got to popping
the question, the more she agonized about what was the right thing to do.

“Didn't it make you think about the fact that we waste so
much time worrying about…" She waved a hand about, "… about
superficial things, like how a person looks, or whether they're from a certain
type of family, or their job…?

Jay sniffed and adjusted his coat with a shrug.
"That stuff's pretty important. That's what it was about?"

Kate stared at him critically. Perhaps that wasn't a fair
question. She knew he did care about those things, more than she did. Maybe she
was obsessing. "Didn't Julia Roberts’ character raise any questions for
you?"

He sulked. "I thought it was a comedy."

Kate was relieved to spend a relaxed Saturday evening
with Jay, even though she'd been avoiding him, and was preoccupied. She'd been
resisting his company in direct proportion to his obvious hints about his
approaching proposal. But after her traumatic and distressing week, it was a
comfort to fall back into their routine even though she was more conscious than
ever of his shortcomings. It’s not that she found fault with Jay, only that he
left her wanting more.

An image of Simon flashed in her mind, and she pushed it
away. Her memories of what they shared fifteen years ago had no bearing on her
relationship with Jay. Yet she felt a sense of loss.

Jay brought their drinks and they squeezed onto a couple
of chairs against the wall in the crowded café, their backs and elbows pressed
against their neighbors, the general buzz of conversation loud enough to force
them close together to be heard. She noticed a couple of female heads turn to
openly admire Jay, and him return a cocky grin, eating it up.

“Jay?” She felt a frisson of irritation.

He took her hand. “I know what you’re hinting at. Be
patient. I wasn’t going to…” he glanced around the crowded, steamy cafe. “What
the hell.” Jay leaned closer, dropping his voice. “Kate. You know what I’m
going to say. Marry me, Angel.”

“Ah, Jay, don’t. I need…” She dropped her head into her
hand. “How
do
you know
who you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with?" She peered at
Jay earnestly, trying to get through to him.

He grinned and laughed out loud. "Me, of
course." He ruffled her hair. "Isn't it obvious?"

She wanted to scream. “Seriously, Jay." She frowned
at him. "What if you make a mistake?"

He sobered. "Damn it, Kate.” He set down his coffee
mug with a too-loud
thunk
and turned to face her. "I know exactly what I want. What we have is good.
You mean what if
you
make a mistake?"

“I’m sorry. I have to be sure." She gazed down into
her teacup, and twirled it round and round restlessly. "And I'm not."

Jay thrust his face nearer to hers, his voice rising.
"I never know what's going on in your head. You’re always pulling away.
Why don't you tell me what you're so afraid of?"

"Shhhh." She glanced up and could see him
fulminating, his umber eyes glassy under furrowed dark brows. She was aware
that other people were looking at them, picking up on their tension. A wave of
guilt overcame her, thickening her throat. She dipped her head. Whatever her
problems were, he didn't deserve this.

She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and pushed the
hair back from her forehead. "Let me try to explain."

Jay didn't reply.

She reached out and gently lifted his large hand from his
knee, her stomach knotting. She could share something. Open up a bit. "Let
me tell you about this guy I went out with."

"What guy?" Jay's expression darkened, his jaw
jutting.

Jeez-us
.
It's a good thing he didn't know about Simon. She squeezed his hand and
clarified. "He was my
high
school
boyfriend." She felt Jay relax a bit. "I was so in love.” Kate gazed
wistfully over his shoulder, shaking her head. “At the time I thought he was
the one I would spend the rest of my life with."

At Jay's puzzled expression, she quickly concluded her
story. "He dumped me quite unceremoniously in the middle of first-year
university." The story sounded stupid now. Irrelevant. How could anyone
ever understand what she'd been through. "He broke my heart."

Jay's response was a blend of compassion and righteousness.
"Poor baby. You think
I
would drop you like that?" He wrapped his strong arm around her and pulled
her close, kissing her hair. "I'm no eighteen-year-old puppy. I want you
forever, Kate. I mean it."

She remained limp and unresponsive in his embrace,
remembering the utter dejection and lost self-esteem that she'd felt until
Simon came along to distract her. "No, no. Don't take it the wrong
way." Her voice was pleading. "I know that was only a teen romance.
But I was wrong once. And I could be wrong again. So could you." She sat
upright and met his eyes with fervor. “We should be certain."

She'd been wrong more than once. Maybe that's all she'd
had with Simon, too. A trivial childish romance. It was a lot easier to file
away their history when she thought of it that way. Wasn't it? But it felt like
so much more, and she couldn’t let it go.

“I need a little more time to think this through.” Now
that Jay had asked the question, she had to make up her mind.

Jay heaved a sigh. "Okay. Okay." His voice was
tight, determined. "I can't force you, can I? I'll give you the time you
need. But know that I am certain. And I'm not going away."

Despite her doubts about the depth of their connection,
he was a good man and he truly loved her. It wouldn’t be a bad thing. She
should just say yes. She probably would. If only she could trust her own heart.

~*~

After
several desperate phone
messages, Kate had finally connected with her best friend on Sunday night for
dinner at their favorite cheap Italian restaurant on the Drive. They sat
huddled over a candle at a small red-gingham covered table in the corner of the
dimly lit room. All Alexa wanted to talk about was Jay and his proposal, while
Kate kept coming back to Simon and her reaction to him.

"I know how much Simon meant to you," Alexa
said, pressing her hand over Kate's on the stained paper tablecloth. "But,
Katie. That was years ago. Why are you freaking out now? Especially now that
Jay has popped the question. Why does it matter anymore?"

"This is not just any guy, Alex. You
know
. Nobody ever..."
Kate's stomach knotted into a hard fist, and her throat closed up, choking off
her words. It's
Simon
.
Kate lifted her large glass of red wine with a trembling hand and took another
big gulp, filling her nose with the sharp, dark cherry aroma.

She had already drunk too much with dinner, hoping to
take the edge off her creeping anxiety, but it had only made her foggy and
confused. She needed Alexa's help to sort through the turmoil in her head.
They'd been friends forever. Alexa had stood by Kate through the tough years of
depression and counseling, and watched her put herself back together. Now Kate
needed to figure out how to respond to Jay, and how to move forward with some
kind of strategy to work this case, even with Simon there, like a shadow from
the past, week after week, messing with her head. But Alexa didn't know the
whole story. Filled with a vague dread, Kate looked up.

Alexa's cropped dark hair swung as she shook her head in
confusion, her dark brows furrowed. "I know you had it bad for him, and I
understand what it's like to get dumped by a guy you think is hot, especially
when you're nineteen. It's happened to all of us. But... so what? What's so
special about Simon that you're still hung up on him after all these years? Why
can't you move on?"

Kate studied the pattern of pasta sauce splats and red
wine arcs printed on the paper tablecloth. She ran her fingertip across yet
another drip that slid slowly down the side of the bowl, and put her finger in
her mouth to lick it off. Why? That was the question. She knew Alex didn't have
the whole picture. Would it help if she did? She swallowed the lump of fear
that formed in her throat.

"I can't seem to get past it. Being in the room with
him, being able to see his face, his hands, hear his voice, look in his eyes,
if I dare. It rattles me completely." Kate looked at her trembling hands,
clenching them into fists. "I haven't had these anxiety attacks for years.
Not since I went through my training."

"He’s just a man.”

“Not for me. That's why I'm questioning my relationship
with Jay. Simon was everything I ever wanted. Beautiful, smart, sensitive,
strong. He wasn’t one of those brutish, macho guys. And we had such a deep
connection. If I wasn’t so messed up back then, I would have held onto him
forever.”

“Well, if it's so bad, then don't do it. Drop the case.
You've got plenty of others, you don't need the hassle."

If only it were that easy, but she had to work through
this. She needed to face her demons and purge herself of the anxiety and
self-doubt. “But I do. It's so complicated. I've got a few other cases open
right now, but none of them are couples counseling
and
potential reconciliation. This one is."

"So?" Alexa shrugged, sloppily refilling their
wine glasses. Drips splashed onto the table, splattering into a galaxy of
purple starbursts.

"It's this award the society is giving me in
January. It's huge. My professional success and reputation are built on my
reconciliation methodology. Not only is this my fiftieth case, it's an
excellent case study to present at the awards dinner. It's what they're
expecting. I need it."

Alexa screwed up her face. "Can't you pull an old
one out of your files?"

Kate tutted. "It's not the same. My ideas have
evolved over the years. Going into this one knowing I'll be sharing my notes
with my colleagues gives me the chance to record things..." she circled a
hand. “Insights that occur to me as I'm working, specific moments when I use
certain strategies and why. My own emotional responses to the dialogue. I've
never written most of that down before. I usually just... do it."

"I see. But under the circumstances..."

Kate scrubbed her fingers through her hair. "It's
more than that. I like this couple. There are multiple obstacles to
reconciliation. Red-hot emotions. Interfering parents. Confrontational lawyers.
It’s volatile. I'm afraid another mediator won't be as invested in
reconciliation as I am, and my gut tells me I can get them through all that.
I've already won their trust."

“Then what about telling him
he
can't stay. Get another lawyer to come
instead."

Kate nodded. "I tried that. But my client is already
bonded with him, and I don't think the other guy is available. I can't impose
because of my own issues." Kate ignored the truth tugging at her
consciousness like a stubborn ghost. She wanted Simon there. She was as
fascinated by him as she had ever been. It haunted her. That was part of the
problem. Perhaps that was all of the problem.

Alexa remained silent for a while, staring into her wine,
avoiding Kate's eyes.

Kate's stomach clenched. "What? Spit it out."

“You’re rationalizing. It sounds to me like you don't
want to get out of this. You're secretly thrilled to have crossed paths with
Simon and you want more."

"Alex!" Her heart rate tripled, hammering
against her ribcage. It was as though Alexa had read her mind. But it couldn't
be true. She was miserable. Pushed and pulled. Sick with anxiety. “He’s
married!”

Her eyebrows peeked up above her dark-framed glasses. “Is
he?”

“Well, divorced, I think.”

Alexa tilted her head down. Her dark eyelashes lifted
slowly, and her smoke-and-moss eyes peered intently into Kate's over her
frames, narrowing, wordlessly challenging her.