Reckless Secrets (11 page)

"Don't be modest. He told me you did. He said without you…"

Jason set his cup down, but kept his hand wrapped around it, still studying me.

I blushed for real now.

He hesitated a second, then looked like he came to a decision about something. "I'd be surprised if you know
everything
, Ellie."

I didn't answer. I didn't believe him. Of course I knew everything—everything important.

Jason sighed. "Look, Logan is one of my favorite students
ever
. He has more potential…" He took a deep breath. "He could be a great man
someday
. I'll do everything I can to help him be the man I know he can be. But right now…"
 

He paused again, looking tormented or conflicted or something. "I have to say this and it's going to sound bad. I don't mean it to, but as your—" He cut himself off and held his hands out in front of him, palms up, in that gesture that meant "fill in the blank."
 

"I have to warn you. Logan has issues, serious issues. I don't want to see you get hurt.
Either
of you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I simply stared at him. "What are you saying? That I shouldn't see him?" I couldn't keep the anger from my voice.
 

Jason looked tortured, but resolved. "I realize I don't have the right to say anything. But, yes, it would be better, I think, if you didn't become too attached to him."

I didn't know what to say. This was so unexpected. I was stunned.

Jason grabbed my hand. "See? Remember what I told you about teenagers? I'm messing this up. I care about
both
of you." He squeezed my hand. "I want the best for each of you. But you and I have a special bond. You're my priority. I have to look out for you and warn and advise you when I can. I haven't been there to do that while you were growing up like I should have been. I'm furious at Melissa for that and trying to deal with it." His eyes got a hard look in them that made me believe him.

"Even though I didn't know about you, I feel guilty as hell for that. I'm trying to do my best now, from here on out.

"What you ultimately do is up to you. I'll be here for you. Either way.
Know
that."

I looked at him, nodded, and swallowed a lump in my throat. He spoke so forcefully and with such emotion, I knew he meant it. I was upset with him and angry because he was going all dad on me. But touched at the same time because he cared enough about me, however misguidedly, that he was willing to risk our relationship and warn me about Logan. Even if he was dead wrong. I squeezed his hand in return. I let go and reached for my coffee.

"Promise me you'll think about what I said? And proceed cautiously? Don't move too fast or lose your heart too completely?"

It was too late for that. But I nodded anyway, suddenly feeling like I couldn't breathe. My worst fear was coming true—without meaning to, I was driving a wedge between Jason and Logan. And unknowingly, Logan was coming between me and my dad.

Jason looked at me tentatively. "You okay? Are we okay?" His voice was touchingly tender and concerned.
 

"Yeah," I said. How could I be mad at him?

"I just found you. I don't want to lose you." He gave me a lopsided grin.

"No. Me either." It was so true, I spoke without hesitation. "Promise me something?"

"Yes?"

"That you won't talk to Logan about me. It's not fair to him, or me. He doesn't know he's talking to my…" I trailed off, leaving the blank for him to fill in. "He might tell you things he ordinarily wouldn't tell, you know, my boss."

Jason smiled very slightly. "I can't promise that, Ellie. If he brings you up—"

"Just don't bring it up on your own. And if he veers into personal territory, you veer him right back out of it." I looked at Jason for confirmation. "That's fair."

"All right. You make a good point. I promise."

"And—"

"There's an and, too?" His tone was teasing.

I had to fight not to smile. This was serious. "Promise you won't discourage him from seeing me."

Jason stared at me as he considered my request. "Okay. On one condition."

"What? You get a condition, too?"

He nodded. "Oh, yeah. Fair's fair. You have to trust me and listen if I find it necessary to warn you about him again." He held out his hand like he wanted to shake. "What do you say? Deal?"

I hesitated only a second before shaking his hand. "Deal."

"Good." He glanced at his watch. "I have to run. We don't want to linger so long we start tongues wagging." He smiled. "Can we make this a standing weekly date?"

I smiled back. "Yeah. Sure."

"Great."

"Good. Now before I go, tell me something I don't know about you. I'm dying to know everything."

I smiled. "That's easy—you don't know much."

"Did you just insult my intelligence?"

I shook my head and grinned. "My favorite color is blue." I grabbed my coat from the back of my chair and pulled my gloves from my pocket.

He laughed. "Be prepared with something more personal next week."

When we left, it was snowing even harder. I got a text from Byron telling me he had an actual office now in the chem department administration suite on the third floor, office number 323. He told me to meet him there for our appointment.

During the semester I had sort of bonded with Byron. He was nerdy and awkward, but he knew chemistry and had been a huge help to me in it and with my quest to bake the perfect cobblestone bar. He'd been really sweet to me that time I'd been upset about Logan and had broken down and cried in his old office, a small, partitioned-off space in the back of the chem lab. But none of that made me any more eager to see him.

At our regularly appointed time after chem lab, I made my way to the chem building through an ever-intensifying flurry of snow. The ground was covered with several inches. It showed no thought of slowing. In the chem department offices, the admin pointed me to Byron's new space—a dank little office with a window that once again looked out on the parking garage next door and the garbage dumpsters below, like his old office in the lab had, only from a few floors above. Better view of the garbage. His door was open. I knocked on it anyway.

"Ellie! Come in." Byron was sitting at his desk. His face lit up when he saw me and went blotchy in red patches, like it did when he was nervous or excited. He studied me. "You look gorgeous today."

Damn! Bad planning on my part. I should have taken off my makeup, and even the snow hadn't managed to ruin my hair. I'd fixed up for my dad, but now Byron was getting the completely wrong idea.

It was warm in his office. As I unbuttoned my coat, I thought again how hard it was for a guy like Byron to be a romantic figure when he blushed so unevenly like that. I felt sorry for him, but there had to be a girl out there for him somewhere. I took a step in and made a show of scanning his tiny, dark office with its cast-off furniture. It looked like it had recently been used for storage. Was that a broom in the corner? I could imagine the other professors complaining about having to give up their storeroom.

"Wow!" I said, trying to sound awed, but really being awed by how crappy it was and how much it smelled like cheap grocery-store-variety cologne. I didn't want to think what
that
meant.

"Close the door," he said, beaming. "What do you think? I haven't finished moving in yet, obviously."

I shut the door and thought it wasn't obvious at all. His old space in the lab had looked pretty much the same. "I'm sure it will be great when you do."

"Are you impressed?" He popped up and stood behind his desk, trying, I assumed, to look professorial.
 

"Yeah. Like I said, wow."

He shook his head and came around his desk. "I don't mean the office. I mean—we did it!"

I froze, cold as the snow outside, and my heart nearly stopped.
We did it? What did that mean?
 

I panicked, thinking he'd somehow discovered I'd been part of the group who pranked Dr. Rogers, which had led to Dex discovering her illegal drug lab. Not that anyone besides our group knew Dex had been the one to find it. I couldn't think how Byron could include himself in that, though. Unless he'd realized I'd duped him when I'd gone to his office hours and unlatched his window so the gang could get into the chem building the night of the prank.

I paled. Guilty consciences suck.

Byron put his arm around me. My first instinct should have been to shake his arm off, but I was too stunned to move.

"I got the job and we found away to make sure you get a good grade, maybe even an A. A win for both of us." He smelled like that cheap cologne and an overpowering breath mint. "Now that I'm the professor…" He smiled, creepily staring at me. "It's going to be okay now." He brushed my cheek.

I suppressed a shudder.

"No more tears." He did remember and was obviously, ineptly, trying to play hero. "No more worries."

I smiled weakly back at him and stepped out of his embrace. "Yeah, congrats. It was a real surprise when you were the guy who stepped out of the wings to lecture. We were all placing bets on Dr. Kim replacing Dr. Rogers."

"Probably next semester." Byron sighed like he was unhappy at the thought of being demoted back to TA. "He was too busy finishing up his research project this semester."

"Enjoy it while you can. It's still an honor for you to be chosen from all the lab TAs. And it will look fantastic on your résumé." I paused, realizing I was doing it again without meaning to. It was so easy to lead Byron on without trying. "Why don't you give me the tour?"

He beamed. "Can I take your coat?"

"No. Thanks, I'm fine." I wasn't planning to stay long, not a moment longer than necessary to secure my A.

He nodded. "There's not much to see—my bookshelves, file cabinet, desk. Some of the profs have tables and chairs and coffee machines in their offices."
 

I glanced at the far corner. And some of the profs still had a boatload of junk in Byron's. I hadn't imagined that broom. The janitor had been using it, too. Hmmm, Byron's office really was a broom closet.

"Ignore that," Byron said. "Some of the profs haven't gotten all their stuff out of here yet."

Yep, storage room.

"You can always bring in your own coffee machine." I tried to reclaim my personal space by stepping to the window, facing it, and looking out at snow falling on dumpsters. "You have pretty much the same view, I see."

"What? Oh, yes." He laughed nervously. "I'm just above the lab." He paused. "What did you think of my lecture?"

Touchy subject. I kept looking out the window at the falling snow, hoping he couldn't see my expression reflected in the window as I tried to be gentle. "It was great, for your first one. Just be yourself. You're a really good teacher when you're relaxed." I looked over my shoulder at him. "Back to my grades—what are you going to do about the grade mess Dr. Rogers left?"
 

Byron came up and stood right behind me. Like right behind me, so close I could feel his body heat. "I was going to ask your advice—what do you think is the best thing to do?"

I didn't have to think twice on that one. "Curve the grades, generously. Throw out the outliers like the one person who got an A on a test, if there is one." I snorted. Dr. Rogers only gave one A per semester and that was usually to her pet, the guy she had the hots for. "Then give extra credit to make up for all the injustices of her grading."

"That's exactly what I was thinking." He put his hand on my shoulder. "You still seem tense. You can relax now, Ellie. I'm going to take care of you. Chemistry won't be a problem."

I froze again. Byron had the misguided notion that all my emotional upheavals of the semester resulted from thinking I was going to flunk chemistry. Probably because he'd seen how unhappy I was and I'd cried on his shoulder once, like literally. And let him think chemistry was the problem because I really couldn't talk about what I was going through. He had no idea my problems really revolved around Logan and my dad. And after talking to Jason, they still did.

"Thanks, I appreciate that," I said.