Rebecca's Rose (37 page)

Rebecca knew that if she spoke, she would disintegrate into dust, so she stared into Danny’s eyes and shook her head.

Max marched to the closet and pulled out some work gloves. “Nathaniel is organizing some men to work on Levi’s house—to see if we can get it into shape before he gets out of the hospital. I’m going over there to help.”

“You have plenty of work of your own,” Fater said. “Charity begins at home. The wood needs chopping, and the cows must be milked.”

“I will milk,” Danny said, still clinging to Rebecca.

“I’m going,” said Max.

“You are fourteen, Max. You do not know how to help,” Fater said.

“Why don’t you come with me, Fater? We can work together. That roof is about to collapse.”

Fater turned to walk into the kitchen. “Stay here and help your sister.”

The muscles in Max’s jaw tightened. “I am going,” he said. “I do not care if you don’t want me to go.”

Max and Fater stared at each other for a few seconds. Fater blinked first. “Then you’ll have to walk,” he said.

Without another word, Max bolted out the door and slammed it behind him.

Fater shoved a finger into Danny’s face. “You better be mighty sure you finish that milking.” He turned on his heels and disappeared into the kitchen.

Danny burst into tears and buried his face into Rebecca’s apron. “I don’t want Levi to die,” he said.

Still incapable of speech, Rebecca put her arm around him and stroked his hair.

“Hush, now,” Mamm said. “It will turn around right, Lord willing. We will keep him in our prayers every minute.” She studied Rebecca’s face and furrowed her brow. “He is in God’s hands.”

Rebecca nodded and wiped away whatever expression alarmed Mamm. She patted Danny’s head then escaped into the kitchen. Fater’s indifference made it easier to keep her composure than Mamm’s sympathy.

Because Fater would never see her cry again.

When night finally cast its shadow over the house, Rebecca could no longer avoid being saturated with grief. Everyone retired to bed, and the skeleton of the house creaked as other noises faded in the darkness. Lying in the blackness next to Linda, Rebecca imprisoned the sobs inside her for fear of waking her sister. Ach, how she longed to be completely alone! With no fater scrutinizing her work, no siblings demanding her care.

Afraid the feeling would smother her, she sat upright in bed. She had to get out. The toolshed was impossibly cold this time of night, so she snatched a quilt from the closet and tiptoed down the stairs to the cellar.

She spread the quilt on the cold floor and sat cross-legged on the bottom half, wrapping the rest around her shoulders and legs. Sitting perfectly still, she stared into the glowing woodstove.

She imagined Levi’s athletic hands caressing the stove’s door, searching for leaks. Then she pictured the shock on his face the first time she’d refused to kiss him. She loved that expression, when she threw him off balance and took his confidence down a notch. Now she had chopped his ego about as low as it could go.

Rebecca finally let the tears flow freely. Five years of pent-up heartache rolled unhindered down her face. An unexpected sob escaped her lips.

Every part of her body screamed for Levi.

He hadn’t brought her a rose this morning because of the accident, but she couldn’t bear the thought of his lying in the hospital not knowing how she felt.

The self-condemnation multiplied as she silently cataloged her transgressions.

She was afraid she had lost him, and even though she wanted to be strong, the pain of that possible loss overpowered her. This was exactly what she had tried so hard to avoid every day since Dottie Mae’s death.

The door at the top of the stairs creaked open, and Rebecca’s heart plummeted to the floor. She did not have the strength to face Fater’s anger. But it was too late. She had nowhere to hide.

She swiped a hand across her eyes to clear the tears.

To her surprise, her mamm slowly lumbered down the stairs.

“Mamm? Did I wake you? I’m sorry. Cum, I’ll help you back to bed.”

“Nae, stay there,” Mamm said. She held a lantern in one hand and the stair rail in the other. “Am I disturbing you, or would you like some company? I could get you some melatonin if you are having trouble sleeping.”

“You should be in bed.”

“Scoot over,” Mamm said, “and I’ll sit by you.”

“You can’t sit comfortably on the floor. We can go back to bed.”

“I am feeling better tonight. I can sit.”

“Fater will not like it.”

“He won’t know.”

Reluctantly, Rebecca opened her blanket and moved over to share with her mother. Mamm set the lantern on the floor beside them and tucked herself nicely inside the quilt.

They sat in silence for several minutes, Rebecca unsure what her mother wanted and unwilling to bring up any subject that might upset her.

Mamm took Rebecca’s hand and studied her face. “It wonders me,” she said, “whether the sun would fall from the sky if you stopped trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. If you gave up doing your duty and simply searched for happiness.”

This time the emotions were already close to the surface and Rebecca was too weak to put up her guard. She burst into tears for the third time today and rested her head on Mamm’s shoulder.

“I would be very selfish,” she replied.

“You do not have a selfish bone in your body,” Mamm said. “Everyone deserves happiness, especially my daughter. It would break my heart to see you wallow in misery your whole life.” Mamm took Rebecca’s face in her hands. “Be honest, heartzly. What do you want? What do you truly want?”

Rebecca cried so hard that the words came out more like a sob. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of losing you, like I lost Dottie Mae.”

“And what about Levi?” Mamm prompted.

“If he dies, I will not be able to bear it, but even if he survives…” Rebecca took a deep breath and looked Mamm in the eyes. “Remember when Fater used to take me ice-skating? He’d hold my hand and whip me around the ice, and we’d laugh and laugh. Now all he does is criticize and hurt my feelings whenever he’s home. I do not love him anymore.” She averted her gaze. “Now you know my wickedness.”

“Emotions are not wicked.”

“What if I give my love to Levi and he rejects me? What if he turns out like Fater? What if he dies? I would rather lose him now than be hurt like that.”

“I believe you love Fater, but you shield yourself against him and call it indifference.”

Rebecca nodded. “That is how I have treated Levi.”

“But Levi loves as if he has no fear of being hurt.”

“He jumps into the pool without checking to see if it has water in it.”

“Could be very painful indeed,” Mamm said. She embraced Rebecca and held her tightly. “Rebecca, if there is no pain in losing someone, there is no love in life. If you hadn’t loved Dottie Mae so deeply, you would not have been so sad when she died. Pain is part of love.”

Mamm’s shoulder was soaked with tears by the time Rebecca pulled away. “I love him, Mamm. I love him so much.”

“Then go to him. Marry him.”

“What if he has rejected me?”

“You might be able to change his mind,” Mamm said.

“How can I leave when you need me here?”

“A true mother would never hold her child hostage. I have three other children and a capable husband who will remember his duty. And you will not be far. Levi’s property is only twenty minutes by buggy. Go and be happy. That is my greatest joy.”

Rebecca felt the weight of the world slip from her shoulders even as a thrill of fear ran through her veins. “I am so afraid.”

“Love is only for the courageous.”

Rebecca squared her shoulders. “I am very good at trying things that scare me to death.”

Rebecca felt like she passed several tests of bravery before she even got to Levi’s room on the fourth floor. The smell of sterilized air was bad enough, but the sight of nurses and doctors in scrubs and lab coats almost sent her running for the exit. Every beep of every machine attacked her calm facade until she was a nervous wreck.

As hard as it was to be in a hospital, Rebecca’s bigger worries involved Levi. Word had come early this morning that Levi’s surgery was successful and he had been moved out of intensive care but would have to remain in the hospital for a few days until the chest tube could be removed. What if his accident had knocked some sense into him and he had decided to give up on her? What if he wouldn’t accept her love? How was she going to approach him?

Hi. I’ve changed my mind. Will you marry me?

Maybe his pain medication would render him incoherent and he wouldn’t remember she even visited.

Ach, she was driving herself crazy.

She quietly stepped down the hall to Levi’s room. Levi’s bishop and Luke Miller stood in the corridor conversing softly. Rebecca nodded to them as she passed. The door was closed, but Rebecca could see Levi through the window. His eyes were shut, but even in sleep he wore a look of discomfort on his face. Rebecca flinched. She’d give anything to see that smile again. Tubes grew from his arms and chest like dandelions, and the green lines on one monitor tracked the rhythms of his heart. She swallowed hard and clamped her eyes shut. This image of Levi in such pain would haunt her forever.

No fear. Pain is part of love.

I love him. I will accept the pain.

Preacher Zook came out of the room.

“Is it okay for me to come in?” she said quietly.

The preacher flashed a weary smile. “Jah, he is awake but heavily medicated. There is a lot of pain. A visit from a pretty girl like you will probably perk him up a bit.” He walked away, looking almost too tired to lift his feet.

Rebecca clamped her fingers around the door handle, but before she could turn it, Levi’s mother rushed to the door from inside Levi’s room. Frowning, she nudged Rebecca back into the hall and quickly closed the door behind her.

“Rebecca. I didn’t expect to see you.”

“How is he?”

“He broke three ribs and collapsed a lung, but considering that we almost lost him, his injuries are a miracle. Praise the Lord.”

“Does he have to stay here very long?”

“The chest tube must be in for a few more days, but he is young and in good physical shape, so the doctor thinks his hospital stay will be short.”

“Do you think I could see him?” Rebecca said, suddenly feeling shy.

Levi’s mother put an arm around Rebecca’s shoulder and slowly guided her down the hall away from Levi’s room. “Oh, Rebecca. You are so kind to do your Christian duty and visit my son. Levi always tells me what a gute girl you are. But I don’t think it would be a good thing for him to see you right now—the way he has been treated by you and your family.”

“My fater—”

Levi’s mamm shook her head. “I hold no ill will toward your fater or you, Rebecca, but I am a mother bear, I suppose. I have to protect my cub. Seeing you might upset Levi and worsen his condition. You understand, don’t you? I am only thinking of my son’s health. You understand.”

Finding it impossible to speak, Rebecca looked down at her shoes and nodded.

Levi’s mother actually gave her a hasty hug before walking back to Levi’s room.

Her surroundings blurred, and Rebecca made a beeline for the elevators. Once inside she pounded her finger against the button three times before the doors finally came together. In consternation, she realized that her dry-eyed days were over. She pressed herself into the corner of the elevator and wept.

Holding her basket tightly, Rebecca tiptoed across the muddy yard to the old house. The crumbling sidewalk led directly to the front door—no steps and no porch. Before she was born, an old bishop lived in this house, and it was already falling into disrepair back then. Once the bishop died and his wife moved away, no one wanted the house, and the property lay dormant for a quarter of a century. Levi had probably landed a terrific bargain.

The wood siding looked like Rebecca’s barn before Levi painted it. Most of the windows were broken, and the roof looked thin in more than one place. But according to Max, Nathaniel said the foundation was solid and the outer walls well-built. A good shell to work with.

There must have been thirty men working on Levi’s new—or ancient—house that evening. Some crouched on the roof repairing holes and installing new shingles. Others measured and squared window casings while two ladies covered gaping holes in the glass with plastic—at least to keep the inside dry until new windows could be installed.

Could Levi afford new windows?

The sound of hammers and other noises rang inside the house, and Rebecca cautiously stuck her head through the doorway. Max and Luke Miller held Sheetrock while Marvin Yutzy used a power drill to secure it into place.

Max caught sight of Rebecca first. “Come in,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. He gestured around the small front room. “You should have seen this yesterday. It was a mighty mess.” Even though the room couldn’t have been warmer than fifty degrees, he wiped sweat from his face.

“You have done gute work,” Rebecca said. “It smells like a new house.”

“By the time we are finished it will be a new house.” Max laughed. “Beneath this dust, the wood floors have the most interesting pattern. Luke says once we polish them up, they’ll be fit for a king’s castle.”

Though still stinging from her visit to the hospital this morning, Max’s enthusiasm wrapped itself around Rebecca. She fully expected him to break into song.

“I brought supper,” she said, holding up her basket. “For you and Marvin.”

For the first time since she entered the room, Marvin looked up. “Denki,” he said. “I am sorry I did not come to your house to work yesterday. We want to finish the walls yet before Levi leaves the hospital. And his mamm will be over tomorrow night to see our work.”

Rebecca nodded. “If you had come to our place, I would have sent you over here. Should we sit on the floor?”

She found a broom in the corner and swept away the worst of the dust. The three sat down together, and Rebecca pulled out cold fried chicken and boiled eggs. She studied Marvin out of the corner of her eyes. As soon as he ate, she would ask him to walk her to the buggy and then break the news to him. She dreaded hurting his feelings, but she had to put a stop to his expectations.