Reasons I Fell for the Funny Fat Friend (18 page)

Reason 24:
I can’t lie to you

“Hey, I know you hate the pop in, but—”

I stop Hayley from overanalyzing with a big kiss, ‘cause really, ever since Quynn left it’s all I’ve wanted to do.

“Whoa,” she says, pushing back from me and turnin’ red, “does this mean you’re okay with me just coming over without calling?”

I smile and pull her inside. “I’ll make an exception for you.”

She folds her arms. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“You’re turning into a very cheesy sappy lovesick boy.” She reaches up to feel my forehead. “What have I done?”

I knock her hand off, but keep her in my hold. “No cheesy stuff, huh? How about I just take you downstairs
,
and we’ll do it.”

She laughs. “There’s the boy I knew was in there.”

“Is that a yes?”

She shakes her head and plops on the couch.
“I actually have a favor to ask.”

I almost spout off an ‘Anything for you’
,
but the cheesy comment stops my mouth. Moving her legs off the end of the couch, I sit next to her, clasping my hand with hers.

“Okay, I know it’s uber lame, but my friends
, like,
they all want to go on this big group date thing
. I guess now that I have a boyfriend…” She flicks her eyes to meet mine
,
and I smile. Hell yeah, I’m her boyfriend. “They want me to come along. Well…
us
to come along.”

“Sure. When?”

“That’s the thing,” she says, leaning her head against my shoulder, “I know we had plans tonight already
,
and I’m not sure what you had in store for me, but they wanted to meet up later. Can we fit that in?”

It’s as if everythin’ freezes right there, and I’m faced with the stupid choice again. Quynn or Hayles. I always choose Hayles, but then end up feelin’ guilty as
crap
over ditchin’ Quynn. And I’d be doin’ it to her twice. I should’ve told her everythin’ about me and Hayles. I should’ve said it as easily as Hayley just said it. I’m her boyfriend. She’s my girlfriend.

Brody, you’re a stupid ass.

“Hayley?”

“Uh oh.” She sits up and looks me in the face. “Something’s wrong. Spill.”

I don’t lie to Hayley. I can’t. “Okay, don’t be mad though.”

There goes the cute eyebrow crinkle.

“Quynn came over earlier and asked if I’d go to Jamie’s party tonight.”

“Okay…”

“Well, I kind of ditched her last night, so I felt bad and I told her I’d go.”

Her eyebrows go from crinkle to sky high. “You had a date with Quynn last night?”

“No!” I shift on the couch and grab her face, but she wiggles out from my hold. “Seriously, Hayles, it wasn’t like that. I actually drove by your house to see if you would go with me.”

She still doesn’t relax. “Did you tell her?”

“What?”

“About us. That we’re together.”

I drop my eyes and shake my head, fingering the tatt on my wrist. “I… I tried.”

Silence. Like too long silence.
She stands up, pulling the sleeves down on her hoodie.

“What does it mean?”

Her voice is soft. Not mad, not sad, just passive. And it sucks.

“What does what mean?”

She points at my wrist. “Your tattoo.”

I scratch the back of my neck, wantin’ to close the distance between me and Hayles, but I can’t. Not after this crap.

“You got it for her, didn’t you?”

Again, no anger, no sadness, just a ‘who gives a crap?’ attitude.

“It was a while ago, Hayles. It’s not for her anymore.”

“Then what does it mean?”

I finally unfreeze, close t
he distance between us and wrap
her in my arms. She doesn’t hug me back. “They are symbols of devotion,” I whisper into her hair. “I don’t want to be like my… my real dad. I made a promise I’d never hurt someone like he hurt my mom.”

“Or like your brother hurt Quynn.”

She says it into my chest and tries to pull away. I don’t let her.

“Please, Hayles, I can’t… I just didn’t know how to…”

“You still like her.” She forces herself out of my hold. “I knew you did. And please, don’t be sorry or try to convince me that you don’t. I don’t regret anything we did. You’ve given me a lot, Brody. You’re a g
ood… friend. And that’s all I expected from you.
”

“No.” No. No. No. “You’ve got it wrong. I love
you
.” I see it in her eyes. She’s closin’ off. She’s disappearin’. She’s leavin’. And I can’t stop her. What do I say to stop her? To make her realize? To get her to understand? “Don’t leave. Don’t run away from this.”

Her eyes narrow, and finally some emotion erupts out of her. It’s not a good one, but at least it’s somethin’.

“Stop lying to me! Stop trying to get me to believe you’ve chosen me over her. I’m not the girl guys go after. Especially guys like you. I knew that. I
knew
it! And I let myself fall for you anyway. I let you convince me you were better than all of them, but you’re not. You’re the same.”

Heat shoots through my chest and I can’t take it a
nymore.
I’m yellin’ back at her as she goes for the door.
“It’s not me, Hayles. I’ve been honest. I do love you, but you won’t let me. You’re lookin’ for ways out of this ‘cause it’s easier for you. Closin’ off ‘cause you don’t want to get hurt, but you know, you’re missin’ out on somethin’ real. Me. You. Us. That’s
real
. Stop blamin’ me, your mom, your weight, or whatever other delusion you have about me and Quynn. You are the one who’s keepin’ us apart. Not me.”

Her eyes are watering, and I want to eat all the words I’ve just said. She sniffles and says between hitched breaths, “I… gave… you…
all
of me. I let you in
.” She sniffs again, opens the door and steps out onto the porch.
“And you can’t even tell her you’re with me. You can’t tell anyone about me. I bet your best friend doesn’t even know.” She pauses to wipe more tears from her face. Tears I wish I hadn’t put there. “You can’t let her go.”

It’s quiet between us. I don’t know what to say to make her feel better. Don’t know what she’s thinkin’. She’s right. She knows it. But I’m right too.

Aren’t I?

“I was telling the truth when I said I don’t regret anything between us. You gave me the best few weeks of my life. I’m glad you were my first… everything.”

She’s sayin’ goodbye. No. No. No.

“Hayley, don’t—”

“You deserve someone who you can brag about to your friends. Someone who’s not embarrassing to be with. Someone who you want to shout out to the world you love them.” She gulps. “It’s just not me.”

Before I can argue, before I can do anythin’, she turns and leaves, huddling into the hoodie I gave her last night.

I should chase after her. That’s what they want, right? Girls always want the guy to chase them down and beg and plead to take them back.

Instead I fall on the porch steps, bury my face, and let go of the first tears I’ve ever cried over a girl.

Reason 25
:
When you’re pissed at me, I turn into a depressed slob who can’t stop listenin’ to that pop crap

It’s the ass room again. I did go to that party, came home and crashed on the bed and stayed there till Mom and Dad came home. It’s amazin’
how
in the course of twenty-four hours, my room is stock full of dirty laundry and pizza boxes.

And I don’t give a shit.

The whole time at the party I wanted to tell Quynn. I wanted to be straight with her.
I’m with Hayley. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.
But the words never came out. ‘Cause I’m not with Hayles. Not anymore. Or was I ever?

So I drank myself into a stupor
,
and I’ve spent all day burpin’ up pizza and garlic bread, and listenin’ to Katy Perry on repeat.

“I’m never leaving you alone again.” Mom comes in and whips open the window. I groan and throw the pillow over my head. “Have you even left this room today?”

“Just to piss,” I mumble into the mattress. They took a cab home since I didn’t get my ass out of bed to pick ‘em up like I’d planned. I was goin’ to have Hayley come with me, but that was before things went to the crapper.

The pillow gets ripped off my head.

“Uh oh.” Mom goes to sit on my bed, but
changes her mind when she spot
s a pizza slice stuck to the sheets. “Um…” She swallows back whatever chunks rose in her throat. “What happened, honey?”

Not goin’ to talk about this with my mom. So I give her a “Nothin’” and turn my face back into the mattress.

“Don’t you dare lie to me. I’d throw a tomato in your face, but right now I doubt it would do anything.”

She’s right. I may puke, but I puked all mornin’, so I couldn’t give a
damn
right now.

“Did something happen with Gabe?”

I shake my head, but it gives me a headache so I stop.

“Quynn?”

“Ma, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“So it
is
about Quynn.”

I grab the back of my head and try to force my face farther into the bed. It’s not doin’ anythin’ though. Just makin’ my temples ache. Doesn’t hurt as much as what’s goin’ on in my chest though.

“She’ll come around. She’s always liked you.”

“It’s not that, Mom. Please, just leave it alone.”

“You know I won’t do that.”

Why is it so hard? Why is it hard to talk about Hayley in a ‘more than friends’ way?

I know why. I just don’t want to admit it even to myself. Because it would make me a dumbass. A hypocritical dumbass.

I don’t want to see the look on people’s faces when I tell them I’m in love with the… FFF.

But this is Mom. She’ll keep pushin’ and pushin’ till I’ve leaked out all my insides.

“It’s not Quynn.” I turn around so I’m talkin’ to the ceiling. “It’s Hayley.”

“Oh!”

Her shock whenever I say Hayley’s name is gettin’ old. And I won’t look at her. I don’t want to see her expression.

“Come on, Mom. You had to have figured out I liked her.”

“Actually, honey, I didn’t. You never talked about her really. Just referred to her as a friend, a signing partner. I haven’t even officially met her yet. Only saw her from a distance
,
and she didn’t seem like your type of girl.”

My forehead crinkles
,
and I look at her. “What do you mean by that?” I’m snappin’. This is why I didn’t want to say anythin’.

She shrugs and waves her hand through the air. “Ah, nothing. Just first impression.”

After watchin’ her for a few seconds, tryin’ to figure out if she’s lyin’ to me, I give up and put my head back down on the pillows.

“She’s amazin’. Been through a bunch of crap, but still manages to be just so… awesome. She’s fun, funny, it’s never a
wkward around her. All the crap
with Gabe, with my grades, all the other stuff goin’ on that sucks, just goes away when I’m around her. I’m a better person when I’m with her. Less angry.”

It’s quiet, except for Mom’s breathin’ and me tryin’ to push back the tears I thought I had cried out already.

“I messed up. I was too afraid to tell Quynn about her. Too scared to tell anyone about her. I don’t know why.”

I sit up, leaning my elbows on my knees. “I love her, Mom. How do I fix it?”

She gives me a big grin. One of those, ‘silly boy, the answer is starin’ you in the face’ smiles. A Mom smile.

“That’s easy, hun.”

“It is?”

She nods. “You’ve already done what she needs from you.”

“I have?”

“You told
me
about her.” She come
s to the side of my bed and rubs
my arm. I don’t shrug her off. “All she wants is to know you’re in this one-hundred percent before she lets go completely.
Girls are very protective of their hearts. They
need to know their guy won’t be ashamed to show them off, kiss them
in public, and of course, she needs to know you’re over any… old flames.”

She pinches my elbow. I pull it back and give her a glare.

“If you can’t tell Quynn about Hayley, then maybe you don’t love her as much as you think you do.”

Ouch, Mom. But, crap
, she’s right.

I nod and scrape off the pizza stuck to my sheets and throw it in an empty box on the floor. Mom makes a face before grabbing the garbage and gettin’ to the doorway.

“Oh, and honey?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t peg you for a Katy Perry fan.” She ducks out the door as my pillow goes flyin’ across the room at her.