Reason to Breathe (42 page)

“Just tired.” I played it off by stretching
my back - feeling horrible that he had picked up on my evasion.

“Too tired to be alone with me?” he whispered
in my ear. I grinned; the warmth of his breath erased every
insecurity that had disturbed me throughout the night. I turned my
head, and he met me with a gentle kiss on the lips.

“Well?” he urged. I continued grinning,
allowing the warmth to rush through me. He kissed me again,
lingering a little longer while wrapping his arm around my waist to
pull me closer.

Someone cleared her throat behind us. I
pulled back and looked toward the noise to find Katie standing a
few feet behind us. I sat up in surprise.

“Drew, could I talk to you a minute?” Katie
asked innocently, swaying slightly with her hands on her hips and a
flirtatious grin upon her face.

Drew sighed and looked to me. I shrugged,
allowing him to decide if he wanted to talk to her.

“Sure,” he said slowly and got up to follow
her to a vacant spot leaning against the window in front of the
dining room table.

I sunk into the couch, my twisting stomach
kept me from watching. After a few minutes, Drew returned appearing
bemused.

“Everything okay?” I asked, without really
wanting to know the answer.

“Just wasn’t expecting that,” Drew admitted,
with a distant look in his eye.

I couldn’t ask him to explain, but his answer
was unsettling. Now I
did
want to know what Katie said. He
noticed when I tensed away, and he reached for my hand.

“It’s a long story,” he said dismissively.
That didn’t help.

“I think a few people are going in the hot
tub downstairs,” Drew offered. “Are you interested?”

“Not really,” I replied, wanting more than
ever to put the twisting discomfort behind me and go to my
room.

“You really just want to go to bed, don’t
you?”

“I do,” I confessed. “Sorry.”

“That’s fine. It’s really late.” Then he
hesitated before he asked, “Could I lay with you?”

I stopped breathing. I definitely wasn’t
expecting that.

“I don’t think that would be a great
idea.”

“You’re probably right,” he conceded. “Can I
at least tuck you in?”

I grinned at the offer. “I think that would
be okay.”

Drew followed me to find Sara so that I could
get the key. She looked at Drew behind me and raised her eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, dismissing her silent
insinuation. I knew that anyone who saw Drew follow me to the room
would assume the same thing. With everything that had already
happened and been misinterpreted tonight, I was beyond caring about
it anymore.

Drew sat in a white chair in the room, while
I prepared for bed in the bathroom. I emerged with my teeth
brushed, face washed, wearing a pair of striped boxer shorts and a
fitted tank top. Drew grinned, probably because he was seeing more
of me than he’d seen so far.

I slipped under the covers of the bed as he
locked the door.

“So no one walks in and assumes anything,” he
offered in response to my inquisitive look.

“You’re just tucking me in, remember?”

Drew smirked.

“Good night,” he whispered, leaning over to
kiss my lips. He hesitated ever so slightly before his lips touched
mine so that I could feel the heat of his breath. I inhaled softly
as the tickle of his breath started to rouse the swirls in my head.
His soft lips pressed against mine, and he kept them there long
enough for my head to fill with the whirling sensation before he
pulled away. I kept my eyes closed and breathed the slightest
audible moan, unaware that I’d released the sound.

Before I could open my eyes, he was there
again, finding me, but with much more energy and need. I returned
the enthusiasm, wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling him
closer. He lowered himself over me, on top of the blankets,
continuing to find my urgent lips. He kissed down the slope of my
neck, and I arched to meet him. My body was so caught up in the
intoxicating warmth and hunger that I couldn’t think. I could only
respond to the pulsing that pulled me to him.

My breath escaped in gasps as he slipped
under the covers, and I could feel him so much closer. I tasted the
salt along his neck, my lips finding the spot below his ear. His
breath accelerated, and he pushed harder against me, sliding his
hand under the back of my tank top. A sobering shock tried to wake
me when his tensed body pressed into me, warning me to slow
down.

Drew ran his other hand along the back of my
thigh and stopped under my knee, hitching it around him. The
excited warmth racing through me collided with the sobering alarm
going off in my head. I pulled away and took a breath, trying to
listen. He held himself over me, looking down in attempt to
understand my withdrawal. He leaned in to kiss me again, but I
turned my head.

“Need a minute,” I explained.

“Yeah,” he sighed, pushing off me and sitting
on the edge of the bed.

He turned toward me and asked, “Do you want
me to leave?” His green eyes searched mine eagerly. I grinned and
shook my head.

I interrupted him as he was about to pull
back the blanket, “But you should.” He nodded slowly, his eyes
sinking with disappointment.

“Goodnight,” he offered, leaning forward to
kiss me.

“I think you did that already,” I replied
with a grin, stopping him before he got too close. “Goodnight.”

Drew slowly stood and went to the door. He
looked back at me one final time, hesitating long enough for me to
consider changing my mind, before he closed it behind him.

Waiting for my pulsing body to recover, I
couldn’t even think about sleeping.

Just as I was falling asleep, a thud on the
door stirred me. Sara was adamantly saying good night presumably to
the local guy she just met. I wanted to slink under the covers when
I heard her sliding against the door with heavy breaths and moans.
After a few more low thuds, Sara finally entered with a promise to
call him. I had my back to her and feigned sleep. I’d
heard
enough of the details of her night and really didn’t want to talk
about mine, so I didn’t respond when she asked if I was awake.
Eventually, sleep found me.

~~~~~

In the early hours of the morning, I was
confronted with the same images of Evan on the cliff. This time I
saw his face before I fell, and he looked so angry. I pleaded with
him as he drifted away.

“Em?” Sara groaned half asleep. “Are you
crying?”

The room was dark, with daylight hidden
behind custom blinds. I lay in the bed, my enlarged eyes
frantically searching around the unfamiliar room. The tears slid
along my temples, and sweat pasted the sheet to my body. I eased up
to sit, my heartbeat slowing to its intended pace.

“You called out his name,” Sara stated,
rolling onto her side to look at me.

“Who’s name?”

“Evan’s.”

The sadness of the dream returned to me. I
wiped the tears from my face.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

I didn’t say anything.

“You could always call him, you know.”

I shook my head. “No I can’t,” I whispered. I
got out of bed and entered the bathroom, closing the door behind
me.

28.
The Truth

Somehow
I lived through the rumors of what didn’t happen between Drew and
me. I was mortified when one of the girls from the basketball team
asked, in front of everyone in the locker room, if Drew and I had
sex at Kelli’s. Jill tried to defend me, and it worked for the most
part with my teammates, but it didn’t have the same result with the
rest of the school. No one else asked me to my face, but I heard
the whispers when I walked down the halls. Sara’s urging me to
“just ignore them” only confirmed what they were whispering
about.

I wasn’t invisible anymore, and there was no
point in trying to fade away again. More people recognized my
promotion in the social hierarchy and were bold enough to try to
talk to me. At first it was just small talk, to which I awkwardly
responded with short answers. Then I was invited to parties and out
with a group of people I would never have known if they hadn’t
approached me. I always deferred to Sara to plan our weekends.

I remained trepidatious with my ghostly
comings and goings through the house. I didn’t know how long my
absence was going to be accepted without an explanation of where I
was coming from and going to. My stomach still dropped at the sound
of her voice, anticipating the moment she’d notice me again. But as
the month progressed, I was still just an occupant in their home,
without any expectations besides the Saturday morning chores.

I missed seeing Leyla and Jack. I heard their
voices in the distance, but rarely saw them. I convinced myself
that this was better for them - that way there wouldn’t be a chance
of my world disrupting theirs again. It made the hurt more
bearable, especially when I’d hear Leyla’s excited stories from
behind the closed door of my room.

During the first week of February, Anna and
Carl announced that they were taking Sara and I to California
during our school break to visit colleges. My coach arranged
meetings with a few schools that were interested in me. Carl spoke
with George to approve the trip, which I’m sure raked under Carol’s
skin. I hoped retribution wasn’t waiting for me when we
returned.

Sara was beyond excited with thoughts of us
going to college together in California. I was thrilled as well,
doing everything to ignore the fact that we were going to be in the
same state – actually staying in the same city - as Evan.

His nightly hauntings became less frequent. I
would think I finally escaped him, just to cry out in the night,
propelled back to the dark bedroom sobbing. Sara stopped asking
about the nightmares. She’d silently watch me recover from the bed
across from me.

It was hard to heal when I saw my brokenness
in streaks of red and orange displayed on the wall of the Art room.
Ms. Mier praised that it was my best piece yet and said she was
proud of my honesty. I absorbed her words without reaction. I’d
hoped that releasing it on the canvas would help me move on, but I
knew I was never going to put him behind me.

I allowed my heart to remain silent. It
continued to ignore Drew’s touch. But I embraced the warmth he
ignited within the rest of me and the enrapturing swirls of
excitement that clouded my head whenever we had a moment alone
together.

It was easy to get lost in the breathing and
kissing. But over time, the urgency increased. His hands wandered
more, seeking the touch of my skin, gradually inching up or down. I
felt like I was constantly redirecting his creeping hands and
trailing lips. He wouldn’t say anything, but I knew he was hoping
I’d just give in and stop resisting. Instead of talking about it, I
started to avoid being alone with him.

My evasiveness roused a wave of guilt. I
tried convincing myself that it was because I wasn’t ready, and it
had nothing to do with Drew. We didn’t have another conversation
about our relationship after Kelli’s party. We never discussed our
feelings or expectations.

I took what we had at face value. We liked to
be around each other. We easily found something to talk about, and
he still made me laugh without much effort. The public affection
and the moments of breathlessness confirmed our attraction to each
other. So what was there to talk about?

“You still like me, right?” Drew asked while
we sat on the couch in Sara’s entertainment room. Sara and Jill had
gone to the store, and we were waiting for a couple of Drew’s
friends to arrive for a night of horror movies. We had decided to
stay in since our flight left for California first thing in the
morning.

“Of course I do,” I answered in alarm, my
stomach dropping at the unprovoked question. I gently pushed his
foot with mine as I sat facing him on the couch with my back
against the arm. “Where did that come from?”

Drew shrugged, but remained serious. I tried
to connect with him, to make him smile, but he avoided looking at
me. I was so confused.

“So, why don’t you want to be alone with me
anymore?” he asked after a moment of silence.

I sat up straighter, suddenly fearing where
this was going.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You seem to always find an excuse. If you
like me, then why don’t you want to be with me?”

I didn’t respond, knowing what he was really
asking

Drew leaned forward and grabbed my calves,
pulling me across the couch, draping my legs over his. He put his
arms around my waist and inched me closer until our faces were less
than a foot apart. The entire move happened so quickly, I didn’t
have time to react.

“I want more from you,” he stated softly,
gently brushing his lips against mine. “I want you to want me too.
I want you to need to be with me as much as I need to be with
you.”

He pressed his lips to mine, lingering. I
could feel his breath quicken. I listened in shock to what he was
really asking me, too panicked by his words to feel his lips.

“I know you want me,” he whispered, our lips
inches apart.

When I still didn’t kiss him, he pulled his
head back to look me in the eye. Concern washed over his face.

“You don’t?” he asked cautiously, slowly
sitting back against the arm of the couch.

I couldn’t answer. My hesitation caused him
to narrow his eyes, examining my stunned face. He looked away, not
liking what he saw.

“Hey!” Jill exclaimed when she and Sara
reached the landing.

I quickly pushed myself off of his lap and
scooted to the other side of the couch. Drew forced a smile to
greet Sara and Jill. Jill began loading the small upstairs fridge
with beers. I stood from the couch and offered to help get things
together in the kitchen. Sara tossed Drew the remote and told him
he was in charge of picking the first movie.