Reason Is You (9781101576151) (32 page)

“Seriously, I’ve got this,” I said.

“You keep missing the same spot and it’s bugging me.”

I gave up and let her make me pretty. “So, what are you doing tonight while Mommy’s out having a meltdown?”

“Grady’s helping Miss O with some stuff, so I’ll probably go over there or just watch TV or something.” She finished that level andpulled another clip down. “And don’t have a meltdown, you’ll messup the outfit.”

I debated whether to walk or drive. It was close enough, but the fifteen-minute walk to Ella’s would have me arriving a sweating un-fresh mess, so I opted to drive the silly thirty seconds instead. I laughed when I saw his car, especially since his was about ten. But when I got out and walked up to the boardwalk, I wasn’t laughing. I was looking for my tongue.

Jason stood leaned up against the building, arms crossed, wearing dark tight jeans and a black button-down that was a little snug on his upper arms, freshly shaven and looking good enough to lick banana pudding off of. Even better was his expression when he saw me.

He pushed off the wall and looked me up and down like I was chocolate. Or maybe that was my perspective. Him being a guy and all, it was probably more like prime rib.

“Hey,” I said, trying to sound casual.

“Hey.”

I blinked and licked my lips when his gaze didn’t waver. “You’re staring.”

“You’re stunning.”

I willed my knees not to buckle and mentally thanked Riley. “Well, back atcha.”

There was a thickly charged moment in which I thought my blood might catch fire, then he finally said, “Hungry?”

Not even if it had been a month of tree bark and seawater. “Sure.” I gestured toward the door. “You waited out here for me.”

“I asked you here. I’m not gonna make you walk in there alone.”

His hand came up under my hair and rested on the back of my neck as we walked in. Looking like a couple, my girly mind squealed. Micah looked up from a clipboard and did a double take. Giving me a small smile, she grabbed a bucket and two menus.

“Hi, Ms. Shane. Y’all eating here?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Band’s playing tonight. Want a table in there?”

Did I? Dancing close to Jason would be so good. Rowdy crowd—not so much. But it was Monday. How rowdy could a Monday be?

“Sure,” he said. I guessed he was hoping for a grope, too.

I followed Micah, feelings of trepidation washing over me mixed with excitement over being with Jason. What were the odds that we could ignore all that mess and just start from right now? We sat and Micah hovered for a second.

“Um,” she began, her eyes moving from me to her hands and back again. “Just so you know—” She looked around her. “My mom might be here later with her friends.”

Great.

“Okay.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Jason said, opening a menu.

“I just—I don’t like how she is sometimes and I’m sorry for all that.”

I smiled at her. “It’s okay, Micah. Thank you.”

She left, and unfortunately that put Jason and me right smack in the middle of the crap I had wanted most to avoid. I saw it in his face. He put down the menu he wasn’t really reading since he knew it by heart, waved down the waitress, ordered us two beers, and sat back to look at me.

I met his intense gaze and tried to appear calm, to breathe normally. I refused to just start babbling. He was going to have to lead this show.

“Damn, you’re beautiful tonight,” he said, his voice low like he wasn’t sure it was out loud. Heat rushed to my head and made me dizzy. Wasn’t expecting that. “I’m—you know I’m not good with words. But I’ve gotta tell you, I forgot how to breathe when you walked up.”

A nervous laugh fell out of my mouth. “No, that’s—pretty good.”

“Made all my thoughts leave me for a minute, so bear with me if I ramble.”

My heart was thumping so hard, I had to take a deep breath and let it out slow. “Say whatever you want. I know—you have questions.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head, as if trying to get the jumble back in order. “I don’t even know what to ask you, because I don’t know if I have the right to know.” He toyed with a spoon in front of him. “I guess that’s my dilemma in a nutshell.”

Okay, wasn’t sure where to go with that. “What is?”

“What are we doing? Because if we’re gonna be together, I have a son who will eventually ask questions, and I need to know what the hell is going on.” He looked at me hard. “And even if Connor doesn’t ask, I need to know anyway.”

I took a breath. “Okay.”

“Unless we’re not together,” he added quickly. “And that’s a
question. Because I feel like we are, but if we aren’t, then I guess you don’t have to tell me anything.”

I suddenly felt sweaty from the rambling outpour. My beer arrived and I took a swallow gratefully, letting the icy bitterness sink through me. I took another deep breath and blew it out.

“I’ve been hoping we still were.”

“Then why didn’t I know any of this?”

“Because I—I’ve never been able to do that. I mean, Riley’s dad was around for a year, I
lived
with him, and he never knew. I don’t go around inviting reasons for people to push me away.”

Jason frowned. “Is that what you think I would do?”

“Where have you been this week?”

His expression relaxed and he looked down. “Okay. Touché. I’m sorry.” He took a long swig of his beer. “Can you tell me about it, now?”

I looked in his eyes for a moment. “I’ve never done this.”

He leaned forward on his elbows. “Relax.”

I smiled involuntarily and averted my eyes, feeling some of the stress recede. Just relax. Let it all tumble out. Good lord.

“When people die, sometimes they don’t leave just yet. And for some reason, I can see them. They come to me on their way to other places. I don’t know why.” I picked up a napkin and began tearing tiny strips. “When I was little, I didn’t realize that other people couldn’t see them, too, so I became the town freak, talking to people who weren’t there.”

I looked up and saw some puzzle pieces fall into place for him.

“And now?

I gave a small shrug. “It’s a small town, Jason. Most people just avoided me growing up, but Matty and Blaine and that crowd—they were the worst. They had to get in my face every day.” I laughed bitterly. “Well, you’ve seen that hasn’t changed much.”

“I’m sorry, Dani.”

His eyes were soft and sincere. “I’m used to it. It’s Riley I’m concerned about.”

“And she can do this, too?”

I nodded. “But I didn’t know that till the day we got here. I never saw it till—till she saw an old friend of mine.” I swallowed hard.

He blew out a breath. “The guy in the river.”

I met his eyes. “I know this is a lot to process. I know it’s hard to buy into.”

“It probably would have been. But I saw it.”

“And I can’t even explain that, because—I haven’t talked to him since.”

He rubbed his face. “Talked to him—see that’s the—is this all the time?”

I felt my heart sink, and I sat back and traced lines in the condensation on my mug. “Jason, if this is too much to deal with, I get it. I’ve been alone for most of my life for that reason. I understand. Really.”

“No, you don’t get it.”

The sharpness in his tone made me look back up.

“Dani, did you hear me earlier? I wouldn’t be sitting here if it was too much. Truth is, you scare the hell out of me.”

“What?”

“And long before Superman came up out of the waves, believe me. Nothing to do with that. What terrifies me are secrets.”

Okay, Dad, I hear you.

“It’s been a long time since I trusted anyone. But I’ve let myself trust you. With my son. With—” He stopped and took another swallow. “I just don’t do that. And that scared me, already. Now, finding out that the woman I’m—that you have this whole life I didn’t even know about.”

“I’m sorry. Look, I understand not trusting. I’ve never been able
to do that. Ever.” I sat back in my chair and scooped my hair back. “This isn’t like saying ‘hey, I used to shoplift candy bars.’ People don’t understand this. They’d rather burn me at the stake than try. My whole life has been a secret.”

He was quiet for a minute. “And now?”

I looked around the room. “Now, it’s everybody’s business.” I waved a hand. “And I’m not blaming my dad. He’d had enough. He’s seen and heard so much crap because of me, it was time.” I closed my eyes. “I just don’t want Riley to have the life I did.”

“Maybe it not being a secret anymore will help.”

I shook my head. “Closed minds will stay closed. I’m not naïve.”

“Hey, Dani,” someone said to my right, and I turned to see a woman and her husband passing on their way to the bar. Her smile was open and I recognized her from the bait store. They both raised a hand. Wow.

I turned back to see amusement in his eyes. “What?”

“Maybe they aren’t so closed.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Don’t let them fool you.”

He leaned forward. “Don’t let them in, right? Because they might fool you?” He reached for my hand, and his was warm. “I know that game, too. It’s safe, but it’s pretty lonely there.”

I opened my mouth but there weren’t words. He knew me. Somehow, he knew me. And was blindly trusting someone for probably the first time in his life, and look at the circus he chose to start that with.

“You’re right. And Jason, it was never that I didn’t trust you. We’re just new. I wanted this so badly, and I—I was so afraid you wouldn’t want me back anymore.”

He leaned closer across the table. “You have no idea just how much I want you.”

The double entendre made me relax and smile. “You know what I mean.”

“And you don’t have to worry,” he said, sitting back. “But I’m curious, if all this hadn’t come to light like it did, would you have told me?”

No.

“Yes.” I laughed lightly. “With two of us talking to thin air, I think it would have been hard to hide long term.”

“And Alex?” My insides tensed at just the mention of his name. Jason’s eyes recorded it all, and the playfulness pulled back as he nodded. “That’s what I’m talking about. Dani, that’s the same response, the same look in your eyes as the other night when you saw him.” He rubbed his eyes, and then let his hands fall to the table. “I’m honest with you. What are you still hiding?”

I felt the burn in my throat, in my chest, in my eyes. Alex was hard to talk about. And to tell him everything?

“Alex is—”

“Are you ready to order?”

My thoughts were interrupted by the jovial, round-faced girl standing next to us.

“Bring us some chips for now, we’re not ready yet,” Jason said quickly. The girl bounced away on her chiply mission.

I inhaled sharply and tried to clear my head. My napkin was beginning to look like it had gone through a shredder. I focused on the fibers, not able to look at Jason while I talked about Alex. I just couldn’t.

“I met Alex when I was sixteen,” I said softly. “After Carson and Matty and their buddies tried to pass me around as a party favor one night.”

“What?”

I lifted a hand to wave it off. “Carson acted all nice and invited me, then they got me drunk and tried—well, they tried. I wasn’t drunk enough.” I felt the testosterone level rise in the air, but I didn’t look up. “Alex was at my car and wouldn’t let me drive
home. We got to be friends that night.” I smiled. “My only friend. Didn’t matter that he was a spirit, he was all I had.”

“So he’s looked out for you all these years?”

How deep to go?
“Yeah.”

“What else?”

“What?

“I can tell there’s more.” He sat looking so patient. Damn it.

I was his wife in another life.
“He died—” My chest got tight. “He and his family died in a storm very much like—the other day.” I felt my resolve go down and my voice with it. “He drowned trying to hold his little girl above the water.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.” I couldn’t look at Jason. I focused on keeping myself together.

“And since then, he’s been keeping
you
above water.”

I looked at him and my eyes filled with tears. God, I’d never thought about it like that.

“I guess so.”

“So saving Riley from drowning—”

My tears spilled over and I tried to say it. I tried to say that it was significant. That he saved another of my children, that there was more to it than that, but I couldn’t form the words. The emotion overwhelmed me like a flood coming up from my core. I put a hand over my face and tried with all I had to stop it.

Jason got up and came to sit by me, putting his arms around me. “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, pulling me to him. “Baby, it’s okay.”

I wanted to crawl in a hole, crying like that on a date. No wonder I never had any. But bringing that up had opened a door that I couldn’t close. He pulled my hand away from my face and made me look at him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

“Oh God,
I’m
sorry.” He thought he’d done it. I clenched my fists and tried to think of Shelby or Matty or things that would make me mad so I’d quit. I wiped at my eyes and tried to laugh. “Not looking so hot, now, huh?”

He pulled my face to his and kissed me, soft and tender. And again. And again. Till all my muscles were relaxed and I was mush.

“I think you’re gorgeous,” he whispered against my lips. The sensation sent tingles to every nerve ending. He leaned back a bit so he could look at me. “I get it, okay? You don’t have to explain anymore. I know how close we came to losing her.”

And saying “we” was just about the coolest, most endearing thing he could say to me. But there was no way for him to really understand, while I kept him out of that particular loop. It was about Riley, but also about Alyssa. About Alex. About Sarah. About my lifelong connection with a man I could never have but would always be tied to because of her. I couldn’t say any of that. I could only grab on to the Riley issue and ride that out, because the truth was I was falling for him big-time. And telling him the truth about Alex would drive him away, no matter what he said earlier. Jason was stealing my heart and I wanted him to.

“You saved her, too.” I touched his face and watched his eyes flicker. “You were my hero, too. He pulled her out and you breathed life back into her.” I felt my eyes burn again. “And if we keep talking about this, I’m gonna cry all night.”