Ready to Love Again (Sweet Romance #2) (6 page)

Chapter Eight

My week was going downhill fast. My mother, Laura, had done nothing but complain. Where I was living wasn’t up to her standards—well, that one was obvious—I hated the place but needed the money from the sale of the house. She had cleaned from top to bottom. I tried telling her I had done it all when I moved in but that wasn’t good enough for her. I cleaned every day after work and nothing was dirty but my mother suffers from mild OCD and her compulsion is to clean.

I let her have at it. After all, it would keep her too busy to do much talking or complaining. Or so I thought.

Friday rolled around and as usual, it was my night-in with Clark.

I tried telling Mom that Clark was just a friend but as soon as he arrived, she grilled him about his “intentions” towards her daughter.

I was going to cancel and see him another night but Mom had insisted I shouldn’t change my plans because of her arrival.

Clark brought
Legion
as our DVD and chose to order Chinese takeaway.

We couldn’t really sit in one room to watch it while Mom sat in another because I only had the one room, so Mom and I shared the couch while Clark settled down on the floor by my legs.

It was a pretty good film although I wasn’t sure I liked the ending.

Mom had fallen asleep next to me, which I’m sure Clark was more than happy about considering the way she had questioned him when he arrived.

As the credits rolled, Mom stirred and shot me a look when she saw Clark had his head on my lap—it wasn’t really on my lap as such, just resting slightly against me—but it was enough for her to start to wonder if we had been lying about only being friends.

I shook my head slightly at her, silently pleading with her not to prod any further. When I got her alone, I would tell her that no-one would ever replace Ethan, but I didn’t want to talk about him in front of Clark.

“So, darling, how has it been since moving?” she asked in her usual—what I refer to as—motherly drawl.

“Well, I have a good job but I would prefer to find a new place to live once I get the money. I have met a couple of nice friends and the area seems nice.”

“The sale of the house should be complete any day now.” She smiled at me as if to say thank goodness.

“Well, that’s great. I can’t wait to get a decent place.” I perked up a little, knowing the money would get me out of this shithole.

“You’ll stay in this area though, won’t you?” Clark asked, sounding a little bothered that I might not be so close to him anymore.

“She’ll probably want to move to a nicer area,” my mother said to Clark.

“What’s wrong with Brockwood?” he asked, looking a bit taken aback.

“Nothing dear, it’s just…well…it’s so…” It didn’t seem as though she knew a polite word to insert.

Delicate was not Laura Jenson’s forte. Never had been and never would be.

“It’s so what?” Clark asked, looking between my mother and me.

“Well, it seems like one of the rougher neighbourhoods.”

“Mother!” I admonished. “There’s nothing wrong with Brockwood and if there’s a nice house round here to buy, then this is where I’ll stay.”

“Oh darling, you should move somewhere with a bit more class.”

Clark looked at my mother and I could see the hurt written on his face. He had lived here since childhood and this was where his business was.

“A bit more class?” I asked, frustrated with how rude she could be.

“Yes. Somewhere that you’ll have a better class of people. You can make new friends, get a new job…”

“Mother! How dare you!”

“Pardon, dear? Is that not what you want? To have a career and a nice home? You should aspire to greater heights. I mean, I know you moved here because this place was cheap, but money won’t be an issue once the house sells.”

“Actually, I happen to love this area. I’ve made friends. I have a perfectly good job. I don’t think you have any right to judge, based on the fact that you have only been here five minutes and you haven’t even been anywhere in Brockwood except for here. Yes, this place itself is a shithole, but once I buy a nice house and car, I’ll be set here. I’m staying and nothing you say will change my mind. I’m a grown ass woman who can make decisions for herself, thank you very much.”

Why do mothers always think they know best? Who was she to try making my decisions for me?

Just when I was sure I couldn’t take anymore and it couldn’t get much worse, she went in for the kill.

“You lived in a much nicer area and had a beautiful house, money, clothes—everything a girl could want when you were married, Alyssa. Why wouldn’t you want the same now?”

“Mother!” I exclaimed. “How dare you. I had everything I wanted, did I? I will have you know that I would gladly have given all that up to have just one more minute with Ethan. In fact, I did. I sold everything we owned to pay his hospital bills. Now I’m selling my home because I have nothing left.”

I could see the confusion on Clark’s face. I hadn’t told him about Ethan or the fact that I had been married and was now a widow.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know, it was just that it was still so fresh and painful that I liked being in the company of people who didn’t know. It was why I had moved so far away from home in the first place. People who knew treated me differently, they walked on eggshells around me. That wasn’t what I wanted. I had needed this fresh start to have the chance to be me. Back home, I couldn’t be myself anymore. Everywhere I went, everyone knew about Ethan and all I could see in their eyes was pity. Pity was not something I wanted, nor needed.

“But Alyssa, you had it all. Now, here you are in this dump and what? You feel better?”

“Yes, Mother, I feel better. I moved away to start fresh. I wanted to be somewhere that I didn’t know, somewhere I was free to be myself again. Back home, all the buildings reminded me of Ethan and the time we shared. The people all pitied the young widow whose husband had been so poorly for so long. Here, no-one knows my story and I like it that way.”

“But you had friends back home, Alyssa. You had family. You up and left us all to travel hundreds of miles from home. You can’t escape the memories just because you live somewhere new and choose not to tell people your story. People can’t be your friends if they don’t know everything about you. You’re living a lie.”

“That’s quite enough, Mother. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to leave.”

“At this time of night? Just where do you think I would go?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that I need you to get your things together and go. Go to a motel for the night, go home, I don’t care where—you just can’t be here.”

The look of shock written on her face showed that I had, in fact, insulted her. She thought she was trying to help, but all she was doing was making things worse. How dare she travel all this way to see me just to slag off where I was living, my choice of job—a job she knew nothing about because she hadn’t asked—and my choice of friends.

“Fine. I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll find a motel for the night and get back on the road home first thing tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to mail you the cheque for the house sale, you won’t have to see me again.”

“It’s not like that, Mother!”

I wanted her to know I loved her but not her meddling ways. Now my big mouth had dropped me in it.

“No, no, that’s just fine, Alyssa,” she said, waving her hand around as she always had when she was flustered or annoyed.

She reached for the door handle but Clark stepped in her path.

“I don’t really know what’s gone on here, ladies. I will admit I am confused, but one thing I do know is you don’t just throw family out in the middle of the night in an area they are not accustomed to,” Clark said as he barred my mother’s way out. “You can either settle this like adults now or your mom can stay the night at mine, Alyssa. But whichever it is, you will talk it out tonight or tomorrow.”

“Clark, stay out of this.”

I knew he was only trying to help but my mother was stubborn to the last and she wouldn’t be able to let this go tonight. And as the saying goes ‘like mother, like daughter’—we’re two peas in a pod.

I didn’t want to see my mother leave town like this, but I wouldn’t apologise for what I had said. I had meant every word. What she seemed to fail to understand is that Ethan had meant everything to me and his death had hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut and I didn’t need her bashing me over the head with that right now.

“Fine, she can stay with you if that’s what you want, Clark. I have no intention of talking this out tonight.”

I folded my arms across my chest because my hands were trembling—part of which could be attributed to the anger coursing through my veins and part because of the feeling of loss all over again. I hadn’t expected my mother to bring up Ethan, especially in company, but then a part of that was my own fault because she didn’t know that I hadn’t told Clark.

Technically, neither of us had done anything wrong, it was just that we were both stubborn mules and refused to cave in.

“Mrs. Jenson, would that be okay? Would you be all right stopping with me for the night?” Clark asked as he reached for her arm.

“Yes, thank you, Clark. You’ll have to excuse my stubborn daughter and me. We weren’t always like this, you know,” she said as she reached out and took the crook of his arm.

“No, Mother, we weren’t, and you’d do well to remember that what you are throwing in my face is my past. The past is where it belongs.”

I looked at my mother, the epitome of beauty, but also the epitome of a woman not to be trifled with. The look in her eyes was dull compared to the normal fire you find there. I knew I would have to find some way of making things right with her, but not at this precise moment.

Chapter Nine

After Clark and my mother left, I had gone to bed. I couldn’t be bothered to get undressed so I had slid under the covers in my clothes. I wrapped the blanket around me like a cocoon. Nothing inside it could do me any harm and nothing outside it could penetrate the shield it formed. I snuggled down and prepared to sleep, feeling mentally drained, but sleep was a long time coming. First came the tears. Warm, salty tears tracing paths down my cheeks. Then came the memories. Flashes of Ethan assaulted my mind. It had been like that for an hour or more before I had finally been able to get to sleep.

“I’ll love you forever, Alyssa Jenson,” Ethan said as he got down on one knee.

We had been together for two years, and right from the start I had known he was ‘the one’. I could see myself marrying him, then settling down and having children.

The ring box was Tiffany blue with a white ribbon around it. I felt a smile split my face in half as he undid the ribbon and proffered the box to me—inside was nestled the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

“Alyssa Rose Jenson, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” Ethan asked, his voice straining to hold back tears.

“Yes!” I squealed as he took the ring from the box and placed it on my finger.

It was a perfect fit and I knew that just like the man who placed it on my finger, it was perfect in every way.

“You have made me the happiest man alive!” Ethan exclaimed as he stood and wrapped his arms around me.

I woke from the dream, disoriented at first. It had been so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch Ethan. What we hadn’t known when we got engaged was that we didn’t have as much time together as we were hoping. We wanted marriage, children, grandchildren, and all the normal things but instead, we got pain, anger, grief and a whole lot of heartache.

I got out of bed and went to the drawer where I kept my engagement and wedding rings. I opened the box and looked at the white gold bands. My heart felt heavy and the beating of it against my chest seemed dull in comparison to normal.

I pulled out the box of cigarettes I kept for nights like this. I opened the window and sat on the windowsill. I pulled a lighter from the box and lit a cigarette. It was a habit I had tried time and again to break and the last time had been successful until Ethan passed away. After that, I started smoking if I woke from a dream or nightmare about him—the kind where it was so tangible I could reach out and caress his cheek.

The bitter wind outside was refreshing on my skin after waking up sweating and tangled in the sheets.

I wished that I hadn’t let my Mother go, but I knew she was safe with Clark. I would make it right with her in the morning, if she would let me.

I put out my cigarette and closed the window. I slid back into bed and it wasn’t long before I drifted back off to sleep, only this time, there were no more dreams about Ethan or the past.

***

Morning arrived and with it came a knock at my front door. I opened it to reveal Clark and my mother brandishing a coffee and a Danish pastry my way.

The hesitant smile on my mother’s face had me reaching out and pulling her to me in a firm but gentle hug.

I didn’t like the thought that I had hurt her in any way, but I couldn’t live my life the way she wanted me to. The past was the past and I wanted a fresh start, but I guess I owed it to my mother to tell her how I felt, and now I owed Clark an explanation because he didn’t have a clue who Ethan was or what my past entailed.

“Good morning, Mother,” I said as I stepped aside to let them in.

“Good morning, Alyssa,” she replied, still a little hesitant.

“Good morning, Clark. Thank you for looking after my mother last night,” I said as I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

“It was my pleasure.”

We sat down and made short work of the delicious Danish pastries and coffee. We ate in comfortable silence.

I didn’t really want to have the uncomfortable conversation with Clark while my mother was around so I decided to tread lightly and only answer questions if he asked them.

“I’m sorry about last night, darling,” my mother said as she finished her coffee along with the last bite of her Danish.

“I’m sorry too, Mom. I really shouldn’t have made you stay elsewhere, you are always welcome here. I just thought that with how stubborn we both are, it would have escalated and I didn’t want that.”

“Nor did I, Alyssa. I didn’t mean to start a row with you, I just want what’s best for my little girl. After all you’ve been through, you deserve some happiness. If you can find or have found that happiness here, then it really is none of my business to tell you to uproot yourself once more.”

“Thank you. I really do have a good job and the best friend a girl could ask for,” I said, indicating Clark with a slight nod of my head.

“I’d like to hear more about your job, but first, you should know that your father called me first thing this morning and the sale of the house is complete. The money was in our bank account this morning, so I can either write you a cheque or transfer it straight from our account to yours.”

“That’s wonderful news. Now I can get out of this stupid shithole of a bedsit and into a real house.”

The news was bittersweet. That house had been mine and Ethan’s and was the last thing I had that was ours. But I needed to get away from the walls with all their memories and start somewhere new. I had been looking at houses in the Brockwood area on the internet at work and had seen some really lovely places for sale. Now was my time to get out there and make new memories. Not to replace the old ones, because if I lived in the past, it would only pull me down.

“Well, Clark told me that the market is pretty reasonably priced around here so maybe you can get a nice little cottage or something and a little car so you don’t have to keep getting cabs to and from work.”

“That would be nice. I admit, I shouldn’t have sold the Pontiac but I needed the money for the deposit for somewhere to stay, so it was either a car or a place to sleep at night.”

“Yes, well, now you can look at somewhere bigger and more suitable for your needs. Your father says he intends to come and help you decorate and get you settled.”

“That would be great, Mom. So, do you have to go home today or are you staying a little longer?”

“I’m going today, darling. I can’t really get any more time off work, you know how it is there.”

I was both sad that I wouldn’t get more time with her and yet happy that she was off my case about living in Brockwood.

“Okay, well, would you like to get on the road now to avoid traffic or are you okay to stay until lunch? I can take you to this lovely little pub not too far from here and I can tell you more about my new job.”

“That would be lovely, darling. As long as I’m on the road home after lunchtime that should be fine.”

“Would you like to come with us, Clark, or do you have plans today?”

“I’ll leave you and your mom to catch up, but you and I can get together this evening if you don’t have plans.”

“I’d like that, Clark. I know I owe you an explanation.”

I hadn’t meant to bring it up but it didn’t seem fair to leave him wondering about things.

“We can talk about that later. You don’t owe me anything, but if you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

That was my best friend for you, non-judgmental.

I got up and hugged Clark and then my mother. They had both been there for me when I needed it and I had been ungrateful. Well, not anymore. I was going to get my life back on track and show the people I love that they really do matter to me.

***

I’m so sorry this has to be the end, my darling. I know finding this letter will tear you apart, but I can’t think of any other way. I hope in the long run you will see that what I did was for the best. I was in so much pain, my sweetheart, I only put a brave face on it for you. Please don’t hate me for taking ‘the coward’s way out’. That isn’t what this feels like for me; it feels like the best decision all-round. It’s finally something I can control—unlike so many other things that have come to pass over this last year. Though I am going to break your heart by doing this, I know it has to be done my way. It has to be on my terms, I can’t take much more of what nature has in store for me.

I woke from yet another dream about Ethan. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I am getting frustrated. These dreams keep me awake into the early hours, usually chased away by a small glass of whiskey and a cigarette. The whiskey is more of a recent development since they seem determined not to go anywhere.

I’m sat on my window ledge smoking my fifth cigarette as I hear my name called quietly. It’s 1 a.m. and I wonder who could be out so late and calling my name. I look out of the window but can’t see anything except the dark, still street, cars parked in their usual places, and the light coming from the street lights.

“Alyssa.” The quiet voice comes again.

I look to where the voice came from and see a silhouette. It moves out into the dim light shining from the streetlight. I am shocked to see Chase standing there.

I move to open my front door. I haven’t exactly wanted him to see this hovel of a place, but now he’s going to wake my neighbours up if he keeps calling my name, and by the sounds of it, bumping into trashcans.

“Chase,” I call out the door and usher him inside before he knocks anything else flying. He seems a little drunk. But what’s he doing around here without his car? And how did he get here drunk? How on Earth does he know where I live?

Stepping over my doorstep, Chase gives me a grateful smile and damn if it doesn’t make my heart skip a beat.

“Chase, what are you doing here?” I ask as I go into the kitchen and start to make some coffee to help sober him up.

“I’m here to see you, of course.” He hiccups as he speaks.

“At one o’clock in the morning, Chase? Why on Earth would you be coming around so late?” I admonished as I poured plenty of sugar and creamer into his coffee.

I walked back into my bedroom-cum-living area and saw Chase sat on my couch. I went to hand him the coffee, then thought better of it and placed it on the floor near my feet so he couldn’t knock it over.

“So,” I cleared my throat and looked straight into the beautiful pools that are Chase’s eyes, “what brings you here at such a late hour? Or early, depending how you look at it.”

“I don’t know, I just had this feeling I needed to see you,” Chase said, not breaking eye contact.

“I was asleep,” I said as I picked up my coffee and handed Chase his.

“It didn’t look like it to me. It looked like you were sat on your window ledge smoking. Dirty habit, by the way.” He took a gulp of his coffee and smiled at me, disarming me completely.

What was it about this man that was so appealing? Yes, he’s outrageously good looking. He should be an underwear model or something. Not that I’ve seen him in his underwear, he just seems like the kind of guy women would be happy to see in his Calvin Klein’s. Woah! What am I saying? I blame the late hour for the lack of filter in my thoughts.

“It’s something I only do on the odd occasion,” I said out loud, while silently adding that I only do it after a nightmare, but he doesn’t need to know that. There’s such a thing as ‘over-sharing’ and I wasn’t about to open up to anyone anytime soon. I knew I’d have to tell Clark, but that’s different because he’s my best friend. Chase, however, is a work colleague.

“Well, it’s still a dirty habit.” He smiled as he reached into his pocket and brought out his own cigarette packet.

“Well now, who’s the hypocrite?” I laughed.

“It’s something I only do when I go out drinking,” the excuse tumbled from those soft lips.

“Well, it’s still a dirty habit,” I parroted his words back to him.

“I know.” He smiled at me as he took a cigarette from its packet and put it to his lips.

“No smoking in here,” I said as I stood and walked to the open window, beckoning him to follow.

“Oh, sorry!”

Chase sauntered over to the window and took my earlier position on the ledge.

I took his lighter and lit the cigarette for him.

“So, why did you need to see me?” I asked as I took a seat at the dining room table underneath the window and lit another cigarette of my own.

“I don’t really have an answer to that. I was in the area with friends having a drink to celebrate my friend Mark’s birthday and afterwards, I just had this need to see you. I’m sorry it’s such a stupid hour. I really shouldn’t have come,” he said apologetically.

“It’s fine, really. I just so happened to be awake. Just don’t go making it a regular occurrence though.” I laughed as I playfully nudged him.

As he put his cigarette out, he stood and faced me. He pulled me up by my hands and placed one hand at the base of my spine.