Ready to Love Again (Sweet Romance #2) (18 page)

Chapter

Twenty-Five

Alyssa

My house warming party went great. Everyone said what a great time they had and no-one mentioned the period of time their host was missing. What was I thinking taking Chase to bed? My emotions have been such a jumble for the past two years since Ethan’s death, I thought that moving away would straighten things out in my mind but now things were messier than ever. I didn’t want a relationship. Did I? And what Justine had said was right, I had no right to move on. I was dishonouring her brother’s memory, something I never intended to do. So why couldn’t I stay away from Chase Williams? What was so special about him? I had tried ignoring him, but it hurt me to cut him off like that. There were no texts, no lunches at The Mermaid, no chats in the office to brighten my day. Being with Chase, it brought me happiness, it gave me a feeling of clarity. When he wasn’t around, I found myself thinking about him. I often wondered where he was, what he was doing, and if he was okay. I hated putting a self-imposed ban on seeing him and let’s be honest, I hadn’t managed to stick to it.

I had been working non-stop recently, there were so many great books and so many talented authors to try and sign with us. I hadn’t had much chance to speak to Chase since the night of the party, but I was no longer ignoring him.

A week later, a bouquet of beautiful purple calla lilies had been delivered to my office. There was a note attached that read:

‘Lys, Sorry for being hard on you. You’re my best friend, my sister-in-law, and I love you. I hope you’ll forgive me. Speak soon? Love Justine xx’

I didn’t want to stay on bad terms with her, so I sent her a text thanking her for the flowers and said I’d call her soon.

“Hey, fancy lunch?” a voice came from my door.

I looked around to see Lexi with a big smile on her face.

“Sure, let me grab my things.” I smiled as I logged off the computer and grabbed my purse.

“Haven’t see you much recently,” Lexi nudged me as we walked out of the building.

“Sorry, it’s been hectic. What’s new with you?”

“Well Caine and I are officially an item.”

Lexi had invited Caine to my house-warming and they had seemed like a couple, so I had assumed. But it was nice to hear Lexi say it and I couldn’t help but be happy for her. At least somebody’s love life was normal.

“That’s great!” I replied as we reached my car.

“Yeah, he’s really something,” she said, reaching for the door handle.

“Mermaid okay for lunch?” I asked as I started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Sure.”

Lexi hadn’t been much of a fan of the place when we’d first met, she’d always wanted to go somewhere fancier for lunch. But just recently, she had been to The Mermaid more often. I turned the radio on and selected to play tunes from my iPod. I selected shuffle and the first song on was “Hungry Eyes.” I was suddenly reminded of the beautiful depths of those green eyes with flecks of gold that shone with hunger whenever he looked at me. I smiled to myself as I recalled the last time I had looked into those eyes.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?”

“Oh nothing in particular.” I smiled as I continued to sing along.

“I don’t know how you listen to such sappy music,” she responded with a smirk.

“Yeah, well, the rule in this car is, the driver picks the music and the passenger can like it or lump it.” I bobbed my tongue out at her.

“Good rule. Next time, I drive!”

I couldn’t understand how Lexi was such a girly girl until it came to her musical tastes. She much preferred R&B. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but to listen to it all the time would irritate me. I have quite eclectic taste in music.

We pulled into the pub car park and I switched off the engine.

“It’s only a short journey, you can put up with my music.” I nudged her in the ribs.

“It’s depressing listening to music about love, especially when so many songs are written for break-ups.”

Walking through the doors I was met with a stunning green-eyed gaze. I hadn’t known he would be here, but I had secretly hoped he would be.

“Oh look who’s here, it’s your lover,” Lexi said as she strode to the bar.

“What?”

“It’s okay, I’m good with secrets.” She mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key.

“Whatever. He’s not my lover. End of story.”

I really didn’t want to get into a conversation about Chase, especially not while he was in the same room.

“What can I get you girls?” Em asked as she walked round the bar to where we sat.

“Diet Pepsi for me please. I’m watching my figure,” Lexi replied.

“Same for me please Em.”

I looked around the bar and smiled when I noticed Chase looking at me.

“These are on me, Em,” Chase piped up from where he sat.

“Thank you, Chase,” Lexi purred.

“You’re most welcome.” He smiled and that dimple appeared, making him look all the more gorgeous.

Looking him over, I saw he wore a tailored grey suit I had seen him in many times. He paired it with a black shirt and it looked incredible, but then I couldn’t think of a time I had seen him dressed any less impeccable. I could almost smell his cologne and the minty smell of his breath. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply. Of course it was all in my mind, but I swore the smell got stronger. As I opened my eyes, I realised why, all of a sudden Chase was next to me. Any closer and he’d have been on my stool with me.

“How are we, ladies?” Chase asked, looking at me intently.

“She’s so snowed under with work, I had to drag her out to lunch,” Lexi replied, sipping her drink.

“It’s not that bad.” I laughed.

“You’ve been so busy lately that I have hardly seen you,” she replied, rolling her eyes at me.

“Lots of new authors to sign, that’s all.”

“All work and no play makes Lys a dull girl,” Chase remarked.

“Well then I must be dull,” I replied with a smirk.

“You’re far from dull, when you’re not at work anyway,” he said with a wink.

I laughed and sipped my drink.

“Are you ladies ordering lunch?” Chase asked.

“We sure are. I’m starving,” Lexi responded as she looked for a menu.

“I won’t disturb you any longer then,” he replied and started to back away.

“You’re welcome to join us,” she purred.

“Oh no, I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not. Is he, Lys? Tell him!”

“Of course not, Chase. You’re welcome to join us,” I replied as I grabbed a menu and started browsing the selection so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him.

“Well, if you insist. I was going to eat alone, but who could resist an invitation to join two beautiful ladies?” His accent was doing things to me and I couldn’t hide the blush that crept across my face.

We went and sat at a table and decided what to eat. Em came and took our order, then disappeared into the kitchen.

“So, Lexi, tell me, what have you been up to lately?” Chase asked.

“Well, Caine and I have been going out a lot,” she replied and this time it was her turn to blush.

“So he tells me,” Chase replied.

“Does he talk about me?” Now her blush was even deeper red.

“You know us guys, we don’t gossip like you girls. But he has said that he’s lucky to have a girlfriend like you.”

Lexi’s eyes lit up as a smile graced her beautiful face.

“Aw, Lexi, you chose a real sweetie by the sounds of it,” I added into the quiet air that had fallen since Chase had spoken.

“He really is.” If it was possible, her smile widened and her eyes twinkled. Everything about the way she acted suggested it could be love.

I sat and watched her interact with Chase about Caine and was sucked into my own thoughts.

Ethan picked me up for our first date. He held a single red rose out to me as I walked out of the front door. I took the rose and inhaled its scent.

“Thank you.” I smiled, touched by his thoughtfulness.

“A beautiful flower for a beautiful woman,” he replied as he opened the car door for me.

I got in the car and smiled as he shut the door and walked to the driver’s side.

Ethan hadn’t told me where we were going. He only told me to dress casual, maybe wear a dress, for the night. I sat in his car in my favourite blue dress, it was a soft flowing summer dress. Since I didn’t know where we were going, I had gone for soft colours in my makeup and paired the dress with a cute pair of silver kitten heels and a matching clutch bag.

“You look stunning this evening, Lys,” Ethan said as he turned to me and took my hand. He kissed the back of my hand and I could feel the colour in my cheeks.

He started the engine and reversed out of the driveway. We turned out of my parents’ driveway and drove along familiar roads until we got to a local village pub, the Cob and Pen. As we made our way inside, I could hear the sounds of a band playing. It turned out that as it was summer, there was a barbecue and live band out back. They were currently covering “Why Don’t You and I” by Santana.

Ethan took hold of my hand and led me outside. He waved hello to the bar staff as we walked through. I smiled at his ease and friendly nature. I had been surprised when he had asked me out, but I had liked him since his sister Justine—the best friend a girl could ask for—had introduced us. She had wanted to set me up with him for ages, but being shy had me declining every time she tried. I must say, I was glad to have caved in.

We sat outside, soaking up the warmth of the evening and enjoying the music. Ethan was so attentive and I kept catching him looking at me intently when he didn’t think I was watching. As far as first dates went—and I didn’t have much experience—this one was a lot of fun. The music was good, the food was delicious, and the company was easily the best I’d had. Ethan was so sweet and endearing.

I went to the ladies’ room to freshen up after eating with my fingers. I looked at myself in the mirror and reapplied my lipstick. I ran my hands through my red hair and smiled at my reflection. I was happy and it showed.

As I walked back outside, the band began to play “Amazed” by Lonestar and Ethan asked me to dance. Although I had always been shy, Ethan brought me out of my shell with the easy conversation and the way he made me laugh, so I took his hand and let him lead me to dance. He held me close and sang the words quietly in my ear—he had a beautiful voice—sending tingles down my spine.

“Earth to Lys, are you hearing me?” I was suddenly shaken out of my memories by a hand on my arm. I looked at Lex
i—
holding back the tears that threatened—and offered a smile.

“Sorry, I zoned out there,” I choked past the lump forming in my throat.

I blinked back the tears and took a sip of my drink. Our food was in front of us and I guessed that was why Lexi had shook me.

“Where did you go?” Lexi enquired.

“Oh I was just thinking about work.” The lie rolled smoothly off my tongue.

“What did Chase just say about all work and no play?”

“Sorry, it’s just that my job is getting harder. I thought that more authors would sign with us but I’ve had some turn the opportunity down recently.”

“It’s a dog eat dog industry,” Chase remarked.

“It sure is,” I agreed. “The thing is, there’s such a battle going on these days over being indie versus traditionally published.”

“It’s because there are some people that say an indie author that signs with a publisher isn’t sticking to their roots,” Lexi pointed out.

“That’s true, but there are far more people that encourage each other than those that rip each other to shreds,” Chase said before taking a bite of his burger.

“That’s true. I’m trying to get two authors to sign with us at the moment and it looks like one is possibly going to be a bit easier than the other.”

I took a bite of my wrap and was glad the conversation was easy. The memory of mine and Ethan’s first date had threatened to ruin lunch, but being with friends made it easier to keep my past at bay, for now at least.

We finished our lunch and drove back to work. The conversation had remained focused around work and I was thankful for that. Lexi had told us about a book she was currently tasked with editing and it sounded like a book I should like to read. I did, after all, have a new den that was perfect for staying curled up with a good book.

Chapter

Twenty-Six

Today was set to be the biggest day of my life. I have had Justine sat with me all morning, talking to me, trying to soothe my frayed nerves. I’ve been sat in front of the mirror on my dresser, looking at the woman I have become. In three short years, Ethan has changed my life immeasurably. He’s been my rock. He supported me when I left university and got my very first job at Peterson’s Press. I’ve loved every moment of my life with him. We have been inseparable since Justine set us up on our very first date. The Cob and Pen has become a regular feature in our lives from that day to this. We’re headed there later today.

Justine is dressed in a lavender coloured dress. She looks stunning. Her long dark hair cascading around her shoulders in waves, what little makeup she has on really brings out her beautiful eyes. I look at her and she smiles so wide that it nearly splits her face in two.

“Are you ready to get dressed, Miss Jenson?” she asked as she handed me another small glass of champagne.

“Almost,” I replied as I sipped the champagne, the bubbles going up my nose a little.

“Almost? You’ll be more than ‘fashionably late’ if you don’t hurry your cute little ass up.”

I laughed and the bubbles from my glass went down the wrong way, making me cough, then laugh even harder.

“I won’t be late,” I said as I tried to suppress the laughter.

“Not on my watch you won’t, now hurry up and be ready to get dressed. What’s the hold up?”

“Nothing, I just…” How did I explain my feelings to her? Sure, she’s my best friend, but she’s also Ethan’s sister. It wasn’t that I got cold feet at any point, nor was it any kind of dread over what was to come. I just…I can’t even explain it myself.

I got up and walked to the dress bag hung on the back of the bedroom door. I unzipped the bag and pulled the material out. I ran my hand down the dress, it really was stunning. Justine and I had chosen it not long after Ethan proposed. Before me hung a simple, elegant gown in ivory, the only bling was over the sweetheart bust and a little brooch where the material gathered at the side. I’ve always had very simple tastes and this elegant gown just spoke to me when I entered the store that day.

“It’s time to put it on, babe, no putting it off any longer,” Justine whispered in my ear. I hadn’t even noticed her move across the room, but now I felt her over my shoulder, looking at the dress in front of us.

“Will you help me?” my voice came out barely more than a whisper.

“That’s what a best friend is for!” she chirped as she took the champagne glass I hadn’t realised I was still holding.

***

Walking into the church that day, I wasn’t nervous like many brides are. I was over the moon that this day was finally here, this moment where I would become Mrs. Alyssa Young. Ethan and I had been together for three years and engaged for one. I might have been only twenty years ol
d—
and some may think that’s young to be getting married—but I knew this loving, amazing man was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Of that, I was certain.

***

Looking at my husband-to-be, I smiled and my mouth became a little dry. The priest nodded at Ethan to read out his vows, words he had written himself.

“Alyssa Jenson, you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Not only for the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh, or for the laughter that reminds me of the sweetest music, but also for your ability to make other people smile, even if you are feeling sad. You aren’t just beautiful for something as shallow as your looks, you are also beautiful for your heart and soul. You are my kindred spirit, my best friend, my lover and my soul mate. I stand before you this day, the happiest man alive. Not just because this is our wedding day, but because it is the first day of the rest of our lives. We have a journey before us and I am so lucky to be able to have you by my side. I know you will always be here for me and with me. I trust you with my heart, I know you’ll never break it. Today we will leave this place as husband and wife and nothing could make me happier. I love you, Alyssa. I love you so very, very much. Mere words cannot sum up the way you fill my heart with joy and love, but I can promise that for the rest of our lives, I will do everything I can to make you feel as loved as I do.”

He slipped the white gold, diamond encrusted band on my finger and my throat clogged up as tears made their way to my eyes.

I didn’t want my makeup to run, but Ethan’s words had me stunned into silence and my eyes streamed with tears. I could taste the salt on my lips from the warm tears that rested. I had written my own vows too, but now, my words seemed insignificant. What could I say that could match the love that Ethan had shared? I stood for a moment and thought. It wasn’t the words that mattered, actions speak louder, so no matter what I said, I knew Ethan would understand how I felt because I was going to show him every single day how much he meant to me.

“Ethan Young, you are the other half of me, the yin to my yang, the light in the dark. I love you more than words can say. From now until the end of time, I promise to show you just how much you mean to me. From the moment I met you, I knew we had something special. I was only seventeen years old when we met and you were twenty-two. I didn’t know that just three years later, we would be married. You are the love of my life, the love of my dreams, the love that I want for now and for always. I didn’t just find a friend or lover in you, I found Mr. Right. I found the man that every woman dreams of having someday. You have seen me at my best and you have seen me at my worst—yet you are still here by my side. I will endeavour to be the wife you need, from now until the day I die. We have had such an amazing journey, yet we still have so many more miles to go. Our life is a story, as yet unwritten, a map yet unchartered. I cannot wait to discover what lies ahead with you by my side, your gentle hand in mine, our paths entwined forever. I love you so much, Ethan, I have never known a love as pure. It is with all the love in my heart that I stand before our family and friends, here in this moment, to become your wife, to complete you as you complete me.”

I saw the tears shine in Ethan’s eyes as I spoke. He held my hand gently in his and shed those tears as I finished reciting the vows I had spent so long trying to write. In the end, I had stopped thinking with my head and went with what I was feeling in my heart. I wasn’t embarrassed to stand in front of everyone we knew and tell him how much he meant to me. I was proud.

I beamed with pride as I slipped the white gold band on his ring finger.

***

I woke with tear-stained cheeks and sweat clinging to my body. I had gone to bed that night with thoughts of Ethan in my head. I had been wondering what he would say if he were still here. Of course, if he was here with me, Chase and I wouldn’t have started whatever it is that’s going on between us. I wouldn’t even live here, I’d be back in my old home in Fareham, still in my old job at Peterson’s, with my old friends around me. I was feeling lost without my best friend to lean on, and though Lexi and I had become friends, it wasn’t something I felt comfortable discussing with her.

I got out of bed and went to the drawer in my dresser. Taking out the silver packet, I walked over to the loveseat in my bedroom window. Picking up the ashtray and lighter, I took a seat, opened my bedroom window, and lit a cigarette. I inhaled the smoke, held it for a moment and then let it into the night air. Thoughts clouded my mind, each racing by too fast for me to hold onto. As I finished my cigarette, I stayed sat with the window open. I leaned my head on my arms on the windowsill and tried to calm my racing mind.

What was it that bothered me so much? Was it the thought of moving on and leaving Ethan behind? Was I really leaving him behind? He was, after all, in my thoughts in one way or another every single day.

Moving on after the end of a long-term relationship is one thing, but it’s a whole other story when your partner dies. The end of a relationship is always hard, it takes time for wounds to heal, especially when it’s not you that leaves and when the person who walks away leaves you with no explanation. But Ethan didn’t walk away from me because he didn’t love me anymore, or because there were issues we couldn’t resolve. No, he had chosen to take his own life due to his illness. We never expected what happened, we never planned for a day where one of us would die. We always thought of those days as being many years down the line. Nobody expected that at the age of twenty-eight, Ethan would be told he had ALS and that he would be gone from us just two years later.

I closed the window and returned to bed. My mind was clearer as I thought of Ethan. Not a particular day or a specific event in life, I just thought about him, the man he was. I could hear his voice as clear as if he were right next to me. He wasn’t saying anything important, he was just talking, calming me down. Ethan had always had a calming effect on me. He was my balance, helped me find my equilibrium. Now that he was gone, I was off balance. It felt like part of me died that day. I had gone out and by the time I returned, he was gone. He’d left me a note. A damn letter. Words on a page. As if that would bring me some semblance of peace! How fucked up! I held his limp body and cried as I waited for an ambulance, a doctor, someone to come and help me. I dropped the phone to the floor and held my husband in my arms. He looked peaceful, as though he was just sleeping. It was the most peaceful I had seen him in two years. Slowly, his body had degenerated, he was unable to perform even the simplest of tasks for himself. I had taken a leave of absence from work to be by his side as he had gotten to the point where he could no longer make a cup of tea or undo the zip of his jeans. He was so young and his quality of life was only going to go downhill. I could understand why he had done what he had done, but that didn’t make my heart hurt any less.