Random Acts of Senseless Violence (28 page)

I got jealous when Iz talked about boys and I didn't expect to. It weirded me Anne but I couldn't help it however mindlost it seems. If I had to share Iz with some boy instead of Jude I think I'd be edged constant. ‘What
else Iz? You missin your essential' Jude said. ‘I don't think so' Iz said. ‘Better be cloud white don't he?' Jude asked. ‘Don't matter I'm not after boys now anyway' she said. ‘Do tell' Jude said looking at her. ‘Iz she like em pale long as they red where it count' she added to me. ‘And how often you go native Jude?' Iz said looking mad. ‘If I'm businessin I trade the upscale market that's known. Not enough cleanheads round for girls wan tin to climb' Jude said. ‘And when you're not businessing?' Iz asked. ‘Boys gotta wait they turn then' Jude said. ‘Got better ways spendin my time.'

‘This game too sharp it getting like doin dozens' Iz said. ‘We just gamin Iz' Jude said. ‘It suit me. My turn now I spec. Make believe you could do revenge on whoever wronged you most. Who they be and what you do to em?'

Me and Iz sat muted waiting for someone else to spill first. Jude eyed us close and smiled like a cat not showing her teeth. ‘Awful quiet now' she said. ‘Kevin' Iz said. ‘I hear you. How you treat?' Jude asked. ‘Bad' Iz said. ‘How bad?' ‘So bad he wish he was black' Iz said. ‘She tell you who Kevin was?' Jude asked me. I nodded. ‘What she tell?' ‘Jude stop' Iz said. ‘Nada' I said hoping Jude would stop. ‘Keep minded Iz sorta racist when it come to brothers. Even when she a little girl, seem like' Jude said. ‘She fancy that ice people skin whoever it on' Jude said eyeing me and crooking her grin. ‘Jude you lying not truthing hush up' Iz said looking pissed. ‘Kevin he be a gold boy. Greek or something but light. He lead her off to play doctor. Doctor hell he an afrogyno' Jude said. ‘Iz be callin it rape now but it sound different to me.'

Iz swung out her hand to hit Jude but Jude caught it. She didn't do anything but hold onto it staring at Iz and in a second or two Iz took her arm down. ‘She know why it sound different to you too long as we spilling' Iz said to her. ‘However you call it that's what it was. And that's why he never suffer bad enough. Now you ask the question Jude, your turn to answer.' ‘Answer what how?' she asked. ‘Who
you want to revenge on most. She already know who and why Jude so let's keep gaming. What you do to him?'

‘Done enough already' Jude said. ‘Never nohow and you know it' said Iz. Jude sat not looking at us for a minute not saying anything. Then she lay down putting her head on one of the pillows. ‘What you do to him if you could?' Iz asked again. ‘Rope his feet and hang him from the roof. Swing him till he go sailing. Watch him bounce when he hit and let the rats eat him. No more Milton Glastonbury. But he gone now anyway from my view' Jude said saying it all very calm. ‘I hate this damn game. Crazy you tell yours and then we done with it.'

They looked at me. I'd been so headset on what they said to each other and the way Jude was saying what she didn't say that I hadn't thought of who I'd revenge on most. Weez hadn't really done that much to suffer me and now that she was gone I heartfelt for her. Besides she and Jude were longtime close and I knew Jude still saddened over it, that was probably why she was so spiky. There were plenty of people I was mad at at school mostly Lori and Katherine but I wouldn't want to hurt them either really. ‘Mister Mossbacher' I finally said. ‘He teach you?' Iz asked. ‘He owns Excelsior Bookstore. Daddy works for him and wrongs him daylong' I said. ‘Who did
you
most wrong Lola not daddy' Jude said. ‘He did me wrong because he wrongs Daddy' I said. ‘Uh-uh. When you revenge serious on somebody they got to have wronged you direct and not just sideswipe' Jude said. ‘She right Lola that don't count. You can't think a nobody?' Iz asked. I shook my head. ‘Well I pick Weez if I be you but so be it' Jude said. ‘Game over.'

A little later we snuffed the lights. I was sorry we gamed after we did. Make believe doesn't always go like you'd wantit to. We lay in bed side by side with Iz in the middle listening to the noise outside and talking some. Jude could tell the kinds of guns people were shooting from the sounds they made and did for a few minutes listening. ‘What do you want when you grow up? Not make believe' I asked
whispering. ‘Go to college get married. Work doing something I like' Iz said. ‘Once I get situated I make sure you workin Iz' Jude said. ‘Something I like' Iz repeated and then she said ‘Be nice to get babied once I settle and pay. Then I just take it from there after that.' ‘What about you Jude? What do you want?' I asked. ‘Everthing' she said. ‘How bout you?' Iz asked me. ‘I don't know' I said. ‘You have to' she said. ‘I used to think I knew but I don't. It's all far away' I said. ‘What is?' Iz said. ‘Everything. College work whatever. It's all dreamy. Mostly I want to live that's all' I said.

When Daddy homed I woke. He bathroomed and I lay wide eye hearing water run and distanced sirens sounding like trains in the country. I thought Iz and Jude were dead out but they weren't and they must have figured the same about me. Once Daddy bedded Iz got on top of Jude and they kissed. I heard their lips smack when they started kissing big slurpy kisses. I turned over pressing the side of my head in my pillow and my hand over my open ear so I couldn't listen.

It wasn't the listening but the wanting that racked me Anne I wanted to be kissing Iz. But she and Jude have been girls together longtime though and I shouldn't be jealous even though I was. They were moving a lot making little gurgling sounds and shook like they chilled. The bed overheated with three of us on it so they couldn't have been cold I knew. I wished I was doing what Jude was doing with Iz even though it's queer. That aches me too because they prefer boys I can tell even if they don't want them now and I don't like boys at all. There's nothing wrong with me there isn't but everyone else thinks so when they know even if they don't know. Sometimes I fear I'll never happy proper.

It seemed like hours before they finished playing and Iz rolled off. They were breathing hard like they'd been running and I could hear them even though I was trying not to. I wanted to sleep but couldn't and then I started
crying. It was so deadhead there wasn't any reason for boohooing I was just sad. I hate crying Anne it uglies your face and doesn't settle you and it shames me when I cry. I never do it noisy I just drop tears. It was awful and I wished I was millions of miles away but I wasn't and I didn't want them to know I heard them so all I could do was lay there dead. I was glad they couldn't hear me cry but I think Iz could tell anyway because before I fell asleep she touched my back with her hand and petted me. It was so nice to have her do that that I settled and slept then.

This morning they left. Jude went rambling and Iz went churching and here I am writing you before I study. It'll heart me to have finals over. I used to like school so much back in September I loved going. But that was past and now I can't wait till it's done. My friends were fun and I loved them but they threw me. At least I have new friends now but they could go too sometime you never know though. Look what happened to Weez and Jude and they'd known each other as long as me and Lori. You don't know who your friends are Anne until you're not like them anymore.

I walked with Iz and Jude to 125th Street. The greenasses are stacking concrete blocks down the middle of the street making a wall with openings to let cars and buses through. That'll easy their keeping people in or out we guessed. Then after I left Iz and Jude and before I came back here to write and now study I walked down Broadway thinking and looking skyhigh. That's when I saw it Anne I think it was an angel up airways cloudfloating but not so high I couldn't see her. Nobody else streeted acted like they eyed her so I peg her for my very special own angel. She was white and gold and bewinged like a bird. Even though she was far distant I saw her smile at me. Maybe it was a cloud but it didn't dress like one it looked like an angel in a book like by William Blake. At first I thought seeing an angel signed good but now when I rethink it's more clear and worrisome. Maybe my new name Crazy Lola is right. I didn't tell
Mama or Boob that I saw the angel and I won't tell Daddy or Iz or Jude either, I'll just tell you. It nerves me thinking about it.

I'll write when I can Anne.

MAY
26

Just here quick because I'm set to blow. Miss Wisegarver told me her test I took yesterday has to be redone before she grades me. She says it's obvious I didn't know what I was doing and hadn't studied. She'll incomplete me she says and let me take it again Thursday. I did study for it I did but something racked and my mind wouldn't hold any more. I don't know how I'll redo but we'll see. Usually I do best in her class so it fears me about how I'm doing in everything else. But enough gnash back to studying now.

MAY
28

What's wrong with me Anne. I got C on my final in Math and B minus in History. Today I took Miss Wisegarver's test over and I spec I redid it better but I thought I aced first time through. Tomorrow's the last test day and I'm heart-happy. Monday we find out our grades and then we gone till September rolls and I won't have to think school till then.

Granny showed today worsening my mood twiceover but what's to be done with her. What's to be done with me. It's hateful Anne it is.

MAY
29

Friday and the last real day of school and the last test in Sociology class. It's done and I'm happied. Weekend's here and tomorrow I'm set to meet Iz and Jude. We'll do something somewhere though I don't know what. Banking essential so watch out guys. Daddy's kitchened present working over his résumé and the bills figuring what we'll
do once he's jobless. That won't be soon soon though because Mister Mossbacher told him yesterday he hasn't been able to get a capable replacement yet so Daddy has to work another extra week before he's free. Mister Mossbacher says he'll time and a half him for every hour over fifty Daddy slaves. That's something considering with the new money he only hauls forty a week. Mama and Boob they're dead out already even though it's just nine.

Daddy's quieted overmuch and I think I better check him I be right back Anne.

JUNE
2

I didn't come back like I said I would the other night and I haven't writ before now because of what went down. Forgive me Anne.

When I went kitchenways I eyed Daddy chaired at tableside laying his head on his arms like he sleepied. He never drops like that but Mister Mossbacher had worked him so I think maybe it caught up and felled him. I didn't know he had slept away yet. I shook his shoulder but he sat statued.

‘Daddy?' I said shaking him harder but he didn't move he just stilled. It nerved me and so I touched his head and it rolled sideways and I spied how he was, he looked but didn't see. I knew he was dead Anne even though there wasn't any certifying. I don't know why and how I knew but I did. Screaming's called for when you find people dead I always thought but I didn't. I zipped hallways running in Mama's room waking her trying not to stir Boob.

‘Angel sweetie what is it did you have a bad dream?' Mama asked. ‘No Mama come here' I said whispering. ‘I don't understand' she said. ‘In the kitchen please Mama lipstill and come here.' ‘My darling you're in such a state what is it what's wrong?' ‘Daddy' I said. Mama unbedded and robed and tripped misfooting through the dark hallways. When she eyed Daddy she knelt down next to him
putting her hand on his neck and then on his wrists pulsefeeling but there weren't feelables. ‘Mama?' I asked when she didn't speak she statued too. ‘Angel call 911 please hurry.' She chaired next to him holding his hand crying while I called.

The police showed and medtechs and suit people taking an hour to get there. Daddy was moldcold by then. The doctors poked and thumped and awared Mama he had a massive heart attack she told me later. ‘My darling precious it was the best way he was there one minute and gone the next' Mama said sounding it like Daddy did what everybody do. Right before the place filled Mama had me go in their bedroom and babysit Boob keeping her in there. She woke wide eye when she heard their big boots come in going thump thump thump.

I baldfaced her Anne I said something was wrong with Daddy but I didn't say how wrong. ‘Is he sick I want to see him' she said. ‘No Boob they're taking him to the hospital you can't talk to him now' I said. ‘What's wrong with him?' she asked. ‘Can't say' I said. ‘Can we see him tomorrow?' ‘I don't know Boob.' ‘Why can't I see him?' ‘Because you can't.' ‘Is he dead?' she asked surprising me because sharp as Boob is I didn't spec she'd figure so quick. ‘He's doing bad Boob just settle yourself' I said. ‘Did somebody shoot him?' ‘No Boob' I said. ‘Then why can't I see him?' ‘Boob please please' I said and she started boohooing and trying to push me off but I was unbudging finally sitting on her to keep her bedded. She howled like a monkey and a blueboy opened the door. He eyed us like we'd been caught wronging like he hated us. ‘Where's my daddy?' Boob shouted at him. He shut the door. Boob shoved hard and pushed me off yelling ‘I hate you I hate you.' She didn't unbed though she just pillowed her face crying. I sat there trying to blank my mind it was too much. I saddened fast but it wasn't for Daddy, that wasn't real yet. I ached deepdown because Boob never said she hated me even when she maddened before. However I
tried to deafen to everything I heard her saying that. Finally after an hour or longer everybody left and then Mama came back shutting the door behind her.

‘Oh my angels' she said and then told us about Daddy even though we knew. We held her and cried and then we bedded though we didn't really sleep. I know I lay there hours eyeing ceilingways thinking it was awful and bizarre. Just a few hours earlier Daddy was there with us and now he was gone and we'd never see him again. However much I tried to blank I couldn't Anne everything about Daddy blurred into his face it wouldn't go away. What was the last thing he said to me I kept trying to remember I think he asked if I'd help him wash the dishes later and I said yes but never did. Even though I never thought about heaven before I started wondering where Daddy had gone now that he'd died, that is if he went anywhere. I felt my face getting wetter and wetter and finally I stomached flat so I couldn't see anything even Daddy's face.