Pulse 3 (Pulse Series) (19 page)

I knew that whatever this was, between Rafael and me, it would eventually resolve itself. I didn
’t know if we were going to end up together. But Martin put everything into tangible terms that I could digest. This wasn’t just about me trying to decide how important Rafael was to me. Our relationship affected the company directly. And the longer I sat around in my apartment, the longer I put everything on hold.

Still, I didn
’t have the answer Martin was looking for. The situation was still the same.

“
Alice, I’m speaking to you as one of the executives for this company now. Realize that most young interns are blessed to be given the opportunity you’re given. There are hundreds of college graduates all across the country waiting in line to work for a company like Barnett. You are one of the chosen few. For you to just walk out on your internship and still have it is a luxury that, well… nobody has. Understand the position you’re in, Alice. Don’t ruin your opportunity.”

Listen
ing to Martin only made me realize how foolish I’d been. I put everybody before me. But I couldn’t deny these feelings I had. Being in Rafael’s office no longer felt like the joy it once was, so I left. The obvious answer was to go back. But I was still holding on to figure out another way to go about this.

“
That will be all, Alice. You’re free to go. And since your relationship with Rafael is paramount, you’re time off can be as long as you need it to be. But you should know that I, along with the rest of the board, will put pressure on him to terminate you the longer this takes.”

I nodded then stood up from my seat. I didn
’t look at Martin as I quickly left his office. I stood in the elevator by myself and reached for the button to the bottom floor. I hesitated for a moment.

Rafael was probably in his office right now. I could see him now if I wanted to. But I didn
’t need to see him. I had nothing left to say.

I pressed the button for the lobby. As the elevator descended, the situation I was in felt more co
mplicated than it had before.

Chapter 21

I spent another week trying to figure things out. It was the most time I spent inside of my apartment since I was in college. But there were no exams to study or papers to write. There were no applications to fill or resumes to send. Instead, I wasted my time on trying to sort out all of my feelings.

Another week came and went. Danica would stop by to smell the flowers and eat some of the chocolates Rafael sent to me. Every now and then she would drag me out
long enough to have something to eat. It was nice to have something besides the remnants of the things sitting in my refrigerator. But Danica was the only social interaction I had with anybody outside of Dana, the flower delivery girl.

It had been an entir
e month since I last saw Rafael. It only felt like yesterday when I turn my back on him and walked out of his office. I sat there on my couch and flipped through the channels on my television, looking for something to occupy my thoughts with.

The doorbell
rang. I got up slowly from the couch to receive the latest offerings Rafael undoubtedly had sent to me. I opened the door to greet Dana and suddenly felt embarrassed to see him standing there.

“
Rafael! I…”

“
I’m sorry to drop-in without calling first. I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

I was wearing nothing but a pair of sweat pants and an old college t-shirt. His suit looked immaculate on him. He
’d never seen me like this before. I wanted to close the door in his face out of embarrassment.

“
May I come in?” he asked me.

“…
Yeah. Yeah, come in.”

I stood to the side as Rafael stepped into my apartment. The flowers that were sitting around on every available spot made me feel more embarrassed than I already was. I closed the door then watched as Rafael lifted
one of the flowers to smell it.

“
I wasn’t sure if you were actually getting these,” he said. “I figured you would get sick of them and throw them out after the first few.”

“
Well, they die eventually. But I enjoy them while they’re around.”

I laughed nervou
sly as I watched him make my way around his apartment.

“
Have a seat,” I said. “Please. Make yourself comfortable. Would you like something to drink? Coffee?”

“
Sure. That sounds nice. If you don’t mind, of course.”

“
Not at all.”

Rafael loo
ked around my apartment before taking a seat on my couch. I scrambled around my kitchen then cleaned my coffee pot.

“
Anything good on TV?” he asked me.

“
If there is, I haven’t found it yet.”

Rafael watched the television even though I was sure he wasn
’t paying attention. While I prepared a pot of coffee, my mind began racing. I was sure he had a lot to say to me. It felt like so long since I’d seen him but I still wasn’t ready.

Rafael waited patiently. I wanted the coffee to take as long as it could to get
ready. But it finished eventually. I slowly poured a cup for him and put some cream and sugar into it then made my way over to him. I placed the cup on the coffee table then took a seat on the couch just across from him.

Rafael took the courtesy of flippin
g through the channels on the TV for me. He fell upon a game show and left it there. The two of us sat there in silence for a few moments as we watched it. He leaned forward in his seat and took a sip of coffee.

“
I remember watching this show when I was a kid,” he said.

“
You do?”

“
Yeah. My babysitter was an old lady and she loved it so I kind of had to put up with it. I didn’t really have much of a choice. But I got so used to watching it that I actually started to enjoy it. I grew up though. I… don’t remember the last time I actually sat around and watched TV…”

“
That’s okay. You’ve moved on to more important things than sitting around and watching game shows.”

“
More important things and more important people.”

Rafael smiled at me then put the cup of coffee
back down on the table in front of him. The two of us looked at one another, the sound from the television not enough to deny the silent tension building between us. I tried to think of something to say but there was nothing. I couldn’t put into words how I was feeling.

“
It’s been a month,” he said. “I’ve missed you.”

“
I’ve… missed you, too,” I sighed.

“
I know that Martin spoke to you.”

“
Yeah, he said—”

“
Whatever he said to you is between the two of you. I’m sure he tried to motivate you to come back. But that’s not why I’m here. I just… wanted to talk to you.”

He stared at his cup of coffee. His throat shifted as he swallowed. I could see his mind racing.

“Do you remember what it was like when I wasn’t working?” he asked me. “I sat around in that suite and looked for anything to keep me occupied.”

“
I remember…”

“
It wasn’t easy for me. I was so used to working in my office that I couldn’t adjust to life away from it. Being with you made it worth it though. When I spoke to the board of directors and they asked me to return, the decision was simple. But you complicated it. I wouldn’t have come back if I didn’t receive your blessing. And I knew what you would say.”

“
I wanted you to come back. It’s where you belong.”

“
You would have said anything to make me happy.”

“
But it was the right decision. You deserve to be in charge of this company. You’re the rightful heir.”

Rafael clenched his jaw as he listened to me. He stared at me and exhaled a deep breath through his nostrils. I almost thought he was upset with the w
ay he was looking at me.

“
Do you know why I work so hard?” he asked me. “Do you know why I push myself every night in my office? Why I never leave? Why I put everything I have into it?”

“…
I don’t know.”

“
Yes, you do. You remember my parents. People have reminded me you about them when they’ve talked about me. I’ve even told you myself. I work hard because I want to make my parents proud.”

“
There’s nothing wrong with that, Rafael. There’s nothing wrong with what you’re doing.”

“
But it’s not the truth. Not anymore.”

“
What are you saying?”

He sighed. He looked resigned to the truth that he was holding back from me.

“I do it for me,” he said. “I sit in my office and work hard because I enjoy it. It makes me feel like I’m doing something. Over time, it’s been less about my parents and more about myself. And with you in the office, there was nothing more I could ask for.

“
I would close a business deal through my business savvy. Then I would call you over to my desk and fuck you on top of it. I was on top of the world. I enjoyed the rush. I felt alive.

“
I wasn’t your boyfriend anymore. I wasn’t even your boss. I was just some man who was using everything and everybody around him.”

I couldn
’t believe what I was hearing. It didn’t sound like the truth. But Rafael stared at me with a seriousness in his eyes that told me he wasn’t lying. And he looked hurt to admit it.

“
You were right to leave,” he said. “No woman in their right mind would have stayed with a man like me. Not for the money. Not for the sex. Not even for the power of being on the top floor of the biggest building in the city.

“
When you left, I sent you all of these flowers and chocolates to try and convince you to come back. Because I missed you. But it wasn’t until a few days ago that I realized why…”

He paused for a moment. He turned and looked at the cup of coffee on the table. It seemed like he didn
’t want to say it.

“
Why?” I asked him, no longer able to wait for his answer.

“
Do you remember the last thing I said before you left? The last time I saw you…”

I nodded.

“I didn’t mean it. It was a last ditch attempt to get you to stay. But now that you’re here in front of me and I see everything I’ve lost… I realize that I mean it now when I do say it.”

“
Rafael…”

“
I love you, Alice.”

Rafael stared at me and I could see the pain in his eyes. I bit my lips to stop the emotions from boiling over inside of me. I had to swallow to keep everything down.

“It took a long time,” he said. “Longer than it should have. But you’re the most valuable thing in my life now. I thought working for the company was what made me feel alive. I was wrong. But it’s not just you…”

Before I could say anything, he immediately sat up from the couch. I looked up at him confused, still trying
to figure out what he was thinking.

“
Rafael—”

“
Alice, I can’t be with you.”

“
What? What are you talking about?”

“
It’s just like you said. When we first met, it was just a meaningless one-night stand. Our relationship hasn’t evolved past that.”

“
We can work things out,” I said. “Let’s move forward. If what you said is true, if you do… love me, then you’ll be willing to do what it takes.”

“
I am, Alice. But I’m not the man you need me to be. I don’t know if I’ll ever be more than the man you saw in the club that night.”

He turned around and began walking toward the door
. I followed after him, hoping that he would stop. I wanted to grab him and keep him here. But he quickly made his way to the door. As he gripped the handle, I realized I was in the same position he was in just a month ago. Now I was the one pleading for the other to stay.

He slowly turned around and I stared at him, trying to get him to see how I was feeling.

“If I had to choose between you and the company, I don’t know what I’d choose,” he said. “But I do know that it’s not the same without you.”

“
I’m right here, Rafael. I’m right here. You don’t have to choose.”

“
The fact that I can’t make a decision means I’ve already made a choice. And you deserve better than that, Alice. You deserve a man who can make that decision without hesitating.”

I didn
’t have a chance to say anything more. Rafael opened the door and left quickly just as he had come in. I ran out the door and called out to him but he didn’t respond. I watched him walk away and disappear into the distance.