Protecting My Hart (Protectors Series Book 1) (15 page)

“You should have told me, Hart!” I growl letting go of her arm, and begin to pace around my living room. Everything she just said feels like a thousand anvils have crashed down on me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m so fucking angry I’m shaking with it. So much pain she went through. So much abuse and she never told me, not because she didn’t trust me, but because she thought I didn’t care. She thought it was all in her head. She loved me then and never said anything because she thought I would never want her. I swear I want to kill JD and Tiny and Griz right now, all of them actually.
How dare they fucking treat her that way!

“What would have been the point? I told you it wasn’t your problem.”

“
What would have been the point?!”
I yell back, my anger increasing. I feel like I’m going to explode. “The point is I had no idea what was happening, not a fucking clue as to what they were doing to you, Hartley. The point is that I would have protected you, I would have never left you with them alone. I would have taken you with me, kept you safe. The point is none of that shit would have ever happened to you if you had told me. One word, Hart, one fucking word is all it would have taken, and I would have gotten you out of there and kept you safe. The point is, I would have killed them for hurting you! Don’t sit there and tell me that it wasn’t my problem. Everything that has to do with you is my problem.”

“No it doesn’t, you’re just being nice again. It wasn’t your responsibility to take care of me. It’s not even your responsibility to take care of me now. I don’t need you to do it. I will be fine on my own. I will never be dependent on someone else again. I will take care of myself and my son. I’ve been doing it just fine for the last five years.”

“You call this fine? Hart, you have been running for five years, you haven’t slept, you are so terrified about JD finding you that you haven’t had a moment of peace, I’m guessing not until two nights ago when you slept in my arms.”

“I don’t need your pity, Slyde. That’s why I never told you. I didn’t want you to see me for what I really am. I’m trash, Slyde; I always have been and always will be. I’m nothing, pathetic, useless, and worthless. The only person in the world who thinks I’m good enough is my son, and I will do everything I can to shield him from what I really am. I can take care of myself!”

What. The. Fuck?

She’s spouting bullshit, complete and utter bullshit.
She honestly thinks she’s worthless. She thinks that no one could ever want her. All of the horrible shit that has happened to her, she somehow believes she deserves it? It makes her trash? Is she fucking serious?
The look on her face, the sound of her voice, tells me she believes every word that came out of her mouth. She is way more broken and fragile than I originally thought. This beautiful, smart, loving, perfect woman standing before me truly believes that no one but her son can love her. She has no idea. Well, that ends now too.

“Hart,” I state softly.

“I don’t need you!” she states firmly, and I can see she’s trying to protect herself. She’s not getting this. She’s refusing to listen. I reach out and pull her to me, one arm around her waist firmly, the other gripping her chin, keeping her eyes locked to me.

“I. Need. You.” I speak slowly and clearly so she can hear each word. The slight widening of her eyes lets me know I have her attention. “I’m fucking pissed that you didn’t tell me what was going on. I’m fucking pissed that you thought I didn’t care. I’m fucking pissed that you disappeared out of my life for five fucking years. I’m not just being nice because I’m a fucking good guy, Hart. I refuse to let you vanish again. I care, Hart; I care so fucking much it hurts. Even then all I wanted to do was keep you safe. Every time I saw you smile, my heart jumped. My breath would catch every time if I was the one who made you smile. I never fought for you because I thought he was good to you. I thought you were taken care of. If I had known, I would have fought, Hart. I would have fought them all to get you, to keep you safe, and then I would have fought for
you!
I would have fought every single fucking day to show you how much I care, how special you are, how good you should be treated. Hart, you should be treated like a Queen. You are amazing, with everything you went through with your father and with JD, I have no idea how you have been able to keep your heart pure and good. It’s amazing and the way you are raising Ethan is no less amazing. When I came back from that trip, and you had vanished, I was gutted. I couldn’t wait to see your eyes and your smile again. When you weren’t there I died inside. There hasn’t been a single day that has gone by that I have not hoped, begged, and prayed that you were safe and happy. I never stopped looking for you, on all my trips and jobs, I never stopped. When I found you two days ago, I knew the stars had offered me a second chance. Every feeling that I had for you five years has grown a hundred times stronger. Even before I knew what was going on I vowed that you were done dealing with it alone. I am
not
going to let you run away from me again. You are not nothing. You are not trash. You are not useless, and you are not worthless. You are amazing. I can’t tell you how much I looked forward to our stolen moments back then, but I hated the fact that’s all they were, moments. I wanted more. When we had that night, I knew I could never go back to just watching you from a distance. After the short trip when I came back, you said you were sick. I knew something had happened; I could feel it. I left to meet with Mack to try to get you out, but I couldn’t work it out with him, so I spent my time trying to figure it out on my own. If I had any idea how he was treating you before, I never would have left you there alone. Never. Hart, I love you.”

His words rock my core and his eyes feel like they are penetrating my soul.

“No, you don’t,” I whisper, shaking my head no.

“Yes. I. Do. I. Love. You.”

“You can’t.”

“I can, and I do.”

“It’s not just me,” I protest, trying not to let his words have the effect on me that they are.

“I know, and I love Ethan too. I loved him the second I met him and confirmed it to myself that first night I tucked him back into bed.”

“You do?” I rasp out.

“Yes. I know that this is hard for you, trusting someone. I know that you don’t know how to let someone take care of you, but Tesoro, I swear on my life you can trust me, and I will take care of you. I will never stop loving you, I will keep you safe, and I will
never
stop fighting for you.”

I stare at him, unable to form any words in response.
Can this really be happening? Can the man who has held my heart since the moment I met him, really be saying he feels the same way? He not only loves me, but my son too? This can’t be real.
I shake my head with disappointment it’s all too good to be true.

“Tesoro, look at me.” I do, slowly. “Every word I’ve said is true. I love you. I love Ethan. I will protect you both; nothing will ever hurt you again. Trust me, Tesoro, don’t vanish again. Let me take care of you. You are my woman; Ethan is my son.”

“We don’t know that for su—” He pulls my eyes back to his.

“Ethan. Is. My. Son” He punctuates each word with determination. He is telling me he doesn’t care about the truth, he has claimed Ethan as his; he has claimed us both. He will protect us; I just have to trust him, to let him. I do, that’s never been a question, but can I let go of the fear of my past? Can I let myself believe in the hope that I don’t have to be alone? I don’t have to run and hide anymore? Can I let myself believe that someone, no not
someone
, Slyde Cardoane, wants me? I want to, God do I ever. I'm so tired and scared, but for the first time in five years, I
do
feel safe. My heart knows I can trust him; I have always been able to trust him, so I let go of all the pain and the fear. I let go of all the hurt, and anger, all the emotions run free, and I give them to Slyde. He willingly takes them, he easily shoulders the burden I have been carrying, and pulls me to him tighter while I cry. “You’re safe, mi Tesoro. I promise. Te amo, Hartley.”

I can feel the tension leaving her as she cries against me. I can feel her giving me her burden, and I take it. She’s allowing herself to trust me, to let me take care of her. I’m not sure how much from tonight she believes and accepts, but for right now, this is enough. Lifting her up, I carry her to bed and lay her down before climbing in next to her, pulling her to me again. She begins to settle down while we just lie in silence.

“It’s not as paralyzing,” she whispers.

“What do you mean?”

“The fear. It’s not paralyzing anymore, and I don’t know how to deal with it. It’s because of you. I’ve slept for two nights in a row, for the entire night—that’s something that I have never done, not in over five years. I can’t even deny it or convince myself otherwise; this feeling is because of you. Until this is over I’m always going to worry, but with you around, it’s not consuming. I’m scared to lose this feeling, and I’m scared to enjoy it. It’s not fair for me to lay that on you, it’s not your problem, but it’s the truth. Beamer told me that I could trust you, and I told him that I already do and that’s true too. You are the only person in this world that I can trust completely. I trusted you then, you made me feel safe just like you are now, and you make my son feel safe. It’s been so long since I’ve had this, and I’m scared because all of this is too good to be true. Good things don’t just happen to me or for me and you are such a good thing, and I’m so afraid to lose you again.”

“Hartley, I’m not going anywhere and neither are you. I’m happy you feel safe, and I’m so glad you trust me. Nothing is more important than you and Ethan. It’s all going to be OK, Hart; let me take away the fear and the pain. Let me show you how much you are worth and let me take care of you and
our
son. Let me in, Tesoro, I promise you won’t regret it.”

I feel her nod slightly against me and curl closer. It’s only a few minutes later when I feel her fall asleep. My mind however, is working franticly. I’m going to have to fill the guys in as to what happened in that house. We are going to have to move this shit up, because I’m not sure how long I can control myself around the fucking dickless, motherfucking bastards knowing what they did to my girl. Things are starting to make sense now. There are still a few things I don’t know, but I will find them out eventually. Hartley has been through enough over the last few days, and she needs time to let it all settle. She’s mine, and now she knows it. I’m sure in the morning we are going to have to talk more; I’m going to have to reassure her, but at least for tonight, she fell asleep feeling safe, knowing she’s my girl, and that I love her. So for tonight, that’s good enough.