Protecting My Hart (Protectors Series Book 1) (14 page)

We arrive home and carry everything inside. Ethan makes me laugh when he helps by pulling one or two items out of a bag and carrying them inside. Hartley stays in the kitchen unloading the bags, leaving things on the counter.

“Um, where do you want me to put all of this? Where do things go?”

“Anywhere you want them to. Like I said, Tesoro, not a lot here so you put things away where you want, make yourself completely comfortable here. Rearrange if you want to, I don’t care.”

“Um….”

“Seriously, Hart, it doesn’t matter to me, make it easy on you. You will be the one using the space more than me.”

“It’s your house.”

“Yours too.” I smile and watch the shock and nerves fill her eyes. “For now,” I quickly amend, as I walk back outside to get more bags.

The afternoon was spent at the park, and it was amazing to see Hartley so carefree, playing with Ethan. I have to admit, I enjoyed myself immensely. I never thought that an afternoon playing in the park with a little boy I love completely, watching his mother play and hearing their combined laughter, could be so satisfying. I swear if this happened every day for the rest of my life I would be a very happy man. Hartley made baked chicken, potatoes, and steamed vegetables for dinner and it was amazing. After we ate and cleaned up, Ethan brought his toys into the living room where the three of us played until it was time for him to go to bed. Hart took him in and got him settled; I could hear her reading to him and that brought another smile to my face.

“Hey,” I hear her voice behind me.

“Hey.”

“Ethan asked if you would go in so he could tell you goodnight again.”

“Of course.” I can’t keep the smile out of my voice, and I caress her arm as I pass her. Reaching Ethan’s room, I see he’s lying in bed talking to his bear. “Hey, buddy.”

“Slyde, do you love Momma?” he asks as soon as his eyes meet mine, and I stumble on my feet just shocked at his question.

“Yeah, buddy, I do,” I answer immediately as I sit down on the bed.

“I told you, bear, that he loves Momma,” Ethan scolds his teddy bear and then he looks back to me. “I told him that you did because you give her hugs and kisses and make her feel better when she cries. Just likes she does for me. It’s what you do when you love somebody.” I’m surprised at his comments—he is a smart little guy.

“You’re right, Ethan, I do love your Momma. I have loved her for a very long time, and it makes me sad when she cries, and I want to make her feel better.”

“Momma needs someone to give her hugs when she cries, I give her hugs too, but I think she needs more.”

“I think you are right.”

“I am happy you love Momma, Slyde.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. You make her smile too.”

“Well I like making her smile, and I like making you smile too.”

“You do?”

“Yep. Wanna know why?”

“Why?” he asks and his lips curl up in a smile and his eyes hold curiosity.

I lean down closer to him and whisper, “Because I love you too.”

“You do?” his voice is filled with surprise and his eyes widen.

“Oh yeah, little man. What’s not to love? You are one cool kid, and I want to make you smile, and laugh and for you to be happy.”

Ethan gets up and wraps his arms around my neck giving me a big hug. “I love you, Slyde.” His little voice fills my ears and my heart, and I do my best to keep my emotions in check.

“I love you too, Ethan,” I whisper back keeping him in a tight hug, not wanting to let him go, my heart and soul enjoying this moment. It’s after several minutes I realize that Ethan has fallen asleep on my shoulder, so I carefully lay him back down and cover him up. His face is relaxed when he sleeps, like he doesn’t have a care in the world as it should be for children. Leaving a kiss on his forehead, I switch off the light and leave his room. I return to the living room to find Hartley curled up in the couch hugging her knees she looks deep in thought.

“Hart?” Her head jerks to me, her eyes regaining focus. “Everything OK?”

“Yeah.”

“Ethan is asleep. Do you want to watch TV or a movie?”

“Um, I have something to tell you first.”

“OK.”

“I just wanted to say thank you for today. Really for the last couple of days actually. Today was the first time in a long time, I’ve had a completely happy day without worrying. I’ve been so afraid for so long that I don’t know how to live without the fear. However, with the last couple of days with you around the fear isn’t as bad. I’ve slept.” I can see her try to fight back tears, and I all I want to do is pull her into my arms and hold her. “You’ve taken me and my son in, and you are keeping us safe so I um, I just wanted to tell you thank you.” She gets up and starts to walk down the hall. It’s now or never for my question. She’s opened up a little, and she just might talk about this.

“Hartley. Is Ethan mine?"

The question vibrates through every inch of my body as I remain frozen in the hallway, and I feel the tears building.
How can I explain this to him? How can I tell him that I don’t know but that I have hoped and prayed with every fiber of my being for five years that the answer is yes?
I feel him move closer.

“Hartley, answer me.” Slyde spins me around, his fingers lifting my chin so he can see my face. “Is Ethan my son?”

“I-I-” Choking back a sob, I lower my eyes again, I can’t bear to look at him during this confession. “I-I don’t know,” I whisper.

“He looks like me and his eyes, Hartley, his eyes are not JD’s eyes, and it would only be me or him. Right?”

God, he is going to hate me after this. I can’t avoid this, I’m going to have to tell him, and once I do, the happiness I felt today, the security is all going to disappear, because once he finds out the truth, he is going to want me gone, and I will never see this man again. That thought is enough to keep me from breathing as the pain rips through my body. “No,” I whisper and shake my head in case he didn’t hear me.

“What do you mean no?” His voice is angry and his grip tightens around my arms.

“It’s not what you think,” I try to explain, but the words get stuck. I want to trust this man so badly. I want to hope that after I tell him this he won’t be mad at me. I want to hope that all the feelings that came rushing back when he stepped back into my life might have a chance to be shared, that he might decide that he could love me one day. Even I know that this idea is unlikely. Why would he want me? After I tell him this, he will see me for who I am, he will see that I am nothing, trash. It really makes no difference how I feel or what I hope for because I know that he’ll want me gone after this.

“Well then fucking explain it to me!”

“JD and I only…he did a few…” I take a deep breath and close my eyes. It’s now or never, and I can’t bear to look at him when I tell him this. “JD fucked me two days before you stopped that attack. It was the last time he fucked me. Then you and I had that one perfect, beautiful night.” My eyes open and lock with him “Slyde, you should know that night got me through so much. No one had ever shown me that level of kindness during sex; no one had ever made me feel the way you did. I don’t think anyone ever could. I never knew what it could be like, you know, the give and take, the passion, the incredible feelings. Only you.” Closing my eyes again, I continue, “You left for a few days and JD knew about the attack, but he said it was my fault. He said I was being a tease and I deserved it. He got mad that you had to step in and stop it, saying that I was hiding behind you instead of accepting what I deserved. So he let them have me, both Tiny and Griz. I begged him not to let them touch me, I begged him to stop them. I begged them to stop but they didn’t. JD stood and watched, he cursed and yelled at me, told me I deserved all of this for flaunting myself in front of his men. I don’t know if they ‘finished’. I blocked it all out and became numb. JD beat me after that, screaming and calling me all kinds of names.” I take a deep breath to settle down. I can’t stand to look at him; I just know that he is so angry with me. So I stare at his chest. “I stayed out of the way for the next week, the bruises were mostly gone when you came back that following week, and since it was always dark, they were easy to hide from you, and I just told you I was sick. That’s when you brought me the bear. No man has ever been nice to me like that before. I know it was just a stupid bear, but it means so much to me. Anyway, for whatever reason, if you were there the attacks didn’t happen, and I was left alone, but when you were gone, I was fair game. I got lucky though, they didn’t fuck me anymore, I was just used to suck them off.”

“What.
The
.
Fuck!
” he roars.

“I already told you that it was after you left on that long trip that I found out about Ethan and everything after that. When he was born, I was so scared. It hurt so badly, and I was all alone. When the nurse laid him in my arms and I saw how perfect he was nothing else mattered but keeping him safe. When I saw his eyes I was in shock; they were this perfect blue color, so deep, so amazing. I’d only ever seen that color once, and they belonged to a man that always showed me kindness, he always treated me as if I was a real person. The only times in my life when I can say I was truly happy before Ethan was born were when I was with the owner of those eyes. I could never have him though, except once, but I knew then that it would be the only time. I knew we only had that night because he felt sorry for me, and I had begged him for it. He would never want me. I would never be good enough for him. When I saw those eyes in Ethan I prayed so hard that he inherited them from that man. Because if the universe was going to be nice to me at all they would let my son take after the man who is so kind and caring and good, that I would want my son to be just like him. I will never know who Ethan’s real father is, but I have prayed every day that his father is the man with the matching blue eyes.”

“Hartley, why the fuck didn’t you tell me any of this?”

“It wasn’t your problem, Slyde.”

“Not my problem?” he asks purely shocked.

“It wasn’t. If I had told you it would have caused problems for you. JD might have become suspicious of what happened and he would go after you and I couldn’t let that happen. I knew then that what I felt was completely one-sided, you would never feel like that towards me and there was no point in making my problems yours. I know that you were just being nice because I was in a bad situation, just like you are now. You are a good person Slyde, but I wasn’t about to take advantage of that.”