Promise Me Darkness (35 page)

I turned and ran out the back door as fast as possible. I barely made it to the grass before my stomach emptied what little it had in it. Crouching on my knees in the damp grass, I didn’t hear Janice and Ryder behind me until they were both at my side. Cringing, I pushed Ryder away when he touched me. If I smelled blood or even looked at it, I was afraid I would throw up repeatedly until my throat was raw.

Ryder moved away, giving me space. But I could still smell the blood on him.

Janice gently rubbed my back as I started to dry heave. “It’s okay, Maddie,” she whispered as wretched sounds escaped me.

I shook my head in denial as I fought off another wave of nausea.
It wasn’t okay!
This whole thing was so screwed up that I couldn’t think straight anymore. The world was falling apart around me and I was going down with it.

My heart ached when Ryder rose quietly and walked away. I wanted him beside me. I needed him with me but I was afraid.
Would I ever forget what happened?

“You don’t have to go with him,” Janice said as she brushed strands of hair away from my face.

“No, I want to go with him,” I said. I only felt safe with Ryder. It was that simple.

She smiled. “I believe for the first time in his life, Ryder is in love.”

I wanted to tell her that I wished that were true, that I loved her son with my whole being but heavy footsteps interrupted us.

“Let’s go,” Ryder said in a cold voice, standing above me stiffly.

I looked up at him under the moonlight and cringed at the sight of his face. His right eye was bloodshot and the skin around it was bruised and already swelling. There was crusted blood under his nose and his full bottom lip was split and swollen. He kept his eyes locked on the far distance, refusing to meet my eyes.

I rose unsteadily to my feet, wobbling some when the world spun around me. Without waiting, Ryder started walking toward the Bronco. It was then that I saw he had my backpack slung over his wide shoulder.

What was I doing?
He didn’t want a relationship and here I was going home with him. In a normal world, moving in together was a huge step. Of course, we were no longer living in a normal world.

We drove down the dirt road with only the Bronco’s headlights and the bright moon lighting our way. Only the sounds of crickets and the wind whipping through the open windows could be heard. It was a lonely silence, filled with misery and sorrow.

Ryder kept his eyes locked straight ahead. Not once did he glance at me or acknowledge my presence.

Leaning against the door, I turned my face away and let the tears fall. My dad was gone. Life would never be the same. I would never be the same.

Soon we were pulling up next to Ryder’s house. I wiped the tears off of my cheeks and climbed out of the Bronco on shaky legs. Ryder yanked my backpack and a shotgun out of the backseat, the tension still rolling off his body in waves. He turned his cold eyes on me briefly before trudging toward the front door.

Without speaking, we entered the empty house. Without lighting a candle or using a flashlight, Ryder disappeared down the dark hallway. I followed, moving slower as I felt my way through the darkness.

His bedroom was pitch black but my eyes adjusted quickly. Standing in the doorway, I watched him throw my backpack on his bed. Without a word, he passed me in the doorway, making sure not to touch me. I was left standing in the room, feeling more alone than I ever had before.

When the front door slammed shut, I jumped, the sound reminding me of gunshots. Terror had my heart pounding, remembering the horror of earlier.

My legs suddenly felt shaky and unable to support me. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I looked around the room.
Would Ryder and I ever be the same again or would we just live here without talking to each other? Two people tolerating each other?
But no matter what, I would rather be here than anywhere else.

Ryder returned carrying the bag of my clothes. After putting it in the closet, he turned, his eyes on me.

“You can have the bedroom. I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said. “I know you don’t want to have anything to do with me and I can’t blame you but I want you here. I have to know you’re safe.”

I nodded, my throat closing with unshed tears. I should have told him he was wrong — I wanted to be here and I needed him right now but instead, I stood quietly and averted my eyes from his blood–covered shirt.

Walking over to the closet, he yanked a shirt and a pair of shorts out, his motions angry.

“I’m heading to the creek for a bath. Yell if you need me.” The sharpness in his voice matched his stride as he walked out of the room.

I stood in the dark, suddenly exhausted. I just wanted to go to sleep and forget everything. Forget the men attacking me, forget my dad dying, forget all the blood and terror around me.

Feeling lethargic, I exchanged my clothes for a t–shirt that hit me mid–thigh. Knowing Ryder wasn’t in the house, I crept along the hallway to the bathroom. In the dark, I brushed my teeth without water and avoided looking at myself in the mirror. By the time I crawled into Ryder’s bed, all my energy was gone.

When I pulled the covers over me, the smell of him surrounded me, cocooning me in comfort and reminding me of all that was lost.

Turning onto my side, the tears started to fall, one after the other.
I may never stop crying.
I squeezed my eyes shut, needing to block everything out. If sleep would just come, I could escape it all.

~~~~

He was squeezing my wrists, breaking the bones under his hand.

“You’re going to like thisssssss,” his voice hissed, sounding more like a snake’s than a human’s. “That boyfriend of yoursssss issssss dead. He bled sssssso much when I cut him.”

I struggled but the fight was draining from my body. In horror, I watched as redness started oozing out of his eyes and mouth. He laughed evilly as blood trickled down on me, warm and sticky. At first, it was just drops but then it started gushing out of him, covering me completely, entering my eyes and mouth. Holding me down, he started carving designs into my stomach with his knife. I screamed again and again.

“MADDIE! WAKE UP!”

I jerked awake, fighting the hands that held me down.
He was back! Not again! Please, not again!
I started to kick at him, struggling to get away.

“Maddie! It’s me!”

I stopped fighting when I heard the familiar voice.

“Ryder! He was here!” I cried, sitting up and throwing myself at him. My arms went around his neck and held on for dear life. “He was holding me down and there was blood everywhere! It was in my mouth and soaking into my skin!”

He pulled me into his lap, shushing me the entire time. His arms wrapped around me, tugging me close. I was surrounded by warmth immediately. It seeped into my body and chased away the chill.

“He wasn’t here, Maddie. It was just a dream,” Ryder reassured me, his voice low in the stillness of the night. “It’s just the two of us. No one else is here. You’re safe.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, the awful images still there. Awake or asleep, the last twenty–four hours haunted me.

“Hell, Maddie, you scared the shit out of me screaming like that,” Ryder said softly as his hands moved up and down my back. With each stroke of his hands, my heartbeat slowed down and my breathing returned to normal. The shaking left my body, little by little, leaving me exhausted. Pulling back, Ryder looked at me, concerned. The darkness of the room couldn’t hide his black, swollen eye or cut lip. I cringed to think that I was the cause of it.

He smoothed my hair away from my face before dropping his hands to my waist. The soft cotton of his shorts rubbed against my inner thighs, making me feel that familiar flare of desire. His naked chest and the tattoos wrapped around his arms and torso only added to the feeling. I saw him swallow hard when his erection nudged me through his shorts.

“Crap, I’m sorry,” he said, looking away in disgust. He moved me off of his lap, putting distance between us. “Go back to sleep, Maddie. I’ll be right down the hall if you need me.”

When he started to leave, I grew frightened. I didn’t want to be alone. With him beside me, I wasn’t scared. I was safe.

Desperate, I clambered over to the edge of the bed and grabbed his arm.

“Don’t go.”

“I can’t stay. I can’t be near you without wanting you. Trying to resist you is close to impossible and you don’t need that right now.”

“Please? Stay.”

I saw the indecision on his face for only a second. When he started crawling into bed next to me, I felt relief. His muscular arm went around me, pulling me close as the other hand flung the covers on top of us.

“I don’t know if this is smart, Maddie,” he said, resting his hand on my hip. “It kills me every time you push me away but I’m scared to be near you because I can’t keep my damn hands off of you.” He laughed but it held no humor. “Pretty fucked up but hell, everything’s pretty fucked up right now.”

His thumb made slow circles on top of my hip. With each movement, my t–shirt inched up a little more but I didn’t care. I was safe and starting to feel relaxed. Nothing could replace the feeling of Ryder next to me. I was starting to drift off to sleep when his deep voice rumbled beneath my ear.

“I was so scared,” he said, his voice breaking. “We parked a mile outside of town and walked in. It was a hell–hole. People were begging, sick, and starving. It looked like a war zone.” He took a deep breath and continued. “When we ran into the sheriff, he told us some guys were sniffing around, asking about you. As soon as he described them, we hauled ass back.”

I studied his hand, resting innocently on his abdominal muscles. It was capable of bringing me to my knees in passion, holding me upright when I needed it, or taking someone out with violence. He had more power in that one hand than I had in my whole body.
Yeah, I was safe here with him.

“When I walked in and Mom said you were gone, I lost it. I was out of my mind. When we got to your house, your dad was lying on the ground and weakly pointing toward the house. Then you started screaming.” He yanked the covers off of his legs in frustration. “
God!
Your screams went on and on! I thought I would go berserk, listening to you. Gavin yelled at me to stop – not to go in the house and get ambushed – but I went anyway. There was no way anyone could have stopped me. That big guy met me as soon as I opened the door and I didn’t hesitate to put a bullet in him. But when I saw you lying under that weasel, screaming…” He laid his arm across his forehead and stared up at the ceiling. “I’ve never been so fucking scared.”

Shadows danced across his face. The anguish in his eyes caused me to hurt. Most people would think that Ryder was hard and incapable of caring but I knew differently. This was a side of Ryder that he didn’t let many people see.

“I’m sorry your dad died, Maddie. He was a good man.”

Hearing his words, tears made trails down my face. I wiped them away, wondering how I had anymore tears left.
Did they ever end?

We lay in silence as night sounds echoed through the open window. When his hand went lax against my hip, I thought he had fallen asleep. His rough voice proved otherwise.

“Go to sleep, Maddie. I’ll stay next to you for tonight.”

I closed my eyes and wished it would be for more than just one night.

Time passed slowly. For weeks, Ryder and I were roommates only, barely speaking and trying to avoid each other at all costs.

At night, we slept separately — me in his bed and him on the couch. Many nights, I had nightmares of men and blood. When I cried out in my sleep, Ryder would check on me but he never crawled into bed with me again nor did he touch me again after that first night.

Our days were filled with surviving, doing what was necessary to make it one day at a time. Ryder worked outside most days but he was never far from me, never leaving me alone. For that I was thankful. His parents came by often, as did Gavin. The fight between Ryder and Gavin was a thing of the past, chalked up to the grief and horror of that day.

We continued to live as best as we could despite the lack of electricity and the threat of war. News of what was happening was sporadic and not very reliable. Roger listened to the shortwave radio and sometimes a lone traveler would stop but it didn’t happen very often. From what we learned, conditions had not changed. In fact, things had become worse. Millions of people were dying from starvation, dehydration, diseases, or the war. Thousands were vacating the cities. Not only was the United States under attack but Americans were also fighting Americans. There was no societal structure left, no police, and no government. There were reports that the terrorists had landed on our soil and were scouring the countryside in droves. We didn’t know how safe we were but Ryder made me keep a gun on me at all times.

I thought of my dad and cried for him often. Ryder took me back to his grave every few days. Each time, I didn’t dare go into the house. One day, I would return but for now the horrific memories were still too fresh in my mind to venture inside. My house was no longer my home. It was a place of death and sadness, somewhere I didn’t want to go.

Most of our days were spent in silence. The only time Ryder and I talked was during meals and even then our conversations centered on simple things such as the weather or surviving. Ryder insisted on teaching me how to make fire using only sticks and the best way to purify creek water. He taught me how to tie a knot that would hold anything and how to set a small trap.

But we never talked about us.

~~~~

It was early one morning that things begin to change. Ryder announced he was going hunting and insisted I go too. I refused.

"I’m not leaving you alone. You’re coming," he said, growing angry.

We were standing in the kitchen, glaring at each other, neither of us willing to bend. He wanted me to go hunting with him. I just wanted to stay home.