Portraits (67 page)

As they drove along El Camino Lillian said, “Mama, you look like the cat that swallowed the canary.”

“Well, you will too when you see what I have to show you.”

Suddenly Sara veered to the inside lane, swung left on Atherton Avenue and drove into the Flood Estate area. She drove slowly through a magnificent wooded area and stopped in front of a rambling one-story ranch house that was shaded by the tall oaks. The “For Sale” sign had a “Sold” sign tacked across it.

Before getting out of the car, Lillian looked closely at her mother. “This is the surprise?”

“Yes.” Sara beamed.

“Mama, I think it’s lovely—”

“Wait, you haven’t even
seen
it. When you do, you’ll go absolutely wild about it—”

“I’m sure I will, mama, and thank you, but did it occur to you that the reason we had to move out of the first apartment was because of Jerry’s salary? Mama, we have to be practical—”

“Don’t worry about Jerry’s salary. Obviously you can’t live in this house on what he makes now. You think I’m that stupid?”

“I never thought that, mama, but it’s a fact you’re not very good at mathematics. What can Jerry earn as a truck driver? Nadine and Sandy can’t own a house like this and he makes a better salary than Jerry.”

“There’s a big difference between you and Nadine. Your future is set.
You
have a mother and father who are going to provide for you.”

“That’s very reassuring, but what I’m worried about is right now. How are we going to afford this?”

“Lillian, you’re either very stupid or you’re not listening to me. I told you that Jerry’s salary was going to be…commensurate.”

“Jerry isn’t going to be too happy about that. He wants to
earn
his money, mama.”

“Believe me, he’ll earn it. In fact, he’s going to be a salesman.”

Lillian sighed. “Look, mama. I don’t want to bring up anything unpleasant and I beg you not to get upset about this…but Doris is really having a struggle. Don’t you think it will be a slap in the face to her if you buy this for us? You’ve already done so much more for us—”

“Henry’s a lazy
doctor
, and I’m not going to make life easy for him. At least Jerry’s not lazy.”

“Even if that were true,
Doris
is the one having a rough time. I’m not.”

“Well, that’s too bad. She should never have married him…well, she’s his responsibility now. If she had any brains in her head she’d leave him.”

Lillian shut her eyes. Poor Doris…mama was punishing her for what was really mama’s and papa’s mistake…

“Okay, enough about them, let’s take a look at the house,” Sara said.

The double doors opened onto a flagstone foyer, and beyond was a twenty-five-foot livingroom and a lovely field-stone fireplace. The diningroom was light and airy, and a short hallway led to the kitchen, and a longer one to the three lovely bedrooms and two baths. It should have been the dream of Lillian’s life, but it was not—not when she thought of the demands that were going to be laid on Jerry to produce. There just ain’t no Santa Claus, and Lillian knew all too well she was going to pay for this house in more than money.

“
Well,
Lillian,” Sara said, “what do you think, is it gorgeous?”

“Gorgeous…What did it cost?”

“Seventeen thousand dollars. Papa and I are giving you the down payment and the rest you’ll pay out like rent.”

“And how much will the payments be?”

“I don’t know. You’ll talk to papa about that. The important thing is you’ll be living like I always wanted for you.”

But what about me? And why do you want me to live this way? To show off to the world how good you’ve been to your children? Or is it because you and papa can’t stand living together and you need us to fill up the void in your life?…

On the first Sunday in June, Sara’s help, Otto and Helga, were at Lillian’s house for the housewarming, and several waitresses had also been hired. Sara planned the whole affair. All of Lillian’s friends from the city had been invited. And, of course, Nadine, Jean and the Blums—Sara especially wanted them to see the house. The only disappointment for Sara was that Rachel had been invited down to Pebble Beach, she said, and couldn’t make it.

When Doris arrived with her two children, Sara was rather irritated. “Doris, don’t you think you could have gotten a baby sitter—?”

“No, mama, I couldn’t afford it…I’ll be sure they don’t step on anybody’s furniture.” There were no words to describe her feelings as she looked through the house, and no one was more aware of her pain than Lillian—nor felt more guilt…

Shortly after Doris had arrived, she said she wasn’t feeling well, and mama had felt badly about that and said she’d call in the morning…Doris was silent all the way home. It was true…mama hadn’t wanted her and was still busy proving it. And Lillian? What price would she pay for allowing mama to run her life? The way she’d tried to run hers…

W
HEN CANDICE WAS A
year old, Lillian had another little girl. Cindy was just as beautiful as Candy, but she looked exactly like Jerry, which greatly pleased Lillian. Lillian and Jerry were as happy a couple as ever, but the Sanderses were a continuing presence in their lives—a presence that was less and less bearable.

Jerry had become a salesman, and the promotion had made Jacob more demanding than ever before. Finally Jerry just couldn’t take it any longer…

“Lillian, I don’t know if I can go on with your father. All he does is complain, no matter what I do. The only peace I have is when he’s away. And I’m getting damned tired of never having a moment to ourselves. They’re either here for dinner or we’re over there almost every night of the week. And your mother’s always letting us know how much she does for us and how they bought the house for us and how little we appreciate it, and so forth…I’m very sick and tired of the whole damned thing, if you want to know the truth.”

Lillian sighed. “Honey, I know, I agree with everything you say. But you tell me—what
choices
do we have?”

“Look, we don’t need this house. I don’t even feel like it’s ours anyway. Your father makes me feel like he’s supporting me. If I want to take my family to Tahoe for a week he makes me feel like it’s
his
money I’m spending.”

“Jerry, you just got a little off the subject. What can we
do
about it?”

“What we can do is sell this damn place and move somewhere further away from them, back to the city. At least they won’t be able to drop in so often—”

“Jerry, you know what this means, don’t you?”

“You bet I do. It means your father’s going to fire me and your mother’s going to go off like a rocket because I’m taking away not her daughter but her
companion
…You once said I was a coward, right? Let’s see how brave you are…Are you ready?”

“I don’t know how my ulcer will take it, but I do know you’re right, absolutely right…”

“Okay, shape up the kids. We’re going over and have it out with your dad tonight.”

“But what are you going to do for a living?”

“Look, I can always go back to Roos Brothers. In the meantime, property values are better and we’ll make a little profit on the house. I’ll give back the down payment to your father and with the rest…well, I thought I’d look around for a little store, maybe open up a haberdashery shop. Maybe Nat and Mike will go in as partners.” …

They found Sara and Jacob sitting in the library. Jacob beamed when he saw his grandchildren. Candy climbed into his lap, just the way his daughters had done when they were young. Candy even reminded him of Rachel at the same age…

“Oh, I’m so glad you brought the children over,” Sara said—as though she hadn’t just seen them this afternoon.

Lillian and Jerry looked at each other. Who would go first?

Jerry sat down in one of the leather chairs, cleared his throat nervously. “Jacob, Lillian and I have talked this over very carefully and the truth of the matter is…we feel we’re living above our means.”

Jacob set Candy down from his lap and stood up. “What are you saying, you want me to give you a raise?”

Trying to keep calm, Jerry answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I think you give me far too much money for the amount of work I do…Lillian and I have decided we’re going to sell the house—”

Sara dropped four stitches and Jacob found full voice. “You’re absolutely right. You don’t earn half of what I pay you. And as far as you’re concerned, Lillian, you don’t deserve parents like us. What do you do for us? The only pleasure we have is in seeing our grandchildren, and now you want to deprive us of that? As far as I’m concerned, Jerry, you just gave me your notice.” With that, he stormed from the room and went upstairs.

Sara went on where Jacob had left off, and she was shaking visibly. “Everything your father said is
absolutely right
. You’re unbelievably unfair to take our grandchildren away. And as far as I’m concerned I don’t want to have anything to do with either one of you—”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, mama…”

“You were never sorry about a thing in your whole life. See how it’s going to feel, being on your own. We’ve just made life too good for you…”

Without another word, Lillian got up and put the children’s coats on, and the four of them left…

After putting the children to bed, they sat in the living-room, silent for a moment.

Then: “Jerry, I think we really burned our bridges.” Lillian was trying to hold back her tears, but she was very frightened.

“Maybe, but I’m not going to let them control my life. I’m sorry it’s so hard on you, but it had to be done.”

“What are we going to do in the meantime, until the house is sold?”

“I’ve still got this month’s salary coming, and we’ve got a few dollars in the bank. I’ll start looking for a job tomorrow.” …

The house was sold a month later. Jerry sent Jacob a check for the original down payment, paid off the mortgage and netted out twelve thousand dollars in equity and profit. Lillian thought it would be far better for the children if they remained on the Peninsula, so instead of moving to San Francisco they bought a lovely two-story Spanish house on Row Hampton Road in Hillsborough, with the minimum of ten percent down and a four-and-a-half-percent thirty-year loan.

Jerry commuted to the city by train and was working at Roos Brothers while he looked for a small store. His salary was three hundred dollars a month, which barely paid expenses—but they lived very frugally…

Finally Jerry took what little money they had and invested it in a tie shop on Powell Street. He was happy to be finally working for himself and at first he had been certain he could make a good living—until the daily receipts showed differently. If he took home twenty-five dollars at the end of the day he was lucky. The unit sales showed that the average customer bought three ties at the most, so he knew that he’d have to expand stock to include men’s shirts. But he didn’t have enough capital, and as a result had to ask his best friend Nat Fried, whom he’d grown up with in the Bronx, to come into partnership with him. At first Nat resisted. He had a fairly good job and two thousand dollars saved, and to invest in a business that was barely making it didn’t quite make sense. But Jerry hammered away. “So, okay, Nat, you saved two thousand dollars. Tell me, how long did that take you? Five years? What kind of future do you have working as a salesman?”

“What the hell future do you have in a tie shop you can hardly make a living in?”

“A big one if I had the money to stock up better. Sure, I can’t make it just on ties. But if we expand I know we can make it.”

Nat thought carefully. The location was very good, he couldn’t argue about that. And if Jerry knew anything it was how to buy, and he had good taste. Maybe this
was
his opportunity.

“Okay, Jerry…I’m a little nervous about taking the plunge, but you just got yourself a partner, partner…”

It wasn’t too long afterwards that Jerry was to regret taking Nat in…As soon as the business was beginning to show a small profit, Jerry’s best—and most trusted—friend commenced to tap the till. When Jerry found out, he hit the ceiling and the fight they had ended in Jerry saying, “You and I are through. I should have listened to you when you said you didn’t want to come into the business. Now I want you out.”

“Really? Okay, buy me out.”

“Fine. I’ll raise the two thousand dollars you put in and that’s finished.”

“How are you going to raise the money?”

“I’ll take out a personal loan.”

“You better take it out for five thousand, because that’s what I want.”

“You bastard. I have ninety-five hundred dollars invested.
I
started the business. The lease is in
my
name. I took you in for two thousand and you want five?”

“You asked me, remember?”

Jerry slowly shook his head. “I would never have believed in a million years that you’d do this to me…”

“Friendship is one thing, business is another. I want to survive, same as you. You forgot I left a good job.”

“You left a good job? You were president of Macy’s, right? Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll get a loan of three thousand dollars and you can go to hell.”

The partnership had largely been dissolved when the lease on the store came due and the landlord raised the rent. Jerry sat in his small office with his head in his hands and knew it was over. He couldn’t make it, no matter what. The competition was too great. The merchandise he sold could be bought in every department store in the city, where people could charge and pay their bills off later. He couldn’t compete with that.

The next day, “Going Out of Business” signs were plastered across the windows. Lillian came down to help, and there was tension between them for the first time since their marriage…but it remained unspoken. Lillian just couldn’t help feeling angry that Jerry had been so impulsive in leaving his job with papa. At least he’d made a good and dependable salary, and if need be she could always have gone to papa for help. But where did they go from here?…

Jerry’s thoughts were no different. Damn it, he guessed he should have overlooked Jacob’s tirades for the sake of his family…When the last day of the sale was over, he came out with a whopping four thousand dollars. What now? What, indeed?