Portraits (68 page)

After Lillian moved away Sara and Jacob refused to have anything to do with her. At first Sara turned back to Doris, but Michele was now in nursery school, which made it impossible for Doris to go along with Sara’s requests that she come to stay for long periods of time. After a while Sara was reduced to calling Rachel more often, but there too she found only frustration. Rachel and Jim had bought a house in Palm Springs, where they spent the winters, and Sara knew it was a deliberate attempt on Rachel’s part to divorce herself from the family. So Sara had lonely hours to spare in the huge empty house…thinking about the people who had passed through her life, and left her…Mollie, Louie, Jacob, and now every one of her children…

It was through Doris that she heard about Jerry’s failure, and after a week thinking about it she finally was ready to call Lillian. Maybe
now
she would realize how important her parents were…

Lillian could not hold back her tears over having to admit Jerry’s failure.

“Look, Lillian,” Sara said, “don’t feel it’s the end of the world. After all, I’m not going to allow you and the children to starve. I’ll talk to your father about having Jerry come back to the plant…”

Except the task that lay before Sara was not quite as simple as she’d thought; Jacob’s anger toward Jerry was far from appeased. Still, with Sara’s pleading, he finally relented and allowed Jerry to come back to work—but not as a salesman. His salary would remain the same, of course, but Jerry had to realize that Jacob was in command.

Once again, the husband of the heiress was back at work as a truck driver.

D
ECEMBER 7, 1941: THE
bombing of Pearl Harbor. It not only changed the course of world history, it even changed the course of Doris and Henry Levin’s life.

Doctors were being inducted into the armed forces and Henry went down for his physical, but to his great surprise he was rejected. When he was given the eye test, it was discovered that he was color blind—which immediately put him into the category of 4-F. With the shortage of doctors in civilian life, Henry now hit a bonanza. Almost overnight he was deluged with patients. He not only expanded his office space and acquired a nurse, but also a house in Seacliff.

It was love at first sight when Doris saw the fifty-year-old Georgian two-story house. The moment she walked into the octagonal foyer and looked at the spiral staircase, she knew this was the house she had dreamed of all her life. She moved on to the sunken livingroom, spacious and filled with sunlight. The oval diningroom with wood molding and the large old-fashioned kitchen charmed her, as did the paneled library. She walked slowly, softly, up the stairs, went from one bedroom to the next. Michele would have the canopy bed she’d wanted so, and Gary would have all the room he could use for his pennants and books and the drum set would stand in the corner. The master suite had bay windows and seemed as large as some of the apartments she had lived in. The fourth bedroom would be a guest room. The only thing she found superfluous were the maids’ quarters, but she would use those rooms for storage, shut them off, or maybe use one for an office…She walked back to the livingroom and began to visualize how she would furnish it. What a job it was going to be to shop—and she was not going to have a decorator. She wanted
her
house to be invitingly elegant—not like mama’s where one felt as though there was an invisible rope saying, “Do Not Enter,” nor like Rachel’s, where you felt you really ought to remove your shoes. Her house would be filled with spring blossoms and big informal vases of flowers. And this time everything was going to be her choice, reflect her personality…

They furnished the house, paying it out on terms, and for once Doris didn’t worry whether Henry was able to afford it, and Henry, for the first time, was a man who felt a sense of accomplishment.

Doris’ life seemed complete. In more ways than one the best part of her time was spent with the children. She took them to and from school…her days were filled with the PTA, the Brownies, Sunday School, piano lessons, the orthodontist. Henry bought her a Chevrolet coupe, which gave her life a new horizon—she was able to acquire friends and keep up with them socially…

Her mother was not so happy. Jacob traveled more and more as his business expanded to enormous proportions, and she was left for even longer periods of time in the isolated mansion. Otto and Helga, the live-in help, were the only human beings she had any contact with, and she clung to them as though they were not only her family but her redeemers. She carefully furnished their apartment above the garage. If she thought something would please Helga, she bought it for her. In fact, Sara meticulously went through her closets and gave armloads of clothes to Helga to send back to her sister in Germany by way of Switzerland.

When Doris heard about it she was horrified. Millions of Jews had been annihilated or were struggling to put their lives back together, and mama was helping Helga’s sister fill out her wardrobe?

“Mama, don’t you realize what a bad thing you’re doing?”

“What Helga does with the things I gave her I don’t know.”

“But of course you do, mama.”

“The only thing I know is that I could live and die here alone if it weren’t for them. They love me better than my own children.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way, but the point is—”

“I don’t want to discuss it anymore. What I do with what’s mine is my business. Now I want you to go home. I’m very tired and want to rest.”

For mama, the big war was still inside. And she had no planes or tanks to fight it with…

Yes, Sara thanked God for Helga and Otto, but they hardly filled the void in her life. The more time she spent alone, the more the old fears and angers haunted her…“What can I do with my life, my days and nights? Please…help me.” She had finally broken down and called Doris.

Doris all but begged her to become involved in the community. There was so much that needed to be done, especially with the war effort. Sara thought maybe that could be a solution to her problem, so she joined the Red Cross. But she really hated it. She made brief attempts to get involved with other activities, but nothing seemed to satisfy her for long.

Her unhappiness grew so unbearable that finally she decided anything would be better than the way she was living…She confronted Jacob when he returned from one of his trips. “I can’t go on this way, Jacob. I want you to sell the house. There’s simply got to be more to my life than this…”

She begged him to understand her reasons but one word led to another and the argument left her in such a state that she issued an ultimatum to end all ultimatums. Unless he sold the house and moved back to the city, she was going to get a divorce.

Jacob was stunned into silence, then said that was craziness, that she couldn’t just walk out. Would she…? But he didn’t say he would sell the house—and he didn’t say how much he needed her. In the end, she packed her luggage and
left
…

Doris opened the door to find mama standing surrounded by her suitcases…Sara simply moved in.

That night they sat in the den and talked about her problems. “Sara, I can’t say that I totally blame you,” Henry said. “Loneliness drives people to do some very desperate things. But I can’t believe there’s no other way for you and Jacob to work out your differences. I think you’ve made a very, very serious error. Jacob isn’t a man who forgives easily, as you know, and before you do anything drastic I think you should try to—”

“I know you mean well, Henry, but I’m not exactly a child. I’m a fifty-year-old woman and this wasn’t an impulsive act. I just can’t go on living the way I’ve been. Tomorrow I have an appointment with an attorney. Once and for all, I’m going to find some kind of life for myself.”

“Well, divorce is a drastic step. If you have any doubts, think it over carefully. Jacob may never forgive you, take my advice, let things cool down for a while—”

“No, this is one time in my life I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to stick to it…”

The next day Sara went downtown, bought herself a new mink coat, an entire wardrobe at Elizabeth Arden, then went to the travel agency to get a flight to Palm Springs. Then she went to a rental agency and inquired about a house. Sight unseen, she leased an estate…Yes, indeed, she had made her decision. She was going to make friends, join clubs, entertain. Life was going to be everything she’d expected it to be, and about time too…

That evening when she came back and told Doris and Henry what she had done, they knew she had no idea of what she was doing. “Mama, in your present state of mind you just don’t realize what you’re doing. Please, for your own sake, don’t do this…It’s wrong. Try to fix up your differences with papa, somehow, some way. If you can live alone in Palm Springs why—”

“Doris, I’ve been married over thirty years and please don’t tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing. For the first time in my life I know what I’m doing.”

“But this shopping spree will only aggravate matters. When papa gets the bills he’s going to know why you’ve done this—”

“I’m not returning anything. I have it coming to me—and that’s not all he’s going to pay for. He’s going to pay for every lonely minute without any love or affection…He only gets the message through his pocketbook.”

There was nothing either one of them could say to reach her. But maybe Lillian could get through to her? Doris called her late one night.

“Lillian, mama’s gone absolutely around the bend…she’s spending money right and left, and nothing Henry or I say can stop her.”

“I hate to tell you this, Doris, but papa’s just as angry at you as he is at mama. He thinks you’ve taken sides with her.”

“What would you have done, Lillian, if mama came to your house with her bags all packed? What would you have said…No, you’re not welcome? Would you have turned her away?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact I think I would, and that’s what you should have done.”

“I haven’t sided with mama at all, Lillian. I pleaded and begged with her to go back to papa. But I can hardly throw her out, can I? I tried to get in touch with him but he refuses to talk with me.”

“I just told you why.”

“Well, when it gets down to taking sides, Lillian, haven’t you taken sides with him against mama?”

“No, not really. He’s rambling around the big house in Woodside and the only time we see him is when I invite him to dinner. Obviously, he’s very lonely. Not only lonely, but embarrassed and frightened about what this is going to mean to his finances. And the thing that hurts him most of all is having been served with divorce papers. You do know, Doris, that mama’s attorney subpoenaed his books? They want a settlement of half of what he has, plus five thousand dollars a month in temporary alimony. Look, nobody has to tell me what a difficult man he is, and I hardly blame her for everything, but the truth is she isn’t the only woman in the world who has a husband who makes his living traveling. It’s just that she has no…resilience, no desire or maybe ability to accept compromises of any kind…Other women do it, why couldn’t she? Instead of depending on all of us…Anyway, I think you’ve made a big mistake, Doris, by letting her stay with you…”

When they hung up Doris felt caught…Mama had not only disrupted her entire household, but had put her in the middle of something she wasn’t responsible for and had no idea what to do about…

After a month of separation much of the frenzied excitement of Sara’s previous determination began to subside. Now she began to miss her home, badly, and the thought of starting a new life at her age began to seem more and more frightening. In spite of herself, she also began to miss Jacob. Even though he was rarely home, at least there was a feeling of…permanency with him…

As the days wore on, her regrets and insecurities deepened. Now she privately hoped she could resolve things with Jacob, but how in the world could she put things right?

Henry and Doris noticed her worsening depression, and one afternoon Henry knocked on Sara’s door to talk to her about it. “Sara, we all make mistakes in our lives and some are irrevocable. But I honestly believe that you should try to make up with Jacob. You’re not happy without him…marriage becomes a habit. Believe me, Sara, I know what you’re feeling. Now if I suggest something, will you at least listen carefully?”

She nodded slowly.

“I know Jacob’s sentiments about our having taken sides with you—which doesn’t happen to be the case, as you know—but I’m more than willing to drive you home this evening and try to get the two of you back together again.”

Sara, in spite of herself, began to cry. Because, of course, that was really what she wanted, to go home to her husband. However, Henry would never be the person to bring about a reconciliation. Only one person could do that…Shlomo.

She called him immediately.

“Do you want me to come to Doris’, Sara?” She could hear the anxiety in Shlomo’s voice, and knew he was anxious to help.

“Thank you, but would it be all right if I came to your house? I want us to be alone.”

“Of course, Sara, come anytime—”

“What about eight o’clock?”

“Why don’t you come now? Nadine will hold dinner.”

Nadine was the last person she wanted to talk to, not under these circumstances…“Thank you very much, but we’re about to sit down. I’ll be there at eight. And you won’t mind if we speak alone? I’m sure you understand.” …

At eight o’clock Sara was sitting with Shlomo in his den. “You know that my life with Jacob was no bed of roses, Shlomo, and feeling desperate can push a person to do a lot of foolish things…but, well, emotions and feelings don’t stay the same. I’ve been separated a month, and I’ve taken a little different look at my life. Jacob and I were mere children when we met. I suppose the fact I’ve been married to him for so long makes me feel lost now…that’s how I feel, lost…Oh, God, I want to go back to him, tell me what I should do—”

“Well, Sara, to be honest, I don’t think Jacob’s going to be too receptive. He’s been badly hurt and the articles in the paper haven’t helped. I don’t know whether you know this, but his credit has been affected, too…banks get a little jumpy when they hear about divorces. All in all, it’s been tough on him, believe me…”