Portraits (62 page)

Damn Sara for bringing up a word that had been haunting him for six months now. Mistress…

It had started the day Gloria Allen came to work for the meat packing company as a telephone operator. She was a beautiful young auburn-haired woman with lovely eyes, a supple body and a lilting voice that made him uncomfortably aware of her. That’s why he’d reacted so when Sara had said he had a mistress. Tonight’s argument brought Gloria sharply into focus. He suddenly realized he wanted to go to bed with her, and the revelation not only startled him, but made him feel terribly guilty…

The next day Jacob simply couldn’t face going home and sitting across from Sara at that long dinner table. Not tonight…

He walked into the Frenchman’s, the only decent restaurant in Hayward.

While waiting for his dinner to be served he looked across the room and was startled to see Gloria Allen. For a moment he was tempted to ask her to join him, then immediately dismissed the thought. With last night’s revelation still fresh in his mind, that would be tempting the gods. In fact, he almost wondered if he should fire her…

After dinner he slid out of the booth and walked toward the cashier. When he had paid his check he turned around—only to find Gloria Allen standing behind him.

“Good evening, Mr. Sanders…”

He answered formally, “Good evening.” He paused, then said abruptly, “Here, let me pay for that.” He took the check from her hand.

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders…”

He held the wide door open as she stepped into the soft twilight.

“Well, goodnight, Mr. Sanders. And thank you for dinner.”

“Where do you live?”

“Oh, not too far. I take the streetcar and get off one block from my place.”

“Here, let me take you home—”

“You’re sure it’s not putting you out?”

He looked at her…What the hell was wrong with him? Maybe he should let her take the streetcar, but impulse overcame logic. “No, it’s not putting me out. My car’s across the street.”

There was something sensuous about the sound of Gloria’s high heels tapping against the concrete…He slid into the seat behind the steering wheel, and she let herself into the passenger seat and sat silently as he started the car. Except for the directions to her place, not a word was exchanged.

Soon they reached the three-story building in which she lived, and she let herself out of the car. “Well, thanks a lot, Mr. Sanders—”

Before he could respond she had shut the car door and was walking up the stairs.

Once inside she leaned against the door, feeling very embarrassed. The meeting must have been so transparent. How was she going to greet him at work tomorrow?…

She greeted him as usual the next morning, and his cold reply made her feel even more ridiculous.

A
FTER CLOSING TIME JACOB
sat behind the steering wheel for a long contemplative moment, then turned the key and started the ignition. Although he sat a moment longer, he knew what he was going to do.

Gloria was standing on the corner, waiting for the streetcar, when he pulled up at the curb beside her and leaned over to open the opposite door.

“Get in, Gloria, I’ll drive you home…”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanders,” she said as she got in.

“For what?”

“Driving me home—”

“Listen, do you feel like going out to dinner?”

Now her pulse raced. A few weeks ago she would have encouraged him, but tonight her instincts urged her to be sensible. Besides, he had hardly said a word to her since that meeting in the restaurant, and although she still found him attractive she was ill at ease with him.

“I’d like to, but my kids are expecting me for dinner.”

“Who’s with them now?”

“My mother. She has a little house in Livermore, that’s where I’m going—”

“So why can’t you call and tell her you’re going out?”

“Because my kids live with her and I haven’t seen them all week.”

“Another day won’t make that much difference, will it? I’d like very much to have dinner with you.”

“Well… I suppose they’ll be a little disappointed…”

“They’ll get over it. Here’s some change. Why don’t you call?”

She hesitated, then took the change…

The restaurant Gloria had recommended was small. There was only one other couple in the place—for which Jacob was grateful. He was beset with an assortment of feelings as he looked at Gloria across the round, candlelit table. Guilt was at the head of the list. But still, he was happy to be with Gloria. She was…soft, and there was a tenderness in her lovely eyes…although a sadness too.

After their orders had been given, Jacob said, “How old are your children?”

“My youngest, Barbara, is six and Julie is eight.”

“It must be difficult raising them alone.”

“Well, it hasn’t been easy, but thank God for my mother—”

“Are you divorced?”

“No…”

“Separated?”

“Deserted—”

Deserted…He knew what that felt like. No one ever forgot, no matter how long one lived. From his childhood in Poland through his marriage with Sara, it seemed he’d been deserted time and time again. At this moment he felt a special bond with this young woman sitting across from him. “How long have you been alone?”

“Since Barbara was born…And you don’t know how grateful I was for the job, Mr. Sanders.”

He understood that too. The sign in Mr. Mendlebaum’s window…he had been alone until they took him in and gave him a job…and their love…

“Why haven’t you gotten a divorce? You can, you know.”

“I suppose, but I don’t need a divorce. I don’t want to get married again, ever—”

“How do you know? You’re a young woman.”

“I just know, Mr. Sanders.”

When the food was brought to the table he asked, “Do you come here often?”

“No, only once before…”

Did she have a lover, he wondered? “That night I saw you at the Frenchman’s, I thought you were meeting someone…”

“I was just feeling very down and thought I’d give myself a treat.”

She immediately regretted the lie. She knew now that he was interested in her. Why couldn’t people simply say what they felt instead of playing games? “Did you ever do anything you regretted, Mr. Sanders?”

“More than once. What do you regret?”

“I deliberately went to dinner that night, knowing you were going to be there.”

He looked puzzled. “How did you know that?”

“When you told me to call your house, I just figured you were going to have dinner alone. That’s how I happened to be in the restaurant that night. I even know why you weren’t going home…When you work as an operator you find out an awful lot of things and I just gave way to an impulse…”

Jacob was shocked that she’d thought about him at all. And in those terms? He didn’t think of himself as a romantic figure but she seemed to be telling him that he was.

“Gloria, I have a very…warm feeling for you. In fact, I have for quite some time now—”

She looked bewildered. He had all but ignored her in the office.

“We’re two rather lonely people, Gloria, and I think we need each other.”

“I need you, but I want to make it clear right now that it has nothing to do with your wealth or your position. There’s just something good in you that I sense, and I want to know that part of you better and to share things with you. I hope that doesn’t sound too forward…it’s the plain truth…”

He reached over and took her hand. Nobody had ever said such things to him. In the beginning Sara had said she loved him, but he learned she didn’t love him as much as the security of being with a man who would protect her. Lotte had said she loved him, but he suspected her feelings might have been like Sara’s. Who had ever liked him for himself…?

“I can’t promise you anything, Gloria. It’s only right that I tell you I can never get a divorce—”

“I don’t expect that. You have children and you must love them a great deal.”

“That’s not the reason.”

“I hope this won’t hurt your feelings, but I feel very sorry for your wife—”

“For my wife?”

“Yes. She has a good man and for reasons I couldn’t guess she doesn’t know it. I think all you ever wanted was…to be loved, and appreciated?”

This
stranger
seemed to know so much more about him, and he had already told her things he’d never told anyone…

They drove to Gloria’s small studio apartment, and there Jacob discovered something he had never experienced—the kind of lovemaking that was uniquely shared by two people. Even early in his marriage Sara had been passive, as if she were somewhere else and it wasn’t happening to her…

Later as they lay together he said, “Gloria, I don’t know what to do for you. You’ve made me feel so good…and I’d like us to continue seeing each other, but will you be satisfied with that?”

“I never thought I’d have you on any terms—”

“Maybe you should stop working? I’ll take care of you and your children—”

“No. If I did, look what I’d be giving up. I’ll see you more than your family.”

“All right, all right, anything you want—”

“I want you, Jack, just the way it is now and just the way you are now.”

He heard what she said, but it was hard to believe it. He’d make the effort…

The longer the liaison with Gloria lasted, the more secure he became. He didn’t have to worry about Sara seeing a change in him. His routine was the same, and he was no more or less demonstrative with her than he’d ever been. He also knew it would never occur to her to think that he might be…unfaithful. She thought she had him securely under her thumb and that he was so busy that the last thing in the world he’d have time for was another woman…An ill-chosen word…“mistress”…He almost thanked her for it. It had been the catalyst to something, the deep need in him that had been building longer than even he knew…He’d found a woman who gave of herself, who wanted him for himself, and wanted nothing more…

In the beginning it was difficult to convince himself she wouldn’t turn away from him one day—and that kept him from trusting her completely. Even during their most intimate moments, he had thoughts of…his mother abandoning him, Lotte betraying him, Sara’s self-centeredness that pushed him out of her life—he’d never forgotten the abortion, he always lived with the haunting feeling that the child she destroyed might have been that boy…

As his relationship with Gloria went on he learned to accept that she was what she seemed…a woman of understanding, of compassion. He thanked God for her…she gave him so much and demanded nothing in return. And because she did, Jacob wanted to do more and more for her, give her as much as she would accept. It was difficult not to make comparisons between this girl who took his gifts only reluctantly and his family, who always seemed to want more…

Nights after the passion was spent he would lie there with his arms around her and allow himself to talk about his childhood. She helped him to do it, seeming to feel the pain he felt. Only to her could he confess his boyish heartbreak over Lotte that never left the man, his maddening frustrations with Sara. Gloria was, as he told her, the only person he’d actually felt loved by, and it was a continuing mystery to him how or why she had fallen in love with him.

“I think,” she said, “it was because I sensed from the start how much you needed to be loved, how open you were to it, even if you didn’t know it. And your need was also mine…I needed to give…” She laughed lightly. “At the
very
first I didn’t really know why I felt drawn to you…and then I did. I realized you were afraid of me…yes, you were…and you tried to hide it. You’re a man who never showed his true feelings. Call it instinct, anything you want. Maybe that’s where love begins, I don’t know.” She kissed him and smiled. “But you underestimate yourself, Mr. Jack Sanders. It wasn’t just instinct on my part. You also happen to be just about the most handsome man I’ve ever met. In or out of bed.”

She knew he wouldn’t respond to the compliment, nor did she expect him to. Compliments embarrassed him. Still, she knew he not only liked hearing it, but
needed
to hear it said. She also knew he could never use the word
love
or return a compliment, but the way he made love left no doubt about his feelings.

D
ORIS SAT IN THE
park watching as Michele played in the sandbox. It was her ninth month now, and her belly bulged so that she could make a bet it was going to be triplets. Nothing would surprise her.

The thoughts that crept into Doris’ head were surely not new, but somehow, today they were more acute. You’re feeling more than a little sorry for yourself, she told herself. You’re damned right, but why now? Well, I suppose it has to do with what’s inside my belly and that adorable little girl going down the slide. I’m trying to sort out the pieces, to figure out what brought me to here, to now…but to answer that would take me back to my parents’ childhoods, even further back than that. Still, I suppose it’s all one and the same, the way one generation affects the next…All right, then, so let’s talk about mama and papa. Papa first…he came out of a different set of circumstances than mama, but both were unloved, unwanted—at least papa
thought
he was unwanted, which is what counts. Their similarities might have been what had attracted them to each other from the start, but the similarities had eventually led to driving them apart—and their children had been paying for it ever since…Two people meet, their children’s destinies as well as their own seem set. In our case, our parents are people who probably shouldn’t have been parents in the first place. Just because people can give birth doesn’t qualify them to take on the responsibility of molding other human beings. Children need understanding, not just a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. They need
love
to grow on too…

Of course, I’d love to give my children all the things I didn’t have, but if I can’t do that, my children are
still
going to get all the love and understanding I possess. I just can’t remember a kiss from papa or a kind loving word from mama—but they didn’t understand each other, so how could they understand us, give to us…? The only one of us who fought back was Rachel, and she escaped. Hooray for her. Me? I’m like a frightened bunny, scared to death of everyone, afraid of rejection, of insecurity…I’m afraid to let go for fear I’ll end up living my old age on charity. And what did they give us spiritually? Nothing much, I’m sorry to say.