Poison Me Sweetly (16 page)

I spin around and walk away before anything more can
be said. I ignore the few stares I get from the other people in the waiting
room and hurry down the hall. I make my way outside, and my car is right where
I left it. I quickly slide in and start it up. After parking it in the
visitor’s parking lot, I cut the engine and sit there in silence for a long
moment. I draw in a deep shaky breath and try to hold on to my composure. I
have to stay strong for Ace. I can't lose it, so I spend five minutes trying to
shake the fear off. If I let it overwhelm me, I'll end up freaking out on the
guys.

By the time I re-enter the waiting room, I feel like
I've recovered my composure. That's when I spy the guys standing rather than
sitting. My pace picks up as I realize someone must have come out to speak with
them.

AJ spies me. He grins widely and opens his arms up.
He's
smiling
. He wouldn't be smiling if Ace was dead. I rush to him,
flinging myself in his arms as my eyes burn with tears of relief. I fight them
back and hug him tightly. “He's fine,
Zo
. He'll be
back home tomorrow, good as new,” he promises.

After I force back my tears, I pull back and look up
at him anxiously. “What happened?”

He grimaces. “He had a reaction to some bad heroin.”

My mouth drops. “
Heroin?
”

“Yeah. He had traces of some ecstasy in his system, as
well. The doc said that ecstasy can have a lot of different shit in it. There
are so many different kinds out there, and the kind Ace ingested had some
heroin in it. A bad batch, evidently.”

“He won't have any bad side effects or anything?” I
press.

He shakes his head and ruffles my hair. “Nope. We can
see him in about thirty minutes. They're getting him settled in a room for the
night so they can monitor him until morning.”

I slowly exhale as it sinks in fully. He'll be okay.
Ace is okay. I turn and hug Jeremy before Caleb draws me in his arms for a
quick hug, as well. We all quietly celebrate the good news, and after about
five minutes, I tell them I need to use the restroom, that I'll be right back.
They all nod, and I walk away. The second I turn the corner and I'm out of sight,
I lean against the wall, my shoulders caving in.

Tears burn my eyes and one escapes through my
eyelashes and trickles down my cheek. I'm relieved that Ace is okay, but the
night has taken its toll on me. Being in a hospital again...

I’m flooded with memories I’d rather forget, and it’s
impossible to stop it from playing out in the head. I remember it all so
clearly, as if it had just happened yesterday. I’ll never forget waking up
alone in a curtained off area of the Emergency Room. Because of the head injury
I’d sustained, I’d been confused when a nurse had entered the small room to
check if I’d regained consciousness yet. I’d had no recollection of how I’d
gotten there, and at that point, I hadn’t remembered the accident. The nurse
had looked uncertain when I’d asked for my parents, and she’d awkwardly
explained that my mom had some sort of breakdown and that my father was with
her.

I hadn’t understood any of it until the nurse began to
explain that I’d been in a car accident. I remember the exact moment I realized
Micah was dead. The pain had been unbearable, and I’d begged for my parents.
I’d wanted them to tell me that it was all just some sort of mistake. That
Micah had survived somehow, that the nurse had the wrong information.

For hours the nurse kept telling me that my father
would be in to see me shortly. Eventually, they moved me to a regular room, and
I’d fallen asleep waiting for him. I hadn’t seen my father until the following
morning, and my mom hadn’t been with.

When the three of us left the hospital later that day,
my mom had barely spoken one word to me while my father kept looking worriedly
at her. Once we arrived home, he’d taken my barely coherent mom to their room
to get her settled, while I’d slowly walked with leaden feet to Micah’s room. I
stared at his dirty jeans on the floor that he had yet to put in his
overflowing hamper. His school books had still lain scattered across his
dresser among his car magazines. And as I’d gazed upon his unmade bed, it had
hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut that he’d never walk through the door to
pick up after himself. He would never tease me again, or console me when I was
upset, because a boy hurt my feelings. My protector, my twin, was now gone
forever.

I’d dropped to my knees on the floor, sobbing brokenly
as I begged God to bring him back to me. That I would do
anything
to
have him home again. I’d had no one to help me with my grief as I wept on his
floor. That’s the day I realized I was more alone than I could have ever
imagined being. I hadn’t known how truly blessed I’d been for the past
seventeen years until it had all been ripped away from me.

A man walking past brings me out of my brutal
recollections.

I sniffle and straighten up, walking right past the restrooms.
I escape out the front doors a moment later and make my way to my car. I drive
home, mind fragile from the night’s events.

I'm just setting my keys on my dresser when my phone
vibrates in my pocket. I reluctantly pull it out and look at the text message.
It's from Caleb.
We just need to know you're OK.

I chew my bottom lip for a moment before typing back
,
I'm fine. Just don't like hospitals. Tell Ace I am glad he's okay.
My
finger hovers over the send button as I stare at the screen for a long moment.

I'm not fine. Tonight scared me. I'm not as strong as
I thought, and everything has changed.

I'm gone by seven the next morning, because I don't want
to be at my apartment today. Ace would be coming home, and I know he's going to
want to see me. As much as I want to hug him and revel in his health, I can't.

Fear gnaws at my heels, and I flee Long Beach to
escape it. I drive aimlessly for over an hour until I come across Big Rock
Creek Road up in the San Gabriel Mountains. It’s not until I park my car in the
huge lot that I begin to relax. I climb out and sit down on the Camaro's front
hood as I gaze out at the beauty of the mountains. It's a breathtaking view,
but I can't seem to get rid of the lump in my throat.

I almost lost Ace last night. I'd known for a while
now that I've let him and the others get too close. I'd shrugged it off, but
last night had been an eye-opening experience. If Ace had died, I would have
been completely decimated.

I think I love the big asshole. But in a purely
platonic way, of course. We already tried the whole sex thing, and that hadn't
gone over real well. Not that it wasn't good, because it had been. But we'd
both struggled for control, and it'd gotten to the point where we were too
horny to continue the war we'd been battling. He'd finally fucked me against
his bedroom wall where we both had a bit of control, rather than on his bed.
The next morning we'd looked at each other, and I'd read his thoughts in his
gaze. They were the same as mine. Never again. We're like oil and vinegar.
Physically, we just aren't compatible.

His friendship has gotten me through the past year,
but I think it's time we go our separate ways. Jeremy, AJ, and Caleb, too. I
can't do it anymore. I can't spend time with them and allow them to wiggle
their way further into my heart. I don't want to care about any of them. It's
safer that way. They can't hurt me if I don't allow it. They can't abandon me
if I'm no longer around. I'll bail first. I
always
bail first. It's the
way it has to be.

I know my thought process could pass as irrational. I
mean really, I'm going to cut these people out of my life because I'm scared?
It's stupid. I'm aware it's cowardly. But it's not as if these hard truths will
change anything.

My phone chirps in my pocket. Ah, the first text. The
day is now officially going to shit. I read the text from Ace.
I need to see
you, Z. Where are you?
My lips flatten, and I ignore it. I carefully set
the phone on the hood of the car and feel a hint of misery begin to rear its
ugly head in the depths of my soul.

Severing my friendship with the only people that
matter is going to hurt like a bitch. An empty laugh escapes me. What's a
little more emotional pain, right? I mean, I've been living with it for years.
There's not a day that goes by that it's not there, right there on the edges of
my mind. It's a fucking reminder that life sucks.

I shut off my phone for the rest of the day. I stay
busy, running errands and doing anything to avoid the apartment complex. When I
do go back, it's around nine in the evening, and I decide it's a fine time to
do laundry. It's not as if Ace or Jeremy will find me down there. Those guys
will avoid doing their laundry until they're down to their very last pair of
clean underwear.

After grabbing my laundry basket and detergent, I
shove my iPod in the pocket of my jeans and make my way down to the basement
where there's five washing machines and dryers. Only one person is down here
tonight, and it's a woman my age with her nose stuck in a book. She doesn't
even glance at me as I walk over to a washing machine and begin to dump my
stuff into it.

Once my clothes are washing, I walk over to the line
of chairs against the wall and sit down several spaces down from the woman. I
slip the earbuds in my ears and turn on the iPod. Then I slouch down in the
chair, lean my head back, and shut my eyes.

I try not to think about Ace. It's hard, though. I
know he's probably text messaged me more than a few times today, but after that
first initial text, I'd shut off my phone for good. I don't want to read what
he has to say and be tempted to change my mind. I've made it up, it's not
changing. I got along fine for two years with
nobody
. Not my parents.
Not my friends. No boyfriend. Just me and myself. At least I can't abandon
myself. Well, I guess I can if I go completely mental. There's always that
possibility since I've been seeing my dead brother on and off for a while now.
My mind
could
abandon me. It's a scary thought, but it is what it is. If
I go crazy, I'll be too crazy to know it. I think. I'll take that over losing
someone to death. And caring means opening one's self up to the possibility of
that debilitating agony.

I just can't do it.

I'll look into the apartments on the third floor.
Maybe they have a single unit available, because I’m not willing to part with
the close proximity of living near campus. But I do need to put some sort of
distance between myself and Ace and Jeremy. Living next to them is going to be
next to impossible, because those guys are stubborn. But I'm the Queen of
Idiotic Obstinacy. I win every time. Well, not with Caleb. He's worn down my
resistance at...certain moments. Okay, thinking about Caleb isn't going to get
me anywhere, either. My mind needs to take a vacation so I can wallow in my
music for a bit.

Someone squeezes my leg gently, just above my knee. I
let out a squeak of surprise; eyes flying open. I find Caleb sitting next to
me, and I yank my earbuds out and glare at him. “You can't just go around
grabbing women!”

He gives me a devastatingly wide grin. “When I do,
they like it.”

My eyes narrow. “Knock yourself out. She's available,”
I say, nodding to the woman sitting in the chairs to the left of me, but she's
gone. Just how long had I been lost in thought?

Caleb looks at the empty chairs and quirks an eyebrow
at me.

“Forget it,” I say as I shove my iPod in my pocket and
rise to my feet. The washing machine is done, and I walk over and begin to pull
out my clothes, dropping them in the clothes basket.

“So, you're avoiding Ace and the guys,” he remarks.

“So you're following me now?” I retort back as I slam
the lid on the washing machine and stalk over to one of the dryer's. I yank
open a door and start shoving my clothes in.

“I had no idea you were down here. I'm doing laundry,”
he says as he watches me with a frown.

I realize another washing machine is agitating in the corner.
Oh.

“Why are you so mad at me?”

“I'm not.” I turn on the dryer and walk away to
collapse in the chair again. I deliberately pull out my iPod. I'm trying to
ignore the vision that is flickering in my mind of him grinding with that
blonde, his hands on her pert little ass. Damn it. I shouldn't care!

“Yes, you are. I have five female cousins around my
age. I know pissed when I see it.”

“Maybe I'm just pissed in general.”

“Knowing you, that sounds like a logical explanation,”
he says dryly.

“Well, glad we have it figured out,” I say flippantly
before I slip the earbuds in my ears and turn the iPod on. Caleb yanks the
earbuds out. “
Ow
!” I exclaim as I shoot him a death
glare.

He gives me a look. “I don't like being ignored. You
should know that by now.”

My teeth grind, and I fight the urge to wrap my hands
around his tanned throat. His blue-brown eyes meet mine, and he waits for me to
erupt. It’s then that I realize that's exactly what he wants from me. Even if
I'm angry and yelling at him, I'm giving him what he wants. My attention. So
instead of lacerating him with my tongue, I mutely stay silent and cross my
arms over my chest.

Caleb sighs. “You are like an obstinate little child
sometimes.”

No reply.

His eyes search mine, and I can tell his patience is wearing
thin as his mouth tightens. “The guys warned me you were shutting them out, but
I didn't realize just how literal 'shutting out' meant. Zoey, you can't go
running scared every time something bad happens.”

My eyes shift to the washing machines directly in
front of us, and I say nothing.

“Here. I refuse to converse with a child,” he says
simply.

I look down to see that he's holding out the earbuds.
I take them from him and slip them in my ears. My head drops back, and I shut
my eyes as the music blares through my head. Of course, he's right. I know I'm
being childish. But it worked, didn't it?

When my clothes are finished, Caleb says nothing to me
as I toss them in my basket and make my way back upstairs.