Playing Well With Others (21 page)

Available or single?

Compared to the default world, a higher percentage of individuals in the kink community are in open or polyamorous relationships. Thus, if an event is a singles mixer, find out if it is for single people (unpartnered) or for available individuals (could be partnered or unpartnered). If you are partnered and available, make sure to let others know, as folks may believe that partnered people are unavailable, or available people are unpartnered.

Another great place to meet people is at classes. Not only are you there to learn, but you’ll be there with other people who are into or curious about the same topic you are! Listen to what people share in the class, and after class introduce yourself and mention what you thought was interesting about what they said. Sometimes, after classes, the conversation will continue at a different venue — ask if you may join in the conversation. They may say that it is just for a small group of friends, but they may just have space for one or two more folks at the table, and you all have the class in common to get the conversation started.

And then of course is the chance to meet people . . . everywhere. At a big event you can carry a watch, lend your schedule out, let someone borrow your pen, offer directions, grab someone a glass of water, be a demo partner for someone, offer to help clean up around the food area, and more. Not only is this a great way to be a nice human in general, but people notice objects in motion. The person you just helped might start up a conversation with you, but even more likely is that folks will notice you being around in general, creating a positive impact.

Let’s get talking

There are lots of ways to get the conversation started. Going up to individuals or circles of folks who are not in the midst of a scene, aftercare, or intense conversation of their own, and saying hello, is one option. So is catching someone’s eye and smiling.

Authentic compliments are a great starting place for some folks. Make sure before you offer a compliment that it is actually a compliment. One of the miscues we see time and time again is someone saying “Um, nice shoes,” only to have the recipient ask, “What do you like about them?” Blank stares show the compliment was not authentic. Consider giving sincere compliments on a scene of theirs that caught your eye, a fantastic point they made in a class, the photos on their profile, the funny comment they made, how helpful they have been at the event, how much you love their smile/eyes/corset/boots . . . and the list goes on.

At more formal events, or in some segments of the master/slave, leather, or sex magic communities, it may be more comfortable or appropriate to be introduced by someone else instead of starting a conversation directly with someone new. However, even in such spaces, approaching with a sense of civility and politeness will go a long way. Yes, some specific sub-sects of those sub-communities have very formal structures for introductions (e.g. masters may not speak to slaves who are in locked collars without speaking to their owner first) — but even in such spaces, most folks will react positively if we are polite and friendly.

No matter what route we take to say hello and introduce ourselves, we now get to actually talk. The following are some conversation starters to consider if you are at a loss at events:

“Is this your first time here?”

“What brought you to the event?”

“Have you seen any good classes? What was your favorite part?”

“What sessions are you looking forward to?”

“Did you find anything fun in the vendor area?”

“Can you recommend anywhere good for dinner?”

“Have you been in the scene for a while?”

“What kind of play do you enjoy?”

“Where did you get that outfit/toy/pair of shoes?”

It is less optimal to open conversations with questions about the personal lives of others. Because “outing” can be detrimental, remember to avoid specific questions about people’s workplace, last name, and contact information, unless they offer such information first. Avoid pressing for information if any train of conversation seems unwelcome or uncomfortable. In fact, keeping the conversation local and present is a great starting option in many cases, because both of you are here now.

Another conversational route that can be helpful for some folks is to ask people about themselves and their relationships. If following this route, ask yourself in advance whether you are asking to learn about them, or because you are interested in a deeper relationship. This can be tricky territory in some cases though, because “Are you seeing anyone?” can be read as “Are you single and interested in playing/going on a date with me?”

When folks do provide information on their relationships, you may then be exposed to a wider range of relationship structures than in the default world. People may use such words as slave, sir, family member, boyfriend, kitten, daddy, wife, mother, and so much more. It is easy to assume we know what they mean by those words, but they may in fact mean something very different than our initial assumptions. Questions like “What does that relationship look like for you?” can help you learn more about them. And, possibly, about yourself.

As you are exploring being social in kink spaces, consider having someone whose opinion you trust to give you feedback on your behavior without raising your own defensiveness around what they have to say. Sometimes a friend’s opinion can help give you good feedback on how you are moving through the world. The feedback of a friend who can lovingly point out that someone was giving signals of being uncomfortable, or let you know that someone was flirting with you, can be invaluable.

Beyond words

Our words are not the only things that convey our message. Our bodies, behaviors and visual cues say a lot about us as well, and affect how we are received by others. Thus, the following ideas are just that — ideas. Consider them, weigh out if they will work for you, and consider your social trajectory accordingly.

• Bathe.
  If you are going to meet other people, be hygienic. That does not mean that you should slather on perfume, cologne or other body products. There are lots of people who are allergic to that stuff. You may really be digging your own scent; we get it, but please, just bathe.
  

• Be aware of space.
  Different people have different space preferences. Some have a big bubble around them, while others seem to have little sense of personal space at all. Some of this difference may be based on their culture of origin. Watch the reactions of people based on your proximity, and consider whether you might get more traction by taking a step back or forward.
  

• Touching . . . or not.
  So me parts of the kink community are very hippie-granola and love to hug and casually touch everyone. Other parts are very hands-off-don’t-you-dare-touch-me-or-my-property-without-a-signed-contract-in-advance. Most places and people are somewhere in the middle. Look around, see what the social behavior is in the rest of the space, and then ask someone whether this is more of a hug or handshake group.
  

• If you can’t ask,
  consider going 80% of the way to touching, and let them come the last 20%. Or offer the hug but don’t be offended if they say no — it’s probably not about you. If your boundaries are different than what seems to be the local cultural norm, understand that that norm is not there just to offend you. Inform the folks in that space of your preference, and when asked if you want a hug, accept it happily or say no, thank you.
  

• Consider the wardrobe.
  Feeling shy? Consider wearing something fabulous, something you feel sexy in, or a funny t-shirt. Your clothing can help bring the conversation to you.
  

  Also consider what your wardrobe is saying for you. Is your buttoned-down outfit saying “hyper-conservative formality” when you really crave the attention of people admiring your sexy body? Being involved in the alternative communities gives us the freedom to express ourselves, our sexuality, and our desires in ways that might not fly in the default world.
  

  There are many ways to indicate your orientation and desires: symbols like collars, hankies/bandanas, silk clothing, chastity devices, specific hats or jewelry and more can have a great deal of visual meaning to some people. Your locked collar might indicate to some your unavailability. Your yellow handkerchief might be there to be used to wipe your brow, but someone else might think it means you are into piss play. Really. If you are unfamiliar with community flags and symbols, consider flipping through
  Appendix 2
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• Body Language.
  Are your arms crossed over your chest and head down, inferring that you are blocked off and unavailable? Do you keep staring at people and having them mistake it for you cruising them? There are a number of good non-kink body language books on the market, and they are a place to start. If being a wallflower is not working for you, consider standing up, moving around, putting your shoulders back, relaxing your facial expression into a slight smile, and seeing what happens.
  

Calling cards

A classic idea from the l800s has found its home firmly in the kink community. Known by many names, this business-style card usually has only your most basic information and scene name on it, though some get more intricate with a sexy picture of themselves, a fun piece of art, or a quote they enjoy. Many folks leave the back blank so that either the person whose card it is, or the person who received it, can write a note to remind them who gave them the card.

When connecting and wishing to keep in contact with someone, consider giving them your calling card directly, or by having a friend pass it on, or dropping it and running — though the first is of course tends to be more successful! If you don’t want to give someone your home information or phone number, don’t include it on your card. There are programs available online for call forwarding and alternative email addresses that forward along, reducing such concerns somewhat.

I call these Slut Cards! Mine has my name. Google phone number, email address, social media info, and uses the free clip art from the business card site.

The flip side of this is that if you receive a calling card, and you want to stay in touch, you actually have to write them afterward. If you do not, three years will pass and you’ll have a shoebox full of these cards and no actual connections to speak of. In fact, if you meet someone in person, keeping the conversation going online or through other streams of communication is important to build lasting connections.

I have two versions - one for teaching, which has my name, website, email, phone number and a picture I shot; and my trick cards for my hookups, which have my nickname, social media handle, and a different email address.

Shy freaks

It is easy to assume that those who identify as kinky are uninhibited exhibitionists who run around all day in ecstasies of guilt-free sexual bliss. And sure, there are folks like that. There are also people who are painfully shy and terribly awkward, who have to muster up all of their nerve just to put up a kinky profile. And wherever you are between those extremes, there is room for you.

The trick is to proceed at your own pace. Most people feel awkward at some point in their lives. You aren’t alone in feeling like the lone geek. It is important to respect your shyness, and to treat the awkward parts of your personality with compassion. Comparing yourself with other people isn’t going to bring you any peace, because that social butterfly or party animal might be sweating it out on the inside, just like you!