Playing Well With Others (20 page)

I carry a personal collar with me. It is a very thick, jointed chrome piece, which resembles an oversized heavy watch-band, weighs in at sixteen ounces, and is a rather intimidating piece of steel. It caught the eye of a baggage screener, who called over another TSA agent . . . who then called over their supervisor. I thought about piping up but I figured I’d wait and see what happened. They pulled my bag from the belt and asked me if they could go through it, to which of course I replied yes. Out came my Wahl vibrator, my rubber horse hooves, some snacks, my headphones, a bunch of random crap, and then the item in question. The agent pulled out this pound of wicked-looking steel links. I smiled, he looked at me, and back down at the collar . . . for a long, long time. He then wrapped it back up, put it back in my bag, along with the random crap and the vibrator, and sent me on my merry way.

Some body modifications, collars, and chastity devices are items that will both set off metal detectors and also are not possible to take off. We highly recommend letting the officer know before you get to the scanner that you have jewelry that cannot be removed (they do not need to know that, for example, your owner gave it to you), advising them that you will be setting off the metal detector. They often appreciate the information. The usual procedure is a full-body patdown, being sent through a full-body scanner, or being asked to have a private room screening. Being upfront about your jewelry and mods will minimize fuss in most cases. If you are concerned about it, many chastity devices come with disposable locks that can be snipped off in an emergency. For those who wear collars, consider asking the keyholder for an emergency travel key, just in case.

Travel made easier, fun and sexy

Why not make the travel part of the event? As kinksters who travel a lot, here are some ideas we can offer for making it fun or sexy:

• Rideshare
  with other perverts. If you’re looking at more than an hour of travel time, consider meeting potential carpool buddies in advance. Fewer sucky moments suck worse than being trapped in a vehicle with someone who grates on your nerves for six hours, then knowing you have to do it again after the event. But if it’s a good fit? It’s an amazing chance to have great conversations!
  

• Play Sexy Car games.
  All the classic car games can be perverted. “Punch Bug” takes on a whole new level when switches and brats play, and word association games with sexual themes can reveal a lot about a lover or friend. We also love the “Anal Game”: the model names of cars you pass on the road, e.g. The Ford Explorer, The Dodge Ram, and the Isuzu Trooper become hilarious when you add “anal” in there.
  

• Pack a kinky bOOk.
  Reading something that has a titillating edge while in transit can help you start getting in the mood.
  

• Consider
  making your trip about more than just the kink event. Get “off campus” for an afternoon to hit local sights, take pictures, or head out one night to check out a local leather bar or find the local sex shops. Into age-based role playing? Come in a day early and go to the zoo with “Daddy”!
  

• Minimize
  fretting by making the travel easier for yourself. Print out the directions, check them on multiple systems of navigation, and don’t just rely on your GPS. We have seen many adventures go wrong by someone ending up on a road that “does not exist.” Better yet, find out if there are driving directions recommended by the venue or event. And while you’re at it, make sure to bring along snacks for the car, plenty of water to drink, and plan for regular bathroom breaks.
  

Sometimes, though, shit happens. Even if the airlines lost your bag, the kid next to you on the flight was ornery, you had to wait an hour for the hotel shuttle . . . whatever — find the time to shake it off, take a deep breath, and show up with an attitude that will not carry you into a funk throughout the whole convention. You deserve to make the event you are going to walk into be as wonderful and exciting as possible, without letting that cloud linger all weekend long. That fog can get in the way of helping you make new friends or connecting with folks you already know.

Chapter 5

Make New Friends (and Keep the Old): Keeping It Hot without Burning Bridges

A
VITAL ASPECT OF JOINING
the kink community is to meet other kinky people — people who will become our guides, mentors, friends, lovers, play partners, sounding boards, and more. People we know are journeying through kink as well may have insights for us, or become friends to last a lifetime.

It is important to meet people in your community. Yup,
jour
community. You get to make it yours by becoming a part of it — at your own pace, and in your own style.

Countless works have been dedicated to the art of social interaction. There are many different approaches to meeting other people. The following chapter presents a series of tips, tricks, and tools for connecting as authentic human beings within a sexualized and kinky context.

So buckle up, pull out your calling cards, plug in your computer, and get ready to meet your community!

Preparing For Successful Networking

There are so many amazing, open-minded, smart, sexy, geeky, friendly, hot, fascinating, fun, and fantastic humans out there . . . where do we start? Oh yeah — here. That person holding this book is a pretty unique and amazing person.

The first step in preparing to meet other people is to meet yourself. Sit with yourself for a while. Who is this person, and what are they looking for? Are they anchored in a sense of self-worth, and feel worthy of deserving respect? If not, consider working on that, as low self-value (or exaggeratedly high self-value) can dramatically affect whether you can have healthy interactions with others.

Once you have come to a place of comfort with yourself, it’s time to ask yourself a few questions. The first is why you want to meet people in the scene. There are so many reasons! Some include:

• To make friends
  who will be ears to bend, shoulders to cry on, a partner-in-crime, or someone who will be your new kink-friendly best buddy.
  

• To have mentors,
  guides, gurus and teachers to show you how to do all that kinky stuff.
  

• To have lovers,
  play partners, hook-ups, or a fun bit of action.
  

• To have allies
  or friends apart from your partner to avoid being seen only as “so-and-so’s husband/wife.”
  

• To network
  with folks who run events and parties, and get in on the action.
  

• To find
  your kinky Ms. or Mr. Right.
  

• To connect
  with peer mentors on parallel journeys, who you can turn to in times of uncertainty or when you need identity reinforcement.
  

The Mentor/ Protector Thing

Mentors (a person who will guide/teach you, originally used to pass on knowledge through a lineage) and protectors (someone who will watch out for you, originally used to show formal association with a group/house) are lovely ideas. If you are being “protected” by someone, consider if/what you are actually being protected from (is there a real concern, or is this a chance for someone to keep you close?) In turn, if you are being mentored, consider whether they are helping you become your greatest possible self, or turning you into a clone of their bad habits.

Some folks don’t actually want to meet people. They want to show up and be a tourist — watch people but not really interact with them on any deeper level. That’s cool, so long as you own that fact. If you are only here to get titillated and then go home, it is better to know that in advance. Being aware of why you want to meet people will help you be aware of your expectations. If you are looking for a lover, you may project your expectations on what a lover should look like and act like onto the people you meet — before you even know their names. Not everyone you meet will fit into the molds of what you are looking for. or they might surprise you by being exactly what you really need in your life right now, even if they weren’t what you thought you were looking for.

Next — do you have a thick hide? We hate to say it, but as we mentioned in the introduction, the kink community is a microcosm, not a utopia. It is full of people. You will meet people who will rub you wrong, whom you will not like, and who will not have read this book. You will find unicorns and trolls alike (see
Chapter 7
), and they may not always handle you with kid gloves.

This is not to say people will necessarily be intentionally unpleasant. However, our sex life is often something that we as individuals take very personally, and just like religion and politics, other people expressing their personal opinions can feel like a personal attack. As you are entering into the realm of kinky people, know that not every interaction will be perfect. Try to avoid taking people’s personalities personally.

In-Person Connections

“What, you mean I have to meet people, like, in person?” Yup.

Meet them where they are

There are lots of places to meet new people, or connect with folks we may have met in passing but do not know very well yet. True, you can meet people at any event, but there are some places that are easier than others, and are in fact built for that very purpose.

The first is munches. These social gatherings are built around the notion of being social. Come up to the table, and say “Hello.” Of course, “Hi!” “Heya,” and “Um, I’m new, is this the munch?” are totally viable too. Letting folks know you are new to kink, new to the area, or new to this munch is a great way to subtly say that you want to know more people. You can also choose the less subtle route and say that you are excited to be at the munch because you were hoping to connect with new folks, make new friends, and who knows, meet people, maybe for other stuff too. Going straight in and saying that you are at the munch looking to get laid is, however, often frowned upon.

If you have been attending the munch for a while, the arrival of new people is a great chance to expand your acquaintanceship. Ask them what name they go by, and if they would like to tell you a little bit about themselves. Get to know them as people and why they are there before asking them questions about their orientation, identity and personal details of their sexual and kinky proclivities. This will allow them to adjust to the experience gradually, instead of having to defend or debate what they’re into before they have even gone to their first play party.

Once you have been at the munch, ask people to introduce you to folks with whom you share kink or other interests, who they think you should know, or with whom they believe you might be a good fit. The more folks get to know you, the better these introductions will be, because the folks doing the introductions will have a clearer idea of who you are, what kinks you have, and what relationship configurations interest you. If you meet someone who you think would be a great fit for someone else you know, playing social matchmaker is a great way to pay it forward.

You can also meet people at mixers, special interest gatherings and speed dating experiences at bigger events. These opportunities are specifically set up with ice breakers, party games, name tags, and other tools for meeting new people. Outside of big events, you’ll also encounter the occasional singles mixer and speed dating night. In some areas there are also pre-planned group outings to non-kink venues, where kinky people will announce that they are all going hiking, to a movie, or to play board games together one night, and that other folks can join them.