Plastic Confidence (Good Bye Trilogy #1) (18 page)

TWENTY-EIGHT

I opened the refrigerator and pointed to a bottle of Shipyard. Brennan shook his head as his eyes darted around my place.

“Coffee, then?”
I asked. I was trying so damn hard to keep my cool. This was just like having Pierre over. Just a guy having a drink in my kitchen. Just that.

“Yeah, that would be perfect,” he said as he scrubbed the five o’clock shadow on his chin.

I started the French Press and his eyebrows lifted. I giggled.

“When you live on an island, you have the time to do the extra steps. You take those few extra moments to enjoy what you would normally miss. No more tunnel vision.” I pulled out two ceramic mugs that I made at a local pottery store that gave out lessons.
Make pottery on bucket list–check.

“How long have you lived on Martha’s Vineyard?” he asked. It was a thoughtful question, very casual but
I knew... I knew he was drawing a timeline in his head. The clock would start when I began to talk.

“It will be two years this October,” I said. “Well, I moved in here then. I moved to the island in September just as the summer peeps left. I actually stayed with Kelly and Joanie,” I confessed. I smiled to the memories of us down in the sitting area, playing Scrabble. I was so lost. I had no idea which way was up. I had my list and hope.

“So you just picked Vineyard Haven, what? Like on a map?” he asked with a queer expression on his face.

I shook my
head as I started to pour the press over one mug and then the other.
“No, as a child, I had visited here once with a friend. We were ten. I remember thinking that this place was so magical, all surrounded by water. Comforting. It was so beautiful in my memories so when I left my mother’s house, I came directly here.”

“Wait. Back up! You were at your mother’s?” he asked. Anger edged the sides of the words but he wasn’t fuming.

“I take it you called there?” I asked as I slid the mug and condiments to him. I rested my forearms on the breakfast nook.

“Um
... like twice a day for three months. She was your mother. How could she not know where her daughter was?”

I nodded. “You and about twenty five other people a day,” I said, taking a cautious sip of my coffee. I winced
at how hot it was. I went to the freezer and pulled out ice cubes, threw them in my huge insolated mug and poured the coffee over the ice.

He watched me in fascination. “You really look amazing.” I could tell he hadn’t wanted to let those words slip out because he went a little flush and looked down at his full cup of steaming coffee like it held all the answers to life.

“Did you miss me?” he asked the cup quietly.

I didn’t say anything. I thought about it. I mean, I really thought about it. It was a very important question and yes, it had been asked many times by both the girls and me.

“Yes.” I stated the word with firm deliverance, annunciating the “S” in case there was any confusion.

He
looked up at me. “Then why have you stayed away for so long?” His voice was choked and I felt my own throat close up at the sight of him grasping for any semblance of calm.

We were not calm. This had disaster written all over it.

“Story goes like this,” I said very matter of fact. It was the only way to blow through this very uncomfortable situation. “I went to my mom’s after I told Johnny to go to hell. I stayed there for a month. I hired a lawyer to handle the band exiting shit. I made a bucket list. I wrote all of the things I always wanted to do as a child and never did.”

I pointed at a coffee stained, worn down piece of paper in the middle of the refrigerator. It was the only thing on it. He
examined the paper as I continued.

“So I made the list. First off was to buy a Jeep. Always wanted one of those,” I laughed at myself. “The second was take residence on an island. I really thought it would be tropical when I first wrote it down.
But here I am!” I looked back to see the list and the first two things were most definitely checked off. More power to me.

“I moved down here. Found this palace. I learned to cook, garden, make coffee mugs,” I said pointing to his coffee mug.

“The rest, well, I guess I don’t really have any answers. I am officially an island girl year round. I am writing a lot. A memoir about a little girl I once knew and that takes me out of my head. Loves and I play a lot on the beach. Oh and Pierre is teaching me French for a trip to Paris after the leaves fall. I can’t stand it when I miss the foliage,” I said. That was it. That was my story. I suddenly felt bad for inviting him in. I could have easily just said all that shit back out on the lawn.

He stood up and walked over to the list. At first, I didn’t show it to anyone. I was
self-conscious about it. It was the only thing that was truly all me. After a few months, I showed it to the girls and now I am pretty sure it is a running joke with the locals. Every time I go into the hardware store or buy something different for the yard, bucket list is said somewhere in the store. The old hags. I let them have their fun.

“Abstinence,” he stated. His eyes slowly moved to me.
The question was in his eyes. I shrugged.

“Masturbati
on is quite effective, my friend,” I said as I tipped my mug in his direction as to say cheers.

“I.
Am. Not. Your. Friend.” Brennan’s low growl made my heart stop and then it picked up beating faster and faster.

“What about Pierre?” he asked
, turning back to the sheet. I rolled my eyes behind him.

“What about Sasha?”

“Hey, I didn’t write a bucket list that said I wouldn’t have sex for an indefinite amount of time. So, Julia? What about Pierre?” he probed as he moved back to his seat and took a large sip off of his coffee.

“Pierre is Pierre,” I said as I lifted one shoulder. “He teaches me French. Oh
, and he saved me from the sharks one day. I was trying to teach myself to sail with one of those dummies books.”

Brennan started laughing hard
as I watched in amusement. I loved to make people happy in my new life. I started to laugh along with him.

“I know, right?” I laughed. “
I was such a dumbass that day.” I looked up for his response, quickly turning to my left to find him starting to put out his hand to touch my waist. I could see that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to touch me. He watched his hand as it was outstretched to me. Would he get stung? Shocked? Would we both explode?

I stepped away.
“So, Brennan Curtis. Did I answer all of your questions? See? Jules Delaney, rock goddess, is now a lowly island girl who likes to cook and garden.”

I crossed my arms over my tank top, suddenly feeling very naked and violated. Why did he just try to do that? Why would
he even think that I would consider it was okay? Why didn’t I think it was okay? It actually sounded like a fabulous idea now that I was steps away from him, staring into his soul filled eyes of love, lust, and total pain.

“Do you want me to leave now,
Julia?”

The air between us was thick. I could already feel his lips devouring mine.
His soft words that I was his and he would only ever love me. He would pick me up and make sweet love to me on this striking Monday morning in my beautiful house.

“I don
’t think I do. No.” I was confused and sad and terrified but I didn’t want him to leave me.

“Good. I wouldn’t have listened anyway.”

His response sent chills up my thighs and I rubbed them hard to get rid of the goose bumps. He watched me. Brennan perused my breasts in my braless tank. He studied my muscular legs. He caught his breath when his eyes found my lips parted as I watched him inspecting me.

He came so close that I could smell the familiar scent.
Him
. It sparked everything. It made me think home and run and love and off limits and love. His chin went to the side of my throat and he tickled my earlobe with his breath.

“I am going to fight for you.
Hard
. I am going to fight to get back in your life so hard that you won’t know what hit you. You wrecked me when you walked off two years ago. But I am here. My two arms are going to hold you and they won’t let go until one of us is dead.” His words were slow and they were beautiful. When he finished, he stayed right next to my ear like he was going to say more. I waited. He didn’t say anything so I nodded my head.

“I
believe you,” I said quietly.

He moved back from me with purpose.

“Well, now that we understand that. I have to get a move on back to Brooklyn. I have lots to do. I will be back in a few days,” he said as he went to my cell phone on the nook and typed in a number which turned out to be his from the sudden ringing from his shorts.

I was jumpy so when he moved about the kitchen collecting the mug and putting it in the sink, I followed him
on red alert. When he turned back to me, he placed his beautiful soft lips onto my cheek for a long moment. While he kissed me, I felt our sensual passion for one another. It was an incredible kiss.

“I will call you but if I don’t, it isn’t because I am not thinking of you. It is because I can’t stop thinking about you and I will be getting things tied up to come
home here to you,” he admitted. “I am so in love with you, Julia Delaney. I always will be.”

I nodded, totally speechless. When he walked out the door, he gave Loves a quick scratch and told him he would see him soon. My hand went to my cheek and I watched him walk down my lawn and out of sight from my kitchen window.

And, I missed him already.

TWENTY
-NINE

I remember as a kid being so excited when I knew someone was coming to visit. I would clean my room so prettily and get out the nice stuffed animals to show off. My aunts, uncles, and their kids were so much fun to have around the house. The silence that took up most nights with just Mom was unbearable sometimes. Our visitors made our house hop. It was fantastic. The crazy critters in my stomach would make me speak in a high pitched voice. I would giggle more. I would jump around the house. When it was time for them to arrive, I would wait outside in the driveway cross legged. I watched every single car drive by.

All those memories of having a visitor rushed back to me as I waited for Brennan to reappear on the island. We got a good amount of rain on Tuesday and Wednesday but I hauled my ass down to the ferry landing anyway in the hopes that I would catch that gorgeous head of black curls.

I imagined the moment he would see me and we would rush into each other’s arms. I would show him how I redecorated the kitchen just a little and make something scrumptious to eat. I had lobsters but with each day that went by, I decided to give them to the girls so that they could have a feast.

Joanie opened the door and
took in my pitiful look. I hadn’t showered that day and I knew I smelled. Joanie and Kelly were slightly hyper-neurotic at self-care. Hell, probably everyone was but these girls had the island capris and polo shirt look down. They always looked so put together. Compared to them, I felt like the homeless little girl begging for food at their door tonight.

“He hasn’t called?” she asked me.

I shook my head. “He told me it was because he was getting his life in order to come be with me but what does that even mean? Is he moving here? Is he just fucking with me and letting me hang out to dry like I did to him?” I was whiny. Joanie and Kelly didn’t deserve that. They loved me when I was strong. I had to pretend I was strong.

Fuck that.

“You know, I used to call my confidence ‘plastic’,” I admitted with air quotes around the word plastic.

“
I believed that I was a fake. What people saw on the outside was so far from my true inner self. I had such poor self-esteem,” I said on a sigh.

“
Now? I feel like my confidence is made of thin glass. Thanks so fucking much to Brennan Curtis. He made my confidence turn from steel to glass in one conversation. If I don’t get to have him, my glass confidence will shatter and it will make bloody wounds for us all.”

Kelly started clapping as she walked down the hall to meet us.
She was mocking me for my dramatic soliloquy. She took me in her arms and we hugged for a long while.

“
Oh sweetie,” she cooed in a comforting way. “That man adores you. He was practically falling over himself when he checked out. He left a suit behind in the room and when I called him, he said to hold on to it. He would be back for it.” She gave me a bigger squeeze to reassure me that he will be back.

“I love him,
Kel,” I whimpered. I don’t know why I had the urge to tell them. I just needed them to know that my heart was on the line and I needed them now more than ever.

Joanie was behind her and she nodded with a pouty sad look on her face.

“We know. And we also know you brought us yummy lobsters!” Kelly did a little happy dance as I handed the paper bags over to her.

“They were supposed to be for us,” I pouted as I cross my arms over my chest.

“You were going to cook lobsters on his first night back?” Joanie looked horrified. Kelly tapped Joanie on the shoulder before she kissed her cheek.

“Poor girl doesn’t know romance, sweetheart,” she taunted.

An hour and two bottles of Pink Moscato later, the three of us were doing really good work at cracking into the shells, sucking the juice, and picking meat out of every little piece.

I wiped my hands on a towel when I was done and took a long sip of wine.

“So? I should just chill?” I rhetorically asked the girls.

“You could call him,” Joanie said as she lifted one shoulder.

I shook my head vigorously. “If I am totally right about him punking me, I am going to stay far away from a situation that could make me feel worse. Jesus, I could call and Sasha might answer the phone,” I groaned.

“Sasha is the blond girl he was with, right?” Kelly asked with a smile.

“Yep, long beautiful legs,” I answered, staring out into space as I took another sip from the wine glass. All I got was air. Joanie was right there with a refill.

“Darling, that girl was no one. She was here for some wedding and he was her date. When she checked out Sunday morning, she didn’t look very pleased that he wasn’t going with her.” Joanie looked at me and her eyebrows lifted in a knowing expression.

“He dumped her?” I asked belligerently.

“Who says dumped anymore? What are you? Twelve?” Kelly scoffed.

“Ok, ok. He broke it off then?” I asked seriously.

Both nodded, looked at each other, looked back at me and nodded again.

“Oh yeah. She told us to put the bill on the ass face that she came with. Five minutes later he came down to ask if he could have the room for another night.” Kelly was near doubling over as Joanie was stone cold serious. It was obvious who wore the pants. Joanie was stoic, broad, and had an edge. Kelly was all flair and emotions.

“Holy shit,” I muttered. “He didn’t even know where I lived yet.” I looked down at my flip flops and wondered when he came out and asked.

“Well, not until I told him about thirty five seconds later. That was the next question out of his mouth,” Kelly laughingly replied.

“Ugh,” I groaned as I put my head in my hands. I was hopeless.
This whole waiting around bullshit was for the birds. Immediately, I knew what it felt like to know nothing.

Oh. My.
God.
Two years of feeling like this? How could he ever forgive me? I promised myself then and there that I would contact people I really, truly cared about in the future. I would be a better communicator or whatever. I would keep in touch.

‘
Ok, promise done. Brennan, come back to me
,’ I thought.

I left the girls’
bed and breakfast with a little drunk on. I sang Coldplay’s
Speed of Sound
in a deep, raspy voice, which didn’t match Chris Martin’s version at all. I still tried all the way back to my house. When I got there, Loves wasn’t barking. That was not like him. I called out his name but still nothing.

I went up through the back door and started flipping on lights everywhere. When I made to the great room, there were piles of boxes and shit everywhere. In the middle of that was the couch. On the couch was Brennan and Loves cuddled up
with one another, sleeping. My heart dropped to the floor. He moved in with me. He was here. This was
really
happening.

I walked quietly out of the room to try to catch my breath because I seriously was going to start bawling.

“Julia?” Brennan called out to me. Loves lifted his head, sighed, and put it back down on Brennan’s thigh. “Was that you I heard singing? What was it? Coldplay?”

“Hey you,” I said with a grin. “
I was trying my vocals out on the road. It’s been a while. Better than that, it looks like someone moved in?” I took a look at all of the boxes again and looked back at him with a smile.

“You okay with that?” he asked. He didn’t sound too concerned. He just sounded tired.
“Will you be singing again sometime soon? I miss your voice.”

“I am going to say yes and tell the rest of my doubts to go to hell,” I replied
with a smile. “It was nice to come home and find you here.”

Brennan chuckled. He turned totally over on the couch and put his hands under his cheek to look at me. I sat down on the floor right in front of him and took a lock of his hair and pushed it back. I
t fell right back so I did it again. And again.

He watched me as I played against the hair odds and smiled. He was happy.

“I missed you,” I whispered as I leaned in. I brushed my lips against his. He didn’t move at all. He just let me kiss his lips, his cheek, and his forehead. After a while, I just leaned my forehead on his and sighed.

“You are here,” I whispered, one small tear coming out of my eye.

“Nowhere else,” he whispered back.