Plastic Confidence (Good Bye Trilogy #1) (17 page)

Sure, I had thought about an email to his company or maybe a phone call over the last two years but as time passed it just seemed pointless. Now, it was
apparent that I was right. People move on.
Other People.
But, not me. The colors, the sounds, the world was a blur and Brennan became the focal point. He was vivid and lovely in the way he walked and how he ran his fingers through his long, dark locks. I had cherished him with everything I was that last night together. I hadn’t remembered the feeling of passionate love until now. It still hurt like hell.

I craved him but I couldn’t be his. It wasn’t
practical two years ago. And time was always our problem. Tactless, poor timing ruined us then and the adequate stretch of time apart ruined us now. Deep, frantic longing that I once felt for only him was back with ferocity. It made me want to drop to my knees, sob in every foreign language, while pleading with the Goddesses for reprieve from my heart ache. He was the only one I had ever longed for and that much was perfectly clear. My feelings for Brennan hadn’t and would never go away.

Pierre
rightfully looked puzzled at my expression and then turned to see who I was looking at. He must not have seen anyone because he nudged me to keep walking with the masses of people departing the ferry. I followed the herd, but sluggishly. I watched the blond beauty wrap her arms around Brennan and beam brightly up to him. His dimpled smile blindsided me. I caught my gasp on some spit and I forced back the tears, but tried to muster up some composure. I needed to act like my whole world didn’t just do a back hand spring. It would be alright. Brennan wouldn’t see me in this dense crowd and I knew our love affair belonged in the past forever. I would not find a bed.

All those thoughts seemed to calm me until
the blond woman with Brennan dropped her sunglasses and they both stopped to make sure they weren’t broken. We walked slowly by and I looked straight ahead, pretending the love of my life wasn’t mere inches away from me.

“What do you want to do now,
Jules?” Pierre asked, rather loudly. My heart sped up and so did my steps. He tried to keep up but he was falling behind. A large hand landed on my shoulder.

“Pierre,
I... ” I said as I turned to look directly into Brennan’s beautiful, dark brown eyes, mixed with a little green from the blue sky. His eyes were just as wide as mine were.

“
Julia?” he asked in bewilderment.

“Oh
...Brennan... hello,” I said as casually as I could. I sounded like a twelve year old. I probably looked like one, too, with my Trapper Keeper in hand.

“How is it going? Long time no see!”
I continued to say as I bounced a bit on my heels.

He looked at me and then shook his long dark curls
in bewilderment. Blondie came up next to him, as I felt Pierre close in on me.

“What brings you
... uh... two,” I said as I looked at Blondie’s arm wrapped around Brennan’s side. “... to the island?” I laughed nervously. What brings you to the island? Jesus. How fucking cliché.

“Hi,” Blondie drawled and put her hand out to me. “I’m Sasha. And you are?”

I took her hand in mine and smiled at her warmly and it was genuine. “I am Jules.”

I looked over at Pierre, “and this is my
good friend, Pierre.” Pierre shook Sasha’s hand politely and Brennan stood there, white as a ghost. When his eyes flicked to Pierre, there was a flash of something awkward. Abort. Abort. Abort.

“Well, we won’t keep you two. It is such a beautiful day here.”
I said. I was smiling so hard it made my fucking cheeks hurt.

“You look so different,” Brennan said in a hushed voice. He was still in stunned mode.

“Aw, I hope that’s a compliment,” I laughed as I poked his arm. He flinched at my physical touch. That was maybe a little too forward on my part, I guessed.

“Wait a fucking minute,” Sasha snapped
her fingers and shouted. “You... you are Jules Delaney, the lead singer from the Love Sick Ponies.”

I cringed inward, outward, and all over the island. I did a quick scan to see if anyone noticed her outing me. I looked over at Pierre who was grinning widely and rocking back on his heels with his arms crossed. I shot him a deadly look.

“Beautiful Julia is more than just some lead singer,” Pierre said. Brennan came out of his trance fast and his sudden, glaring look almost killed Pierre.

“Wow, can I like, get your autograph?” Sasha asked as she started looking through her enormous bag.

“Sorry,” I said with a tight smile. “I don’t give out autographs anymore and I am just Jules around these parts.”

“Oh. That is too bad,” Sasha whined. She gave up looking. “Well,
Brennan, we should head up to the bed and breakfast. The wedding starts in like three hours and I have to get to work on my makeup.”

I squinted at her face. Her makeup was flawless already and I felt Pierre laugh a little behind my back. I put my hand behind me to grab his. I needed solid. He was my solid. He would help me see the funny stupid shit in this dreadful reunion. Or maybe I would just take Loves on that walk and sob across the beach.

Either way, I was done with this fucking conversation.

“Well, it was nice to see you again, Brennan. You two kids have a great time,” I smiled and waved as I started to walk away. Pierre helped me adjust my backpack strap as I let the shakes overtake my body. I was
not
good. I was
far
from good. I wasn’t sure my awesome muscular biking legs could take one more step.

I quickly looked back
over my shoulder. I couldn’t help it. One last look. I saw Brennan standing where I left him. He looked like a statue as Sasha was talking up to him, waving her hand in front of his face, looking quite irritated.

I gave him a small wave, a small smile, and I locked my arm through Pierre’s once again. We walked back to my bike and
I told him that I forgot to leave food for Loves. He understood something just had gone down and tried to come along.

“Listen, I just need to go take care of my dog right now
... alone. Okay?” I didn’t really ask, as I was already on my bike and he didn’t have one. As he kissed me on both cheeks, he reminded me of our appointment the following Saturday. As I took off, I yelled back that I wouldn’t miss it. Paris sounded really fucking good. Like right now. I could catch the next ferry, get on the plane, and be speaking French in less than twenty four hours.

I decided holing up in my monstrous house was better. It was just one weekend, I hoped.

TWENTY-SEVEN

So I was a chicken shit. I called Kelly and Joanie right when I got back to house and canceled on dancing Saturday night. They asked why, of course.

“Brennan is on the island” was met with complete silence. We didn’t say very much after that. The rest of Saturday I spent on the beach with Loves. He and I played ball and then stick for hours. My skin and mouth felt totally dried out by the time we made it back to the house. I wasn’t in the mood to cook so I threw in a frozen pizza and settled down with a cheap romance novel. That was absolutely not helpful in any way.

The heroine was a slut and fell in love with a married man. Fantastic. The End.

I didn’t sleep very well both Saturday and Sunday nights. I
had to squeeze my eyes against Sasha wrapping her arms around Brennan and the look he gave her before he had seen me.

B
y Monday, I felt so much better knowing that the last ferry to the mainland had left at midnight. I breathed easier because
he
wasn’t on my island anymore. Yes, it was my island. I found it first, I thought, as I dug in the dirt of my small garden. I was sticky with sweat and even though I had gardener gloves on, I still felt the dirt under my fingertips. I didn’t care. Maybe I would take a dip in my small spa and let the stress of the weekend soothe my worries away. I was on the right track in life. I was checking off my bucket list items left and right. Sometimes I wondered what I would do when I finished the list, so every once in a while I added one more item. Just one. No biggie.

Loves came up and started licking my face telling me he was hungry.
Again?

“Dude, I just fed you an hour ago. How can you be hungry again?” I laughed as we rolled on the lawn. Loves jumped off me and started barking at the tall, dark, and fucking sexy man heading up the lawn. Brennan. All the air in my lungs left me.
My island
, I thought.

Brennan stooped down to scratch Loves. I could hear him
murmuring something to the dog but I didn’t make it out totally. “Good” and maybe “Boy” but “mother” definitely stood out.

I took off my gloves and started walking down to meet him.

“Hey!” I exclaimed a little bit too enthusiastically. Maybe a little forcefully fake. My throat was clogged and I am sure I squawked rather than any other sound. Fucking throat.

“Hello
Julia,” he said as he looked up to me from petting Loves. “Nice dog. He’s yours?”

“Yep, that’s Loves,” I replied, smiling at how stupid happy Loves got at new people’s attention.

“Loves, huh?” He asked as if it was a piece of information that he was locking away in the mental safe.

I shrugged. “He loves me when the snow keeps us inside for days. Or when the storms are so bad and I can’t sleep.”

Brennan abruptly stopped scratching Loves and he stood. Loves came to sit at my side.

“You look so different,” he said.
What did he mean by that? What was he thinking? Why do I want to know every detail and observance he has about how I look different?

“Wow, Brennan, is it me or
has your conversational skills become limited? You said that the other day.” I slapped the gloves together to get rid of the excess dirt. “What do you mean by different?”

“You look really happy. Free. Your face glows like
... like you are in love,” he said cautiously.

I laughed. “Well, hell, Brennan! I am in love! Look at my house and my island. Look at my fucking fantastic dog!”

He smiled at me. His dimples were out to kill and I shifted a little to rid myself of the extremely foreign horny feeling.

“What are you doing here? Who was the little snitch on the island?” I laughed.

He laughed. “They told me I wasn’t allowed to say.”

“Oh God.
Kelly and Joanie sent you?” I groaned. I would never forgive them. Our friendship was finished. I frowned at that thought. No, telling Brennan where I lived didn’t mean I was going to break up with my two besties. I wouldn’t be able to make it on the island year round without them.

He watched me as I went through
the mental processing and finally his words took me out of my thoughts.

“What happened to you?”
He was quiet when he inquired about this but it sounded like a painful plea.

“That’s a question for the masses, my old friend,” I said on a chuckle.

“I am not an old friend,” he snapped back. “I was the love of your life. You were mine. You just took off and I called everyone. Your family didn’t know where you were. You just dropped off the face of the Earth. The only way I knew you weren’t dead was because in my total desperate measures, I contacted Johnny. He said you had hired a lawyer but that it was confidential as to who it was. Even to the band. Damn, you just quit it all.”

“I
told
you I was going to. Our last night together? I
told
you I was done,” I replied a little softer. I did not want to argue with Brennan. I wasn’t that person anymore. I didn’t feel hatred. I felt empathy and compassion for the man in front of me.

“I am
so
sorry I hurt you, Brennan. I did hurt a lot of people when I left but it wasn’t because I didn’t care. I
had
to leave for myself. I needed to get to know myself.”

“So
where
did you go?” he asked. He really needed these answers. And for fuck’s sake, it was a long ass story. I looked at him thoughtfully.

“How much time do you have?” I asked with a
smart grin. “It’s kind of a long story.”

He threw his head back and fingered his hair through, letting out a large exhale. I took in his low riding jeans and a grey tee shirt with Desired Pitch written across it. I smiled at the thought of Lizzie and Nick. I wondered how their babies were. Was that band even still together? I had stopped listening to
normal radio the day I left Manhattan. I made playlists and listened to only certain XM stations where I knew there was no way any of my old music would haunt me.

“I have a bit of time,” he answered, nodding his head.

“Yeah,” I drew out. “Shouldn’t you be with... Sasha?” I asked like I wasn’t saying her name in my head the whole fucking weekend.

“No.” He firmly stated.

“Well, then, follow me and Loves. I need to get cleaned up a bit. I have some freshly squeezed lemonade or coffee,” I said. When and how did I become such a hostess? All those small dinner parties with the girls trained me well, I thought. It obviously threw Brennan off because he looked at me like he didn’t even know who I was.

I laughed.

“Or a fucking beer. It’s got to be five o’clock somewhere on God’s green Earth.” I said, motioning him into the side door to the open windowed kitchen. I loved my kitchen. It was so New England but modern. I didn’t have to deal with hundred year old pipes but it still had the old island feeling. I noticed the tension in Brennan’s body eased as he put his hands in his pockets to follow me.

Lucky pockets.