Pink Wellies and Flat Caps (29 page)

‘Just don’t knee me in the groin,’ he whispers and I can hear the smile in his voice.

‘Never,’ I say softly.

His lips are on mine again and I groan. I feel myself enveloped in his arms and I feel as if floodgates of love for him have opened. Edward is the man I have waited for all my life, but don’t forget he has a fiancée whispers a little voice in my he
ad. Don’t forget Lucy short for Lucinda, but everyone calls me Luce. Damn it. I can’t do this to her. It’s all wrong. I push gently at his chest at the same time that headlights shine into the Land Rover. We both jump guiltily and I hasten to straighten my clothes.

‘It’s Jed,’ says Edward shakily.

‘Is Alice okay Ted?’

I’m grateful for the darkness and am relieved to know that Jed can’t see my flushed face and trembling hands.

‘I’m fine, just a little shook up,’ I say.

That’s an understatement.

‘I’m sorry about Chloe, I really am.’

I nod absently as I strain to see another man wa
lking past the pickup. My stomach lurches. I feel Edward’s eyes on me and take a small breath.

‘Ali baby, are you okay? God, I was afraid you were injured.’

‘Charlie, what are you doing here?’

Even I have to agree it is the worst welcome in the world.

‘I’ve come to tell you that I’ve been a silly bugger and to beg you to take me back. No one loves you as much as I do.’

I meet Edward’s eyes but he turns away.

‘Oh,’ I say stupidly.

‘It’s okay old boy,’ Charlie says smugly, laying his hand on Edward’s shoulder. ‘I’ll take things from here. Leave it to the city boys.’

I sigh.

‘We’ll leave you with it then Charlie boy. If you should need a hand to pull out the Beetle don’t hesitate to give us country boys a ring,’ smirks Edward, climbing into the Land Rover with an uncertain Jed.

Before I have a chance to think I am standing on the road and the Land Rover has driven off.

Charlie snorts.

‘Bloody farmers, they don’t know anything. I’ll phone the AA, they’ll have it back on the road in no time. God Ali, I have missed you. Say you forgive me for being a bloody fool.’

I watch the lights from the Land Rover disappear into the darkness and think again
of Lucy, short for Lucinda, but everyone calls me Luce.

‘I forgive you,’ I say.

Charlie

I was cleaning my teeth in the new basement flat in Sloane Square. I’d forgotten to charge up the bloody brush, so I was using the spare that Ali kept for just that very reason. Ali always took care of those things. I hate it when the sodding thing winds down after a few seconds and you still have three minutes left to brush. I don’t imagine Bianca has ever charged a toothbrush in the whole of her life. That’s probably why she is so good in bed. She saves all her energy for that department and relies on someone else to do the rest. God, she was bloody good in the bed department. I had her coming all over the place. Trouble is she came more than I did. I was bloody exhausted in the end. Alice was never much of a goer in that area but hell I know where I am with her. Thank God she isn’t one of those women, you know the type?
I’m responsible for my own life therefore I’m responsible for my own orgasm
type. But that was the moment, that toothbrush moment, when I realised I needed Ali. Not just to charge up the toothbrush but for all those little things that a woman like Alice does. I was a prick to break off the engagement. Alice was everything I needed. The basement flat is the dog’s bollocks though, and I can’t wait for Alice to move back in here with me. I’m sure she’ll love it. I’ve missed her cute little arse too. Bianca had a nice one, but a bit too wobbly for me. She also had a bit of a bum fetish too, always wanting me to do weird and wonderful things to her anus. I’m not complaining mind you, but backsides aren’t really my thing. I still can’t believe Alice compromised her beliefs though. There must have been a hundred jobs she could have taken. Why the hell did she take one managing a bloody farm? We’d had so many discussions about that at the FFFAA’s debating forum. She’s made me look a bit of fool. I could have done without her poncing around on a farm just as I am made chairperson of the
Freedom for Farm Animals Association.
Still, we can put that behind us. It took a bit of persuading to get her mum to give me the address, and bloody Georgie wasn’t much help. I don’t think Georgie has ever liked me. She’s a bloody jealous cow that one. Still, she could have warned me about the farm. What a dump. No worries about Alice wanting to leave this place that’s for sure. Christ, what have I put her through? Still, I’ll make it up to her. Perhaps I’ll take her away for a weekend somewhere. I’ll show her my Chanel watch, just casually like, and if that doesn’t impress her then nothing will. Not many men get given a watch like that after finishing a contract. A shame I didn’t get some Chanel perfume; that would really have impressed her. Hopefully Chanel will ask me to do their next big promotion and then I’ll get her some freebies. Looks like I’ve arrived just as some farmers’ get-together is finishing. I’ll find Ali and whisk her back to the hotel. Christ, there is muck and shit everywhere. Poor sodding animals, what a life they give them on these places. If it wasn’t so dark I’d rescue the poor things right now. At least once things are back to normal I’ll get some decent food. Those ready-to-eat Quorn things are bloody shite. Right, where’s the front door?

‘Shit.’

I skid on the mud as some wanker comes out of the house like some bull in a china shop, and crashes straight into me. He puts his hand out to steady me. I hope his hands are clean. I should have known better than to have worn my Jasper Conran overcoat here.

‘Sorry, I didn’t see you there. Can I help?’
he says in a thick West Country accent.             

I straighten myself up and glimpse through the open front door where
a young woman is pulling on a Parka.

‘I’m coming with you Jed,’ she says firmly.

‘No, you stay here in the warm Sara. Have the kettle on for when Alice gets back.’

Alice? So I have the right place.

‘It’s Alice I’ve come for,’ I say stressing my vowels, letting him see I speak the Queen’s English even if he can’t.

The woman stops in her tracks on seeing me. I don’t blame her. I obviously look what I am, successful, enigmatic, and handsome. I really don’t think Alice properly appreciated me.

‘I’m just going to fetch them,’ he says.

‘Alice had a car accident,’ says the woman named Sara looking me up and down.

Oh God, what kind of car accident? She’s not maimed or anything is she? What if she’s disfigured? Perhaps I should see her first before asking her to give me a second chance.

‘Is she, well, you know
?’

‘Dead, God no,’ he laughs.

‘No, I mean, badly injured?’

The woman looks at me closely and then to the other guy.

‘Who are you?’ she asks abruptly.

What a nerve.

‘I’m her fiancé, well ex-fiancé. But I will be her fiancé again once she sees me …’

‘You’re Charlie?’ she says her tone suddenly clipped.

‘Charles actually,’ I say proudly, not caring much for her attitude.

Bloody farming philistines who wouldn’t know a meat-free burger if it jumped up and bit them. They probably spend their lives around a barbeque. I hate these people. I’ve spent my whole life trying to rescue animals so these people can’t slaughter and eat them at a whim. What the hell was Alice thinking coming here? There must have been hundreds of jobs. Why she didn’t get a little flat I do not know.

‘Are you the chap she works for
?’ I say, scraping the shit off my shoe. I’ll put him in his place.

‘No, that would be Edward. You’ll ruin those shoes here. The
y’re not farm shoes are they?’ he laughs.

‘I’m not a bloody farmer am I,’ I snap.

‘You got that one right,’ snarls the woman and stomps back to the house.

‘You’d better follow me if it’s Alice you want. Or you can wait here. It’s up to you.’

‘Alice won’t be coming back here,’ I say resolutely.

What the fuck is she playing at? The sooner we get
back to normal the better. Before I know it she’ll be eating sodding lamb shank and T-bone steak. The farmer gives me an odd look and says.

‘Right, you’d better follow me then if that’s the case.’

He drives so bloody fast that I think the bugger is deliberately trying to lose me. He shoots along the narrow country lanes and takes the bends like Damon Hill. No wonder Alice had an accident if that’s how the bastards here drive. Alice is sitting in a Land Rover when we arrive. She looks a bloody mess. I don’t remember ever seeing her hair in such a muddle. I dismiss the two village idiots and call the AA. She’s totally written off the Beetle. She looks amazed to see me.

‘Charlie, what are you doing here?’ she says
, an element of surprise in her voice. She doesn’t seem as pleased as I would have hoped. Still, that’s understandable. I imagine she’s in a state of shock.

‘I’ve come to tell you that I’ve been a silly bugger and to beg you to take me back. No one loves you as much as I do.’

It takes her two seconds to forgive me. Bloody Georgie, what does she know about Alice moving on? The only place she is moving onto is my hotel room, and then back to London with me. Life will be hunky-dory and I’ll get some decent veggie meals on the table again.

I don’t believe this. The one thing I had been praying to happen finally does happen on the one day I really didn’t want it to. This could only happen to me. I wish I knew what Edward was feeling right now.

‘This is the best hotel I could find,’ Charlie says as he pops the little kettle on to boil.

‘It’s AA accredited, four stars, but the vegetarian menu is crap. What do you expect? They’re all bloody philistines in the country when it comes to meat.’

I wonder what Charlie would say if I told him that I had been eating Cornish pasty, not to mention the lamb shank and the rabbit. Best to never mention the rabbit, except maybe on my deathbed, you know as a final confession thing. What am I thinking? I’m not even sure I want to go back to Charlie, and if I do things would have to change. I’d have to change. I actually don’t think I’m a real vegetarian, not an honest one anyway. I’d have to tell Charlie. I suppose as it’s getting near Christmas we will have to go to Charlie’s
eco-warrior friends, Myrna and Phil, for their traditional Christmas nut roast with all the veggie trimmings, as always. Bollocks, I really don’t think I can face another one of those, and having to listen to Myrna telling me that everything has feelings, including the mother-in-law’s tongue plant on the windowsill. Even my parents would know better than that. Okay, so Mum thinks salmon and salad is a good vegetarian dinner and I may have to listen to Mum’s running commentary on Dad’s haemorrhoids which seem to grow to mammoth proportions at Christmas time. Still, that is preferable to Myrna’s endless monologue on seal culling, which is enough to put you off any Christmas dinner. What am I thinking? The truth is I really just want to stay here and go to the farmers’ Christmas party.

‘It’s getting late. Let’s go to bed an
d talk tomorrow,’ says Charlie.

‘I can’t go to bed with you,’ I blurt out, looking wildly around the hotel room.

He stares at me.

‘I didn’t say have sex Alice. I realise it has been a while
…’

‘A while,’ I repeat.

Why does he keep flashing his watch at me? I feel like I’m being timed or something. Or is there something wrong with his wrist.

‘Have you done something to your hand?’

‘What?’ he looks at his hand as though seeing it for the first time.

‘Oh no, just getting used to the new watch, it’s Chanel. They gave it to me because they were pleased with how I handled their contract.’

I attempt an impressed nod.

‘Yes, well it has been a while and I appreciate we may have to spice things up a bit. We can’t go back to the way we were. I know that,’ he says, opening a packet of complimentary biscuits that sit on the tea tray.

What is he suggesting? What does spice it up mean? I hope he isn’t intending on tying me to the bedposts or something. Knowing Charlie it won’t be anything more exciting than getting me to suck on a chocolate penis.

‘It’s just
…’ I begin.

He gently lays his hand on my arm.

‘Would you feel happier if you had your engagement ring back on?’

What? Did someone drop you on your head as a baby? In fact, has someone dropped you on your head recently because you seem to be more stupid than before. What am I thinking? That is just plain horrid
of me. He falls onto the bed and seems to bounce on the springs. The kettle bubbles away incessantly and the room begins to fill up with steam.