Pink Wellies and Flat Caps (25 page)

She pushes him playfully in the chest.

‘You’ve helped Ted, along with Jed and Matt. I’m truly grateful too. My husband died a year ago,’ she says with a forced smile. ‘I’ve tried to hang onto the farm and the village has been great. I couldn’t have asked to be part of a better community. I’m really glad I came tonight. I nearly didn’t.’

I feel myself growing ho
tter and hotter and fan my face with the Stetson.

‘I’m so sorry about your husband,’ I say before she is dragged away by Lydia.

‘It’s the all ladies dance, come on Alice,’

I shake my head and fan myself some more.

‘Let’s get you outside in the fresh air,’ offers Edward.

Oh dear, isn’t this the kind of trouble Georgie said I must not get into. It looks like it will be Edward’s face that will be splattered all over his nice car. Although I don’t imagine Edward would make a pass at me. Nevertheless, a woman can hope can’t she? The cold
air hits me sharply and I clasp his arm for support. It’s pitch black and the sky is clear, giving me a view of the stars and I marvel at them, as always. The strains of the accordion reach our ears and a single voice drawls out a country love song.

‘In London you can barely see the stars, at least I’ve never noticed them,’ I say dreamily feeling the vodka take effect.

The aroma of the pig roast is overtaken by the smell of burning logs.

‘Alice,’ he says leaning towards me and
just at that moment I get cramp in my toe. I let out a yelp and kick it out and up so high that I practically wallop him in the groin with it. Honestly this could only happen to me.

‘I’ve got cramp in my toe,’ I cry.

He looks bewildered.

‘What?’

‘It must be all the dancing and the heat. Oh God, it’s terrible.’

I struggle to pull my boot off so I can stretch the toes. He pushes me back against the barn. Of all the times to get passionate this really is not it. But I see he has no intention of devouring me but instead grabs my foot almost sending me
falling to the ground.

‘Wrong foot,’ I say wincing.

I’m overcome with an ever-growing anxiety that my feet will stink. After all that dancing they are bound to be smelly aren’t they? I’ve always had a tendency to sweaty smelly feet and tonight’s no exception. This is just terrible. One whiff of those and he will go right off me or die from the fumes.

‘It would be wouldn’t it?’ he says grabbing the other foot.

This is not quite the pass I had in mind. He pulls the boot off and I cringe, expecting him to pass out from the stench. However, he doesn’t, but begins to massage my foot in such a sensual way that I swear if feet could orgasm I would most certainly have a multi.

‘Ooh,’ is all I can mumble as he removes my sock.

There is silence as we both stare at my deformed toes. God, I’m disfigured. My big toe has separated itself so far from my second toe that I look like a crab. Edward laughs, and it’s so infectious that I follow suit.

‘I’ve seen horror films that are tame compared to that foot,’ he says with mock seriousness.

I stretch the toes upwards with a soft little moan.

‘Don’t mock the afflicted.’

I shiver slightly and feel his arm goes around my shoulder, and I shiver even more.

‘Let’s get back inside before your toe gets frostbite,’ he smiles, ‘that would be the final straw.’

He helps me up and I pull on the sock and boot while leaning on him. In the silence I can hear his steady breathing.

‘I’ve had a lovely evening,’ I say.

He kisses me tenderly on the cheek and for a few seconds hovers there before his lips move along it to my mouth. I turn my face slightly to meet his lips. At that moment the music gets louder as the barn door swings open. Edward quickly pulls away as Lydia calls to us,

‘Sara is about to make her speech. Hurry.’

Edward gives me an apologetic shrug and taking my hand, escorts me back into the hall to hear the speech that I so much wished could have happened five minutes later.

Georgie

You could have knocked me down with a feather when I saw Charlie standing on the threshold of my flat looking for all the world like a little lost boy.

‘I’ve made such a terrible mistake,’ he says looking crestfallen.

I was a bit pissed to see him to be honest. I’d just thrown on my dressing gown after a late Sunday morning shower and was poring over
Cosmopolitan
and completing their
Is your boyfriend being honest with you?
questionnaire, and discovering that, of course, James never had been. I just love the articles in
Cosmo
, especially the sexual ones which frankly have you fumbling about all over the place. So, there I am, stuffing myself full of marshmallow and about to drool over the article
Do you know where your G-spot is?,
when the doorbell rings. Had it been anyone other than Charlie I may not have been so pissed. My feelings for the drivelling little wimp aren’t even repeatable. But anyone who interrupts me trying to find my G-spot is never going to be popular now are they?

For a minute I think he means he has made a terrible mistake by knocking on my door and I can’t but help agree with him, but of course he doesn’t mean that at all.

‘I should never have let her go,’ he says, his face creasing while I have a mini panic attack at the thought he may actually blubber on my doorstep.

‘You’d better come in,’ I say in my most unwelcome voice.

He shuffles in and with a sweep of his eyes takes in the
Cosmo
magazine, wine and marshmallows.

‘God, I’m sorry, you’re in the middle of
…’

I raise my eyebrows. Just what does he think I’m in the middle of?

‘Relaxing,’ he finishes. ‘It’s just … Oh God, I’ve been utterly bloody stupid, Georgie.’

Well at least he said it.

‘I … I don’t know what came over me taking Bianca to Italy. Obviously all I thought about was Alice.’

Obviously.

‘It was all so bloody awful,’ he says, taking a handful of marshmallows.

‘I’m sure.’

‘I don’t know what I was thinking of.’

‘Clearly,’ I say, removing the wine.

‘It was the sex, I think, that did it.’

‘The sex?’

God, I really don’t want to go there. I top up my glass while he looks on longingly.

‘Somehow it felt lacking with Alice, you know,’
he says flopping onto my couch. ‘With Bianca it was relentless. I couldn’t keep it up to be honest.’

He points to the wine.

‘Do you think I could have some of that?’

Not really.

‘I guess so,’ I say, pouring him half a glass.

‘The thing is I can’t live without her.’

He takes a long gulp and leans back.

‘Alice?’ I ask.

‘Well of course. I tried with Bianca after Italy. I don’t know what I was thinking of, ending it with Alice. I suddenly didn’t want to be tied down you know, and then I couldn’t find any reason why I shouldn’t be tied down to Alice.’

Christ almighty. I’m sure Alice would be dead flattered to hear this.

‘The thing is …’ He stops and looks at me urgently, ‘Do you think she’ll have me back?’

I shrug, shake my head and stammer something.

‘I thought I’d go down and see her, what do you think?’

Go down and see her. God, don’t ask me for her address.

‘Her mum gave me the address. She’s on some farm or other. I guess you knew that.’

Holy fuck, I’ll kill her mother.

‘Erm,’ I mumble.

‘God Georgie,’ he says, grabbing me by my dressing gown cord. ‘I can’t be without her.’

And I can’t be without this cord you wanker. I yank it from his hands and spin away from him.

‘It’s been over
three months Charlie. She’s been in Cornwall for seven weeks now.’

‘God,’ he moans again and sinks into the couch. ‘She won’t even answer my calls. I made a mistake. I admit that. I was to blame. She is perfect. I was bloody stupid not to see what I had. It’s like her Blackberry is permanently off. I don’t understand it.’

That’s most likely because it is. I’m not giving you the sodding Nokia number. Oh no way Jose.

‘Has she met someone else? Is that what you’re saying?’

Christ Charlie boy, we’re not all fast workers like you. I can’t stand the thought of Ali being all shaken up again. The poor cow is just getting on her feet and finally seeing that other men find her attractive. Okay, Dominic Montfort might not be my ideal choice but there are more like him and that’s what matters.

‘The thing is we’re all moving on Charlie. Is it fair to unsettle her?’

He jumps from the couch scaring me half to death.

‘Of course it is. She loves me, she’s always loved me. I know I’ve hurt her but I’ll make it up to her. You know I will Georgie.’

I try to hide my sigh. I’m not so sure Charlie is the best thing for Ali right now. Country life seems to suit her and what’s more I can visit regularly and get to know Jed better. There always has to be a bloody fly in the ointment and here he is.

‘What’s she doing down there anyway? Is she having some kind of extended holiday?’

I raise my eyebrows.

‘Charlie I told you, she got a job there.’

Recognition flits across his face.

‘Oh yes I remember. Some farm manager job.’

He shakes his head despairingly.

‘She has no real conviction when it comes to her vegetarianism. It’s not easy to stick by your principles. The thing is I can’t have her doing this if we’re getting back together. The president of the FFFAA has just made me chairperson of the London branch,’ he says proudly
. ‘I can’t have my fiancée working on a farm.’

I shrug, yawn and pick up my new P. D. James novel. I wish he would bugger off and preferably soon.

‘What exactly does a farm manager do anyway?’ he asks thoughtfully.

F
eeding calves with penis buckets and baking cakes for village fetes I think.

‘God knows,’ I say heading towards the front door in the hope he gets the hint.

‘The thing is,’ he says uncertainly, ‘I was wondering if you’d put a good word in for me?’

What!

‘Charlie, the problem with that is,’ I pause for effect, ‘I don’t have a good word to say for you.’

He pulls angrily on the door handle.

‘You were always trying to put her against me,’ he says petulantly.

‘That’s not true Charlie.’

‘Just because you can’t get a man, you think …’

Oh fuck off Charlie and let me get back to my G-spot. He gives a disgruntled snort of disgust and stomps out. What a turn of events. Bloody Charlie back on the scene is just what we all don’t need. I suppose I had better break the news to Alice. Fucking classic this is.

‘You’re a godsend Alice, and that’s the truth.’

Martha stands back and surveys my flower arrangement with admiration. I shiver slightly from the chill in the church and rub my hands together. Who would have thought I’d be decorating the church altar?

‘It’s getting cold. We’ll be planning the Christmas services soon. I do hope you’ll help with the flowers then Alice?’ asks Lydia.

Christmas, that’s a bit premature isn’t it? Of course, I had planned on going skiing with Charlie. In fact I was the one organising the Christmas party for the
health centre staff. I wonder who is doing that now? I suppose Charlie will be taking Big Tits to Austria. Hopefully she’ll be so top heavy that she’ll go arse over her own tits. I have no idea what I will be doing over Christmas.

‘Alice,’ booms Reverend Marsh.

I cringe. Don’t get me wrong, he isn’t one of those creepy priests with his hand stuck up an altar boy’s cassock, he’s just creepy in a religious fanaticism way. He is always thrusting a bible up my nose and trying to get me to church. Lady Fisher follows him in and I fight the urge to curtsy. She nods at me and takes her seat in the front pew. Rocky cocks his leg, gets a stern look from Reverend Marsh, and lowers it again. Even Rocky can’t face the wrath of God it seems. I move towards the door as more people arrive and my hand knocks against some hymn books sending them hurtling to the ground.

‘Oh
God, I mean, oh bugger. Oh shit. I’m so sorry Reverend.’

Lady Fisher turns to glare at me and I feel obliged to drop my head in shame. Mona who enters at that moment bends with me to pick them up.

‘Swearing in church Alice? I say, only you could get three words out in one sentence,’ she whispers.

‘God, I’m mortified,’ I whisper back.