Pink Wellies and Flat Caps (24 page)

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Authors: Lynda Renham

Tags: #Humor & Entertainment, #Humor, #Love; Sex & Marriage, #Literature & Fiction, #Humor & Satire, #General Humor

BOOK: Pink Wellies and Flat Caps
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‘Please, I beg you. D
on’t tell the world you are going to a barn dance not unless you want to lose your reputation as country glamour girl.’

‘It’s w
hat we do in the country,’ I said laughing.

‘They also shag behind the barns and press up against the bark of trees, but that doesn’t mean you have to.’

‘Well if everyone else is doing it I don’t see why I shouldn’t too.’

‘Hussy,’ she laughed. ‘Give Jed my love and
be careful. Remember what happened when Thelma and Louise went dancing.’

I snort.

‘No one will get smart with me because if they do I'm gonna splatter their ugly face all over their nice car!’

‘Goddam it, Alice, you’re disturbed.’

‘I sure am,’ I laughed.

Lydia has tied her hair in pigtails and overdone the rou
ge. She looks like a wind-up doll you see in shop windows. I tell her she looks terrific, how could I say anything else? Martha insists I leave my hair down and plops the Stetson on my head. I slip on the only checked shirt I have and complement it with a blue silk scarf that Lydia lends me. I look like I am about to attend the rodeo. We are all slightly merry by the time we leave Martha’s and are already doing the soft shoe shuffle to the distant sounds of the band’s accordion. Jed passes us in his van and hoots several times.

‘Howdy ladies, save a dance for us,’ shout the men from the back.

Lydia waves excitedly while turning bright pink. And to think I had her down as an old spinster. As we near Cockspit Farm I feel my stomach flutter. Music blares out of the well-lit barn and the smell of roasted pig reaches our nostrils and I think of Pepper. I vow to stick to salad for the entire evening. Martha opens the door and the music engulfs us. A circle of people are clapping wildly as others spin around the dance floor to cheers and laughter. So this is how they live it up in the country. Martha drags me to the bar.

‘Do you want wine Alice, or something else?’ she shouts over the music.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Dominic striding purposefully towards us.

‘These are on me,’ he says kissing me on the cheek.

‘You look lovely ladies,’ he bows graciously.

Lydia blushes again and looks at him admiringly. The top three buttons of his shirt are undone, I presume deliberately and he is wearing a bolo tie. I almost expect him to leap onto the stage and perform a cowboy striptease. I rather think Lydia would be dribbling in the front row if he did.
Before I have time to sip at my drink Martha has pulled me into the circle of dancers and I’m taking the arm of a man I have never set eyes on before. I look back to an irritated Dominic and shrug.

‘Matt Hardy, nice to meet you,’ says the man spinning me around.

‘Five six seven eight,’ shouts the caller, ‘to the left and spin her around, now to the right.’

‘Hello. Y
ou’ve been working with Edward,’ I say breathlessly, spinning to the left when it should be to the right.

‘Hook arms, and now pass her on,’ sings the caller.

‘Talk of the devil,’ laughs Matt spinning me towards Edward, ‘She’s all yours Ted.’

How I wish. Goodness
I’m dizzy already and I have hardly started. There are an awful lot of men here. In fact, this is the most men I have seen since coming to the village and they’ve all got lust in their eyes if you ask me.

‘Evening,’ smiles Edward
giving me a sharp head bow. ‘Nice outfit.’

‘Thank you,’ I say as I am propelled to the middle of the room.

‘You look very smart yourself.’

He also smells absolutely gorgeous. He is wearing a crisp white shirt tucked into jeans and on his head is a tatty Stetson too. His eyes twinkle from beneath it and his rugged skin is glowing from a recent shower. His hand is warm in mine and the kiss comes rushing back
into my mind. Suddenly my hand is wrenched from his and I am being spun around by Jed. I strain my neck to see Edward who is now spinning Sara around. He then lifts her from the ground and gives her a long lingering kiss. I gasp and quickly turn away.

‘Congratulations party girl. Well done, we are all so proud of you,’ I hear him say.

Jed pulls me to the centre and back again.

‘Are you enjoying it?’ he asks.

I was. Come on Alice, stop being so stupid. Edward is entitled to kiss whoever he likes.

‘Four to the left and four to the right. Now pass that lady over.’

I spin past Sara who giggles happily and am then in Dominic’s arms.

‘I hate sharing you,’ he says and I shudder. I sure hope I don’t have to splatter Dominic’s brains all over his nice car.

‘Last one gents. Spin her to the right, and now the left. Thank her kindly and encircle her waist.’

‘Thank you lovely lass,’ he whispers before kissing me fully on the lips.

The music stops and I manoeuvre myself out of his arms.

‘Phew, I need a drink.’

‘I’ll catch you for the next dance. That’s a promise.’

I head towards the b
ar where Lydia stands. My heart is thumping and my face burning. I collect the cake I had made and make for the food table in a bid to avoid Dominic, for a short time at least. Sara leaps at me excitedly pulling me towards another woman. I clasp the chocolate cake in my hands and practically throw it on the table in fear of getting it crushed.

‘Mum this is Alice. Look at this divine cake she has made for the party,’ says Sara, attacking the cake with a knife as soon as it lands on the table.

‘How lovely to meet you Alice, of course Sara has told us all about you. You must think us all barbarians down here. It’s so different to London.’

‘It’s lovely though. I really like it in the country.’

‘This cake is really amazing Alice,’ swoons Sara, offering some to her mother.

‘You’re so welcome and congratulations on passing your exams, you must be so happy.’

‘So this is Alice,’ booms a voice.

I turn and come face to face with an exceptionally handsome man. His eyes match Sara’s but his nose is slighter longer than hers and his mouth fuller but I immediately see where Sara gets her good looks. His hair is greying at the temples giving him a distinguished mature
appearance. His handshake is warm and confident.

‘I’m very pleased to hear you’re enjoying country life. We in the village are enjoying having you. I’m Sebastian, Sara’s father and this is my wife Celia. I hope you’re enj
oying our little barn dance.’

Edward swings by us with a red
-haired woman on his arm and waves encouragingly for us to join them.

‘Shall we?’ asks Sebastian.

I didn’t have to consider my reply as within seconds I am being spun around the dance floor yet again and dancing for all I am worth and loving it. I find myself praying that Luce will never come back. How awful is that? I never thought I of all people would enjoy a barn dance. It feels like I’m in a scene from
Seven Brides and Seven Brothers
. Dominic is standing in the doorway looking very sultry and I remember that he had promised me this dance. Edward twirls the redhead towards us as the caller shouts to change partners. I am in his arms again and he is smiling widely. I am about to speak when I am twirled into Jed’s arms. I am beginning to know what it must be like to speed date. I end up back with Sebastian as the music ends. He bows graciously and politely thanks me for the dance. Dominic is eyeing me from the doorway and begins to come towards me when, lo and behold, the greengrocer is standing in front of me. I should sell tickets. I’m beginning to feel like a prize catch.

‘If you would be so kind Miss Alice, I do believe the next one is mine. There’s a marrow in it for you.’

I tip my Stetson.

‘Good heavens Mr Lovell, if it’s marrows you’re talking then I think I can most certainly squeeze you in,’
I laugh.

‘Make that two
marrow’s Ken, this is a long dance. Alice should be paid adequately,’ calls Edward.

Good heavens. I wonder if Edward will offer his marrow for the next dance. I wouldn’t like to guess what Dominic would
offer, a large cucumber I should imagine.

 

Not so long ago I had been utterly miserable but now I couldn’t be happier. An hour and two glasses of wine later and I don’t even mind that Charlie took Big Tits on our honeymoon. Martha stands on one of the tables singing an Irish ditty to Sara who is weeping all over the place. Sebastian sits at a table with Edward, Jed and I and is now heartily applauding Martha.

‘More, more,’ roars Edward, leaning across for the wine. He stops with his face close to mine and winks.

‘Having fun?’

‘With two free marrows how could I not be?’ I say, surprising myself.

Sara sways drunkenly towards me and puts both arms around my neck. Her face is very flushed and her lipstick smudged where she has been kissing everyone. I wonder if I look the same. Not because I have been kissing everyone you understand, but the heat and the dancing, not to mention the wine must have left its mark on me too. It certainly hasn’t put Dominic off who has been sending me admiring glances all night.

‘Okay
, it’s ladies’ choice. Choose your partners for the do-si-do,’ shouts the caller.

‘Come on Jed,’ Sara says jubilantly.

Oh, that was a surprise. I felt quite certain she would choose Edward. My brain goes into overdrive. If I don’t hurry someone will claim him. Goodness, I’m talking about him like he is a lottery win. I could look around all nonchalantly like and give the impression that no one else looks that appealing so it may as well be him. The problem with that is if I take too long someone else will invite him to dance, but if I look too keen he will know how much I fancy him, and fancy him I do. It really is no good denying it. As gorgeous as Dominic is, he is nowhere near as gorgeous as Edward. Oh dear, I can barely stand the tension. I will have to ask him soon. I bite my lip anxiously and taste blood. I see the redhead approaching. He lifts his head to acknowledge her and I pounce on him like a sexual predator and almost land in his lap.

‘Come on ladies, grab a man.’

I’m trying. I hover over Edward, all flustered and sweaty and ask,

‘How about it?’

I ask you, where did that come from? I was fully intending to say
Edward can I have this dance,
but somehow it came out like an indecent proposal. He smiles, his head cocked to one side. The music begins and for one awful minute I think he is going to say no, but he puts his hand in mine and pretends to allow me to pull him up.

‘I’d love to Miss Lane,’ he smiles and twirls me onto the danc
e floor, his hand warm in mine.

The adrenalin levels in my body drop and I feel my legs go weak. My feet feel hot and swollen in my boots, but I couldn’t care. Dominic shakes his head and gives me a tight smile. Oh my word, I did it. I actually asked Edward to dance and I got there before anyone else. The dance is a mad spin with the fid
dle players seeming to go into complete overdrive. There are lots of shouts and foot stamping and I am actually beginning to feel quite a professional at this. The music slows and Edward pulls me in close.

‘Slow waltz now gentlem
en, one two three and turn.’

Edward turns me expertly and catches my hand again before joining the other men to make an arch. Breathlessly giggling I follow Sara under the arch and take four side steps before meeting Edward again who glides me around the dance floor in a slow waltz. I pass Martha and Sebastian who are clapping, and then a very happy Lydia who is dancing with Dominic. I smile at him but he gives me a sour look. I have to say that being newly single is finally starting to feel quite liberating. I shiver as Edward’s lips gently touch my ear and feel I could stay in his arms like this forever. The waltz comes to
an end but the stomping continues. Edward pulls me out of the ring as everyone surges forward.

‘Time for some food,’ he says pulling me by the hand towards the roasting pig.

‘Oh, I couldn’t,’ I protest.

‘Have some cold turkey. You’re not nursing one of those are you?’ he mocks
, ordering drinks.

‘Very funny,’ I say
, struggling to get my breath.

He gives me a heart
-stopping smile which isn’t very helpful when I am trying to catch my breath. I grab the glass of water from the guy behind the bar and knock the liquid back in one go. They both look at me in amazement. I swallow and shudder.

‘That was a vodka and tonic,’ says the barman.

‘Yes, I know that now.’ I splutter.

‘For the lady,’ he says inclining his head to the redhead. Oh dear.

She smiles and drapes her arm through Edward’s.

‘That’s fine
. I think Alice needed it more than me. Edward most certainly swept you off your feet,’ she laughs.

He most certainly has.

‘Alice, this is Mona, believe it or not she owns Orchard Farm. It’s the farm at the end of Church Lane and she’s doing a grand job,’ says Edward with admiration in his voice.

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