Pigeon English (19 page)

Pigeon: I’ll see what I can do. Now close your eyes.

Brayden Campbell sneezes like a mouse. You think he’ll do a massive sneeze because he’s tough but when it comes out it’s only a tiny little one. You can’t even hear it. It hardly even makes a noise. Asweh, it’s very funny!

Connor Green: ‘It sounds like a mouse having an orgasm.’

You only can’t laugh or he’ll finish you. Orgasm is just another word for the sneeze of a mouse. It’s my favourite word of today. I said it instead of God bless you.

Brayden Campbell: ‘Ahchoo!’

Me: ‘Orgasm!’

Brayden Campbell: ‘F— off!’

Brayden Campbell is the toughest in Year 7. Nobody has ever beaten him. He’s big and fast at the same time. His special move is the headlock. That’s where they get your head under their arm so you can’t see or breathe. He’s also the best at real blows. Most people just hit the air but Brayden Campbell actually hits you. He punches like a man. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. He punched Ross Kelly in the back of his head and spit came out his mouth. You could even hear where the punch landed. It was crazy. Brayden Campbell can knock you out with one punch.

Chevon Brown’s the second toughest. He’s not as big as Brayden but he’s probably faster. He’s never scared. He’ll even kick you. He doesn’t care if he kills you. He’ll kick you in the belly or even the nuts.

Kyle Barnes just pushes you over all the time. He pushes you into the wall or the bushes. It’s quite sneaky. Really it’s cheating, he uses the world to defeat you. He just pushes you into whatever’s there. The only way to beat him is to stay far away. If you’re not close enough, he can’t push you. He only pushes, it’s the only move he knows. I could beat him. I’m too fast for him. He can’t push me over because I’m never close enough.

Kyle Barnes: ‘Come here so I can get you, pussy!’

Me: ‘Sorry! No can do!’

I’m tougher than Gideon Hall as well. He’s in the other half of Year 7. Everybody says Gideon Hall’s proper tough but it’s only because he has the most backup. When he’s on his own he’s weak. One time Gideon Hall wouldn’t let me past. I just crashed into him with my elbow and he nearly fell over. He didn’t even come after me. He isn’t tough at all.

LaTrell beat a boy in Year 9. I never met him, I just heard about it. He actually broke the other boy’s arm. The police even came.

Everybody: ‘He just bent it till it snapped. It was well sick. You could see the bone sticking out and everything. The other kid can never play basketball again. He can’t get his arm over his head no more, it won’t even go straight.’

Dean’s special move is the uppercut. It’s when you punch somebody from down below. You move your hand from down to up and punch them under the chin. He’s never used it. It’s only for emergencies.

Dean: ‘It’s too dangerous, innit. It can give them brain damage. I only use it when I’ve got no choice.’

I don’t really have a special move yet. I’m better at defence than attack. I’m still one of the toughest in Year 7, probably number four or three. I’m very fast. One time Connor Green tried to slap me in the ear and I used my Tae Kwon Do block on him. It actually worked! Everybody saw it. Now they think I know Tae Kwon Do. Now they don’t even try to fight me. They know I’ll only block them or get away.

There was a ruckus at lunchtime. It was the best one so far. I didn’t even think it was real until I saw her hair come out. I didn’t even think girls could fight like that. It felt too crazy. It was Miquita and Chanelle. Nobody knew why they were fighting, we just had to watch. It was even hutious. Miquita actually punched Chanelle on the head, it was a proper dirty blow like a man. Then Chanelle got Miquita’s hair. Miquita was screaming like a crazy witch.

Chanelle was just quiet. She was concentrating so hard. Her face was all pink and her eyes were proper fierce. She was mad.

Miquita: ‘You f—ing skank! You ain’t gonna tell shit!’

Then Miquita pulled Chanelle’s hair. Some came out in her hands. She blew it out of her hands and it flew over everybody. They all screamed when it touched them, it was disgusting.

Everybody went into a circle to watch. Miquita’s friends were all cheering her and telling her to kill Chanelle. Nobody was cheering for Chanelle. I felt sorry for her, it’s not fair when they only cheer for one.

Chanelle made a bomb. She got into a ball and crashed into Miquita’s belly. Miquita went flying. She nearly broke through the circle but the circle bounced her back into the middle. They wanted the fight to go on. They wanted to see somebody get killed. Miquita tried to dig her fingers into Chanelle’s eyes. Chanelle closed her eyes so she couldn’t dig them in. Then Miquita tried to pull Chanelle’s ear off. That was the funniest bit. Everything stopped.

Chanelle: ‘Earrings!’

Miquita let go of Chanelle’s ear, then they started fighting again. Miquita got Chanelle’s head in her arms. She was squeezing her head. Chanelle couldn’t move. She was kicking. She tried to stamp on Miquita’s feet but she couldn’t see anything. You actually thought they were going to kill each other. You wanted them to stop. It wasn’t funny anymore. Somebody was going to die. But everybody kept cheering them on.

Everybody: ‘Kill her! Kill her!’

Some of the Dell Farm Crew were there. They were laughing. They loved it. Dizzy was taking a picture on his phone.

Dizzy: ‘Rarse! You gonna die, bitch!’

Killa wasn’t laughing. His face was just hard. He was worried for Miquita. He wanted her to win. He couldn’t even watch anymore, he just split to the cafeteria.

X-Fire: ‘Where you going, man? You should see this, innit. You made this shit.’

Killa: ‘F— off, man. I didn’t make nothing.’

Chanelle’s behind was going to burst from her trousers. Some snot dripped on the floor and went on Miquita’s shoes. They just kept going round and round. They were never going to stop. Miquita was trying to swing Chanelle around so she was in front of the cafeteria window. Everybody knew what was her plan.

Dizzy: ‘Throw her through the window, man!’

She was going to do it. She was pulling Chanelle towards the window. Chanelle was pulling the other way. Her feet were dragging across the ground. It was like when you take a goat to the killing shed and the goat doesn’t want to go. Chanelle was like that. She knew she was going to die. She was pulling and pulling. Miquita was dragging and dragging.

Miquita: ‘This is what you get! You best keep your mouth shut, bitch!’

I wanted to close my eyes but I couldn’t stop looking. It was just too brutal. I saw Lydia on the other side of the circle. She didn’t know who to support, Miquita or Chanelle. She was just watching them both. Her face was all scared and stiff.

Then the teachers came. They broke through the circle and got Miquita and Chanelle and pulled them away. Everybody went quiet. They were disappointed, you could tell. They wanted to see somebody get killed. The teachers pushed us all away. The circle broke up and everybody split. It was very fast.

You could see the snot on the ground and some of Chanelle’s hair like a crazy spiderweb. There was a fingernail. Somebody trod on it and crushed it before I could pick it up for evidence. I couldn’t concentrate for the rest of the day, everybody was still thinking about the ruckus. Everybody acted out their favourite bits like a movie. Nobody could believe it was real. It was the best fight they’d ever seen. The best bit was when you thought somebody you didn’t love would die, it made you feel invisible.

All the pool balls at Youth Club are broken. They all have holes in and they don’t even roll right. People keep throwing them. You’re not supposed to throw them but they still do. And some of the sticks don’t even have an end. You can never hit the ball straight, it always goes wobbly. Asweh, it’s proper vexing. The pool table smells of wet dust. There’s a hell of burns on it from cigarettes. If you licked it you’d get a million germs. Even Nathan Boyd wouldn’t dare to lick it.

Lydia went in first to see if X-Fire was in there. She looked around the corner. I crossed my fingers (it’s quicker than praying when it’s an emergency).

Me: ‘Is it all clear?’

Lydia: ‘Yes! Just come on or we’ll be here all night.’

It was our only chance. X-Fire thinks he owns the table, nobody else ever gets a go when he’s there. It’s only when Derek isn’t around. Derek’s bigger than X-Fire, and he knows Tae Kwon Do. He taught me a forearm block. There’s one that goes high to block a high attack and one that goes low to block a low attack. It’s quite easy. Derek wouldn’t teach me an attack for if I used it on Lydia. When somebody asks him to teach them an attack it’s usually just to sound their sisters with. He only teaches defences.

We only played until the crazy balls got too vexing. Lydia wasn’t even trying. She hit the white ball in the pocket on purpose just so she’d lose.

Lydia: ‘Game over. You win.’

Me: ‘Ho! You can’t lose on purpose, it’s cheating!’

Lydia: ‘I can do what I want. It’s a stupid game anyway.’

She only says that because she’s no good. It doesn’t mean you should give up. Mamma says giving up is a sin. It’s the same as lying. It’s even worse than that because it’s lying to yourself.

When we came out I used my binoculars to check for enemies. Miquita and Killa were sitting on the wall. Miquita was smoking a fat cigarette and Killa had his hand down the back of her pant. It was quite disgusting. I wanted to puke.

Miquita: ‘Hello, Juicy Fruit.’

Me: ‘Gowayou.’

Miquita: ‘Chlamydia, you want some?’

Miquita held her fag out for Lydia. The smoke smelled like BO. It made my heart go proper fast.

Lydia: ‘No thanks.’

Miquita: ‘She’s a good girl, innit. And she knows when to keep her mouth shut, not like Chanelle. I had to bounce that bitch. Whatever she thinks she knows, she don’t know shit. She’s just an attention-seeker, that’s all she is. She needs to grow up.’

You could see the lighter burns on Miquita’s hands all shiny like wax. They weren’t even for a good reason like Auntie Sonia’s burns, they were just a trick. Killa only made them so Miquita would admire him. I even felt sorry for him then. I didn’t even have to burn Poppy to make her admire me, I only had to make her laugh. Somebody should tell him, laughing is the best way to make them admire you. It’s even easier than burning.

Killa: ‘Stop looking at me, man. I’ll break them f—ing things you don’t put ’em down.’

His mouth just looked stupid through the binoculars. It was too close up to be angry anymore, it just looked like a cartoon. I don’t even think Killa’s hutious. He can’t even spell his own name right. It should be Killer. His eyes were all sad from where the smoke was getting in them. I know how he feels, it’s proper itchy.

Killa: ‘I mean it, man, I ain’t messing around. Just f— off.’

Killa stood up all red-eyes. I spun around sharp-sharp and started looking at the Jubilee Centre instead. You can still see the ghosts of the bad words on the wall, waiting to trap you. F— off and
DFC
and suck my balls. I felt Killa grab me from the back. I wasn’t even suspecting it. He got my hands and squeezed them proper hard and made me drop the binoculars. He smashed them and smashed them against the wall until they were broken in a million pieces.

Killa: ‘I f—ing told you. Don’t f— with me, man.’

Derek: ‘What’s going on?’

Derek came out proper fast like thunder and Killa just split down the alley. Miquita went after him, her big fat behind was wobbling all over the place like a bag of crazy mice.

Me: ‘You’re paying for them! I’ll tell the police you broke them!’

There’s no way I can fix them, they’re too far dead. Without the binoculars I’m just a civilian again.

Lydia: ‘I’ll buy you some more.’

Me: ‘You’ll never find them again. I got them at the carnival.’

Lydia: ‘They don’t have to be army colour.’

Me: ‘I like army colour, it’s better for hiding.’

Lydia: ‘Who do you have to hide from?

Me: ‘Nobody.’

Lydia: ‘Let’s just go home, it’s getting late.’

Signs of guilt include:

Ants in your pant

Talking too fast

Always looking around you like you’ve lost something ✓

Smoking too much ✓

Crying too much

Scratching

Biting your fingers

Spitting ✓

Sudden bouts of violence ✓

Uncontrolled gas (farting a lot)

Religious hysteria

I put it in my notes for Dean:

Me: ‘Detective Opoku observed four signs of guilt in suspect: Killa. He then obstructed Detective Opoku when he was doing his duty. Detective Opoku suggests we make him suspect number one. Beware: suspect’s accomplice, Miquita Sinclair (aka Fat Hands, aka Miquita Shit Eater), is unlikely to cooperate. She’s a bitch. Suggest we approach with caution. Over and out.’

Aka stands for also known as. It works for names you gave them and for names they gave themself.

All the women were very worried for if they couldn’t get their meat anymore.

One woman: ‘Where am I s’posed to get my meat from now? I always get my meat from Nish.’

Another woman: ‘His meat’s better. The butcher’s meat’s always tough. It’s not as fresh.’

One woman: ‘I know. What are we s’posed to do now?’

It was too late to do anything, they were already taking Nish away. He was shouting and screaming like an alien. He sounded mad. He didn’t want to go. The policemen were pulling him and pulling him but he was hanging onto his van. He wouldn’t let go of it. They had to pull his fingers off. I could hear them breaking. Asweh, it was very cruel.

Watch doctor: ‘Leave him alone! Bully!’

Fruit man: ‘About f—ing time! Send him home!’

It felt too crazy. It wasn’t fair. He didn’t even poison anybody. I wanted to help him but the policemen were in the way, they’d spray acid in my face.