Pigeon English (14 page)

Me: ‘Now if he ever smells a killer he’ll remember and he’ll make the same face.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘He makes that face when he farts as well though.’

Me: ‘But if he’s looking at a person when he does it you know it’s not farts, it’s evil. It means that person’s got killing thoughts. Then they’re a suspect. You can tie them up with Asbo’s lead until the police come.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

We got a chance to test it straight away: X-Fire and Dizzy and Killa were coming across the green. I wasn’t even scared because Terry Takeaway was with us, he could destroy them. He used to be in the army before he got in his bottle. Me and Dean did a big jump to get Asbo’s attention so Terry Takeaway could get the meat off him. He threw it back in the bushes. Asbo couldn’t chase it this time because he was on the lead. He gave up looking for it when X-Fire bumped me. He’s always bumping me. This time I even wanted him to, it meant he was close enough for Asbo to get a good sniff of him.

X-Fire: ‘Get that dog away from me, man.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘Watch where you’re going then. What’s your problem?’

Asbo got straight to work. He sniffed them all like they were more meat. We kept watching for if he made his evil face. If his ears went up or his eyes went sad, we’d know we were onto something serious. They tried to walk around him but Terry Takeaway pulled the lead so Asbo stayed in front of them. He wasn’t finished yet. He jumped at Killa and made his eyes go all big. Asweh, it was too sweet! He was sniffing right in his nuts.

Killa: ‘I ain’t f—ing joking man, get him away!’

Killa got a screwdriver out of his pant. I saw it with my own two eyes.

Terry Takeaway: ‘What you gonna do with that, play with yourself?’

X-Fire: ‘Put it away, blud.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘You best listen to your mate. Run on home before your ice cream melts, yeah?’

They just split. Asbo’s ears were still up. I could even see the killing thoughts in the air, they were sticking to us like crazy moths after thunder. They wanted to kill us, you could tell. The test was a great success. It made more questions: if they wanted to kill everybody then what bit was meant for the dead boy? How could you tell one sin from another if they were all the same shape? Asweh, it’s very hard sometimes being a detective, your head just gets filled up with questions all day. I wished I’d tied them up when I had the chance but I wasn’t thinking straight.

We walked home with Terry Takeaway. Asbo ran in front of us. Sometimes he looked back to see if we were still coming. It was brutal.

Terry Takeaway: ‘Does your mum want a kettle? Brand new, eight quid. It’s got a filter and everything. They’re twenty in the shops.’

Me: ‘I don’t think so. She doesn’t agree with stealing things.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘Good for her. Six quid? What about you, Copper Top?’

Dean: ‘No thanks.’

Terry Takeaway: ‘Suit yourself. Here Asbo, this way!’

If Asbo helps to catch the killer they’ll give him a share of the reward. I bet he’ll spend it on a big bone and a lifetime supply of belly scratches!

People who don’t follow God are called non-believers. They’re lost in the dark and they can’t feel anything, they’re just empty inside like a robot with the wires taken out. When something good happens they don’t even feel it and they don’t even know when they do something bad. Asweh, it must be very boring. A vampire is like that. A vampire has no soul or blood, that’s why he’s sad all the time.

Pastor Taylor: ‘It’s fear that makes them do such things. They’re afraid of the truth of the eternal Promise of Christ. We must pity them and pray for them. We must forgive them their weakness. They’re in God’s hands now.’

Mr Frimpong: ‘If I see them again I’ll bang their heads together. Hooligans.’

It was very funny when Mr Frimpong said hooligans. He didn’t mean it to sound so funny but it did. I had to bite my lips.

Church was proper quiet. Mr Frimpong didn’t even sing. It didn’t feel right. He wasn’t even trying. That’s what happens when you get knocked down, you stop trying so hard. Mr Frimpong showed us his knee, there was a big hole in it and poison all inside. He was very proud of it, you could tell.

Mr Frimpong: ‘Have a look at that. That dressing’s got silver in it, it’s for the infection. Nobody tried to stop them, not one person. Why now?’

In England nobody helps you if you fall over. They can’t tell if you’re serious or if it’s just a trick. It’s too hard to know what’s real. I even missed Mr Frimpong singing. It felt too crazy when it wasn’t there. It’s like when Agnes says goodbye to me, I can still feel her voice in my ear for a long time after. It even tickles. It’s lovely.

Me: ‘Goodbye Agnes!’

Agnes:
‘Goobah!’

Sometimes I can still feel it when I go to sleep.

Mamma: ‘Harrison even had his coat stolen. Can you believe it? They don’t care about anything.’

Mr Frimpong: ‘I bet it was the same boys that got me. Hooligans.’

The window at church is fixed but you can still see where the bad words didn’t come off properly. They’re just hanging around like devil whispers waiting to trap you. I couldn’t concentrate on praying because I kept remembering them. The prayer sounded right when Pastor Taylor said it but it came out wrong inside my head.

Me: ‘Dear fucking God, please stop all the bad shit happening. Thanks a fucking lot. Amen.’

Asweh, lucky it was only in my head! My main superpower would be invisible. I get it from my alligator tooth. That’s why Mr Frimpong never saw me when he got knocked down. I was there but he never knew it. My alligator tooth gave me invisible power, it’s the only reason I can think of. I knew it was special, that’s why Papa gave it to me.

Prossie and hooker and tutufo all mean the same. In England, if a girl has a tattoo it means she’s a tutufo. Jordan’s mamma has a tattoo of a scorpion on her shoulder. She doesn’t even try to hide it, everyone can see it because she only wears a vest. It just feels too crazy. Somebody’s mamma shouldn’t have a tattoo, they should only be for men. Even a fierce one like a scorpion. If Mamma ever got a tattoo I’d just split. I’d go and live by the river. I’d only need a tent and a slingshot for catching squirrels.

You should see how far I can kick my new ball. Real skin footballs are much better than plastic. I can kick it right to the other end of the corridor and it doesn’t even fly away, it stays low to the ground like a rocket. That’s what Jordan calls it.

Jordan: ‘This one’s gonna be a rocket, man!’

Jordan blasted it at my legs. He did it proper hard to make it hurt. He loves it when he gets me. I try to jump out of the way but the ball always hits me, it’s like it’s magnetic or something. It’s very vexing.

Jordan: ‘Yes! Got you! Pussy! Quick, it’s Fag Ash Lil! Pass it!’

Fag Ash Lil was coming in the door. I passed the ball to Jordan.

Jordan: ‘Pretend you didn’t see her.’

Fag Ash Lil lives on floor 2. She’s called Fag Ash Lil because she picks up old fags from the ground. I’ve seen it with my own two eyes. She never smokes them, she just puts them in her pocket. She’s the oldest person I’ve ever seen, at least two hundred years. When she was little there were no cars and every day was a war. She always wears the same dress with no coat or socks, even when it’s raining, and her legs are very skinny like a bird. She can only say

Fag Ash Lil: ‘Bloody hell!’

Asweh, she’s proper hutious. She would kill me like that if she wanted. She’s killed loads of children before but the police can’t catch her because she’s got magic that keeps them away from the terrible truth. I pretended like I didn’t see her. I just kept my eyes on the ball. Fag Ash Lil pressed the button for the lift. I got ready to run.

Jordan blasted the ball at her. It hit her proper hard right on the legs. She wasn’t suspecting it. You could even hear her bones cracking.

Fag Ash Lil: ‘Bloody hell!’

Jordan: ‘Sorry! It was an accident!’

The lift came and Fag Ash Lil got in. Jordan kicked the ball at her again. It hit her right in the face and bounced back out.

Jordan: ‘Stupid old bastard!’

Fag Ash Lil was looking right at me before the doors closed, her eyes were all mad and blue. She thought it was me. It’s not even fair, I only wanted to play passing. It just gets vexing when they blast it all the time. Now Fag Ash Lil is my nemesis (it’s what Altaf calls the villian who always tries to destroy the superhero). I just hope my powers are stronger than hers.

Me: ‘What did you do that for, she go kill us now!’

Jordan: ‘Don’t be gay, if she comes after us I’ll just shank her, innit.’

Jordan showed me his knife. I didn’t even see where it came from. I never suspected it in a million years. It has a green handle the same as the knives from Mamma’s block. It’s like her tomatoes knife. It even looks too deadly for tomatoes.

Jordan: ‘This is my war knife. No one f—s with me, man. I’m telling you, when the war starts I’m gonna be ready for them.’

He was looking at the knife proper hard like it was his favourite thing. His eyes were all big. He showed me how to carry it so nobody can see. You just put it down your leg. You have to hold the handle or it will just fall through your trousers onto the floor. It works best if your trousers are elastic at the top. Otherwise you can just use your pocket.

Jordan: ‘It’s well sharp, look.’

He scratched the knife on the wall. He wrote cock with it like it was a pen, you could see the letters loud and clear.

Jordan: ‘You should get one, you need it. I’ll get one for you, my mum’s got loads.’

Me: ‘No thanks. I don’t really need one.’

Jordan: ‘Course you do, everyone needs one. Try and get one the same as mine, then we can be war brothers, innit. What’s the matter, don’t you wanna be brothers?’

He held the knife near my face. He twisted the blade around in the air like he was trying to open a lock with it. I felt like the lock. Everything went slow until he put the knife down again.

Jordan: ‘Rarse, you should’ve seen your face, man! You were shitting yourself!’

Me: ‘No I wasn’t! You’re not even funny!’

Everybody says there’s a war but I haven’t seen it yet. There’s a hell of wars going on all the time:

Wars

Kids vs Teachers

Northwell Manor High vs Leabridge High

Dell Farm Crew vs Lewsey Hill Crew

Emos vs Sunshine

Turkey vs Russia

Arsenal vs Chelsea

Black vs White

Police vs Kids

God vs Allah

Chicken Joe’s vs
KFC

Cats vs Dogs

Aliens vs Predators

I haven’t seen any of them. You’d know if there was a war because all the windows would be broken and the helicopters would have guns on them. The helicopters don’t even have guns, just torchlights. I don’t even think there’s a war. I haven’t seen it.

I don’t even know what side I’m on. Nobody’s told me yet. Vs just means against.

When Mamma was in the shower I got the tomato knife from the block. It was just a test. You had to be extra careful with the pointy end. I held it like an ironboy, I chooked the air like it was an enemy. I put it in my trousers. I walked around with it and pretended like there was a war. I pretended like God forgot me so I could do all the bad war things and not even have to feel it.

Me: ‘There’s a war! God has forgotten me! Papa has forgotten me! All the lights in the street are broken and the wolves are chasing us! It’s every man for himself! (I only said it inside my head.)

I had to put the knife back in the end, it was getting too hutious. It’s too sharp. I kept waiting to cut my own leg. You can’t keep a knife in your trousers all the time, you might forget it’s there and when you sit down it will go through your leg and come out the other side. If a war starts I’ll just split instead, it’s easier. I’m the best runner in the whole of Year 7, only Brett Shawcross can even catch me.

Ross Kelly is like that because somebody put acid in his milk when he was a baby. Everybody agrees. He always sticks his tongue out when he’s writing his answers, he says it helps him concentrate but it just makes him look dey touch. I tried writing with my tongue sticking out: it didn’t make me write any faster. It just made my tongue go proper frozen and dry.

If Ross Kelly calls Poppy Four Eyes again I’ll push him out the window. I only let him look through my binoculars because he begged like a dog.

Me: ‘It’s Poppy’s turn next!’

Ross Kelly: ‘She don’t need binoculars, she’s got four eyes already.’

Poppy: ‘Piss off!’

Me: ‘Yeah, piss off, Skidmark!’

I went to the cafeteria window and Poppy stayed by the library stairs. Then she watched me through the binoculars. When I got back she had to say what I was doing.

Poppy: ‘You were walking in slow motion. I could see you.’

Me: ‘That wasn’t slow motion, that was a robot.’

Poppy: ‘Whatever. They both look the same to me.’

Me: ‘I wasn’t blurry or anything though? I looked close-up?’

Poppy: ‘Yes.’

Me: ‘See, I told you they were real.’

Poppy: ‘I believe you, I believe you!’

I put my binoculars back in my bag for if they got broken. Nobody knows what they’re really for, just me and Dean. I can’t even tell Poppy about the case. I have to protect her for if the killer tries to hurt her to get to me. They’re always doing that: they kidnap the detective’s wife and cut her toes off one after another until the detective gives up. If Poppy asks, the binoculars are just for birds and distant games. It’s safer like that. Poppy is my girlfriend now. It was easy. I didn’t even have to ask her, I only had to tick the box.

So far I’ve collected five fingerprints. I’ve got Manik’s, Connor Green’s, Ross Kelly’s, Altaf’s, and Saleem Khan’s. I asked for Chevon Brown’s, Brett Shawcross’s and Charmaine de Freitas’s but they all told me to go f— myself.