Pigeon English (16 page)

It does sound like fuzzy-wuzzy. Only if you listen very carefully. It even works on Diadoras, not just nurse shoes.

Poppy loves my Diadoras. She thinks they’re bo-styles. That’s why we belong together, because we love the same things. We both love Diadoras and Michael Jackson and we both prefer the red grapes more than green. Having a girlfriend is easy. You just hold hands sometimes. That’s your only duty. The rest of the time you can just have fun like normal. At breaktime me and Poppy sit on the steps outside the Science block. Sometimes she gives me missions. Sometimes I do the moonwalking for her or sing a song or tell a joke. Poppy loves it when I do something for her. Sometimes I want to play suicide bomber but Poppy wants me to stay with her. I don’t even mind. I even want to stay.

At first I held Poppy’s hand with my fingers flat and all together. Poppy hated it.

Poppy: ‘That’s for babies! This is the proper way, look.’

The proper way is to mix all your fingers up with the fingers of the other person. That way is more sexy. Girls just like it better. It makes your hand go proper sweaty but it still feels lovely. Only some of the rules for girlfriends are different around here. You can’t chase them and make them fall over. It’s banned. You just hold their hand instead. It’s kinder like that.

Poppy let me try her glasses on. She only wears them for reading. They’re not like old people’s glasses, they’re nice and small. She’s still the most beautiful even when she’s wearing them.

Me: ‘I won’t break them.’

Poppy: ‘I know. They suit you. What do they look like?’

Me: ‘It’s quite crazy!’

When a normal person looks through glasses it makes the whole world go wobbly. Asweh, it’s brutal. I couldn’t see where I was going. I couldn’t tell what was near and what was far away. When I walked around in them I felt seasick. I nearly crashed into the wall. Glasses only work if your eyes are broken already. If your eyes aren’t broken they don’t work. It was very funny. It was like looking at underwater.

Poppy: ‘It only looks weird because you don’t need glasses. It looks normal when I wear them.’

Me: ‘I wish I needed glasses instead of you.’

Poppy: ‘Ahh, that’s sweet. Thank you.’

I wanted to tell her she was still the most beautiful. I wanted to tell her she was my yellow but there were too many people watching.

You can’t see the lines but you know they’re there. You just have to carry them in your head. The tunnel behind the shopping centre is one line. If you cross it you’ll be slipping. I don’t even go in that tunnel. It’s just too hutious. It’s always dark even when the sun’s out and the water in the puddles is proper shitty and toxic.

The road going past my school is the next line. Behind it is no-go. The nearest I’ve been is the bus stop next to the hill. I’ve never been further than that.

The next line is the road at the end of the river. McDonald’s is on the other side. I’ve never been there except with Mamma on the bus. If you go there on your own you’ll be slipping. That road belongs to the Lewsey Hill Crew.

The last line is the train tracks. They’re proper far away behind the river. I’ve never been that far. The train tracks is where they fight all the wars. It’s the war ground. One time the Dell Farm Crew and Lewsey Hill Crew had a mighty ruckus there. There were a thousand people. They all had knives and baseball bats and swords. Some of them died. It was in the early times before I came here.

Jordan: ‘They chopped off their arms and legs and everything. It was well sick. They’re still there. You can see the arms and legs hanging up from the trees. They left them there as a warning.’

I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t even know the way to the train tracks.

The lines make a square. Only if you stay in the square you’ll be safe. That’s your home. If you stay there they can’t kill you. The best thing about home is all the places to hide in. If somebody’s chasing you and you need to get away there’s always somewhere to go. There’s a hell of alleyways all next to each other. You just have to go down one of them and you’re safe. They’ll never catch you. You just have to steer right and keep running.

You can hide in the bushes on the green. They’re big enough to cover you. There was a dead man in the bushes for a whole year and nobody saw him. They only found him when a dog went in there to chase a stick and came out with a hand instead.

You can also hide in the bins. Nobody will look for you in there because of the smell. As long as you can hold your breath you can hide in there forever.

The church is home for everybody. If you go in there they can’t do anything, it’s a sacred law. You can run into the shops. If you’re a good climber you can climb on the garage or up a tree. They can still see you but they can’t get you. They’re too heavy to climb up there. They can only get you down with a rope. Home is safe for everybody. Just remember to lock the locks!

Dizzy saw me at the main gate. I wasn’t suspecting it and that made it even better. Hometime is the best for chases.

Dizzy: ‘Oi, pussy boy, I’m gonna kill you! You best run!’

I just started running. They never catch me, they’re just too slow. Sometimes I run straight home, like if the hunger idey kill me. But if I want to make the chase last longer I go twisty like a snake. I ran past the staff car park to the spiky fence. I didn’t go top speed. I wanted Dizzy to think he could catch me. I stopped at the sign:

I waited for Dizzy to catch up to me. I held the fence like I was a prisoner. That made him go red-eyes even more. It was very funny.

Dizzy: ‘Don’t play with me, man. I’m gonna f— you up for that!’

I let him get closer and then I started running again. I ran along the fence and through the gate and down the hill towards the tunnel. When I turned around Dizzy was still at the top of the hill breathing proper hard like a broken tro-tro. He had to give up. Another hundred points to Harrison Opoku! I told you my Diadoras were the fastest!

I only started running for real when X-Fire joined in. He was coming across the road just as I came out of the tunnel. When he saw me he went proper red-eyes and came straight for me.

X-Fire: ‘You’re dead, you little prick!’

My blood went high. I ran for the church. I tried to get in but the door was locked. I ran on past the Jubilee Centre and the big library. I stayed in a straight line to go faster. I could hear X-Fire’s feet smashing down behind me. I could feel his killing thoughts coming loose and filling the air like extra sharp rain.

X-Fire: ‘I’ll f—ing kill you!’

I got to the shops. The lady in the chair car was right in front of me, I nearly crashed into her. I only had one second to think. I did it before I even knew. I got up on the back of her chair car. I didn’t even have time to feel crazy.

Chair car lady: ‘What are you doing there? Get off!’

Me: ‘I can’t! Sorry!’

X-Fire was catching us. You wanted her to go faster but the engine was stuck. It was proper vexing. It even felt slower than walking. Everything stopped. You thought you’d just break down and die from the slowness.

Me: ‘Hurry up, lady! Put your foot down!’

Chair car lady: ‘Get out of it!’

Some smaller kids came running by the side of us. They thought it was a game. They showed me their dirty fingers when they went past.

Smaller kids: ‘Dickhead!’

Chair car lady: ‘Right! I’m not having this!’

The chair car lady hit the brakes and made me get off. I turned around quick for a peek behind me. X-Fire was stopped. Dizzy was caught up to him. Both the two of them were laughing like a maniac. Everybody was laughing.

Dizzy: ‘Nice wheels, pussy boy! Do you need a licence for one of them?’

X-Fire: ‘Oi, Ghana! Tell that pisshead next time I see his dog I’m gonna shank it!’

Then they just split to the shops and took all the evil away with them. I just felt proper vexed from the chase being over too quick. It was too easy. I waited for my breath to come back then I carried on running. I caught up to the chair car lady in no time. I waved to her on my way past.

Me: ‘Thank you for the ride! Sorry for the commotion!’

Chair car lady: ‘Piss off, you cheeky little bastard!’

In England they can never tell if it’s a trick or serious. I think they get tricked too much and it makes them forget what the serious feels like. When I’m old my chair car will be faster for getaways and the tyres will be bigger so it can get over the bumps.

Our base is the stairs outside my tower, the ones that go to floor 1. We’re safe there. Only the junkies use them and they’re too sleepy to even see us. Me and Dean were on a stake-out (it’s just another word for when you’re watching for the bad guys). We have to stay there until we see action, even if it takes all day and night. We had Cherry Coke and some Skips for if it took that long.

I was on binoculars duty and Dean was in charge of making the notes. He had to write down whatever I saw for evidence.

Dean: ‘I tried getting my mum’s phone but she needs it. The camera’s shit on it anyway, it’s only three megapixels. We’ll just have to do it the old-fashioned way.’

I even like the old-fashioned way best. Have you tried Skips? They’re dope-fine. They taste like prawn and the flavour actually goes fizzy on your tongue. It’s brutal.

Me: ‘Do I have to tell everything I see?’

Dean: ‘No, just anything that looks suspicious. People acting guilty or doing something strange.’

Me: ‘Does Jesus count?’

Dean: ‘No, he’s not a suspect. Killers don’t use roller-blades, it’s too conspicuous. They’d just be giving themselves away.’

Me: ‘That’s what I thought.’

Jesus was going past on his rollerblades. He never crashes. He’s very graceful. He’s only called Jesus because he has a beard and long hair except it’s grey. Everybody says he looks like how Jesus would look if he was still alive today. I still told it, we just didn’t write it down:

Me: ‘Jesus comes past the flats on his rollerblades. He nearly falls over a crack in the pavement but he saves himself just in time. He carries on going. A smaller kid shows him his dirty finger. Time?’

Dean: ‘Eight minutes past twelve.’

Me: ‘Copy that. No suspicious happenings. Detective Opoku goes back to looking.’

It feels brutal looking from our stake-out place. Nobody knows we’re watching them. Especially with the binoculars you can see things you don’t normally get to see. It’s very relaxing. I saw that Jesus has a tattoo of a snake on his arm. I never knew that before. It felt lovely. I saw a baby tricycle on the roof of the bus stop. That felt lovely too.

I could see the basketball court but there was nobody inside. It felt sad to be empty and broken like that. I don’t even know why.

The best time was when I saw the pigeon nest. They live on the windows of the Pikey House (it’s just a big old house where the orphans used to live but it got burned down before I came here). I could actually see them sleeping on the windowsills. My pigeon wasn’t there, but other pigeons kept coming and going. They were probably bringing dinner home for the wife and children.

Pigeon: ‘I’m home! Chop time!’

Baby pigeons: ‘Mmmm! Worms, my favourite!’

Dean: ‘Forget about the pigeons! Focus, we’ve got a job to do. Unless you wanna write the notes.’

Me: ‘OK, OK, I’m focusing!’

We were concentrating on the Chips n Tings van. It’s always parked across the road from my tower. Everybody who gets their chop from there is a suspect because their burgers are so rank. You’d have to be a criminal just to eat them.

Dean: ‘It’s a front for drugs, I’m telling you. They hide them in the wrapper or inside the bun. I asked for chips from there one time and the geezer wouldn’t even serve me. He said try McDonald’s instead.’

Me: ‘Did he have a gold tooth?’

Dean: ‘No, but he was smoking a fag. If you smoked a fag inside a real chip van the council’d shut you down. Health and safety, innit. It’s definitely dodgy.’

All the rogues hang around Chips n Tings at night, smoking and listening to music proper loud from inside their cars. You wouldn’t drive all the way to a chip van if the chop was rank. I wouldn’t even walk there even if the hunger idey kill me. I kept proper still so the binoculars wouldn’t shake. I stayed low so we didn’t give away our location. We were there donkey hours. My behind started to ache like crazy but I couldn’t be the first one to move. I even started to like the pain, it meant I was a real detective.