Pictures of Lily (31 page)

At one o’clock I walk down the five flights of stairs and attempt a cheery wave at Mel on reception. I’m hoping I’ll miss Nicola this time. I leave the building and turn the corner, looking around for Ben, but he’s not there. I stand and lean up against the wall and check the clock on my mobile phone.

‘Am I late?’ he calls, and I turn to see him walking briskly towards me.

‘No, you’re on time.’

He engulfs me in a quick embrace, then pulls away and looks down at me. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘You look sad.’

‘I’m okay.’ But I can barely turn up the corners of my lips.

‘Tell me.’ He’s still holding my arms as he searches my face.

‘It’s nothing,’ I lie, looking away.

‘No, it’s not,’ he insists, shaking me ever so slightly. ‘I
know
you.’

‘How can you say you know me when you’ve barely seen me?’ I step out of his grasp.

‘I just do.’

‘Maybe I’ve changed.’

‘You haven’t.’ He regards me so seriously that I can’t tear my eyes away. Suddenly they’re brimming with tears.

‘Hey,’ he says softly, putting his hand to my cheek.

I quickly take another step backwards. He drops his hand to his side.

‘Shall we walk?’

I nod my head in agreement and set off. He hurries after me.

‘Who needs sneakers when you can walk this fast in high heels, hey?’ he jokes.

I glance at him sideways. ‘Trainers,’ I say.

‘Trainers, sneakers . . . We can call them trainers if it makes you happy.’

I purse my lips to try to stop myself from smiling. ‘I’m back at
Marbles
magazine this week,’ I tell him.

‘Are you really? That’s excellent.’ He knows all about how I covered for Bronte before. ‘Is it just for a week?’

‘Yeah. Apparently the editorial assistant is on a shoot.’

‘A photo-shoot?’

‘Yes. In Bali.’

‘Cool. I didn’t know editorial assistants got to do things like that.’

‘Neither did I,’ I admit. ‘I think she’s started helping out on the picture desk a bit more. I suspect that’s where she’d like to work.’

‘Pretty good stepping stone, then.’

‘That’s what I was thinking.’

‘Would you like to work on the picture desk?’ he asks.

‘Yeah. Definitely more than what I’m doing now.’

‘But it’s still not photography, eh?’

I say nothing as my mood dips once more, then I tell him: ‘I haven’t used my camera at all.’

‘Why not?’ He’s taken aback.

‘I’m thinking it cost too much.’

He looks relieved. ‘Well, if that’s all it is, I can help you.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Let me help you buy it.’

‘No!’ I say loudly, coming to my senses.

‘Why not? Think of how many Christmases and birthdays I’ve missed out on over the years. I probably owe you a couple of grand by now,’ he jokes, but I’m not laughing.

‘No. Absolutely not.’

‘Alright. In that case, I’ll lend you the money and you can pay me back when you want to. Interest-free. How about that?’

‘No, Ben.’ I sigh.

‘You can’t return it,’ he says adamantly. ‘Have you looked into any courses?’

I shake my head because I can’t bear to say it out loud.

‘You’ve got plenty of time,’ he says reassuringly. ‘Stop doubting yourself. If you’re worried you’ve left it too late now, think of how pissed off you’ll be in five years’ time when you’re still regretting never doing anything about it.’

I sigh again. ‘I know you’re right. But enough about me. What have you been up to?’

‘Well . . .’ He hesitates outside a café. ‘Do you want to go in here?’

‘Sure. But Ben, what is it?’

‘Come inside and I’ll tell you.’

A feeling of dread starts to fill me up. I can’t move.

‘Lily?’

‘No. I think you’d better tell me here.’

Concern washes over his face. ‘It’s okay,’ he says. ‘It’s nothing bad.’

‘Tell me.’

‘It’s just that I’ve been offered my old job back in Adelaide.’

The ground has opened up beneath me and I’m falling into darkness. Please God, not again . . .

‘It’s okay,’ he repeats, putting his hands on my arms. ‘I don’t have to take it.’

Light returns. Light filling me up.

‘I won’t leave you.’ He wraps his arms around me and I press my face into his chest, trying to breathe. ‘If you’re happy here, if things are working out for you and your career, then I won’t go.’

He would do that for me?

‘Do you want to go?’ I mumble. I pull my face away from his chest so he can hear me. ‘Do you
want
to go?’

‘Well, you know I love Adelaide.’ He glances down at me and shrugs. ‘But it’s okay. It’ll still be there in a few years’ time. Who knows what you’ll be doing then.’

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

‘You might be a professional photographer,’ he continues, smiling. ‘A laidback Adelaide lifestyle might be right up your street.’

I can’t do this. I can’t go on like this. He’s looking at me, waiting for me to say something.

‘Or I might be married.’ My voice is barely audible.

He chuckles, misunderstanding me. ‘Oh yeah? To whom?’

‘No one you know,’ I say very, very quietly.

The smile leaves his face and he regards me gravely. ‘Lily?’ He’s uncomprehending. ‘What’s going on?’

‘I have a boyfriend,’ I whisper. ‘He’s asked me to marry him.’

Ben drops my arms and steps away from me, his eyes never leaving my face.

‘No.’

I nod. ‘It’s true.’

‘You’re engaged? No.’ He rubs his head, disbelieving.

‘He asked me a couple of months ago. Before I found you again.’

‘And you never
told
me!’ he exclaims, hurt written all over his face.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘You’re not joking, are you? This isn’t some sort of sick revenge you’re getting on me for what I did years ago?’

He’s still looking bemused, trying to work out what’s happening, but I can see that he’s slowly beginning to believe me.

‘Ben, I’m so, so sorry. I wanted to tell y—’

‘Then why didn’t you?’ he interrupts. ‘How could you keep something like this quiet?’

‘I was so confused when you came back into my life. I had no idea what was going to happen.’

‘And now you’re telling me this so I don’t put my life on hold for you? So I go back to Adelaide?’

‘No, that’s not it at all. I don’t want you to leave.’

‘But if I do, then that makes your decision pretty damn tidy, doesn’t it.’

‘
Please
. I can’t bear the thought of losing you again.’

‘What about your boyfriend?’

‘Richard.’

‘I don’t want to know his name!’ he practically shouts, and I understand how he feels because I felt the same when I heard ‘Charlotte’ mentioned the first time – and every time since, if we’re being truthful. ‘What about him? Does he know about me?’

I feel ashamed. ‘I haven’t told him anything.’

‘Were you planning on telling him?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve been so confused!’ I cry. The sight of tears rolling down my cheeks seems to calm him. He takes my hand and leads me off the footpath into a quiet side street.

‘It seems pretty clear-cut to me,’ he says. ‘You can never say anything to your . . .’ He pauses, unable to even say the word ‘boyfriend’, let alone
fiancé
. ‘And I’ll go to Adelaide and you can get on with your life.’

‘I don’t want that.’ I shake my head adamantly.

‘Then it gets complicated.’

‘I know.’

‘Lily, I can’t make this decision for you. It has to be yours.’

A bizarre thought suddenly strikes me. We haven’t even kissed! He hasn’t told me he loves me! Yet here we are, acting like I actually have a choice to make between two men. Isn’t this conversation a little premature?

We meet each other’s eyes. Mine are brimming with tears; his are filled with sadness.

‘You’ve never even told me how you feel about me,’ I say quietly.

‘I thought it was obvious.’

‘It’s not.’

He looks even more pained. ‘You know I think you’re special.’

‘My
dad
thinks I’m special. That doesn’t count.’

‘What do you want me to say?’

‘I want you to say it out loud.’

‘You want me to bare my soul to you.’

‘Yes.’

‘It’s very difficult when I’ve just found out you’re engaged to someone else.’

‘I understand.’ How could he love me when I’ve deceived him like this?

‘I don’t think you do,’ he says. ‘It was hard enough losing you last time. At least I didn’t put my heart on the line, only to have it crushed to smithereens.’

‘Unlike me. I told you how I felt.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he says softly. ‘I hated walking away from you.’

‘But you did. You didn’t have to – and what you said to me back then was wrong. I wasn’t okay, I wasn’t
fine
, after you left. I was broken and no one has been able to fix me.’

‘What else could I have done? You were sixteen, for Christ’s sake!’

‘You could have waited for me. I would have been eighteen in two years and then I could have done what I wanted.’

‘That would have meant making
you
wait for
me
! I couldn’t do that to you! I couldn’t expect you to put your life on hold. For all I knew it was a teenage crush.’

‘It wasn’t a teenage crush.’

He steps towards me. ‘I know.’

I stay where I am, rooted to the spot. He cups my face with his hands and I feel like I’m drowning in his ocean-coloured eyes.

‘I love you,’ he says. ‘More now than ever. I’ve been talking to you inside my head for the last ten years.’

Me too
. . .

‘And the thought of losing you again kills me,’ he continues. ‘But you’re right. I am the one who left. I hurt you back then and you have every reason to want to hurt me now.’

‘I’m not doing tha—’

‘Shhh. It’s okay. I deserve it.’ His hands drop from my face. ‘But I’ve got to back off now. That’s all I’m going to say. You have a decision to make and I can’t interfere with that. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining your life if this guy Richard is the right man for you.’ He checks his watch. ‘You’d better get back to work.’

‘I can’t go back to work now!’ I wail.

‘Yes, you can. You have to. You can’t mess up this opportunity.’

I pull out another tissue and wipe away my tears.

‘I’ll walk you back,’ he says.

‘I’d rather you didn’t.’

He nods, not looking at me.

‘I need time to compose myself,’ I sniffle.

‘Okay,’ he says.

‘I’ll call you.’

‘I’ll be waiting.’ His eyes meet mine for a moment and the pain is intense. He nods brusquely. ‘See you soon.’ And then he walks away.

I stay down that narrow street for five minutes, trying to get myself together before I turn and walk hurriedly back to the office. My mind is racing, but all I want to do is find a quiet place to cry. Cry so hard that I’ll have nothing left in me. Unfortunately though, I know there’s no chance of using up my supply. I have many, many more tears to come.

I arrive back at the office fifteen minutes early and walk through reception, planning on keeping my head down. But the moment my eyes flick to Mel and Nicola behind the desk, they know that something is wrong.

‘What’s up?’ Nicola mouths with concern. I glance at Cara to their right, and find my feet walking in their direction instead of towards the lifts. They both get up and hurry with me to the toilets behind the reception desk, Mel telling Cara to hold the fort because they’ll be back in a minute. As soon as the door closes, I’m in floods of tears again.

‘What’s wrong?’ Nicola asks out loud this time.

Mel puts her hand on my arm. ‘Is it Richard?’ she asks.

‘No, no,’ I manage to say, before qualifying that. ‘Well, sort of.’ I cover my face with my hands and sob so hard my body shakes. Nicola puts her arms around me and I vaguely hope I’m not snot-ting on her designer shirt as I cry into her shoulder. Mel rubs my arm comfortingly and eventually my sobs subside.

‘Do you want to talk about it?’ Mel asks.

I waver. Yes, in all honesty, I do. I really, really do.

‘Is it someone else?’ Nicola prompts.

I meet her eyes and she knows instantly that it is.

‘Ben?’ she checks.