Pictures of Lily (30 page)

‘Phwoar. Sexy
and
good with animals,’ Nicola says dreamily.

Out of the blue I see an image in my head of Nicola kissing Ben.

‘What?’ Nicola says.

‘Sorry?’ I ask.

‘You looked like you were in pain.’

‘No, no, it’s nothing.’ I brush her off.

I see Nicola throw Mel a look. ‘Better crack on,’ Mel says, and Nicola turns away as they both get on with their work.

I look down at the camera in my hands and feel dizzy. I try to take a couple of deep breaths, but the thought of Nicola with Ben is too much. The thought of
anyone
with Ben is too much. He’s single now. I can’t let him fall for anyone else, I can’t!

Seeing more of him has not made it easier. There’s no clear-cut decision. But I’m going to have to make a decision soon. I can’t keep going on like this. It’s wrong. Very, very wrong.

It strikes me that I’ve been carrying this weight on my shoulders for over ten years and I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it. Not a single person. My friends in Adelaide wouldn’t understand why I didn’t tell them years ago, and they certainly wouldn’t comprehend the gravity of it or the depth of my feelings for Ben because I always kept quiet. My closest friends here, Lucy and Molly . . . well, they’d be horrified at my betrayal of Richard.
Could
I confide in Nicola and Mel? I glance across at them, both diligently typing away on their keyboards.

I don’t know them that well, and that could be a good thing. And they’ve only met Richard a couple of times so their loyalty would most certainly be with me.

Maybe it’s time to talk to someone about this . . .

At that moment, the doors open and Jonathan Laurence strolls up to the receptionist desk. To my right, Mel flicks back her hair. Horny banker or no horny banker, she’s still got the hots for him.

‘Lily,’ he says. ‘Could I have a word with you?’

‘Of course. Shall I come upstairs?’

‘No, no, here is fine. Bronte has been given the opportunity to go abroad on a shoot next week and before she organises cover through the temping agency, I wanted to mention it to you. And your colleagues, of course.’ He smiles at Mel and Nicola. ‘Would you be interested – if Melissa and Nicola here are happy to arrange a temp for reception, of course?’

I glance at them and they both nod encouragingly. ‘Thanks – I’d love to,’ I beam.

‘Great. I’ll have Bronte email you the details this afternoon.’

‘Thank you.’

‘No problem.’

‘That’s so cool,’ Mel gushes when he’s out of earshot.

‘Brilliant,’ Nicola agrees.

‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ I check, but they both wave me away.

‘Of course not,’ Nicola says. ‘You’ve got to do what you can.’

‘Maybe you can get Cara back in,’ I suggest.

‘Maybe,’ Mel says. ‘Cara and her hooting laugh.’

‘And her takeaway coffees.’ Nicola stares off into the distance, wistfully.

‘Is that a hint?’ I ask.

‘No, no, no,’ she replies with a grin. ‘But if you’re passing Starbucks, make mine a skinny latte.’

The day goes by slowly because I’m desperate to get home and play with my new toy. I read the manual on the ferry journey to Manly, but I’m too nervous to actually take a shot in case I drop the damn thing.

Richard is already home when I get there. I’m disappointed because I’d like to practise in peace. It’s an awful thought to have because we haven’t spent any quality time together since he got back from his surfing trip. I don’t know why. Or maybe I do. Maybe it’s because I’m trying to prepare myself for the absence of him in my life. I push open the door and see him lying on the sofa watching television, and sadness washes over me. It’s such a comforting sight. It’s what I’m used to.

‘Hey,’ he says, reaching out for me.

I drop my bags and go around to him, suddenly wanting to be in his arms. I squeeze myself onto the sofa and lay my head on his chest. A split second later I’m fighting back tears. I shut my eyes tightly and force back the sensation.

‘This is nice,’ he murmurs into my hair. ‘I feel like I haven’t seen you properly for ages.’

‘I know what you mean,’ I reply. ‘My family will be gone soon and you’ll have me all to yourself again.’

He chuckles and pulls me up to face him. ‘No disrespect to any of them, but that will be nice.’ He leans forward to peck me on the lips. ‘When are they back from the mountains?’

‘Tomorrow.’

‘Any plans yet for tomorrow night?’

‘Probably dinner with them after work if you fancy traipsing into the city. But we’ll need to see them Friday because it’s their last night, so you could wait until then if you prefer.’

‘I might do that.’ I rest my head back down on his chest. He lightly runs his fingers over my back. ‘What do you want to eat tonight?’

‘I think there’s some of that curry I made a few weeks ago in the freezer.’

‘That’d be good.’ He detaches himself from me and gets up from the sofa. I follow him into the open-plan kitchen area and get on with the process of defrosting our dinner in the microwave before hoisting myself up onto the countertop. Richard puts on the rice and comes over to me, standing between my legs and planting a kiss on my lips. ‘What do you want to drink?’

‘Cider?’

‘Sure.’ He gets to it, pouring cider into two glasses filled with ice and handing one over. My dad told me loads of people drink cider on ice in England now. And to think I thought it would never happen . . .

‘Cheers,’ I say, chinking his glass. ‘Hey, the Editor of
Marbles
magazine asked me to cover for his editorial assistant next week.’

‘That’s cool,’ he says, looking impressed. ‘I keep meaning to ask if you get paid extra for it?’

‘No, it’s the same day rate. But speaking of money . . .’ I jump down from the counter. ‘I bought something today.’

‘Did you? What?’

I retrieve the plastic bag from the hall. ‘This.’ I smile sheepishly as I pull out the camera box.

‘A camera?’ He’s taken aback. ‘How much did it cost?’

My smile flatlines. ‘I put it on my credit card.’

He reaches into the bag and pulls out a receipt. ‘Jesus, Lily!’ he exclaims.

‘What?’ I’m starting to feel a little sick.

‘Can we afford this?’ he demands.

‘It’s not what
we
can afford, it’s what
I
can afford.’ I’m annoyed now.

‘Oh, like that, is it? I thought we were supposed to be saving for a wedding.’ He looks hurt and it immediately pacifies me.

‘I put it on my credit card, like I said.’ I actually was planning on telling him Ben came with me to buy it, but now I’m thinking that’s not such a good idea.

‘But you still have to pay it back. Don’t you already have a camera?’

Now I’m annoyed again. ‘Yes, but it’s
really
old. It’s hopeless. I need something up-to-date if I’m going to be serious about this.’

‘And
are
you going to be serious?’ He looks confused.

‘Yes,’ I reply, calmly but firmly. ‘I want to do a course in photography.’

He stares down at the floor. Then he briskly shakes his head and goes to stir the rice.

‘What? Aren’t you going to say anything?’

‘What is there to say? You’ve obviously made up your mind.’

‘It’s what I want to do.’

‘Aren’t you a bit old to have a sudden career change?’ he snaps.

‘I’m only twenty-six,’ I counter, but inside, my usual doubts are beginning to swirl around. I try to quash them. ‘Why are you being such an arse about this?’

‘I’m not being an arse. I just. Don’t. Get. It.’

‘Then you don’t get me.’ I didn’t mean to say that out loud. But it’s there now, between us.

‘Fine, if that’s how you feel.’ He stalks out of the kitchen. I stare in dismay as he puts on his coat in the hall.

‘Where are you going? What about dinner?’

‘I’m not hungry,’ he replies bluntly, opening the door, walking out and shutting it behind him.

I sit there in stunned silence. The microwave starts to beep and I slide off the counter and open the door, turning off the gas cooking the rice on the stove. I’m not hungry now either.

My anger turns to sadness and then to regret. I sit on the sofa and wait for him, unable to bring myself to look at my new camera. My excitement is long gone. Eventually I start to see it from Richard’s point of view. He thinks I’m changing, and he must believe it’s to do with him. He’s right, to an extent. I started to change when he proposed to me. But it’s not his fault. It’s mine. It’s all because of Ben.

I hear his keys turn in the lock after fifteen minutes and he appears, looking downcast.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says, coming through to me without removing his coat.

‘I’m sorry too,’ I say. ‘I should have asked you before buying it.’

‘You don’t have to ask me, of course you don’t,’ he says. ‘I just wish you’d talked to me about it.’

‘I know I should have. I’m sorry.’

He pulls me to him and we hug each other tightly.

‘Are you still hungry?’ I ask over his shoulder.

He glances through to the kitchen. ‘Is the rice ruined?’

‘Probably.’

‘I could put some more on?’

I smile through the tears welling up in my eyes. ‘Yeah. Let’s do that.’

My camera stays on the floor where I left it. I don’t have the will or inclination to play with it now.

My family – minus Mum, of course – leave on Saturday afternoon. Richard and I see them off at the airport before heading to Nathan and Lucy’s for a drink before dinner. I’m glad of the distraction because I always feel morose when Dad and the girls fly home.

‘I’m so sad you’re leaving,’ I moan to Lucy. We’re sitting on the decked terrace in the back garden. The boys are inside talking shop.

‘Aah,’ Lucy says. ‘We’ll be back before you know it.’

‘Will this renovation really only take six months?’

‘Hopefully,’ she replies. ‘We’ll have to get cracking on it straight away. I can’t wait. Obviously I’ll miss you lot,’ she adds. ‘But it’ll be good to spend some time with my mum.’

I take a sip of my rosé and dig into the salted macadamia nuts. ‘Do you have many other friends over in the UK?’ I haven’t really spoken to Lucy much about her life on the other side of the world. I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I left it all behind.

‘I have a few,’ she says. ‘They live in London mostly, but I’m hoping they’ll come down occasionally to Somerset where we’ll be staying with my mum, and Nathan and I will get up to see them, too.’

‘Do you miss them?’

‘Of course. But you can’t have everything, can you? I chose Nathan, and everything else has a knock-on effect. We’re lucky that we can spend time in two countries.’

I vaguely remember knowing that Lucy had a boyfriend when she met Nathan. Now I’m curious about him. ‘Do you ever hear from your boyfriend before Nathan?’

‘James? No, not any more. He harassed me for a while after we broke up, but he had to call it quits after I found out more about the lies he’d been telling me.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Screwing around with women, taking drugs . . . Loads of things, but they were the ones that bothered me the most. That, and the fact that so many people knew the truth about him, yet I’d been with him for years and was completely clueless. I felt so stupid. And the worst thing was, I didn’t find out everything at once. I used to hear dribs and drabs from people at his work and my work, since a friend of mine was going out with a colleague of his, and it was horrible – horrible! – not being able to get over him once and for all because some new shitty thing would always come along and make me feel like crap again. I know that no one likes to be the bearer of bad news, but I wish everyone had sat me down and told me everything they knew in one go.’ Her hazel eyes are sparking as she remembers.

‘That sucks,’ I murmur, knowing my words can never fully sum up the extent of her ex-boyfriend’s betrayal.

‘It all worked out for the best in the end.’

I smile. ‘It did. You and Nathan are perfect for each other.’

She laughs. ‘I wish someone could have told me that two years ago. On paper it looked like we were anything but!’

I stare at her, bemused.

‘James and I seemed like a match made in heaven, whereas Nathan’s two years younger than me, and when I met him he was a bit of a surf bum,’ she explains.

She glances inside and I follow her gaze to see Nathan and Richard huddled over some architectural plans around the coffee table.

We turn back and laugh at each other. ‘Not any more.’

‘I expect they’re looking at the plans for Somerset,’ Lucy muses, tucking her long chestnut hair behind her ears.

‘Do you like working with Nathan?’

‘I love it. Considering I thought my job in PR was the best job in the world, I should miss it more. Maybe if I didn’t get to do the odd freelance job I’d find it harder.’

Lucy’s old boss in London still gives her the occasional gig when she’s over there and she also put her in touch with some PR friends of hers in Sydney.

She continues, ‘The property developing and project management are what keep me really busy, though. You know Nathan’s parents ran a property development business together before they died?’

‘I don’t think I did know that.’

She smiles. ‘Well, they did. And I know Nathan loves that we’re doing the same thing.’ She glances inside again. ‘It’s Saturday night, boys,’ she calls.

‘Just finishing up,’ comes Nathan’s reply.

Moments later they join us on the terrace. Richard squeezes my shoulder. ‘Are you girls hungry?’

‘Starving,’ Lucy says. ‘Shall we walk into town and see what we fancy?’

After a dinner spent laughing our heads off at Nathan and Lucy’s crap jokes and getting increasingly tipsy, we zigzag our way to a bar on the waterfront. We manage to snag a table outside on the deck under large white umbrellas, and Richard and Nathan go inside to fetch the drinks. Lucy’s eyes narrow as she studies a group of girls sitting at the next table.

‘Do you know them?’ I ask.

‘I think I recognise that blonde one there, but I can’t think where to place her.’

I take a surreptitious look over my shoulder to see a pretty girl with mid-length, tousled hair laughing at something one of her friends has said. Then she glances towards the inside entrance and her smile vanishes.

‘Rich?
Rich
?’ She recovers from her shocked expression.

I whip my head around to see Richard emerging from inside with two drinks. Nathan follows right behind him.

‘Ally?’ Richard asks, his brow furrowing.

Shit.

‘It
is
you!’ Ally beams and gets to her feet, rushing over to my distinctly uncomfortable-looking boyfriend.

‘Hi!’ he exclaims, throwing me an awkward smile before turning his attention back to Ally. He lifts up the drinks in his hands to indicate he can’t give her a hug.

‘I knew I recognised her,’ Lucy murmurs.

‘Hey, Ally!’ Nathan appears from behind Richard. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I’ve just rented a flat up the road.’

‘You live in Manly?’

‘Yeah!’

This is getting better and better.

‘When did you get back from the UK?’ Nathan asks.

‘A couple of weeks ago. Settling in again, you know.’

‘Hey, come and meet Lily,’ Richard interrupts, indicating me with his beer glass.

Ally turns to look my way and somehow manages to keep a smile on her face. I try to show her the same courtesy.

‘Cool.’ She follows Richard.

‘Lily, this is Ally.’ I can tell Richard is trying to act normal, but it’s obvious to me he finds this situation pretty excruciating.

‘Hello.’ I smile up at her.

‘Hi.’ She reaches down to shake my hand. ‘So you guys are engaged?’

I nod.

‘Wow, that’s great! Congratulations.’

‘Thanks.’ My smile is starting to feel genuine.

‘Hello, Ally.’ Lucy gets up and gives her a hug.

‘Lucy!’

‘Look at you!’ Lucy cries. ‘Your hair’s grown.’

‘Aah, I could never afford to get it cut.’ She laughs.

She’s so warm and friendly that it’s hard to feel jealous. ‘Take a seat,’ I urge, sliding up the bench. She glances over her shoulder at her friends.

‘Sure, okay, I’ll just grab my drink.’

Richard sits down next to me. ‘Are you okay?’ he asks in my ear.

‘I’m fine,’ I reply. ‘She seems nice.’

Ally returns and takes a seat next to me.

‘So you guys all knew each other in the UK?’ I ask.

‘Ally, Richard and Nathan shared a house in Archway,’ Lucy explains.

‘That place was a tip,’ Nathan jokes.

‘You can talk,’ Ally responds. ‘Your washing-up sat in the sink for days on end.’

‘What did you do over there?’ I ask her.

‘Nursing.’ She smiles at me. ‘What about you?’

‘I work for a publishing company,’ I reply.

‘That’s so cool!’ she exclaims.

‘You’re back at
Marbles
on Monday, aren’t you?’ Lucy chips in.

I nod.

‘
Marbles
?’ Ally repeats. ‘As in that trendy, glossy guys’ mag?’

‘That’s the one,’ Richard interjects.

‘Wow – that’s such an awesome job!’

‘Aah, I’m only the secretary,’ I say.

‘Editorial assistant,’ Richard corrects, smiling across me at Ally. ‘She’s too modest.’

‘Sounds ultra-glam to me,’ she says. ‘What about you guys?’ She looks at Nathan, Richard and Lucy. ‘What are you up to these days?’

She stays and chats for another ten minutes before getting back to her friends. Richard puts his arm around me and kisses my temple.

‘You okay?’ he asks again.

‘Yes.’ I smile. Bizarrely, I am. I don’t feel jealous or insecure. If Richard weren’t the man he is, I’m sure I would feel both. Love fills me up and I kiss his cheek.

‘Thank you for being so nice to her,’ Richard says sincerely.

‘It wasn’t hard.’

He rubs my arm and gives me a squeeze. ‘Shall we go home?’

I nod, happily.

That night, lying in the crook of my boyfriend’s arm, I realise that I barely thought about Ben all evening. I almost felt as I did several weeks ago, when I didn’t have this additional complication in my life. Maybe this is the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I
can
handle a future without Ben. But when I try to imagine it properly the pain is so intense I feel as if it could cripple me.