Phoenix (34 page)

“You sounded odd on the phone last night,” Natalie said, as Caroline settled into her usual chair. “What’s wrong?”

Caroline hadn’t slept at all. Not terribly unusual, but the night had been rougher than most. “I don’t know where to start.”

“We weren’t due for another session for a couple of days. Something is upsetting you. Is it what happened yesterday?”

Simple questions. Natalie, Jack, her friends…they all asked such simple questions knowing there were no easy answers. “Kind of.”

“I’m sorry,” Natalie said. “Maybe I should have come over.”

“No, you were on a date. You can’t totally disrupt your life for me.”

“It wasn’t that great. Mark was in a shitty mood. I didn’t sleep much myself.” Natalie rubbed her forehead. “But you don’t need to hear about that.”

Caroline tried not to laugh. Maybe she could let Natalie tell her about her love life another time. “I bet your relationship problems are easier to solve than mine.”

“Probably.” Natalie rummaged around for a pen. That hadn’t taken long. “I shouldn’t have forced Jack to talk about that stuff. I thought it would help. Further proof that I’m not the world’s most highly skilled therapist.”

If the three of them got any more insecure, the earth would open up and swallow them whole. Natalie was making her mistake out to be more than it was. “It’s not that,” Caroline said. “Although I wish he would have told me earlier. It’s something else. Something happened.”

“Between you and Jack?”

“Yeah.”

Natalie didn’t look surprised at her answer. “Tell me about it.”

“He came over to see me after our session. I guess he stuck around to talk to you?”

“He did. He was extremely upset at how things ended.”

“I know,” Caroline said quietly. “I could tell.”

“What happened after he came over?”

“We started talking.”

“Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?”

Caroline used to have standard answers for intrusive or complicated questions. And now she had no idea how to respond. “Everything keeps getting so complicated. Half of the time I don’t know what I’m saying or doing or why I’m saying or doing it, and the other half of the time I’m wishing I’d said or done it differently. Does that make sense?”

Natalie smiled wryly. “No, but go on.”

“I don’t know if any of this is making a difference.”

“You don’t feel different?”

“I don’t know.”

“Caroline, you’re sitting here expressing your feelings with very little prompting. Can’t you see how that might be different from when we first started talking?”

It didn’t seem like progress. Every day was a struggle and she was swimming in syrup and sinking deeper every minute. Was she expecting too much? “I guess.”

“You did it yesterday with Jack. Don’t you think it’s getting easier to talk to him too?”

Caroline didn’t remember anything but her uncooperative behavior during the previous day’s discussion. Nothing had really happened until Jack had come to her apartment. “I don’t – I’m not sure that I like that it’s getting easier.”

“It’s okay to feel close to him. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s okay to let people in.”

Permission from her therapist to pretend to be a real person. How nice. Caroline crossed her arms over her chest and didn’t say anything.

“What’s really bothering you?” Natalie asked. “What happened yesterday?”

What
hadn’t
happened yesterday? “I was thinking about stupid things during our session. Really stupid, shallow things.”

“Like what?”

“Jewelry.”

Natalie stifled a laugh. “Okay. Objectively that sounds shallow but keep going.”

Caroline wasn’t sure if she wanted to think about it again. Not when it hurt so much. “Jack gave me this necklace on our first date. It was completely extravagant but it was so beautiful. It was all I could think about while he was talking. I don’t know why I was so hung up on it.”

“Did you have what you consider an unhealthy attachment to material items?”

“Yes. But one might argue I’ve formed unhealthy attachments to people, too.”

“I wouldn’t go that far. I doubt you had hangups over material items, either. What happened after the session?”

“Jack and I were sitting on the couch talking. I could tell – he looked so sad, Natalie. He looks sad all the time and I know it’s my fault. I felt so guilty for dwelling on this fucking necklace. I mean, everything that’s happened to me and I’m focused on this stupid damn diamond solitaire that I don’t have anymore. I’m disgusted with myself.”

“Don’t be.”

“He could tell I was upset. And he wanted to hug me. So I let him. And I-” She shut her eyes. If only Natalie knew. Caroline had fucked up that interaction in so many ways.

“What happened, Caroline? What did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything. I leaned in, even though it wasn’t fair.” She opened her eyes. “It isn’t fair for me to let him think there’s a chance for us, is there?”

“That depends on whether you’ve foreclosed it as an option.”

She could almost catch a whiff of his familiar scent hanging in the air in Natalie’s office. “He smelled so good,” Caroline whispered. “And it felt so good to be in his arms. I felt safe. I can’t-” She pressed her knuckles to her lips.

“It’s okay, Caroline.”

All she did when she talked to her doctor was fall apart. Couldn’t keep her voice steady, couldn’t hold her emotions together, couldn’t think straight for more than a few seconds at a time. It was fucking embarrassing. “It’s really hard to talk about this.”

Natalie gave her a reassuring smile. “I know. Keep going. You’re doing great.”

“He was wearing cologne and it triggered something. A memory, I don’t know. Like what happened last time. I took a nap and had this really graphic sex dream and after I woke up it was obvious he’d heard me talking in my sleep and he knew what I was dreaming about and he tried to-”

Forget his cologne. She could feel his hands. His lips. Hear his voice. Sense his presence, comforting as it had been. Before she’d blown everything up.

“What did he try?” Natalie asked.

“He wanted to – to touch me. To sleep with me. But I couldn’t – I’m not ready for that,” she stammered. “I can’t – I don’t-”

“Calm down, Caroline. It’s okay.”

“I yelled at him and kicked him out. I don’t know why.”

“You know why. Stop lying to yourself.”

She squeezed her eyes shut again. “Why is he doing this to me?”

“He’s not doing anything, not purposefully,” Natalie said. “He’s responding to you. He’s trying to help.”

That was all he’d ever wanted to do and she didn’t have the strength to accept it. Caroline put her face in her hands. “I can’t handle this. It’s too much.”

“He wants to help you process it. Everything. Not just your issues with him.”

Caroline couldn’t burden Jack with the little things. How could she possibly saddle him with
everything
? “He doesn’t know what they did to me in there.”

“Why haven’t you told him?”

Because I’m scared. Because I’ve done enough to him already.
“I can’t – that’s too much for him. He can’t deal with that. He has enough guilt as it is.”

“So you’re going to heighten your own suffering by not allowing him to help you? You haven’t told me hardly anything. You need to tell someone. Tell him.”

“You make it sound easy and it’s not.”

Natalie took the seat next to her. “I know it’s not. But you’ve got to take some chances with him. He’s not going to reject you. You know that he’ll accept you despite any misgivings you may have.”

Caroline thought back to the day before, remembering how Jack had held her, the warmth in his voice, the sincerity in his eyes. The tears started to fall. “I hate him,” she whispered.

“No, you don’t.”

“I do.”

“Why?”

She put her elbows on her knees, massaging her forehead with the palms of her hands. She couldn’t talk about this. Not with Natalie, not with the guys, and definitely not with Jack. Who did she have? No one.

Natalie put her hand on Caroline’s shoulder. “Why do you hate him?” she asked quietly.

“I can’t-”

“You can tell me. It stays in this room. I promise.”

She couldn’t say it even if Natalie would understand. Her doctor probably knew anyway if she’d been paying attention. Which made the secret that much more dangerous…one more person who knew more than she felt comfortable revealing. Caroline rubbed her scalp, trying to get herself back under control, sniffling as a tear rolled off her nose and onto the floor. She lifted her head up and looked Natalie in the eyes.

“I hate him for making me love him,” she said, and started to sob.

Natalie squeezed her shoulder. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not.” Caroline put her head back in her hands. “I miss him.”

“I know you do. That’s why I hate to see the two of you torturing yourselves like this.”

Natalie’s palm was warm on her back, her voice soothing. How did she do that…be as comforting as she was competent? Capable people were worrisome because they knew when they were surrounded by people who didn’t know what they were doing. Natalie had to know the truth – that her patient was entirely useless. A lost emotional and intellectual cause. Caroline took a deep breath and pulled her head up, wiping her face. “I can’t be close to him, Natalie. I can’t let him in. It hurts too much.”

“Do you think it hurts as much as being without him?”

She’d lost track of the many variable ways she could feel pain. “I’d rather be alone than hurt him again. And that’s what I’d end up doing.”

“What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know how to be myself anymore. I can’t forget everything that’s happened.”

“He doesn’t expect you to. He just wants to talk about it.”

No he didn’t. He wanted more than talk. He’d tear himself apart trying to help her with more than words, especially if she couldn’t respond in kind. “I can’t. He loves who I used to be. He can’t love what I am now.”

“Is that what you think? That he’s pretending?”

“No. But once he gets closer, he’ll figure it out.”

Natalie stared at her. “Caroline, do you like yourself?”

Why did the hardest questions come with the shortest answers? “No,” she whispered.

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t.”

Natalie scooted back in her chair. That wasn’t a particularly good sign. “What an incredibly shitty response. Think harder.”

“Would
you
like me?” Caroline asked.

“I
do
like you,” Natalie said. “And Jack loves you. He doesn’t care about the things you’re getting so hung up on.”

“He doesn’t know what he needs to be hung up on yet.” She shook her head back and forth. “It doesn’t matter. I can’t talk to him, I can’t let him touch me, I can’t do any of those things. He’s better off learning to deal with that.”

“And what about you?”

“I can handle it.”

“I’m not sure you can.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“Of course you do. You can love him and still be angry with him.”

Natalie didn’t understand what she was trying to say. “That’s not fair to him,” Caroline said. “It’s not fair to either one of us.”

“Life isn’t fair. Why don’t you tell him how you feel?”

“I can’t do that. Too much has happened. We can’t go back.”

“You can go forward.”

How could she do that when she could barely get through the day? “With what? There’s nothing left. We can’t recreate something that never was.”

“That’s a defeatist attitude.”

“It’s the truth.”

“After everything you’ve told me, after everything I know about you, you’re going to make that assertion?”

It seemed entirely reasonable to her. “Yes.”

Natalie scooted her chair back further. If she moved any more, she’d be backed up against the door. “Do you know how much effort it’s taking for me not to yell at you right now?”

“You told me to be honest. I’m being honest.”

“You’re being pessimistic.”

“No, I’m not.” Why was it so hard for people to understand what she was trying to say? “I’m being realistic.” 

Natalie leaned forward. “Caroline-”

“It goes away,” she whispered. “You can have it, you can try to hold onto it, but it always goes away.”

Natalie frowned. “This is about more than you and Jack.”

“Do you know what it’s like to lose everything? To have it happen more than once?” Caroline asked.

“No,” Natalie said softly. “But that doesn’t mean you have to give up forever.”

A wounded heart could only sustain so much damage. “I can’t do it again. I don’t have the strength anymore.”