Phoenix (29 page)

“We talked for hours,” Jack said. “Almost six hours with hardly a break. No lulls, no silences. It was remarkable. I’d never made a connection like that before. It’s funny how life can change in an instant. It sounds so cliché, but it’s not. I spent almost five decades being a person I didn’t particularly like, and a few hours of conversation with Caroline changed everything. I’d never considered marriage but after that night I was convinced that I was going to make her mine. I didn’t know how, but I would find a way.”

Caroline brought her head up. “That’s not how it happened. He’s making it sound like I’m some amazing person capable of capturing hearts in only a few hours. I’m just me. I’m not, you know, some siren or something.”

“Maybe you were to him,” Natalie said. “Did you like him when you first met him?”

“After that night? I liked him. But I wasn’t – I couldn’t think of him that way. Not yet.”

“Jack, what happened after the party?” Natalie asked.

Great. She wanted an entire play by play. “I wanted to spend more time with Caroline but had to be subtle about it,” he said. “She wasn’t ready for anything. I wanted to get to know her better, enjoy her company, even if she didn’t see me in a romantic light.” He swallowed hard. “She was so sad back then. Sometimes it was hard to see. There were moments when I could see her personality peeking through but it would fade. I felt very torn about it, like I was insinuating myself into a situation where I wasn’t welcome. I gave her all the time I could, even though there was a part of me that wanted to make a move. I waited and she agreed to go out with me. Everything would have been great if I hadn’t fucked it up.”

“What happened?” Natalie asked.

Had he forgotten to tell her that part during their therapy sessions, or was she forcing him to say it aloud? “I didn’t tell Caroline I was running for governor,” Jack said.

“Oh,” she said. “That’s kind of a big political secret.”

Years later and he lugged his guilt around every damn day. He’d roll that boulder up the mountain the best he could and when he woke up the next morning, he’d find himself at the bottom again. “I didn’t want to lose her. I almost did anyway. She broke up with me and I thought it was over and then…she got hurt.”

“At the Capitol,” Natalie said.

Another obvious statement. Surely she knew all of this. “Yes.”

“But you were with her, right?”

“Yes,” he said. “At the Visitor’s Center and in recovery. Sitting around that waiting room was probably the worst thing that had ever happened to me until-”

“Did anything happen at the hospital?”

Oh fuck. The moment had arrived. He wished Natalie would have asked him about that in the first place. “I don’t think-”

“Tell her, Jack. It’s important. You know it is.”

“Tell me what?” Caroline asked.

He hated doing this to her. To himself. He’d tried so hard to block that memory out. “I don’t-”

“Tell her, Jack.”

Well, shit. “We were in a private waiting room at the hospital. Me, Jen, Katie, and Christine. Jen was extremely upset. I remember Kathleen trying to calm her down. I’d just gotten off the phone with Tom, told him to get to the airport because there would be a plane waiting there to take him to New York to get our – to get the girls. Christine was sitting in the corner alone. She hadn’t said a word the entire way to the hospital.”

Caroline had covered her eyes with her hand. Fuck. He had to keep going. Natalie wouldn’t let him stop, even if Caroline wouldn’t want to hear what he had to say. “It was terribly unsettling. She had all this blood on her hands, on her dress. Caroline’s-” He shook his head. He didn’t want to relive that part. “Christine was completely, eerily silent. I wanted to help her. Tom wasn’t going to be there for a while, Jen and Katie had each other, and she didn’t have anyone else. I sat next to her and asked if she wanted me to call someone to bring her a change of clothes. She didn’t say anything so I touched her shoulder. It was like a bomb went off. She started screaming at me. Some of it was incoherent but most of it was pretty understandable. It was frightening enough that Katie came over to break it up, but she failed.”

He took a deep breath. He hated doing this. He hated admitting what had happened. “I wanted to yell right back at her, to tell her all the things I’d always wanted to say. About how she’d interfered with my relationship with Caroline, how she’d never given me a fair shake, how she’d probably done more to keep Caroline from moving forward than help her process her grief, but I kept that inside. I just let her yell at me. Jen couldn’t take it. She ran out of the room and Katie went after her and the two of us were alone.”

Jack cleared his throat. “I tried to calm her down. Really, I did. But nothing worked. I wasn’t saying much of anything because I didn’t want her to go off again. And she said, ‘You will never be the man that Nicholas was. You’re a sexual predator and a manipulator, and you will never be good enough for her. Even if she can’t see it, I’ll always know the truth.’ Then she pushed past me and left the room.”

He dug his fingers into the armrest of the chair, staring down at his shoes. He was done. If Natalie asked him to talk about anything else, he was done. He might not have done much but he’d done enough.

“Caroline?” Natalie asked.

Jack heard the ticking of a clock. Low voices in the hall. If Dr. Haddad had any pins in her desk, now was the time to dump them all on the floor. A warm hand covered his. He flinched but kept staring at the floor.

“He always refused to tell me about what happened at the hospital,” Caroline said. “I don’t – it was not her place to say that. Chrissy always knew how to push buttons.” She squeezed his hand. “I’m sorry. I wish – I’m sorry.”

Jack gathered the strength to face her. He just needed to look at her. He’d tried and tried and tried so many times but maybe he could finally break through. Maybe he could tell her what he needed to say without words. Caroline instantly pulled her hand away, like she’d touched a hot stove. “I need to go,” she said, leaping out of her chair.

Natalie stood up. “Caroline-”

Caroline was already backing toward the door. “We shouldn’t have done this. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this for me,” she whispered.

“Stay here, Caroline,” Natalie commanded. “Don’t leave.”

Dr. Haddad had never spoken to Jack that way before. Did she do it often with Caroline? It was enough to compel him to rise. “Please stay. Things were going so well.”

Caroline rubbed her eyes. “What Chrissy said isn’t true. I want you to know that. But I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.” She turned around but Natalie had rushed over to block the door. “Get out of my way,” she said.

“No.” Natalie stepped back. “You’re going to listen to us.”

“I’m done listening. I did everything you wanted, I sat here almost the entire time, and I’m done. Okay?”

“No,” Natalie repeated. “Look at me. He’s not asking you to take on his pain. He’s asking you to help him understand it.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” Caroline asked. “I begged him to tell me what happened that day and he refused. Almost six years later I’m supposed to help him process it when he’s been dwelling on it alone for all this time? Bullshit.” She looked over at Jack. “I’m sorry I had such a horrible best friend who treated you so terribly. But you can’t lay this on me. Not now.”

He couldn’t let her walk out when she was that upset. Jack put his hands on her shoulders. “Sweetheart-”

She shrugged him off. “Please don’t call me that. I don’t – I need to go.”

He resisted the urge to grab her in his arms. “We can just talk. Nothing else.”

“Talk about what? Chrissy’s not here to defend herself. You can tell Natalie all sorts of awful things about her but I don’t want to stick around to hear them. You’re only doing it to hurt me.”

She
would
try to find a way to turn it around. Jack threw his hands up in the air. “Dammit, Caroline. The world does not always revolve around you.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

He wanted her to stay. He didn’t want to fight with her. “I’m not trying to hurt you. I didn’t – I shouldn’t have told you.”

“Oh, you’ve been wanting to tell me that story for years, haven’t you? Chrissy’s not around anymore, right? I’m sure that makes you happy.”

That hook slipped under his skin with the slightest pressure. “It does not. Not one bit.”

“She’s dead,” Caroline said, her voice shaking. “And you’re going to rake her over the coals every chance you get. Aren’t you?”

She was misinterpreting everything no matter what he said. “That is not what I’m doing!” he yelled.

“I’m done with this.” She pushed past Natalie and out the door.

Jack rushed forward but Natalie held him back. “Let her go,” she said quietly.

When she was in that condition? He had to go after her. “I don’t want to.”

“Sit down. Let’s talk.”

“She shouldn’t be alone.”

“I know, but you’re shaking as badly as she was. Sit down.”

Natalie guided Jack back to his chair and sat down behind her desk. “She’ll be fine. Don’t worry. This went much better than I thought it would. I’m surprised we lasted this long.”

Wasn’t that an indicator of how much his marriage was screwed up. “I shouldn’t have told her what Christine said.”

“Why didn’t you tell her before?”

He knew she’d ask that question. Too bad he had a shit answer. “It wasn’t her cross to bear. She was recovering from her injuries and dealing with so many other things and it seemed silly to bring it up.”

“But you and Christine continued to have problems getting along.”

That was an understatement. “It got a little better as time went on, at least when Caroline was in the room. If it was the two of us, all bets were off.”

“Were you afraid Caroline might agree with Christine if you told her what had happened?”

“Of course not.”

“Jack, come on.”

Sometimes Natalie was a little too perceptive. “What if Christine was right?”

“Do you think she was?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m not sure if I should tell you this, but Caroline has a theory as to why you and Christine never got on.”

This would be interesting. “And what’s that?”

“You’re too alike.”

Jack chuckled. “You can’t be serious.”

“I think she has a point. Not that you’re as reserved as Christine, but you have a lot of the same personality traits.”

“Neither one of us is very much like her.”

“Exactly.”

His wife’s fascinating desire to be challenged. But had that desire faded? What if she’d changed permanently? If she didn’t want to be challenged or even indulged, where did that leave him? “I’m not sure I care for this theory.”

“But you think it might have some validity.”

Jack gave her a small smile. “I find you rather frustrating, Dr. Haddad. You state things directly instead of hemming and hawing about them.”

Natalie smiled back at him. “I know you want to go after Caroline but she’ll be fine. I promise. Let’s talk more about the assignment you were given before the session. Do you really think you haven’t changed at all since you met your wife?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t think marriage changes a person?

“I don’t know,” he repeated. “Probably.”

“Did she change after she married you?”

“She got her confidence back. The more time passed, the more she found joy in things. It was lovely to see.”

“She changed but you didn’t. Is that it?” Natalie asked.

Very sneaky. He’d only officially met with Natalie a few times but knew when she was pressing too hard. “I see what you’re trying to do and it isn’t going to work.”

“Why not?”

“Because she regained who she was. There’s a difference between that and becoming an entirely different person.”

Natalie twisted a pen in her hands, not speaking.

“Did you notice you toy with writing utensils whenever you’re trying to avoid saying something you think will upset people?” he asked.

She put the pen down. “Who’s the therapist now?”

“Just making an observation.”

“It’s a bad habit,” she said, picking the pen back up. “You and your wife have taken me through three boxes of writing utensils in the last few months. I click them like a madwoman when our sessions are over to calm myself down.”

“Tell me what you think,” Jack said. “Of both of us.”

“I think you’re both crazy.”

“Big C crazy, or little c crazy?”

“Mildly insane,” she said, smiling at him. “Certainly not anything worth an official diagnosis. Stubbornly recalcitrant.”

“That’s repetitive.”

Natalie laughed. “I like adjectives. You’re both so reluctant to see the goodness in yourselves, which I don’t understand. Does it all boil down to insecurity?”

Hell if he could figure it out. “Probably.”

“Why are you so unwilling to admit that being with her made you a better person?”