Phoenix (27 page)

“She says she needs to speak with you.”

Had something happened during therapy? Had there been another incident? Schroeder was never one to ask details and Jack got the distinct feeling that his assistant still had some serious personal issues with his wife. There was no time for him to adjust himself. He’d have to stay behind his desk to be safe. “Send her in.”

“Yes, sir.” Schroeder hung up.

Jack ran his hands through his hair. What the hell was going on in his head? Why was he having dreams about…
that
? He’d never done anything like that to her before, nor had she requested it. Everything they did over the course of their sex life was safe, sane, and consensual. He shuddered, picturing the look on her face when he demanded a blow job, trying to block out the realization that he coerced her into caving to his desires. She didn’t say no, didn’t tell him to stop, but it was clear from her body language that she didn’t enjoy any of it. The distress and fear in her eyes was nothing. The disappointment was worse.

He bossed her around anyway, driven by her resistance. His ability to use his position over her to his advantage. His gift for exploiting her feelings for him. His behavior was disgusting. Jack made a face, revolted with himself. He rearranged the papers on his desk into a neat pile, hoping his expression wouldn’t give him away. The expected knock at the door came and he tried to compose himself one final time.

“Come in,” he called.

Caroline walked inside. “Thank you for seeing me, Commander.”

“Jack,” he said hastily.

“I’m sorry?”

“Call me Jack.”

One corner of her mouth turned up. “Okay.
Jack
.”

What kind of magic could he conjure to make that smile stay? He gestured toward the chair facing his desk. “Please sit down.”

“I won’t be here long.”

“Sit down anyway.”

She sat down on the couch. “Why don’t you join me over here?”

“No!”

Fuck, he’d practically shouted at her. He needed to get his shit together. The thoroughly perplexed expression on her face would have drawn a laugh from him under any other circumstance.

“Are you feeling all right?” she asked.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Please sit over here by me.”

She slouched into one of the leather chairs facing his desk. Maybe her devotion to their hierarchical divide was slipping. He hoped so. He hated that bullshit.

Jack stared at his hands for a moment. “You seem to be in a relatively decent mood.”

“I had a pretty cathartic talk with Natalie just now.”

He leaned back and crossed his legs, grateful he was able to move again. “That’s good. What brings you over here?”

Whatever easygoing vibe he’d caught from her faded quickly. “Natalie thinks we should have a joint session.”

That sounded like a terrible idea. “Excuse me?”

“I know,” she said. “I had the same reaction. But if I need to do this to get back to work, I’d appreciate it if you would help me out.”

She had to know that he would never say no to her. Or he hoped she did. “I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. When did she have in mind?”

“I assume some time next week. We can work around your schedule.”

The prospect of spending time with Caroline, even under unpleasant terms, was enough to make him giddy. “That sounds perfect.”

“There’s one more thing,” she said.

That couldn’t be good. “What’s that?”

“Natalie wants us to write something down before we come.”

“And what would that be?”

She rubbed her forehead. “She wants us to, uh, describe our biggest fears in our relationship.”

Dr. Haddad’s techniques were none too subtle. Jack chuckled. “She wants us to limit it to one? Might be kind of hard.”

Caroline covered her mouth, hiding a tiny grin. “I’m not sure she knows the extent to which we’ve had our issues, whether they’re with each other or ourselves.”

This was an unusually civil conversation. He didn’t want it to end. And he was desperate to uncover the secret to making her smile at him for more than a second or two. “I can come up with something,” Jack said.

She fumbled with her hands. “I don’t want you to be anxious about this.”

Caroline always acted so nervous in his presence. Like she was afraid that if she spent too long with him, bad things would happen. Maybe she
was
scared of him. “I’m not,” he said. “I want you to get better and I’ll do anything to help you get there.”

“I know,” she said. “But I don’t know if this is going to work very well.”

“I’m sure it will be fine. Natalie knows what she’s doing.”

“Jack, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. This isn’t-”

“I won’t get my hopes up. I promise,” he interrupted, his voice a little sharper than he’d intended. “I want to help you and I will, especially if Natalie thinks it may assist in your recovery. I don’t expect anything in return.”

She turned toward the wall. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Dammit. He wasn’t doing anything right. “I’m sorry I snapped at you. I shouldn’t have questioned your intentions.”

“I’m trying to do better,” Caroline whispered. “You have no idea how hard I’ve been working at this.”

Jack swallowed hard, hoping she wasn’t about to start crying. He couldn’t bear to see any tears from her without breaking down himself. Especially when he just wanted to hold her and tell her it would be okay. When he was focused and awake, that was all he ever thought about.

“I know you are, which is why I’ll go with you next week.” He smiled at her. “Who knows? It may be beneficial for both of us.”

She started toward the door. “That was all I wanted. I’ll let you get back to work.”

At a loss as to how to keep her from leaving, he shifted the papers on his desk again. “You could stay a little longer if you want to talk. It doesn’t need to be about anything important.”

“No,” she said. “I need to, um, be somewhere.”

Jack smiled. She was as delicate as a freight train. Caroline had a little further to go than she thought. “I understand. I’m fairly busy myself.” He came up behind her. “You look good. You’ve gained some weight.”

“Boone has been sneaking me extra desserts.”

“I take no issue with that.”

“He misses my mad potato peeling skills. He’s always asking if I can stick around to help the guys prep food.”

Jack found himself consumed with guilt over the big things. And a few little things too. “You probably shouldn’t have been given that assignment.”

Caroline gave him a half smile. “It wasn’t that bad. Got a couple of buddies out of it.”

“Then I guess it’s okay.”

“I never told them I don’t know how to cook, but I think they figured it out.”

He laughed. “Your cooking isn’t that bad. I should have never given you such a hard time about it.”

“It’s okay.”

Nice to be granted absolution, but the guilt lingered. “Thanks. And thank you for stopping by. It’s definitely been the highlight of my day so far.” He heard her stomach growl. “Do you want to get some lunch?”

Caroline blushed. “That was kind of loud, huh?”

“Have you eaten anything today?”

“No.”

He’d need to make sure she ate more than an extra dessert. “Let’s remedy that.”

“Jack-”

“You can’t weasel your way out of this. You have to eat. And I have to accompany you.”

“Is that a new rule?”

He smiled at her. “It is today.”

She sighed but didn’t look all that unhappy. “Okay.”

*              *              *              *              *

The cafeteria was fairly crowded but there were a few empty tables. Caroline noticed more than a few pairs of eyes turning toward them. Great. They had an audience. She had always cherished her privacy but now it seemed a fleeting concept, left behind like so many other things. She couldn’t even be pissed at her husband without an entire military installation knowing about it. Now that they were eating together, the topics of conversation would change. She didn’t want to hazard a guess as to what they might be.

“Why don’t I ever see you in here?” she asked Jack.

“I’m around.”

She’d seen him that handful of times when Natalie had been spying on them, but that was it. “No, you’re not. The guys in the back told me they never see you either.”

“I eat.” Jack grabbed a plastic tray. “I’m going to prove it right now.”

“I thought maybe you couldn’t handle the working class aspect of this sort of setting,” Caroline said.

He frowned at her. “I am well in touch with the working man.”

“You and Tom Joad,” she said.

“You should have been an English major.”

“I strongly considered it.” She waved at Boone, who was eyeing them from one of the portholes in the kitchen doors. He pushed through them and nudged the guy dishing out the food.

“Whatever she wants. Girl’s gotta eat.” He sobered when he turned to Jack. “Sir,” he said.

Jack nodded at him. “Lieutenant.”

She brightened. “You got promoted?”

Boone beamed. “Last week.”

Caroline tried not to laugh as Jack busied himself with picking out his meal selections. If she didn’t know better, she’d think he was being bashful.

Boone slid around the divider and leaned over to whisper in her ear. “I got a surprise for you in the back. Chocolate chip.”

She gave him a smile. “It’s okay, Cedric. Jack knows you sneak me food.”

“Oh. I’ll bring them to your table, then.”

Poor guy. He didn’t know which secrets he was allowed to share. “Fantastic,” she said. Jack was piling his tray with food, oblivious to their conversation. “I’d better stock up or this guy is going to hassle me.”

“Damn right you will,” Jack said. Maybe he wasn’t all that oblivious. “Some of this is for you.”

Caroline shook her head. “Catch up with you later?”

“Sure,” Boone said. “Be back in a bit.”

“What was that about?” Jack asked, as they took one of the few empty tables in the place.

“He’s been experimenting with cookie making.”

“Oh.” He stared down at his tray. “That’s good.”

“Everything okay?”

He pulled his head back up. “It’s wonderful to see you smile. Even if it’s not at me.”

Oh, that stabbed a little. What could she possibly say in response? “He’s a nice guy.”

“I know.”

Boone appeared shortly after Jack convinced Caroline to take one of his hamburgers and a side of fries. “Here you go,” he said, placing a plate of cookies on the table next to them. “Make sure she shares them with you, Commander.”

Jack laughed. “I don’t know how likely that is, but I appreciate the gesture.”

Caroline patted Boone’s arm. “Thanks. Want me to stop by tomorrow?”

“Sure. Ain’t like you got anything better to do.”

The pat turned into a punch. “Get back to work, peon. I still outrank you.”

Jack broke one of the cookies in two and took a bite. “May as well sample these.”

“Dessert first,” she agreed, grabbing one for herself.

He stared down at his half eaten cookie. “Did you-?”

“It’s one of the few things I can remember. Go figure.”

“These taste great.”

Caroline shrugged. “Gotta have one skill. I guess mine was baked goods.”

“You were good at much more than that.”

She blushed. She seemed to be doing that more and more around him and it was proving to be distracting. “Whatever.”

Jack finished the cookie and took another one. “No self-deprecation today. Eat,” he commanded.

With her growling stomach she didn’t have much room to argue. And the time passed quickly, much to her surprise. They didn’t talk a lot, both of them too hungry to converse. Soon Jack was checking his watch.

“Shit,” he said. “Meeting in fifteen minutes. I have to get going.” He looked longingly at the remaining cookies.

“Take them,” Caroline said.

“I can’t-”

“Trust me, he has more in the back. I’ll pick some up on the way out.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll see you next week,” Caroline said.

He picked up his tray and set the cookie plate on it, smiling at her. “Next week,” he echoed.

His head hit the pillow. He was exhausted and his bed was more comfortable than usual.

A soft voice called to him. “Wake up, Jack.”

“Tired,” he mumbled.

“Please, Monty. I want to talk to you.”

He sat up straight. “Caroline?” He could make out her dark outline at the foot of the bed, wearing that same white nightgown. Jack hopped to his feet. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see you.” She held out her arms.

He rushed to her, stopping short when he saw her face. “What’s wrong?”

“Why do you keep hurting me?”

“What?”

“You hurt me,” Caroline said quietly. “This afternoon in your office.” She stared down at her feet. “You made me cry.”

He’d fucked up, big time. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to-”

“Of course you did.” She started to weep, wrapping her arms around herself. “You manipulated me. You hurt me. You did things to me. Couldn’t you tell you were humiliating me?” She took a shaky breath. “You made me feel so…bad. You hurt my feelings.”

He dropped to his knees, bringing his arms around her waist. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

“Why did you do it?” she asked. “Did you like using me like that? Did it feel good?”

“I don’t know.” His guilt overtook him. “I never want to hurt you. I want to make you happy. I shouldn’t have done it.”

He knelt there trying not to lose control while she stood rigid as a rock. She brought her hands to his hair and ran her fingers through it, whispering words of comfort as he fisted the back of her nightgown and begged for forgiveness.

She tugged at his hair. “Look at me, Jack.”

He brought his eyes to hers. She was smiling, though there were tears in her eyes. “Get up,” she said, and pulled him to his feet. She squeezed his hands.

He pressed his fingers to her cheek, tracing the tracks of her tears. “I’m sorry. I feel sick about what happened.”

“You need to figure out why you’re doing this,” Caroline said. “Why you’re acting this way.”

Like he hadn’t already added that to his list of burdens. “I don’t know why I keep hurting you.”

Caroline ran her fingers through his hair again and he closed his eyes, relishing the feel of her hands on him.

“Oh, Monty. What happened in your office…that isn’t who you are. I know it isn’t.” She brought a hand to his cheek, leaving it there. The woman thought so much more of him than he had ever deserved. Her touch was gentle and he almost lost it again.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I know you don’t deserve to be treated that way.” Jack pressed his hand over hers. “I don’t want you to be angry with me. I don’t want you to hate me anymore.”

“I don’t hate you.” She smiled at him. “I love you.”

Caroline brought her lips to his and slid her hands down his shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her. She leaned into him, opening her mouth and teasing him with her tongue. She tasted sweet. Jack weaved his fingers in her hair, pulling her closer. The kiss was everything he wanted and needed and couldn’t possibly last long enough. He groaned when she pulled away.

“I’ve missed that,” she whispered.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“A reminder. Of what we have.” She backed toward the bed, holding his hand. “I think we’ve done enough talking, don’t you?” Jack stopped short, and she almost lost her balance. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

He averted his eyes. “I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again.”

“You won’t.” Caroline pulled her nightgown over her head. “I won’t let you.” She undressed him and led him to the bed again. The smile returned. “It’s okay,” she said, guiding him on top of her. “I trust you.”

“I love you, baby,” he whispered. “I love you so much.”

“Do you?” Her smile vanished.

Jack tried to ignore the disquieting feeling he was getting from the way she was scrutinizing him. “I do,” he said. “Totally and completely.”

She closed her eyes and moaned softly as he entered her. He cradled her in his arms, telling her how much he loved her, saying her name over and over again. But something wasn’t right. She wasn’t responding the way she usually did. He pulled his head up. Caroline had tears in her eyes.

“You left me,” she said. “If you love me, why did you leave me?”

Jack pulled out of her, shocked. “Sweetheart, I didn’t-” How could he look her in the face? He stared at the ceiling. It was deathly cold in the room. He was surprised he couldn’t see his breath.

This was his chance. To explain. To apologize. He could pour his heart out and slice open his insecurities and she would accept him. The way she always had. Because she was his.

He brought his head down and discovered she was gone. He was alone.

Alone.

Again.

Always alone.

Jack pulled a pillow to his face, his grief rushing back to him. The smell of her was still in his bed.

“Come back,” he said. “Come back to me, sweet Caroline.” His voice hitched. “Don’t leave. I need you. Please. Come back.”

*              *              *              *              *

It had happened again. Goddammit. At least he hadn’t jizzed in his shorts this time. A tearstained pillow and a knotted up blanket were the only casualties. He hadn’t jacked off but he’d managed to snivel all over his bedsheets. Christ.

He could practically feel her underneath him, whispering in his ear. The pain was overwhelming and before he knew what he was doing, he started clutching at the sheets and crying out her name, shouting an apology she would never hear. More than anything else, he had wanted this one to be real. Achingly, passionately real. But it wasn’t.

She was gone.