Personal Experiences (40 page)

I begin to laugh… not a hysterical "that's so fucking funny laugh" but more of a maniacal laugh. He looked at me with the look of, yep, she's finally lost it, but I didn't care, I just kept on laughing.

"You think it's just that easy huh? You think he's just gonna let go just like that?" I asked him as I snapped my fingers. "You don't think I've thought about that or even tried?" I bent my head to the side, almost touching my shoulder so that I could see him; way down deep into him because I really wanted him to hear my words so that he knew that this, this plan he had concocted in his head, was not even remotely going to happen. "Do you know what happens if I do that again?" I saw his jaws twitch, his face so hard that I don't see any sign that this is going to be any easier for him to hear. "You see these on me?" I picked up my shirt and reminded him of what doing nothing but sleeping brought me, "This will be a day at the fair for me. You see these?" I held up my wrists, "These won't look like this if I try that again, and there won't be anything left for Rachel and Lilly to bury, my kids won't have a place to come visit their momma. Now, do you really want that for them?"

He sat there, that hard stone face affixed to his head and I don't think there would've been a way to even try to pry it off.

I saw his mouth attempt to move; "Why" he said with a shaky chin. Oh yeah, he was enraged and he was trying to keep it buried deep inside.

I looked down at my hands sitting there in my lap, contemplating on whether to lie the same lie I've told myself for the last seventeen years or to make up a new one. I decided on the latter. I knew I could never take the chance on him seeing the twins, if he ever caught a glimpse he'd know.

Quietly, I tell him "I've changed TJ. Bear has made me into a harsh woman, hun and I can't be brought back. I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be unhappy and have my kids safe and with me; there watching them, then to be unsafe and happy because my children always have to watch their backs"

He just shook his head "I can protect ya'll, Elle." He said as he looked at me down to my soul. He meant every word. He would; he'd die protecting me and my children…our children. But what worried me was, who would protect him.

He was still young enough to get married, have a family of his own. I wasn't going to let him make a mistake like that and have him be unable to find the last element he needed to complete his life; his happiness.

Just at that moment, the doctor walked in. "Well, Miss Barker, I hear we've changed our plans and you need to have a physical done now. Well, let me-"

Out of nowhere TJ spoke up "well just take the test, doc" His eyes shot to me "We'll reschedule for the physical."

Thank God!!

We finished up at the doctor's and left. TJ fought me because I wanted to pay for the visit but he wouldn't hear of it. He paid cash and a little extra for the doctor's time, he also paid for a one day turn around on the results. We got in the car and headed for the city.

 By this time it was almost 6 in the evening, the sun was attempting to set so the sky was a beautiful orange color. The top was down on the car, I had my sunglasses on and I just laid my head back against the headrest and felt the breeze on my face. I laid my hand on TJ's leg and he covered my hand with his. I felt as if I was in my place, sitting next to him in his old truck with the windows down.

I asked him if he would turn on the radio, he turned it on but a CD was playing, it was Whitesnake's "Slow and Easy". I heard those first few bars; the sliding up and down on the guitar's neck then David Coverdale coming in with that breathy, raspy sound he's known for. The drums kicking in, that's when I felt it. I opened my eyes, lifted my head from the headrest, looked over at TJ and smiled, he smiled back.

I knew what he was thinking about. He was trying to let the song tell me what he was thinking. I smiled bigger than I had in years. The top was down on the car, Bear was not anywhere around. TJ was sitting beside me and all those feeling I felt when I went to my place came rushing to me in an instant. This was reality! This was Freedom! I turned the song up louder. I began bouncing my head to the beat. I heard the chorus come on and I sang just as loud as the lead singer did. I didn't give a shit about anything. I didn't care about what people around me were thinking; I was unbound, released from the hold Bear had on me for the past seventeen years, at least for now I was. I hadn't had a taste of this, because I always had to stay in control, but there was nothing to control right now at this point in time. The wind was blowing away all the feelings of dread and anguish I have lived with most of my life. I began laughing, loud frenzied laughing. I laughed so hard I began to cry. I wanted to know this feeling for the rest of my life, I raised my arms up in the air and just opened up my palms and let everything that had been a part of me for so long, I forgot who I was go. The secrets I'd been keeping trapped up inside of me, the consequences of TJ finding out those secrets, the thought of taking my kids and running off when this was done and over with; all of it and just threw it up in the air and let the wind take it for now… I'd deal with it all another day.

We made it back to the city and decided we were in the mood for some Mexican food. We drove to a restaurant that TJ said was the best Mexican food around; also that on the back patio area was a cantina and a live band. It was obvious, we were going to eat outside and enjoy the music and amazing sunset. Finishing up with my enchiladas and my second margarita, which by the way, TJ was correct the food was incredible and the drinks were so much better than mine. I never understood that, I would buy exactly the same type of tequila they would same margarita mix and yet mine tasted like shit compared to them, it must be the commercial blender. Hmmmmm, maybe that will be next.

I talked TJ into one more drink with the condition that I give him one dance. I accepted and had one more margarita and then attempted to do a little Spanish dance that looked more like a seizure. We decided we needed to leave so that I could get a head start on what I needed to do.

We made it back to the hotel. I decided to take a quick shower, call Rachel and see how everyone was and video-conference my kids to tell them goodnight as I said I would. I had received picture messages from them this afternoon while they were swimming so I knew they made it back to Rachel's with no problems and they were smiling so I hope they didn't make a big deal out of my phone call.

I sat down on the couch and called Rach, it rang two times and she answered.

"Hey babe."

I smiled, she sounded so laid back like the world was perfect.

"Hey sweetie, how are the hoodlums?"

She giggled. I could hear them in the background something about Kevin and ice cream.

"They're wonderful. They said something was up this afternoon, I didn't know what to do with that, I figured you would call me and let me know when you got a chance."

There it was. The reason why we fit perfect together. She knows me too well. I'm controlled and panic at the drop of a hat; she's just as calm and collected and well, if trouble happens she'll find a way out… in a bit.

I walked to my room and shut the door. She heard the door shut.

"Where are you?"

"I'm in my room…why?"

"Oh my god!! You did it, didn't you?"

"Rachel!"

"Holy shit! Well… give me details… wait! No, I've changed my mind, fuck that. We'll leave it with you did it."

I laughed then I got serious.

"I told him all about Bear, Rach. Bear called when I was in the living room and he was in his room I had it on speaker phone. I didn't know he could hear. He called me every name in the book. TJ started yelling at me at why I wouldn't tell him what was going on…so I did. He went ballistic, Rach. Throwing shit, it was nuts."

She was quiet for a minute, I heard her sniff…

"Did you tell him?"

I knew what she was talking about and there was no way I could tell him. If he threw that big of a fit when it came to Bear doing this to me, I couldn't imagine what he would do if he knew that I had withheld from him that he had two children and Bear was raising them as his own. Not only that but Bear was beating the shit out of me with his children in the same house, Oh Jesus, watch out world.

"You know that's not possible, Rach"

She knew. She also knew how much I wanted to, but time had passed. Like building a house brick by brick, it had taken me seventeen years to build this house from the foundation up. Here it was, I was on the roof and by me telling him about them, would tear the whole house down and hurt all that was in it, as well.

I told her that I was going to call the kids now and tell them goodnight and remind them to stay aware of their surroundings for the next couple of days. I did my call and grabbed a shower and then was sitting at the dining room table with my laptop; courtesy of Mac-Gentry with my first file and memory stick. As I began my eleventh file, TJ popped up behind me and moved my hair to the side and kissed the back of my neck.

"Now, now Mr. McHale, I am trying to work here." As I said this, I saw him drop down in the chair next to me with his computer. He was laughing. "I know, I just wanted to see if I could distract you."

I laughed, never taking my eyes off the screen and replied "I cannot be distracted. I am a lean, mean working machine".

He started laughing again, "Oh, I think I can think of a way to distract you, I felt his hand touch my thigh, my head turned his way to jump his ass-

"Gotcha! Just call me; the master of distraction."

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"Don't tease me; I might take you up on that offer."

I leaned over towards him and barely touched my lips to his and replied "Oh Mr. McHale, that was so not a tease; baby, that was a taste of what will be available to you tonight, if you let me get this box finished."

I leisurely laid my tongue on my bottom lip so that it touched his lips; he kissed it and immediately grabbed a folder and began to enter information.

* * *

"Oh fuck Elle, take it deeper, baby." I leaned in further to take more of him in my mouth. I loved the way he smelled and tasted, I never could get enough. "Jesus Christ, baby, I love your mouth. It's like stroking my cock up against silk."

I hummed my pleasure at that thought, not wanting to take him out of my mouth. I stroked down him and sucked harder as I came back up his shaft. Running my tongue around the tip of him, I heard him hiss in enjoyment. "Shit, I wanna be inside you."

After we finished the whole box, it wasn't as late as I thought it was and I wanted to do something, since he treated me earlier to an amazing afternoon. So, as soon as he stood up, I went for the button on his pants, catching him off guard. I got down on my knees and unzipped his pants slowly, never taking my eyes off of his. I reached into his pants and encircled him in my hand. I closed my eyes. I felt so at ease doing this to him, I didn't feel embarrassed or that he was going to make fun of me, it was as if he was made to be a part of me; whether it be my hand, my mouth; inside me. He was made for me.

I lifted him out of his pants and touched the tip of my tongue to the head of his cock. I tasted a drop of him on my tongue, I closed my eyes in gratification.

"I taste you on my tongue, baby. I like knowing all I have to do is touch you to see you glisten for me..." I ran my fist down and back up his cock to find another drop of his sweetness drip down the side of him. His eyes were closed, his head was back as I continued "…Or all I have to do is lick you…" I run my tongue down the side where that drop was running down his length and caught it on my tongue, sweeping back up to the tip. His eyes were back on me as I did this. "…And I can taste you anytime I want."

"Fuck baby, it's all for you." he answered in a heady voice, while he pushed the hair off my face and then ran his fingers through the back of it.

I put my lips around him and suck hard, just on the tip. I heard him moan as he tensed his ass muscles. I teased him with my tongue flicking over where I had just sucked. I felt his hand in the back of my hair, push gently down encouraging me to take all of him in, I didn't hesitate. Starting out slowly then becoming faster working into a rhythm that he was enjoying.

"That's it honey, take my cock. Goddamn, I've missed you." I moaned and dropped my fingers between my legs, I was on fire; I begin to touch myself.

"Yes Elle, play with yourself. Touch that beautiful pussy, while my cock is in your mouth. Shit you're gonna make me come."

Beginning to rub my fingers against myself faster, I moaned while taking him all the way in until I felt him touch the back of my throat, this moaning made him go wild with desire. He began to push my head faster and faster, I took my hand away from me and held his sac to feel him draw himself up. I began to suck harder, faster.

"Oh shit… fuck baby, I'm… don't stop." I go even faster as I feel the first jet hit the back of my tongue and hear his long moan of pure ecstasy.

"Fuck Elle, I fucking love you!"

I giggled and stood to my feet, "Yeah, I bet you do."

I heard the alarm clock hit six am, so I hit the snooze button. This two a.m. shit and being up at six was not doing anything for my beauty sleep. I rolled to my side and saw TJ sleeping soundly beside me. He looked so gorgeous and peaceful, his face was relaxed and I couldn't help but smile.

I could see the grey in his hair right at his temples now. I gently ran my hands through it. He snuggled closer to my hand reflexively. I leaned into him and kissed him softly on the lips. I pulled the covers off of me and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and let the water heat up. I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste, slathered a bit on the brush and set it aside. I put my hand in to test the water; perfect.

I undressed, grabbed my toothbrush and jumped in. I got under the stream of water and closed my eyes and just enjoyed the hot water against my face, without opening my eyes I stuck my toothbrush in my mouth and brushed my teeth. As soon as I was done, I threw my toothbrush over the glass enclosure to hear it landed right where I wanted it to; the sink.