Penitence (2010) (8 page)

She took a bite. Oh! Paradise! I snickered. Um. Yeah. Westons a nice looking boy. Mom chewed. Britts always had handsome boyfriends, hasnt she? Yeah, she has. Well, hopefully the two of them can work things out. Britt was so upset the other night. Does he know how she feels? I dont know. I drew invisible circles on the countertop. Britts in love with him. Oh, again? Mom chuckled, her fork once again digging into the gooey roll. No, seriously. My sharp tone had Mom looking at me. No joke. Shes in love with him. She stopped chewing, her gaze questioning. She swallowed. Does she know he was here just now? I shook my head. Sounds like somethings up. Yeah. Deep down inside, I worried what it might be. Eight Sunday was snowy, with watery flakes falling in slushy tears coating the ground, as if Heaven sobbed. With the start of each new day I tried to be positive, but the weepy winter weather threw a shroud over my heart. Because everyone at church had been concerned about my recovery, Dad urged me to join the congregation, so I did. I wanted to be there, anyway. Somehow, I hoped Id be closer to Matthias. Friends were pleased to see me, and flocked around me with questions, hugs and well wishes. With energy slowly coming back, aches nearly all gone, I opted to keep watch on Abria out in the foyer, where she had some freedom to run and climb without disrupting services. Overall, my spirit lifted being there, even without seeing Matthias. And as our family traipsed through the messy snow to our cars, I was glad to have taken the outing. I drove home with Luke in his Samurai. The tinny monster chewed through snow like a toy plow. Luke seemed happier since Id been home. I hadnt seen that glazed, heavy-lidded look in his eyes for so long, I started to think maybe hed decided to go clean for good. Talking about his drug addiction usually soured the mood, so I didnt bring it up. I held what joy I had inside and hoped his change was permanent. But I also knew most addicts lived on a rollercoaster and dragged their loved ones along for the ride. Man, its bad out here. Luke held the wheel with both hands, navigating the long road that led uphill to our house. I looked over my shoulder at Mom and Dad and Abria driving behind us in the minivan. Do you freak out being on this road now? Luke asked. Because of the accident? He nodded. Do you remember anything? His blue eyes met mine for a minute. I remember it all. Man. I felt moved to tell him about the experience. Maybe, in his sober state, hed ponder what I said and, with hope, broaden his narrow view on life a bit. But there was always the chance that hed think Id hit my head too hard during the accident and suffered the side effects of insanity. Lets drive a bit. He shot me a tweaked look. In this weather? Just a little. I pulled out my cell and texted Mom. Ill tell them well be home soon. Oh, man, Im starving. Ill treat you to a burger. Anywhere. Really? Cool. Okay. He pulled the car around and we headed back down the snowy road. Mom and Dad waved to us when we passed. In the backseat of the minivan, Abria stared out the window, a blank look on her face. I want to tell you something, I said. Luke looked over, seeming to sense something important in the air. What? The night of the accident, something happened. I saw someone in the car with me. His eyes grew round, like they had when hed been little and Id told him a story in the dark coziness of our shared bedroom, when the climax was coming and Id amp the energy in my voice so hed feel the excitement. I know it sounds funky, but... I saw a being in the car right before the impact. Like an alien? I half smiled. No. A real being. From Heaven. As real as you and me. He looked like you and me. Hair, skin, bones. Flesh and blood, Luke. He told me not to be afraid. He spoke to you? I nodded. Shocked, Luke scrubbed his chin and drove one-handed. You sure? You told Mom and Dad you hadnt been drinking, but, Z, that sounds like a hallucination to me. Luke, it was real. I saw him. He sat in the passenger seat of my car. What theyoure sure this didnt happen after you were hit? The result of brain trauma or something? Positive. Wow. Down below our neighborhood, closer to town, the roads were less caked with snow and slush, the increased car travel cutting pathways through the muck. Luke drove cautiously along State Street. I know it sounds out there, but it really happened. He talked to me. He knew you were going to be hit? He just said not to be afraid. I looked out the window, saw that black and yellow truck, and then it happened. Wow. Do you think he was, like, a guardian angel or something? For all of Lukes immersion in the world of drugs and low lifes, he was still amazingly innocent and quick to believe some things. Like a little boy, he was willing to hear me out. I loved that about him. Of course, that same willingness was probably what opened the doors which led him to the practice of using. He was a guardian. He told you that? I nodded, watching the slightest changes in his face for belief to shift to disbelief, but the light of pure belief remained. Thats so cool. Hey, but why did the accident happen then? If he was a guardian? Shouldnt he have stopped it or something? I dont know. Im not sure he knows. I swallowed a knot, not sure how much I should share. I yearned for the childhood closeness wed once had, the innocent, streaming faith we had once exchanged. Luke, something else happened. He pulled the car into the parking lot of McDonalds. What? He stopped the car in a parking slot and the engine idled. The guardian... the one who was in the car with me... Id seen him before. Silence. Luke stared at me, trying to decipher if I was still being honest or if Id just dumped the biggest load of b.s. in his lap yet. Before? I saw him with Abria. Is this why you were talking to yourself in her bedroom that once? I nodded. Behind his blue eyes, he was processing information. Youre not playing me, are you? No. More silence. I first saw him at the park a few months ago, when I lost Abria. When I found her, he was with her. Is this the guy in the parking lot at church? When you asked me if I knew a Matthias? You remember? Yeah, I remember. Sorry, I never knew when you were... high or not. I wasnt always high. He snickered. Just most of the time. Past tense? He lifted a shoulder. Youre not messing with me, you really have seen somebody? I really have. Luke, Ive talked to him. Its been the most significant thing thats ever happened to me. Youre sure youve seen someone and youre not... dreaming, or in hangover mode? Im sure.

Ive touched him. Lukes eyes popped. After the accident, I died. I went to a place where he was. I know it sounds completely wild, and I dont blame you for doubting, but Do Mom and Dad know? No. You told me, before telling them? Im not sure Im going to tell them. Why did you decide to tell me? I took a deep breath. I thought youd believe. Lukes blue eyes penetrated mine, then he looked out the front window, and time passed in measured thought. I held my breath. Id taken a risk, telling him. He could tell Mom, Dadany of his druggie pals, and I could have the reputation of being in the loony bin. I believe you. Relief cupped my heart. I reached out and laid my hand on his shoulder. Good. Because its true. It makes sense. What do you mean? Makes sense that people besides us exist. This universe is huge. What a waste it would be if we were the only ones in it. Matthias told me God doesnt waste anything. Luke held onto the steering wheel with both hands. He stared straight ahead, but at nothing in particular, smiled and shook his head. Wow. This blows me away. Pretty trippy, right? He laughed. So, is this dude here? He looked around. Right now? No. I havent seen him since the accident. Why not? I wish I knew. Before the accident, he was Abrias and my guardian. Since then... I dont know what happened to him. Maybe hes just... busy. No, I saw Aunt Janis. Shes Abrias guardian now. Wait a second. Aunt Janis, Moms aunt? Yup. Holy. Youre joking. Nope. I smiled. Shes really cool. Youd like her. This is wild! Yeah. I leaned back, sighed. Snow fell heavily from the afternoon sky and Lukes Samurai now looked like the inside of a snow globe, blue covered in white. All I know is guardians are close to the family. Matthias told me that. Luke looked over. That makes sense. Who else would they be? So, how does Matthias fit in? Is he some cousin or something? He never said exactly. Just that he and I were... connected. He loves me. I love him. My heart zinged with a warm flash. I looked out the window to hide the heat racing underneath my skin. You and he were what? I turned my face further away, but heard Lukes old seat creak as he leaned over. What, Z? Are you guys, like, an item? I laughed. How can we be an item? Hes dead. Well, not dead. But he lives there, and I live here. My heart hurt. I stared at my hands, tightly clasped in my lap, and sighed. Yeah, I guess youre right. But you make it sound like its something. Love had never felt more real. Or more impossible. Its not. Man, Im still getting used to all this. I want to see one of these guys. How do I do that? Its not something you can just do. I dont know how Ive seen them. I just see them. So, have you seen my guardian? Luke looked around the inside of the tiny car. My heart sunk. I wasnt sure what to tell him. What would he think of not having a guardian? Would he feel abandoned? Unloved? Insignificant? Matthias had said that guardians come to those in need singularly or severally, as required depending on whether the charge chooses angelic assistance. My question was: who wouldnt want heavenly help? Not all people have them, Luke. My understanding is that only people who are open to help, get it. Or, like in Abrias case, are innocent. That makes sense. I dont think Id want somebody running my life. A guardian doesnt run your life. Theyre there to warn or offer comfort. A lot of good it did you. You almost died. He spoke matter-of-factly, without sarcasm. But I didnt. My voice trailed off. I stared out the window. And having Matthias there... helped. Are you sorry youre alive? I lifted a shoulder. My lifes changed so much since Matthias came into it. Hes different than anyone Ive ever known. Whenever hes around, its like Im immersed in completeness. Hes seriously the calmest, most controlled, peaceful person I know. Uh, yeah. Hes an angel. What else would he be? I looked at him, amazed that hed actually pondered these topics at some point or he wouldnt have anything to say. So you believe in life after death. Course. Itd suck not to. I laughed. Yeah. Silence. He grinned. Think Im ready for that burger now. It was too cold to eat in the car, so we parked in the half-full lot of McDonalds and trudged through layered curtains of falling snow, inside. Luke held the door open for me. He looked older, more mature in his grey slacks, blue shirt and tie. Not at all the wandering soul he usually appeared. You look nice, by the way. I passed him with a teasing smile. His cheeks rounded into sun-kissed apples. We walked through the lobby and were assaulted with the greasy scent of sizzling fries and grilled meat. We joined the small crowd standing in line at the counter. What do you want? I asked. Two cheeseburger meal. Youre gonna eat, right? The familiar scent of McDonalds food tempted my stomach into a growl, like a lion tamer teasing a beast. Yeah, I could eat. In front of us stood a tall jock-type I didnt take much notice of until he took his tray and turned. Brady. He froze. His eyes grew huge, his mouth opened. My throat clutched. Once his initial shock evaporated, his eyes slit. The tray in his hands shook for a second before going still. I heard you were up and around. His tone was meant to cut skin, but I ignored it. Yup. Brady slid a nod at Luke, who glared back. Lukes arms twitched. Then Bradys dark stare locked back on me. He scanned me from head to toe, eliciting a shudder of revulsion from my body. I pushed past him to the counter where a server stood waiting for us to order. My insides trembled. Weston yesterday, Brady today? It stunk living in a small community. I ordered, sensing Bradys foreboding presence behind us, but did my best to ignore him. What did he want? To gloat? His cant-touch-me attitude disgusted me. Luke kept sneering over his shoulder. After our food was on our tray, we turned. Brady was gone, but I knew Id see him in the eating area. You wanna eat in the car? Luke whispered. I hate that guy. Hes not going to get to me. Well eat here. Id faced Weston and shown him I wasnt going to be intimidated. I could do the same with snaky Brady. In fact, my nerves drummed anticipating the chance. We walked into the eating area. Brady sat alone at a bench. His burger was at his mouth and he lowered it just enough to show me a sleazy grin. I tilted my head and cocked an eyebrow at him. I led Luke to a table one table away and sat facing Brady. Luke sat across from me. Brady seemed amused by our choice of seats. He flashed his Cheshire cat grin, reaching for a golden fry. I picked up my Filet-o-Fish, bit into my sandwich and chewed, holding his cocky gaze, relishing that Id surprised him by staying and eating in. Brady took another fry, leaned his head back, opened his mouth and very slowly inserted the fry. Luke turned a wide-eyed glance at me. I rolled my eyes. My stomach followed, but I held back the nauseating wave. I felt stupid, engaging in an elementary school silent battle with the peon. On the other hand, now that Id sat down, if I was to get up and leave, Brady would think hed intimidated me. I concentrated on my food and Luke. Luke savored when he ate, every bite a morsel of culinary perfection whether it was fast food or cuisine. Hed savored food since the highchair. Not much of a conversationalist at meals. My stomach remained fisted. Trying to shove food into it wasnt a good idea but there was no way I was going to let Brady think he could get the upper hand. We sat, the three of us firing silent bullets. Fortunately, Brady was not only a perv, but a fast eater. Maybe he was a fast eater because he was a perv, I dont know. But soon he crunched his orange and yellow wrappers between his meaty palms, grinned and stood. He left his trash on the table and walked over. He towered over me, and stared into my eyes. Ten seconds. Twenty. My heart whammed against my ribs. Move on, dude, Luke warned. Brady snickered and sauntered out. Like a deflated tire, I sank against the seat, my roaring heart slowing. I reached for my drink and gulped down the Diet Coke. Can you believe that guy? Lukes hand trembled as he reached for a bunch of fries. I should have stuffed my fist in his face. Im really pissed. I can see that. He pushed fries into his mouth. Man, he blew out. Whats his problem, anyway? Hes a loser and he cant live with himself. Kevins way more chill than Brady. My cell phone vibrated and I dug it out. A number I wasnt familiar with. u r syco Panic broke loose inside my chest. I did a search in my phone for the number. who is this brady well ur a perv rapist i didnt rape anybody and id never touch u U kissed me at westons you jerk That silenced him. What a loser. I couldnt unload the fear inside of me, though. What was the vindictive attitude I sensed from Brady? Where did he get off? My lunch gurgled in my stomach, ready to come up my throat and spew. I took a deep breath. I need to hit the bathroom. Im almost done, Luke said. But he still had another burger and half of his fries. I patted his shoulder, got up and went into the restroom, locking the steel door at my back. Nine In tune with the gray sky, falling slush and bone-biting temperature days came and went without significant change in the unforgiving winter. Time passing did not ease my desire to see Matthias. I still loved him. I craved knowing what had happened to him. Not seeing Aunt Janis regularly didnt help. I guess we were getting too good at taking care of Abria ourselves, because days went by without herat least, I hadnt seen her. I started wondering if Id lost my gift. I wouldnt put it to the test, even though I was curious. Only an ingrate wouldnt have respect for powers I didnt fully comprehendand had absolutely no control of. Three things bothered me: the never ending question I had about Matthias whereabouts, Brady taunting me and Weston. Id only know about Matthias by the grace of God, and as the weeks dragged on, my iron will didnt hold up very well, vacillating from anger to submission then back to frustration. Mortality meant that I could control what was in my lifeand I hadbut not what was going on in the life yet to come. Every time I saw Brady in the hall at school, or drivingwhereverhe locked on me like a bear on a rabbit. The worst part was the rumors he started about me being possessed. Britt did her best to squelch those, hammering anybody she came across spreading malicious stories. Even Chase told me hed threatened a couple of freshmen hed overheard gossiping. But Bradys influence wasnt something to be easily disregarded. He hadnt played first string football and friend to Weston without garnering some fame and position for himself. Weston lurked like a mystery. Every time I turned around at school he was there, watching me with that piercing stare of mixed messages. What did he want? Britt was sure he was watching her, but I felt his gaze penetrate beneath my skin and knew where his eyes really wereon my soul. I didnt have the heart to tell Britt. Each encounter with Weston left her more and more excited that he was coming back to her. In journalism, I struggled with writing the article. I had two days until deadline and I broke out in a sweat every time I sat facing the computer. Chase stood over my shoulder, and his presence didnt help. Having a hard time? he finally asked. I thought this would be easy to write, but its not. Ask yourself, if you opened the paper and saw the headline: Words from a victim. Or, a victim speaks out. Or, I survived. Or whatever, what would your curious mind demand? I glared at him. He shrugged, taking a step back. Just suggesting. Youre cutting it close to deadline, Zoe. I know, I know. I put my fingers on the keyboard. I could take a vindictive stance, but how many articles like that had already been written? And I didnt have any spite for the driver. People get whats coming to them eventually. I started typing. Dear driver, A few weeks ago, you hit me with your car. Do you remember? Has sitting in an austere jail cell cleared your head and enabled you to think about what happened that night? I hope it has for your sake. And for the sake of other drivers you could endanger by being on the road, driving under the influence. I dont know whether or not you think about me, but I made it through. Im sure you are relieved. Now, you wont have a manslaughter charge on your hands. Im not angry. I dont know if that matters to you. What I hope is that you think about what happened even if only from a self-centered point of view - so you dont drive under the influence ever again. That night, I saw bright lights, heard your brakes scream with mine, and felt shards slice my skin. That night, even though I saw you coming at me and knew there was going to be an accident, I wasnt afraid. I was calm, because I was clean. I was going about my life, doing what I was supposed to do. If my life had ended as a result of that accident, I wouldnt have worried or felt fear. What did you feel? Ive come to realize that our actions bring us peace or fear. I was minding my own, law-abiding business so I felt no fear. You, on the other hand, got in your car and drove when your head wasnt screwed on right. Maybe you didnt feel anything that night. Maybe fear came after, as sobriety sunk in and reality clamped chains around your soul. Maybe you still havent felt fear or sorrow for your decision to drive under the influence. I dont know and doubt I ever will. It doesnt matter. I forgive you either way. Peace is more important to me than vengeance. I stared at my words. I saved the doc and sent it to Chase via email. My stomach fluttered, waiting. I peered at him out the corner of my eye. He leaned close to the screen, played with the mouse, then looked over at me. I nodded. His gaze went back to the screen and he read. Finally, he looked over and gave me two enthusiastic thumbs up. Relief sighed through me. I sent a copy to Mr. Brewer and pulled out my cell phone. Britt. lets go clubbing 2nite i need a man When I thought about hunting in dark, music-throbbing hangouts reeking of beer and bodies, I shuddered. My mind reverted back to Westons house; to the black spirits Id seen crawling all over everybody like rats scavenging corpses. lets talk later k Zoe? I jerked my gaze up and to my right. Chase stared at me from behind his glasses. I snapped my phone shut. How long had he been standing there? Did he read my message from Britt? Yeah? He shifted. Looked like crickets were in his boxers. Uh. Would you...if you dont have plans tonight, do you want to go bowling? Bowling? Im not much of a bowler, Chase. Id never been and didnt care to stand in some warehouse, throwing eighty-pound balls around. Oh. Its fun. You should try it. He licked his lips, pushed his glasses up his nose. He looked so little boyish, I couldnt say no. Besides, Chase would be a safe social activity. No black spirits. Sure. Shock whitened his cheeks and his mouth fell open for a minute before he let