Penitence (2010) (10 page)

crumbling to my knees in sobs. How long I cried, I dont know, but the purge left me feeling some relief, even if that relief was temporary. I wiped my eyes, looked around at the wood and iron staircase, the brass chandelier overhead, at the pastoral paintings on the walls and was grateful for home. If I couldnt be with Matthias in Heaven, home with my family was the next best place for my wounded heart to heal. Even if healing took a lifetime. Look at you, bawling like a baby on the floor. Matthias would not dig this. Get up and get your act together. I stood and took a deep breath. I went into the kitchen, hucked my backpack on the counter and crossed to the refrigerator. Eat something. Eating anesthetizes. But nothing looked appetizing. I shut the door. Scuffling at the front door drew my attention in the direction of the entry hall. The alarm beeped, signaling that the front door was open. Then I heard running. Abria zoomed past me. The door slammed. Heavy footsteps. Luke appeared, teetering. His dazed eyes moved in slow motion from Abria, who was running in circles around the family room couch, to me. The school called. The bus broke down. His tongue sounded as thick as a snake caught in his mouth. He crossed to the loveseat and flopped. You picked her up and you were high? My veins bubbled with shock. Hed been clean. Why had he relapsed? I wanted to take his scruffy mop of blond hair in my fists and shake him. They called me, what was I supposed to do? Have them call me or Mom or Dad. They tried that. His bloodshot, hooded eyes avoided mine. No one picked up the phone. I dug my phone out of my pocket. No missed calls. I couldnt believe theyd let her go with him. Hadnt they seen that he was loaded? But then not everyone saw the signs. To a novice, Luke could simply appear tired. Still, I couldnt believe hed driven her home. You should have called me. I would have Have what? he shouted. Your car is totaled, Zoe. Remember? He pushed off of the couch and stomped out of the room. Its not like I wanted to drive like this. You think Im stupid? Im sorry, youre right. Abria laughed like a hyena. The louder arguments got, the higher the pitch of her laugh. Stop it! I clutched my fists. Closed my eyes. Oh no, please dont let this happen all over again: the fighting, the anger, the ugliness. Zoe. My heart stopped. Silence. I kept my eyes squeezed closed. If Id imagined the beautiful voice, I wouldnt do anything to keep myself from hearing it again, even if only in my imagination. Zoe. My eyes opened. I whirled around. Ten Matthias stood under the arch that led to the entry. His hands hung at his sides slightly extended as if he wanted to reach out to me, but was holding himself in check. His crystal blue eyes glistened under a tentative expression of joy and something I couldnt pinpoint, but stirred my heart into a frightened pound. Youre here. Youre finally here. My insides filled with joy, ready to burst. Still, I didnt move. If I did, would he vanish? The idea crushed me. I wouldnt take my eyes off him ever again. He dipped his head, stuffed his hands into his front pockets and then met my gaze. Where have you been? Ive been sick thinking about you, wondering. Please, tell me where youve been. Are you okay? I asked. He nodded. Im fine. His soothing voice oozed into me and I closed my eyes, savoring it. Thank you, God. Gratitude filled my eyes with tears, and they slipped down my cheeks. Joy surged from each cell, overflowing like a tide out of control until my limbs shook. I wanted to laugh and weep. I opened my eyes. As if an invisible force pulled me his direction, I slowly crossed the room to him. I thought Id never see you again. Albert Albert? His expression grew stony. He was here? I nodded, stepping closer. At school. He told me you sent him to I didnt send him, Zoe. Matthias drove his hands through his hair, his grave expression freezing my pulse. What happened? Is something wrong? I didnt send him to you. Whatever he told you was not truth. Matthiass hands slid down his face and fell in knotted fists at his sides. Tell me what happened. He... hes been hanging at school. Hanging? I thoughthe said he was sent to take your place. Matthias eyes closed and his head tilted back. The air around us drew crisp. What? I whispered. His gaze met mine again. My father is not a guardian, Zoe. Hes... His cheeks flushed a deep scarlet. Hes very dangerous. You must not speak to him again. Understand? I nodded. I didnt want to waste precious time arguing about Albert. I wanted to know where hed been, what was going on. I wanted to touch him. His blue eyes drew sharp. I continued toward him, but confusion jumped in time with my beating heart. I didnt stop until the toes of my shoes nearly touched his. Until I took a deep breath and his unique scent so clean and completely filling, caused me to close my eyes in bliss I dared to enjoy. I lifted my hands, every nerve in me straining to feel him again. He stepped back. My heart crashed to a halt in my chest. No. Anguish crossed his features. He lowered his head, as if gathering the strength and courage to tell me something grave. I couldnt move, stunned that he was refusing my touch. What did this mean? That we were back to the beginning? What? What? Tell me! After a long, heavy quiet, he raised his eyes to mine. I cant be your guardian. Not for a time, anyway. Why? You have your life to live. His tone was gentle and penetrating, but the comforting assurance of truth he offered skipped like stones across the surface of my soul. I cant stop that. No matter how much I love you. His words sunk like heavy led weights down, down, down, taking my heart to the abyss of hopelessness. You... love me... Yes. And that will never change. But I broke a law when I saved you that night. You saved me. I thought that was what you did. He nodded. Yes. But I inflicted them with You stopped them from raping me. You did what you had to do. You I broke a law. I imposed my will. And for a time, I am unable to be assigned to you. Im sorry. His blue eyes flashed with regret and warning: I shouldnt question him further. But I was wound tight like the blades of a helicopter ready to crash. I took a step. He jerked back. My heart squeezed. The silence between us was unbearable. My dream of seeing him and being with him again was turning into a hellish nightmare. Forgive me. Why are you asking me to forgive you? I whispered, still unable to believe what he was telling me. Because I changed the course of your life by loving you. I closed my eyes, unable to stare into the honest and pure truth of his any longer. More tears swept down my cheeks. From the family room, Abrias light mutterings reminded me that she was home. Id totally forgotten about her. In a feeble attempt to distract myself, I turned to see where she was. My body trembled. Breath skipped in shallow dips. Though I looked at her standing on the kitchen table, grinning, I was so aware of Matthias standing behind me, I was hardly conscious of being. Abria had a bag of unopened Fritos in her hands. Open the bag. Go, Zoe. I strode to her, my cheeks, wet with tears, cooling against the air. I wiped at them. Then I snatched the bag from Abrias hands and ripped into it, causing chips to scatter to the tabletop. She laughed, squatted down and started pushing handfuls into her mouth. I gripped the table to steady my shaking body. How can you do this to me? Come here and break my heart like this? I shook my head, covered my mouth with the back of my hand, biting flesh until I tasted blood. This cant be right. Hes playing some mean joke. This cant be real. Desperate thoughts reached for rationalization, but truth overpowered flimsy excuses. Stop. Stop this. Its not his fault. Zoe. His warmth pulsed into my back. Hed come closer. The nearness of his voice stole into my soul and wrapped around me in an embrace he could not give. Hold me. I dont care ifits wrong. Please. A sob choked my throat. I whirled around and glared at him. Why did you come here? To torment me with something I cant have? How could you hold me in Paradise like that and then come here and tell me its over? He held my gaze without a blink until my knees shook from his powerful, penetrating presence. My question was out of line. Disrespectful. But I was frustrated and angry. My soul lay at his feet. Forgive me. So... My voice was tattered. I tried to navigate my way through rocky anger, but lost my prideful footing with his request. Tears raced behind my eyes and I blinked them back, refusing to show him how deeply hurt I was. How long? I dont know. How can you not know? I thought you knew everything. Shouldnt that be part of it? Knowing everything? I dont know everything, Ive told you that before. My station, like yours, has limits. But even this is not the end so I dont question, I obey. I hate that word. Long moments of aching silence passed, punctuated only by Abrias crunching somewhere behind me. Tears streamed down my cheeks in spite of my vain efforts to hold them back. His gaze traced the tears, pain drawing his chiseled features taut. He stepped closer, then stopped himself and the spear hed thrust in my heart with his declaration went deeper. My heart had already forgiven him. When I closed my eyes and saw his smile and searched my memory for the moments wed shared in Paradise, serenity enveloped me. But the moment I laid eyes on his physical body and looked into the purity of his eyes, my head couldnt forgive him for what I would now be denied. I swallowed a rock that had lodged in my throat. Youre still Abrias guardian? The finest thread of hope unwound inside of me. At least I could see him. He nodded. Yes. Though Aunt Janis was kind enough to step in for me during my absence. Relief. I nodded. It was cool seeing her. But I missed you. I guess thats better than nothing. He didnt say anything, just held me with his eyes. I tore my gaze away and looked at Abria, now sitting with her legs spread on the tabletop, Fritos everywhere like yellow chunks of confetti. Like a wind-up doll she scooped handfuls of the crispy chips into her mouth, over and over. Youre going to be sick eating all those. I crossed to her and gathered her into my arms. She moaned and reached for the table and spilled Fritos so I set her on her feet. Mostly because I needed something to do with my hands, to quell the desire I had to touch Matthias. Out the corner of my eye his soft white glowing form remained. My heart ached. Hes here. Zoe, enjoy this moment and every moment you have with him. Now that he wasnt my guardian, I could think what I wanted, and he couldnt hear me, right? I can still hear your thoughts, Zoe. Once a connection like ours is made, its always in place. Oh... well... thats.... He nodded and stepped closer. Thats mercy, isnt it? he asked. I nodded. Whatever scrap of intimacy he could share with me, Id take. Thats ...good. Im glad, I murmured, unable to take my gaze from his. How long did we have? Id spend every second looking at him, locked in a destiny of look but dont touch and forever want. If you would like me to have Aunt Janis come back, I No. Seeing you... with Abria... is better than not seeing you at all. Are we being punished? We arent being punished. He inched closer. This universe runs harmoniously because there are laws. When those laws are broken, there are consequences. My throat thickened. I hate that law. It sucks. He wasnt amused, didnt approve of my dissing subjects he regarded with respect, but I wasnt going to make excuses for myself. Why didnt I just stay with you in Paradise to begin with? I bit out. It wasnt your time to pass through yet. Did you know that? That night in the car, before the accident, did you know I was going to be in an accident? I told you, I am sent as a protector and comforter. Specifics are not made known to me. So... in Paradise... your feelings... the things you said to me... My feelings havent changed, Zoe. He reached out his hand, held it in the space between us, his eyes earnest, his body and aura suddenly swamping me with a warm, complete rush of love so encompassing, I tingled and sparked from toe to head. An involuntary breath rushed through my lungs, cleansing and pure, infusing me with him. I looked at his extended hand and slowly reached for it, my own hand trembling with longing. I wont touch you, I thought, wanting to reassure him. Our fingertips hovered parallel, two fragile butterflies eager to join in oneness. My eyes lifted to his. Undeviatingly, he looked into my heart. Whatever life holds for you, you will have the feelings of my heart in yours. My vision blurred through a sudden rush of tears. I nodded. I know. But how can I live with you out of my reach? I dont think I can do it. I dont want to. You can. The heat of his hand surged upward into my palm, then spread out like silky fingers of reassurance. The heart is not limited to just one love. Mine is. Emotion tore my voice. He smiled. You feel that way now, but there will be many chaps who will come into your life and No. I snapped my hand back to my side. Dont say that. You dont know that. You cant know. Therell never be anyone like you. How can you think I would settle for some lame substitute after knowing you? His grin softened. He slipped his hands into the depths of his front pockets. Im flattered. But youre mortal, Zoe. So that makes me some weak-hearted female? Is that what youre saying? Im saying you could have many years of life to live here on Earth. You dont see yourself living them alone, do you? But Id have you. Im Abrias guardian. Not your deceased romantic interest, floating around in your closet. A grin broke the taut tension in my face. He smiled, too, and a pretty shade of tulip pink colored his cheeks. You wouldnt have to stay in my closet. Theres my bearcat. He reached out again, and his fingers came so close to skimming my arm, I shuddered. He retracted his hand. How long will it take before I dont want to touch you? I whispered. He let out a sigh as if the question caused him pain. As long as it will take me to stop wanting you. That will never happenhis thought melted into mine. Youre talking to one, right now. Lukes low voice broke the invisible, tight chords between Matthias and me. I whipped around. He stood near the table, but he wasnt looking at Abria, who now lay prostrate in the remaining Fritos, waggling her arms and legs as if she was in the snow making a snow angel. His eyes fastened on Matthias. I looked from Matthias to Luke to Matthias, then back to Luke again. Lukes eyes were alert and round. I see him. His pointing finger trembled. Hes standing right there. Im not sure what youre seeing, I said, not sure what to think, say or do at this point. Luke was high. How could he possibly see something divine under the influence? Didnt that defy Divinity? Matthias remained calm, his posture erect, sure, powerful. Around us, the air charged