penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (45 page)

He then turned to Blake who pulled the ring from his pocket and put it in Wynn’s hand. Wynn looked at it in his palm and smiled before he started to place it on my finger. He held my eyes as he spoke
to me. “I liked hers better,” he said as he began his promise with the ring and looked at Sid who rolled his eyes with a smile. “Well except the first part is different. With this ring that my
grandmother
forged herself, I promise to
always
say the words that must be said
.
I promise with this ring to always choose to surround you with my love, every day I am on this Earth.” Then he lifted my hand up to his lips and kissed the ring and my knuckle and joy from it radiated all the way to my toes.

I looked down at the wedding ring my husband put on my finger and every ounce of the love and beauty he possessed
was in one piece of jewelry. I didn’t think it possible, but the formation reminded me of Wynn and I wondered how his grandmother was able to do such a thing, without ever having met him.

“Now,” Sid said
. “By the power vested in me by this great state and the internet, I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs., Wynn and Hannah Hawthorne. You can kiss her now, Wynn.”

Then as the love of our family and friends mingled with the sound of birds singing in the distance, he did just that.

I stood on the back porch of Claire’s house and watched Hannah trace her hand across the top of the flowers that started to turn brown as autumn approached. It was two weeks since Henry died and though it was hard for her to see him die, Hannah held herself with the same strength she always did. I used to wonder how someone so delicate could carry so much weight, but now I saw her differently. She wasn’t delicate at all. She was the strongest person I knew. Her encouragement helped me find my dreams and my home and we were now making a life together.

Her father held on for a few months longer than they anticipated and he cherished every moment of getting to know her all over again. I was thankful that I was able to know the man. Though he lived through many bad years in his life, he spent his last few months making changes. I was so proud of Hannah for forgiving herself and her father.

She showed me how important that was and I even began to forgive my mother. It has been a struggle and I have to continually do it, but I came to the understanding that though she did bad things and she hurt me terribly, forgiving her was important. I couldn’t go on in my life and embrace all the possibilities Hannah and I were to have, if I let those demons cling to me.

So in the peace of the love that I felt surrounding me, I walked toward
Hannah and met her under the cherry tree that was now preparing for fall like the flowers were.

“They’re both here now
,” she said with a smile. There were no longer tears when she thought of them, only if they were from the happiness she felt as she recalled the good memories.

“Yes they are
,” I said as I pulled her into me. She pulled my shirt up to look at my waist, like she did every moment she could since I got her quote tattooed on me. I smiled as she traced her fingers across it, pushing my nerves into overdrive and causing me to pull her into me, wanting to get home as soon as possible.

“I will never get tired of looking at this
.” She smiled her usual free spirited smile.

“
You still will even when I am an old hairy man with a belly?” I asked as I kissed her temple.

“Even then
,” she said, keeping my shirt pulled up, admiring my tattoo. I looked down at her handwriting on me. I didn’t want just a random font, she wrote out her quote and Sid tattooed it on me. She looked up at me and recited it as she held my eyes. “Freedom is found through living. Joy is found through forgiveness. Truth is found through love.”

It is a constant process. None of them are found and then held forever. We learned you have to actively fight for each of them.

I held her hand as we walked back to the front of the house and climbed onto our bike.

As her arms tightened around me and we began to drive away I remembered what we said to each other on our wedding night. We made love and spent the rest of the evening talking like we usually did together. “You can’t promise someone to love forever. That isn’t possible. But you can promise to choose to love them every day
,” she said. “I’m glad we didn’t promise forever.” I agreed with her then, and I still did now.

Love is an active choice to remain in every moment. I would like to believe that we were going to live happily ever after without being haunted by our memories. But we would be lying to ourselves if we believed that were true. Just as we were choosing to continue in our love and moments together, we were choosing to not let our past dictate our future. And even though I have started seeing him less, I still remember Stinson, any time we find ourselves falling back into dark memories
we are reminded of what he said.

We grab hold of those dark thoughts and accept that they are there, but don’t let them cont
rol us. We are free from our pasts and not longing for the future, but we are claiming our moments together. Despite any pain that comes back to haunt us, we choose to love each other through it and that is our truth.

This book was a journey for me.
  Loss is such a difficult part of life that unfortunately as human beings each of us has to face at some point in our lives.  The commonality that I have learned each of us share is that we truly just want to be seen and heard in our despair and sometimes that can only be done in complete silence without words. This book is dedicated to loved ones I have lost and I am forever thankful for the precious moments I am able to claim as ours.

 
As I was researching for this book, my heart broke as I learned so much about the pain that adult men of abuse face.  Many not only carry the burden of the memory of their abuse, but they also are forced into silence because of a society that doesn’t understand or seek to help them in their pain.  If you or someone you know is carrying this with them, please reach out to the amazing people at
www.malesurvivor.org

Rob. You have been with me through some of the darkest points in my life and you have always held me up with your strength and patience with me as I worked through things. I’m a better person from having you in my life. You have
shown me that my value comes from listening to myself and following through with my dreams. Despite how crazy I may seem at times, you have always seen
me
and I thank you for pushing me to continue on, even when I felt like I wanted to give up on this. Also, and my biggest thank you to you is for ALWAYS reminding me to back my stuff up! And to make sure I back it up multiple times in multiple places. I love you more than you may realize—every time I scowl at you for interrupting me while I’m writing, just remember I’m really saying, “I love you.”

Lil’ Miss.
  Thank you for inspiring me to pursue my dreams, because I know that I can’t tell you to pursue yours and not show the same determination to achieve my own.  You can do anything you put your mind to and I’m so very proud of you.  You have been so understanding as I have sat in front of the computer for so many long hours to finish this and I promise, one day we might get you a pet monkey…maybe.  (Also, I haven’t forgotten about the tree house either.) 

Eda aka Emily!
  Ever since we first rounded our wagons together and you told me that you watched all the extended edition LOTR movies with the commentary on, I knew we were meant to be. I thank you for the endless hours of discussing and analyzing fictional characters and reminding me that I’m not alone when it comes to thinking of them as real people.  But, I thank you the most for always being my biggest cheerleader when it came to this story.  You are the perfect ISTP to compliment my INFP and I’m madly and totally in friend love with you. Introverts-unite! (Max- thank you for being okay with this love I share with your wifey.)

Dad thank you for running that mile with me so many years ago and for sharing with me your love of words—that story you always tell of “
No, Daddy, I want to keep going
,” has been a constant reminder that pushed me in times when I didn’t think I could finish this book. This has been one of the most difficult races for me to pursue. But when I felt like giving up, I heard your voice in my ear saying, “Come on Pink, you can do it.”

Mom, thank you for always telling me I needed to write my story.
  Though this isn’t my own particular story, it was the story that needed to come out of me and I can’t thank you enough for your support.

To all of my many extended family members and close friends that have spent endless moments listening to me go on and on about this endeavor—Thank you for always smil
ing and giving a listening ear. I love each and every one of you dearly. I’m seriously blessed to have such amazing people in my life.

Susan Kalior- I can’t thank you enough for your amazing spirit.
  I started reading your books five years ago and they are some of the most moving I have ever had the privilege to own. You are an inspiration to me and I will always cherish the encouraging words you have given to a girl you’ve never met. Thank you!

And lastl
y, David Wong aka Jason Pargin. I don’t know you. I have never met you.  But without your article
, 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person
, this book would not have existed and for that I will always be eternally grateful.  Your article pissed me the fuck off at first, but in the end, it totally made me a better person, because it kicked my ass into gear to pursue my dream.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

My senior year of high school we were asked where we would be in ten years.
 I was quick to reply with already having traveled the world and I would be working for National Geographic as a photographer or doing special effects artistry for movies. I also said I would have written a book or two. 

Fifteen years after that high school declaration, I have traveled to many different countries, but never worked for National Geographic or the movie industry.
 But photography is a passion of mine, right along with writing.  My first book was written in 2013 on a whim.  I decided I was going to quit talking about my dreams and was going to make them happen.

I grew up on three acres of land in a small town in Illinois and I now live in a slightly larger town, with my husband and daughter, two dogs, and very active imagination.
 

Curious about Wynn’s quotes?
please visit my website to find out mor
e
.

http://www.sarahbuhl.com/books/penance/wynns-quotes/

www.sarahbuhl.com

https://www.facebook.com/AuthorSarahBuhl

Or you can contact me at
:
 
[email protected]