penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (42 page)

“Did you just giggle?” I asked as I gave him a playful shove, avoiding his declaration
. “You made fun of my snorting and you giggled?”

“Yes, yes I did. Don’t judge me,
” he said with his normal deep laugh. “I'm serious though, my next quote will be yours."

"Okay
,” I said as I snuggled next to him as he pulled me into his arms and we fell into a deep, sated, peaceful, sleep. 

The next morning, the light touch of lips on the inside of my wrist woke me and I moaned in pleasure as I opened my eyes to his gorgeous smile looking up at me. His hair was a mess, but he had it pulled back in one of my hair ties. He was gorgeous. His own excitement at seeing me pressed against my leg and I wanted nothing more than him inside me again. As if he could read my mind he lowered himself to me and we faced the day the same way we ended it the previous night. Only this time, we were more comfortable with each other and in that comfort he held my heart more with every touch.

When we finished he rolled to the side of me with a groan. “We have to do that more often
.” He smiled at me. “I’m not sure why we waited so long,” he deadpanned.

“I agree and we may need to contact Stinson. I'm worried about the distance between us.” I said with a laugh and climbed out of bed. I looked b
ack and found he watched me walk from the room, so I made sure to sway my hips even more.

He groaned again as he covered his head with the pillow then threw it at me. It fell short and landed on the floor just inside the door as I turned toward the bathroom. I screamed when I walked past the kitchen as a man
stood just outside the window working on trimming back the weeds that grew around it. Wynn came running in to see what was wrong and when he found me hiding behind the chair he laughed.

“You do realize that wooden chair is not hiding you, right?”
he asked, leaning against the door frame and smiling coyly at me. I gave him a crooked scowl for taking the time to throw his boxers on before running to save me. “I remember you sitting in the nude for an hour while people drew you. Where did this shyness come from, Hannah?”

“That’s different you turd. It’s for art. This is in my own home and I didn’t expect to have someone watching me from the window
.” I stood and waved my hand toward the window and kitchen as I stood on my toes meeting his eyes and touching our noses. I didn't hide myself to him and stood without shame, naked before him.

“First, he wasn’t watching you, he’s doing lawn
work. Second, say that again.” He smiled as he leaned in and put his arms around me.

“Say what again?” I asked.

“
My own home,
which was seriously the hottest thing you have ever said, especially since it was in passing. It just
was
, without a second thought.” He smirked and then slapped my butt as he scooted past me to get to the bathroom first.

"My own home
,” I said as I watched him walk away from me and he put a sway in his hips trying to mimic mine. "You're a dork,” I said as I went back to our room to hook my mp3 player up to my miniature speaker I brought with me. I knew just what song to start as I grabbed his tee shirt from the floor and pulled it over my head.

Wynn came out of the bathroom as the song began and he smiled at me. "This song,"
he said as he pointed at the bedside table where I set my mp3 player. "This song is perfection, much like you, Hannah Anderson."

I smiled at him as I settled into his tee shirt. I poked my head out of the collar and began to dance toward the kitchen as he watched me with a smile of his own. "I bought it after you mentioned it that first day we had coffee."

"I hoped you would. It reminded me of you."

"I know it did and it still does, I can see by how you look at me. So it reminds me of you in return. I can't tell you how many times I have listened to it over the last few weeks
.” I smiled as I walked backwards toward the bathroom.
I love this man.
Those were the words that replayed in my thoughts and heart every time I looked at him.
I love him.

We cleaned up more around the cottage and met Joe at the main house to discuss what needed to be done around his property. We told him about my father and he insisted that going to my family was more important than working on things around our home. He was going to take care of it and we were not to worry. He
smiled at us as he took in our closer proximity today. Several times he told us how much we reminded him of his lost friends. He even told me that I had the same spirit as Evie and I saw Wynn give me a look of pure adoration when he listened to Joe compare me to his grandmother.

It was late morning by the time we made it to my parents’ farm. It was easier to go there today after the reconciliation we had the previous day. I worried as I thought of discussing the details of my father’s condition. As hard of a relationship we had had, I didn’t want to see him suffer. I couldn't hate him anymore. He was trying to make amends for his mistakes. What I had learned in my short life, when amends are to be made, the best way to do so is with love and forgiveness.

I took my dad out to our back porch and we sat on our swing together for several hours. We spent the time sitting together as I read to him and he sometimes listened, but most of the time he slept. Wynn gave me my time with my father as he helped my mother around the house. It had fallen into worse shape as my father had grown sicker. They always kept everything, never throwing even the newspapers out. My father said his father taught it to him, and his father taught him.  The great depression instilled a fear of being without necessities. Which in turn made them look like hoarders to others, but we were never without because of their obsession.

I could tell both my parents adored Wynn. I think my
dad appreciated his candor with him. Wynn confronted him on where he was wrong with me and it made me proud every time I looked at him. He stood up for me when no one else ever had. I watched Wynn as he helped my mom fix their lawnmower and then he took it out to mow around the house and pick up any garbage strewn across the lawn.

He waved to me and gave me a smile before he pulled his sweat covered shirt off in the way I told him I loved to watch. He used it to wipe his brow and the sweat from his body. He even gave it a sniff before wagging his eyebrows at me, which caused a smile to form across my face.
He lowered his sunglasses to give me a wink and a grin, admiring the effect he had on me before he went back to work.

My mom glanced my way and smiled as she looked at Wynn and then approached me. “He sur
e has a lot of tattoos, sweetie,” she said as we both admired his back.

“Yes, he does and every one of them is beautiful
,” I responded and kept my eyes locked onto him.

“I remember when your father and I first met. He was mowing the same stretch of lawn and I was stopping by here to drop off a pie from my grandmo
ther. He was right out there,” she said as she pointed to the tree line. “He was riding this old tractor trying to make sure not to hit his newly planted cherry trees. When he gave me that smile of his I knew there was no coming back from him,” she said as she looked over at him now sleeping on the porch swing. “I know we didn’t do right for you and Lily throughout the years. But we loved you girls more than anything.” She leaned down and kissed my father’s head, then kissed mine.

“How long does he have,
Mom?” I asked what I had been dreading.

“They say
a couple months, sweetheart,” she said with tear filled eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I asked as I put my hand over her own that she had resting on my dad’s.

“Because he didn’t want to burden you with it and he already caused so much damage, he didn’t want you to pity him, because he didn’t deserve it,” she said with sadness.

“He did teach me well, didn't he? I've said the same thing myself
,” I said with a smile as I looked over at my father sleeping in the swing as I rocked it back and forth with my legs.

“He loved you girls so much. When that happened to Lily
.” She put her hand to her mouth as if she could hold the memory and her tears back with it. “When that happened, when she was so little, your father lost it.” She looked at me. “No one should have to go through that, let alone a child. Your father, in his own way, thought that if he sheltered you girls, you would be better for it. It broke him when it happened to Lily. He wanted her to be able to live as girl should without people looking at her as being the abused little girl. In our fault though, we made her believe that she had to bottle it up inside her instead of facing her demons.”

S
he looked over at the man that used to scare me and keep me up at night, but now rested in his final days. “We all have to face our demons, Hannah, if we don’t, they eat us up inside and steal every breath away.”

My father’s breath started increasing and his shoulders sagged more than they did before and I could see he was awake, but didn’t want to face us, yet. My mother saw it too and gave my leg a pat before leaving the porch and going back in the house. I watched Wynn as he drove the mower around the flower field. His back was to us and as his arms moved the steering wheel, the angelic gargoyle on his back looked as if his wings were preparing to lift him
 in flight.

“He’s a good boy, Hannah
,” my father said as awoke next to me. I turned my eyes toward him and saw the accepting look that formed on his face. “I’m happy you’ve found each other.”

“Me too, Daddy
,” I said as I put my arm around his back and rested my head on his shoulder. At hearing me say Daddy, he took in a quick breath and I saw him pull his lip in to hold back tears.

“I want to tell you how sorry I am Hannah, but I don’t as well.”

I looked up at him in question as he continued. “If I tell you I’m sorry it means you can give your forgiveness, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I was a stubborn young man and I’m a stubborn old man. The last words I spoke to your sister haunt me and I can’t get her forgiveness, so I don’t deserve yours. I have faced those demons of mine and I accept that whatever may come after I leave this world is fine by me. I’m happy enough knowing that I’m leaving you and your mother in good hands. It was a blessing to live with three amazing women in this life and that is more forgiveness than I deserve,” he said with a sigh.

“You can’t decide if I forgive you or not, Daddy
,” I said as I kissed his weathered cheek. “That’s my decision, not yours. And I do forgive you.”

Tears slid from his eyes as he looked over the field he helped create toward his cherry trees. “Those trees show all the years your mother and I have shared and every time I look at them I remember every moment in love I have spent with her and you girls. It made my heart swell watching you two play in them and lay out there at night watching th
e stars. My two little girls...”

He
let his tears fall now as he thought of my sister. He turned toward me and pulled my hand into his calloused and clammy one. “Hannah, you need to forgive yourself, honey,” he said with a tear filled smile. He looked so much older than he was, as the cancer was aging him faster every day. My eyes swelled as I looked at him and thought on what he said. I pulled my lip in and lowered my chin.

Even if I was not the sole cause of her death, I still played a part in it. I was working on moving forward and my love with Wynn was helping it, but there will come days when I remember and I blame myself. I didn't have expectations of everything being perfect forever. But I was coming to the understanding that forgiving myself would be the first step to healing.

It was going to be much harder than forgiving him. The customer from years ago in the cafe was right. "Forgiving yourself is a son of a bitch,” I said aloud and it brought a laugh from my father that was different than any I heard. The cancer had taken to his lungs and he gasped for air and I lifted my hand to help him, but he waved it away. His eyes held pure joy as he laughed and laughed and shook his head. Then I thought of something. “If I forgive myself, you need to promise to forgive yourself too,” I said as I met his eyes and his smile faltered.

His breathing calmed as he let out a long sigh
. “Okay, we’ll forgive ourselves together. If that is what I need to do for you to forgive yourself, I will.”

Then, the conversation became lighter as we spoke of my sister and remembered the fun times I pushed away in my penance. I understood in that moment sitting with my father, the way to truly live. If you only let yourself remember the hard times, those demons will consume you. You have to let the laughter and pure joy fill you up, so the demons have nothing left to hold and you can be free.

Wynn stopped the mower for a moment and was leaning on the wheel, just watching me. He wore an expression of pure joy and I chose to remember that moment. I was going to make sure that the last moments on this earth with my daddy were going to be the ones we always should have had and I knew we both would be okay.

Before I started mowing and cleaning up the pasture today, Claire brought me upstairs to give Hannah a moment with her father. It was far less cluttered upstairs than the lower level. She took me into Hannah’s room and as I watched Claire run her hand across Hannah's desk, she wore the loving expression of a proud mother.