penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (41 page)

I lay to the side of her and propped my head on my elbow. I ran my other hand up her thigh and then let it hover over her and I wanted to touch her and the old me wanted to run in fear. She watched me with heavy breaths and I closed my eyes as I lowered my hand to her. She was warm and wet and I had to squeeze my eyes tighter as I tried to pull myself back into the moment with her, willing memories away. Her hand touched my face and I opened my eyes.

“Don’t close your eyes, Wynn,” she said as she shook her head and gave me a soft expression. She leaned up to kiss my lips with such sensitivity it made me want to rush faster. I knew I had to keep it slow or I would just be stampeding over my past pain instead of conquering it. “Keep your eyes open and
see me
, only me.”

My hand was still resting on her and as I watched her eyes and saw her feelings pouring from her, my hand started to move. I let my fingers wander and explore her. As I watched her expressions, I saw what she liked and
remained in that place, drawing more from her. She pulled her lip in as I inserted a finger into her. She gave a slight lick to her lips and her eyes never left mine. She was pulling me along with her and I was helpless when it came to the overwhelming freedom that consumed me as I watched her. With every one of her looks, she was pulling me in and raising me up at the same time.

I slowly pulled my hand away and moved back between her legs and kissed the inside of her thigh. I didn’t think it was possible but she was even softer there. I looked up over her hips and she still had her eyes held fast on me. I lowered my mouth to her and let my tongue trace her and my eyes closed yet again. Not out of fear, but out of the pure pleasure of hearing the sound that came from her. Her breath had released on a groan that echoed through her body as I continued to let my tongue traverse her. I listened to every groan that escaped from her lips and when I heard it,
I learned to continue in the spot that she felt so deeply. She put her hand in my hair and as her fingers tightened in my scalp, I had to pull back and look at her.

She wrapped her hands around my arms and beckoned me with her eyes to come up toward her mouth. I slowly moved upward with touches of my lips across her abdomen and I passed her breasts to kiss her lips. I pulled her onto her side as I wrapped an arm under her, I let my other hand trace along her breast until I held it. I leaned my forehead against hers as I closed my eyes and on an exhaled breath said, “
You are so fucking soft.
”

She ran her cheek against mine and then kissed my ear. I traced my thumb across her nipple and she breathed softly and whispered, “Don’t stop, please.”

I let out a laugh. “I’m not going to, ever.” I lifted my head from hers and kissed her lips. As I continued to rub along her nipple, she could no longer hold her eyes open as they continued to close in the ecstasy I was causing in her. I lowered my mouth to the same nipple I had touched and let my tongue trace around it. It surprised me, how much she reacted to that. It was more of a reaction than anything I did previously. She rocked herself against my thigh between her legs, the harder I pulled her nipple into my mouth.

“Oh god, Wynn,” she said in desperate breaths
. “Please.” She begged me.

I used my thigh to guide her onto her back and I settled myself between her legs. My nervousness settled in my abdomen as I feared this moment. I could control myself when not touched there, but I wasn't sure how long I was going to last. This was all new to me. Sensing my hesitancy, she smiled at me and lowered her hand to guide me.

I braced myself for that first touch of her. I worried about what might happen in me as my fears flooded my thoughts. I was fighting all the memories that were bombarding me. Then, her hands barely touched me and it was so light, there was no way to confuse it with what I had once known. Her delicate touch was nothing like my memories that fought to destroy me. She was gentle, holding my eyes, and making the moment ours. My memories lost. I won.
Hannah
and I won.

She guided me into her and lowered her grasp to the base of me as with slow movements I entered her. As her warm tightness surrounded me, I held my breath and couldn’t help but close my eyes at how fucking amazing it was. I pushed myself up onto my hands and caged her between my arms. She looked at me and putting her hands to my face, she brought my eyes to hers.
Perfection.
In her eyes, I saw trust and passion. This moment was ours.

I tried to keep my eyes open through everything he did with me. I wanted him to see me and not his memories. But it proved impossible the more we progressed. I had to close them as he pushed further inside my heart than anyone ever had. He said he was going to make love to me and I questioned him at first. I didn't see how an act that everyone does could be different for us. I had sex before him. I had experience, but I had no experience with this. When I told him of my fear, I meant it. I was afraid of what this was going to mean for me. 

The memory of holding his hand for the first time danced behind my eyes and how I told him that it was in touch that we knew we were alive. They were words and a deeper part of me was screaming those words from inside myself, begging me to understand their
 truth. I had walls blocking the physical and emotional touch of others because I believed I should be dead just as Lily. I did not want to be alive then. How many times do we say things in life without comprehending them ourselves? Later we realize the truth we hid from our own understanding, thinking we are doing it for others but really, we are helping ourselves. I needed to listen to myself more.

I began to lift away from the pain that I lived in, because I couldn’t be in pain when I was with
Wynn. He reflected myself back to me, showing me I held the strength to be the person I was meant to be. He tore my walls apart and I was stepping into a whole new realm. It was this amazing man, touching me with such intimate movements that awakened me. Intimate, the word I feared most and now I knew why. It was because no one could show me my own purity as Wynn has. Our walls crashed into each other as soon as he entered my life. We were living.
Pure, free, living.

I forced my eyes open to find him watching me. I lifted my hands and grabbed onto his biceps that encased me, holding them as my body wrapped around him. He filled me completely, both physically and emotionally and any other term one could use. He filled me. We kept each other’s eyes held as he rested inside me and the fight tore across his face showing he wanted to lose control and abandon himself within me. His body was begging him to do it, but he kept his eyes focused on me, holding me to him, as if he saw me as a dream and didn't want to lose me. I shifted and my internal muscles pulsed against him.

“Oh fuck,” he said and I saw across his face the moment the pulse of my muscles reached him, and he lowered himself to rest on his forearms.

His hands held my cheeks and eyes to face him, as his fingers traced the tips of my ears. He was aware of every part of me and I him. My hands pulsed along his shoulders as I pushed my knees farther apart, moving one to rest against his side. He began to move in a rhythmic motion as he learned how to accept his own pleasure from me. He took what he needed and I willingly gave of myself and he gave back in return. This was no longer a depleting for me. I never held anyone's
eyes during sex. But this wasn't just sex. This was the same pull and push we experienced when we held hands. It was as though we had our own gravitational force. I was no longer held to Earth but to Wynn.

He touched my cheek in such a tender motion, as if I were glass and could shatter at any moment. His eyes no longer held fear and it was as though I could see his walls drop the rest of the way. He was free. He brought his lips to mine and his pace quickened, causing my breath to pulse from me. He kept his lips on mine and caught each one of my breaths as the intensity of it brought me to a moment of pure joy.
Joy
. It wasn't what I thought making love could ever be described as, but that was what this was. It was joy. I was happy, I was alive, I was in love, and I was whole. I pulled away from our kiss as the smile and joy filled me. He met my eyes and a smile formed on his face, mirroring mine.

I lifted my hand to his chin and touched his ears the way he found I loved to do. He turned his head toward my hand to kiss my wrist as I whispered, "Let go
.” I didn't want him to hold back with me and I wanted to fall with him into our moment. I breathed a deep breath and at the rise of my chest and pull of my abdominal muscles, I accepted one final thrust of his hips and we both let go at the same time.

He lowered himself back to his forearms and pushed my hair behind my ears. He had a warm glow to his skin, and his eyes were at peace. I kissed his temple and the salty taste of sweat dripped from his hair. He leaned over my forehead and kissed it in return and smiled at me. “I don’t want to pull away from you
,” he said with a smile making me laugh and I saw his shocked expression when he felt the laugh move through me and around him. “Holy shit that was weird,” he said as he brought another laugh from me. He kissed my nose. “Maybe I should keep making you laugh, because that feels pretty fucking cool, weird as hell, but cool.”

I laughed again and with slow movements, he removed himself from me. I gave him a smile
. “I feel empty without you, but I don’t
feel empty
,” I said as I sat abruptly as the realization of that hit. “I mean I'm incredibly alive right now and filled with this immense joy.” I turned to him and smiled. I wasn't numb. I was alive.

“Good,” h
e said as he pulled me back to bed and kissed my cheek. “That was my intention.” He put his arm under my shoulder and wrapped me to him. "I loved it, Hannah. I love you and I don't care that we haven't been together that long, I have to tell you.  I wanted you to be part of my life the first day I met you and you chose not to go through that door."

I laughed
. “Ugh, that door. Sorry I was such a bitch. But I don't care about time frames either. I've learned time is short for everyone here, so why waste it waiting for the right moment? Every moment has the potential to be right. There just isn't time to wait for the perfect moment. We have to make our moments.  I love you too, Wynn," I said then kissed his cheek this time and played with his whiskers before lying on his shoulder. “That was incredible,” I said as I ran my hand across his chest and traced my fingers across the tattoo he had over his heart. This one was Hemingway. I sat up and kissed the book that rested under it. The pages looked as if they were blowing in a breeze and pages had flown from it. “This is the first time I’ve looked closely to the detail in this one. It's beautiful. The last time I saw it I was too busy looking at your abs.” I smiled.

He pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my fingertips and then kissed my wrist where my tattoo lay. “You need something new here
,” he said as he looked at my tattoo.

“Okay. Will you do it?” I asked.

He furrowed his brow at me before speaking. “I don’t do tattoos,” he said and his thoughts drifted as if he were pondering something monumental.

“But you draw. You’ve been in Sid’s shop most of your life. I’m sure you know the logistics
,” I said and watched as realization as to what he should be doing with his life hit him and it was magnificent. “You can’t keep taking photos of crime scenes, Wynn. It’s eating you alive. Look at how you reacted to a job the other night. You are meant to do more than that. You've kept the job because being around death reminded you that you were living. We both need to live, Wynn.”

“You’re right, but to do tattoos, I will have to get past issues I have with touching people
.” He laughed. “Hell, I will have to work on being around people in general. Unless, Sid could rig something up where they are blocked from view except for the area where I’m working, like surgery.” He laughed again and met my eyes before continuing. “But do you really want to be my first?"

I smiled at him and kissed his chin
. “Of course I do.” I turned my wrist and looked at my tattoo. “I trust you to make this what it needs to be.”

“Okay. Then, I ne
ed you to do the same for me,” he said.

I was the one giving the questioning expression now. “What do you mean?” I asked. “You don’t want me tattooing you. Believe me
.” I laughed.

He smiled
. “Well, I need you to write my next quote for me, because it will be my last one. I don’t want to get one on the anniversary of her death anymore. I want to get a new one to mark a new moment in life.”

“I don’t write though, Wynn
,” I said as memories of writing at the kitchen table flashed through me.

“Oh, there’s a young woman named, Claire giving me a different opinion. She went on for quite a while about your writing. She even told me she kept all of them in your old room waiting for you
.” He smiled.

I put my hands over my eyes and he laughed as he pulled them away and leaned over me. “Don’t be embarrassed
,” he said.

“Those are from a different time. I haven’t written in forever
,” I said on a quiet breath.

“Time is irrelevant, remember. You need to take hold of it and just do it. Make the moment your bitch
.” He giggled at me. Then with all seriousness he said, “I want my next quote to be yours.”