Pathway to Tomorrow (24 page)

Well it was too late now. It was over, so they’d just have to make the best of it. Izzie could carry on visiting the studio and if he could be persuaded, Luke could join the disabled riding program as they’d planned. She would talk to Mrs. Cotton about it. Marcus didn’t have to be involved anymore.

Dry-eyed she pushed herself away from the table and began to clear the dishes. When she’d put the last one away she went outside to check that all the stables were secure and the gate was locked. After that she went to bed and stared at the window until the first streaks of dawn stretched across the sky.

* * *

As the weeks went by things became slightly easier. During the day work took up most of Jodie’s thinking time. Mrs. Cotton arranged for one of the younger care workers to bring Luke to the disabled riding program every Monday and Thursday. Izzie calmed down, and although she continued to spend most of her time at the studio, she never mentioned Marcus. By late summer life seemed the same as it had always been, except it wasn’t. Beneath the casual conversations and hugs that were part and parcel of their lives, Jodie and Izzie were both aware of the rip in their relationship. Jodie knew, too, that there was one thing she still had to do. It ate away at her every time Izzie was in the house until in the end she couldn’t bear it a moment longer.

“There’s something else I haven’t told you,” she said late one night while they were both getting ready for bed.

“If it’s about Marcus, I don’t want to know,” the bitterness in her sister’s voice made her wince.

“It’s not. It’s about the baby. You know, the one the monster was carrying in your nightmares.”

“The baby the doctor cut out of our mother you mean. The one you didn’t tell me about?”

“Yes. And I didn’t tell you because I didn’t realize you’d seen her. We’ve already been over that…what you don’t know though…the other thing I haven’t told you…is that she isn’t dead. Somewhere in the world
we have a sister but I don’t know where she is.”

With a sharp intake of breath Izzie sank down onto the side of her bed. “It didn’t say she was alive in the newspaper article.”

“I know. For some reason it didn’t ever make the papers. I think most of the people who were there that night thought she’d died, so the papers just concentrated on rehashing the highlights of Mamma’s career. Somehow, though, the doctor who delivered her managed to keep her alive until she reached the hospital. She spent weeks in an incubator before she was fostered. Then she was put up for adoption. I was told there was no other choice because Mamma was dead. The authorities did manage to track Sean down but he refused to take responsibility for her, and I was considered far too young of course.”

They stared at one another for a long moment and then they were in one another’s arms, their tears mingling as they both started to speak.

“I’m sorry I was so horrible,” Izzie got in first. “I don’t hate you. I’ll never hate you. I just wanted you and Marcus and Luke and me to be a family.”

Jodie hugged her tightly. “I know, and I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about our sister either, but there didn’t seem to be much point when I have absolutely no idea how to find her.”

“I once asked the lawyer who set up your Trust Fund how I could contact her. He said because she was already with her new family it would be better for all of us if I forgot all about her and just concentrated on making a life for you and me. I know he meant well but it didn’t make it any better. I wanted her…the same as I wanted you…and it hurt…it still hurts, the same as the way I abandoned you and Mamma hurts. If I’d stayed home with both of you instead of leaving the first chance I got, she would probably never have been on the motorway in the middle of the night, and you would never have been in that crash.”

“You can’t know that!” Izzie pulled away slightly so she could look at her. “Nothing that happened is your fault Jodie. Marcus is right…you shouldn’t keep blaming yourself for everything.”

“Is there anything else you’ve discussed with Marcus I should know about?” Jodie’s voice stiffened as she met her sister’s gaze.

Izzie’s cheeks flushed a defiant pink. “Only that he loves you.”

“Which is one thing too many. I don’t want you to talk to Marcus about me. Just concentrate on your music and leave me out of it!”

Chapter Twenty-eight

From then on things were easier. Jodie no longer had to worry about Izzie because following the final revelation about the dreadful car crash that had orphaned both of them, her sister’s nightmares stopped completely. Within a matter of weeks Izzie changed from a gangly teenager with issues, into a much calmer and altogether more sophisticated young woman. Unlike Jodie, she didn’t have to try to cope without Marcus and Luke either.

Although she appeared to have accepted they would never be a family she still saw both of them most days: working with Marcus at the studio and talking to Luke when he visited the riding school. She didn’t socialize with them though. Nowadays she always came home to Jodie and there was a new thoughtfulness in the way she treated her. It was as if their final conversation about the baby had made her appreciate exactly what her sister had been through and now she considered it payback time. Jodie, however, had lived with her for too long to believe her attitude was entirely innocent.

After putting up with her sister’s changed behavior for several weeks she finally cracked. Returning from her last lesson of the day to find a hot drink waiting for her and supper already on the table, she lowered herself into the nearest chair with scowl.

“Stop it! Just stop it! I know what you’re trying to do but it’s not going to work, so save yourself the effort. However much you try to soften me up I am not going to discuss Marcus with you, nor am I going to get back together with him, so whatever plan you’ve cooked up together, forget it. He and I are over and I’m moving on!”

For the briefest moment Izzie tried to look hurt but then her expression hardened as she began to pile vegetables onto her plate. “If that’s what moving on looks like then you’d be better to stay put. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately Jodie?”

Jodie had. She knew there were shadows beneath her eyes and she knew she had lost weight. She knew, too, that the frown line between her eyes hadn’t been there before, the same way the pinched look around her mouth hadn’t been there either. On the brief occasions she allowed herself to think about Marcus she wondered if he looked the same, or whether the Californian sunshine and the beautiful, leggy blonds that went with it, had helped him get over her. Wearily she shook her head.

“Leave it Izzie. I know what I’m doing so can we change the subject please. Tell me about your day.”

* * *

It was only later while she was settling Buckmaster for the night that she discovered she was crying. Mostly she stayed dry-eyed, the way she always had, but nowadays tears sometimes leaked out of her eyes without any warning. Angrily scrubbing them away she threw a blanket over the big chestnut horse. Then she buried her face in his flank and let the doubt that followed her around every minute of every day wash over her.

“I was too hard on him Bucky. I wanted him to change but I wasn’t prepared to give him enough time. Why did I give up so soon? Why did I let my temper get the better of me? I should have had a bit more patience. If I had then he might have learned to have faith in Luke?”

Buckmaster blew down his nose, a whoosh of sound that usually made her laugh. It didn’t now though. Instead, it made her tears flow even faster as she realized that thanks to her own choices, it was soon going to be just her and Bucky, and that however much in tune with one another they were, he wasn’t enough.

* * *

She woke the following morning with puffy eyes and a pounding headache. Anxious to escape from the house before Izzie saw her, she hurriedly pulled on the clothes she had worn the previous day and tiptoed down the stairs and out into the yard. Soon she was leading Buckmaster onto the lane leading to the bridleway.

As usual in the early morning, it was deserted, and she unlocked the gate and led Buckmaster through without any fear of being seen. Her dawn assignations with Marcus were a thing of the past, as were her visits to a house that nowadays was all but invisible thanks to the fast growing laurel hedge edging the driveway. She still kept her eyes averted though. She didn’t want to see anything that reminded her of the good times.

Always in tune with her moods, Buckmaster plodded along. His ears were flat to his head and his normal joy de vivre was missing. He didn’t give his usual whinny of delight when they topped the first sand dune and saw the sea either, nor did he kick up his heels when they reached the beach. Miserably Jodie leaned forward and patted him.

“You too Bucky?”

He dropped his head as she twitched the rein to direct him seawards and when they reached the ribbon of surf coming in on the tide, instead of high stepping into it and breaking into a gallop, he stood still.

Swallowing a sob Jodie pushed her feet into his flanks. “Come on Bucky. You’ve got to cheer up because there’s nobody else on my side. Marcus has given up on us; Luke prefers to work with Carol instead of me; and Izzie’s going to leave home soon…so please try, because I need all the support you can give.”

He shook his head with a jingle of harness and then, as if he had understood every word she’d said, he responded to the pressure of her legs and set off up the beach as if he was being pursued by hornets.

* * *

Marcus watched them from where he was sitting at the top of the tallest sand dune, the same as he had watched them almost every morning since he’d last spoken to Jodie, He wondered how it had come to this.  How had two people who had seemed so perfectly attuned to one another managed to get it so wrong? Was it because they had too much else to deal with, too much personal history to overcome, or was it just because they were both too stubborn to give in?

Much as he’d wanted to when they first split up, he knew he couldn’t blame it on Luke. Jodie was right. He had spent years paying people to keep his son out of his hair. Instead of seeing him as someone with likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses, he hadn’t even noticed he had any special skills until Jodie had shown him otherwise. It had always been easier to leave him to Mrs. Cotton and the rest of the care team and concentrate on his music.

His face burned with shame as he remembered how much he’d resented Jodie’s interest in Luke. What sort of father was he that he only wanted her for himself, not as part of a family unit? If he could accept Izzie without question why couldn’t he accept his own son? Was it because he and Izzie had something in common and anyway, he knew she’d eventually fly the nest, whereas Luke probably wouldn’t? He’d always be around with his tantrums and obsessions, and the older he got the more difficult it was going to be, and yet Jodie had been prepared to face it and try to do something about it, so why couldn’t he?

In the aftermath of their argument he’d tried to find a solution but the mix of denial and despair that had been part of his life almost from the day Luke was born had gotten in the way. Frustrated and angry, he’d finally decided to tackle it like a business problem, and embarked on a series of meetings with experts as well as visits to specialist schools, determined to find a way forward. Several times he’d convinced himself he had, only to wake up sweating in the middle of the night knowing it wasn’t the answer he wanted.  Mrs. Cotton and her team of care workers might not be the best solution, but whatever their shortcomings, surely they were better than sending his son away from home.

His reaction had startled him. Although he’d always made sure Luke was well cared for he’d never thought about how much he loved him. Well now he knew. He loved him the same way any other father loved his son, and because of that he’d spent the past eleven years grieving for the person Luke would never be…not for himself, but for Luke. And in all that time he’d never once thought about the sort of person Luke could be given the right opportunities, whereas it was all that Jodie ever thought about.

It had taken him days to come to terms with how he felt, and more days to look at Luke’s life as objectively as possible and accept how much he’d let him down. From the outside the twenty-four hour care system he’d put in place made him look like a wonderful father, whereas now he could see it for the lie it was. He’d neglected his son. Mrs. Cotton was used to Luke, and good with him, but she wasn’t any sort of an expert. He should have brought a professional in to work with her years ago. She’d started off as Luke’s nanny and then, as he grew older, morphed into a sort of housekeeper-cum-team-leader. Thanks to her, every hour of his day was covered but because she always followed Marcus’ instructions to the letter, Luke’s program hadn’t altered in years. It was still the same one he’d set up for him when it first became clear he wouldn’t cope with school. In the six years since, nothing had changed except his reading level and the complexity of his math.

Jodie was right. Luke deserved more than that. It wasn’t enough for him to go to the gym or the swimming pool at the same time every day; neither were three hours of lessons every morning sufficient for a child with a brain as active as Luke’s. He needed to find a way to give him more and the first step was to provide him with opportunities to leave the safety of his over-organized life. Maybe Jodie was right. Maybe the disabled riding program was the first step. Not that he’d seen much progress so far but it was early days and anyway, what was the point of objecting when he didn’t have any better ideas of his own.